Brenda’s Blog – December 3, 2019

(This is excerpt two from my book Divine Confinement, written during a seven year caregiving period).

“The blood has pooled creating a hematoma. Don’t put pressure on it, don’t pierce it, and it will naturally be absorbed into the body.”

Those were the instructions to Mom and me as she was being discharged from the hospital. But all she could see was a monstrous red mound on her tiny arm. “What happened?” “What caused it?” I think I must have learned cause and effect from this little woman who still searches for who to blame, desperately hoping it isn’t her.

This week Mom was hospitalized for a seizure and Dad had cancer surgery.

Those 13 words are the “what caused it” of my emotional hematoma. No one can see the bulbus gathering, but it is as real as was Mom’s on her hand. “Don’t bang it – don’t prick it – or you will cause damage.” The emotions of this week have pooled in my spirit and I need time to reach equilibrium and reabsorption. In Dr. Swenson’s great book Margin he talks about living in the red zone where we use adrenaline designed for emergencies in our everyday lives. I felt I was living there for way too long.

My emotional thermostat overheated. It is time for some coolant and time for some comfort. Hopefully, it will come through resting, not ingesting. Christ is the answer – not chocolate.

PS In April 2018 I was at Lindsey Wilson College in Columbia, KY with a team from the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute. After the evening session I stepped off a curb, went face down into the gravel, and was ungracefully raised up by two strong college professors. Nothing was broken, but my pride was badly bruised.

However, for the next 12 months I watched an enormous hematoma on one knee gradually reabsorb. Over and over I thought about the words I wrote during my caregiving time. This swelling on my knee reminded me again of the process, both physical and emotional.

Brenda’s Blog – November 19, 2019

(Note) In 2005 I published a book titled Divine Confinement: Facing Seasons of Limitation. It was written during a seven year season of mine while my parents lived out their last days in my house. A section of the book was devoted to short personal responses. I called them “Musings and Amusings.” For the next few months I will share some of them as the bi-monthly blogs. Brenda A. Smith’s book is available as a Kindle book on Amazon here.

Divine Confinement

“You must feel confined.”

Just a passing comment, but it scored a direct hit in my soul. Confinement, yes that is exactly what I feel. I am under house arrest. I sit in my office, looking out the window much like Robert Louis Stevenson lay in a childhood bed of sickness, pretending grand and glorious adventures.

Sadly, I often go into an electronic stupor ad overdose on HGTV. But this isn’t a random confinement – this is one appointed by God – this is divine confinement.

I can either continue making chalk marks on the wall denoting time served, or I can see that this is really a learning lab created to mold me into usefulness. Haven’t I been confined before – a marriage gone bad, a broken relationship with a child, a job with no hope of success, an addiction to chocolate and ice cream, a mean and jealous spirit, a wandering heart — weren’t these all confinements?

But how much better to see God’s hand in this and know that He has the key and that He came to set the prisoners free. I won’t be here on day longer than I need to be and in an ironic twist, Mom and Dad won’t be here one day longer than God knows that I need them to be. Who is taking care of whom?

Aren’t they the stuff of which this confinement is made, so aren’t they the stuff of which the divine purpose will be constructed? And then, ultimately they will be my source of freedom for I will learn to trust Him, love them more dearly, and understand freedom is not lack of confinement, but the recognition that it is divine.

Brenda’s Blog – November 5, 2019

“May I take your picture so you can be in it?”

Sitting on the deck overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains at the Billy Graham Training Center (The Cove) I noticed a woman wandering from group to group quietly asking the same question over and over. The happiness she created radiated from faces.

One couple quickly handed over their camera, linked arms, and smiled brightly. Just another picture? NO! As she handed back the camera the wife brushed back tears saying, “Thank you for giving us a picture of each other together.” I later found out her loving husband is active military and this weekend was a rare and badly needed respite. This was not just another picture stored on the phone – this captured a sacred event.

Intrigued, I could not stop observing her movement. Clearly, she had the ministry of service and helps. She saw something that needed to be done and without prompting “went about doing good.”

When our evening session began I noticed her standing by the meeting room door waiting for her companions. I just had to speak. Surprising to me (and to her), I teared up as I thanked her for her ministry to all those on the deck that evening. She was humble as she expressed her reason for doing it. “I just knew they would all rather be in the pictures together rather than leaving one out.” No major ministry strategy… just seeing an opportunity and stepping out.

The next morning she tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Your words about my actions being ministry really touched me. I never thought of it that way, but I so appreciate what you said to me.”

Where have you seen the gift of helps recently? Who sees a need and takes steps to fill it without making the announcement “Attention everybody, I am going to serve now!” Look for the appearance of this gift and then say thank you.

Brenda’s Blog – October 22, 2019

“The trending direction and focus is mediocrity.”

In math class we learned about the lowest common denominator. It was the point where all the fractions could find their happy place – where they all fit. This has now become a social concept. Education became one of the early proponents of its implementation. Finding a way to homogenize learning to make it comfortably available to the majority created a system which flowed downhill. The author Charlotte Iserbyt called it The Deliberate Dumbing Down of America.

Now, another sociologist boldly states that mediocrity is the goal. What does this look like? Perhaps giving trophies to every participant – even if they did not engage in one minute of competition; or, discouraging a grading system that rewards achievement.

We have transitioned from the brutal dog eat dog competition of earlier decades to an attitude which encourages lack of effort. The social drive to eliminate offense has created an order which celebrates the mediocre. Those who “pay the price” are penalized by ostracization. They don’t fit because they make others look deficient.

What does the Bible say about this? Aren’t we to do our work “as unto the Lord?” Would we take on a task for Him and then lay down on the job? Years ago I knew a man who was a well-meaning, but immature Christian. One day I found him sitting on a log outside of the job. “What is going on?” “Well, I am fasting to please God and I am just too tired to work.” “Are you taking their money for the job?” “Yes, but they are Christians and they will understand.” He wasn’t trending toward mediocrity – he had already staked his claim!

Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians spoke strongly to them about working hard and having a good reputation in the community. That is excellence. There was no room for second rate effort.

To have that attitude consistently means swimming uphill. My grandson Colby took his first job in a grocery store fully prepared to work extremely hard. At the end of his first day the other employees came to him, complaining about his work ethic. “You don’t have to work so hard – nobody expects it and you make us look bad.” He kept on, was promoted, and now is anticipating a career in the Marines. He wouldn’t accept a fair to middlin’ life.

Brenda’s Blog – October 8, 2019

“I’m not afraid of heights – I’m afraid of falling.”

Her comment caught me off guard. I have always put myself in the “afraid of heights” category, but she challenged my thinking. She is right – I don’t mind being high if falling isn’t an imminent danger.

Fear is a strange emotion, isn’t it? Anger masquerades as fear; anger often comes dressed as depression. We find the emotion that is most socially acceptable. Or, we just play hide and seek, ducking behind a smiley face and “I’m doing great!”

I was driving US Highway 550 in Colorado from Ouray to Durango. The sun was sinking farther and faster in the west than I intended. As I maneuvered a mountainous curve I had a panic attack. I was alone, I was afraid, and I was petrified. Thankfully there was a pull-off. I sat in the car, talking to myself. “Brenda, no one is going to drive you down the mountain. You can do this – you have driven mountain roads for years. What is going on with you?” The last voice had a critical edge to it – not what I needed. I needed the “atta-girls!”

It wasn’t the height – it was the fear of driving off the edge and plunging down the hillside. I finally had a profitable talk with myself, prayed, quoted favorite fear scriptures, and started the trek homeward.

Pulling the mask off fear and telling the truth about it allowed me to manage the moment. I am not downplaying the reality of panic attacks. For this time, the experience had a rapid conclusion. I know there are other times when the outcome isn’t quite so easily resolved.

We live in a fear-driven, fear-addicted culture. We use anger, fear, and hostility as motivators of ourselves and others. What a foolish misuse of time and energy. We were created as God’s masterpiece, His work of art, His poem. We aren’t designed to operate with fear as our default system.

I heard her words and they triggered an immediate response. What about you? What are your fears? Are you realistically defining your fear or should you be looking for the “fear behind the fear?” Identify it, speak life into the emotion, and be released from the paralysis.

Brenda’s Blog – September 24, 2019

“Drowning doesn’t always look like drowning.”

The lead line on Mario Vittone’s blog captured my attention. Drowning is second only to being buried alive on my “least desired accidental deaths” list. I found myself taking deep breaths as I read his post.

“When someone is drowning there is very little splashing, and no waving or calling out for help of any kind.” It is a quiet, unobtrusive, and frequently unnoticed demise.

The more I read the more I thought about burnout and emotional drowning. We expect it to look a certain way with flailing, cries for help, and reaching desperately for a lifeline. But in my experience it can be an almost silent going under.

First the person seems to shut down, unable to express a full range of emotions. Then, perhaps a withdrawal from normal activities. Some may focus distantly (drowning people often lie on their backs with eyes wide open, blankly staring before succumbing). Behavior may look unusual, yet explained away.

All the while, the deep waters are overtaking them.

There have been several times in my life when I experienced the dark waves. I didn’t jump up and down demanding help. I did become “pleasant and still.” I had no energy to surface. In drowning some have described the scene as assuming the person was treading water since their physiological and psychological attempts to “right the ship” take over. In the midst of sinking I looked vertical, even peaceful. But I was drowning… drowning in responsibility, hurts, burdens for others, and pain. I looked strong, capable, and in control… all the while awaiting last breaths. I was mentally and physically exhausted.

I thought about our community of faith. How can we tell if there are those around us who are drowning and we don’t even notice? What are the signs? How can we throw them a line? The blog’s author suggests a simple first step in assessing a drowning victim… ask them “are you alright?” If there is no answer time is short and immediate action is required.

“If you see something, say something” is a bit threadbare. It gets the point across, though. Let’s create a culture of care readying ourselves to see past the “I’m fine – I’m blessed” and rescue the perishing as the old hymn says. If the person has not come to faith in God through Jesus Christ, that is the ultimate answer, but in all situations, pray for wisdom to help. Perhaps it is only a word of understanding, or in more serious cases, a referral to professional help. Ever alert should be out byword.

We may not understand the nature of the water, but we do know the nature of the God who saves. Eyes open, hearts attune, and minds prepared may prevent loss.

Brenda’s Blog – September 10, 2019

“What does your T shirt say?”

One of my favorite t shirts has App-Uh-Latch-Uh emblazoned across the front. Frequently I see people mouthing the words trying to understand it. I smile to myself.

So, you are probably trying to make sense of it, right?

In the last ten years our non-profit has been privileged to spend time at Alice Lloyd College in the mountains of Eastern Kentucky. On my first meeting with President Joe Stepp I enthusiastically extolled the wonders of AppalAchia –(long A). He looked across the desk and quietly, but firmly, said — In Eastern Kentucky it is Appalachia (short A). Then he gave me this unforgettable visual. “Brenda, I have an apple in my hand. If I toss it to you it will be an apple – atcha.” THAT is way we pronounce it here.

So, finding the t shirt in the Eastern Kentucky craft store made my day!

Recently in a hotel breakfast room I noticed the variety of t shirts worn by the not-quite-awake diners. Each advertised a philosophical viewpoint (some not quite appropriate for family viewing), loyalty to schools, political affinities, and bold graphics advertising a rock concert decades ago. I always notice them and wonder about the back story. Why that T? Why that attachment?
What is the message?

Then, of course, it occurred to me all of us wear a statement of worldview, lifestyle, or leisure choices. We speak to others about our values, our affections, and even our disgruntlements. We may not wear them printed on cotton shirts, but we demonstrate to others our underlying message. Our countenance, our speech, our civility… all shout out.

If we printed our heart condition across our chests, what would it say? If we notified the world of our motivations in 20 point type, what would we say? Hopefully, those who pass by will stop, ponder our message, and then go on blessed and strengthened.

Brenda’s Blog – August 27, 2019

“At the end of the day all I can give my children is memories.”

I agree.

My parents consistently focused us on “making memories.” This meant putting deposits in the memory bank. One of my young friends wrote on Facebook, “Buying things can never compare to having experiences with friends.” He knows how to build up a robust remembrance account.

Taking time and spending money on positive memories creates a healthy foundation. Think of the times you sat with family and someone started reminiscing? Laughter undoubtedly followed.

Memories are the finest example of time travel we have. Just reviewing puts us back into another place. We hear sounds, smell aromas, and even feel emotions. We don’t have to drop into a black hole, or pass through a portal — we just have to remember.
The Old Testament gives generational reminders of God’s goodness. Consistently the history is repeated and often the words “The Lord’s lovingkindness endures forever” is voiced verse by verse.

The New Testament gives us the Lord’s Table (Communion) as a symbol of the New Covenant. Jesus says, “Do this in remembrance of me.” We know how easy it is to forget. The memory of His life, death, burial, and resurrection is replayed each time we observe this sacrament.

“But I don’t have the money to build memories.” I sadly overheard this comment. Bike rides, popcorn and movie nights at home, Bible studies with grandparents, scavenger walks in the neighborhood — available without costly outlays. Time is the currency of memory-making.

Relationships come with stewardship responsibilities. We are given to each other for building up, growth, and maturity.

Creating a legacy of shared experiences is a significant way of working this out. Shared stories bond one generation to another, linking us with fondness and delight.

The interest paid is measurably higher than the prime rate, and lifelong dividends are paid. Go put a deposit in your memory bank today!

Brenda’s Blog – August 13, 2019

“This trucking company was built on the vision of a blind man.”

Ormsby Trucking Company travels with this painted on the back of their vehicles. It grabs you, doesn’t it? As I rode along behind the 18 wheeler it made me think about other irregular visions.

The Menninger brothers established a medical clinic on the Kansas plains, far from the major schools, populations, and technology. The Mayo brothers created a world-renown diagnostic facility in Rochester, Minnesota. Who would ever create a strategic plan for medical institutions placing them in these remote areas? Yet, the vision of “blooming where they are planted” belies the advice of most consultants.

The names of successful companies on the “it can’t be done here” list always get my attention. A common element is a man or woman who had an idea and built on it, like Mr. Ormsby. Undoubtedly they all faced great challenges and probably questioned themselves at times. But the vision motivated, disciplined, and drove the activity needed for realization.

So much is written about passion as the engine for accomplishment. Great bursts of energy without conduits to direct them lead to “blowing off steam.” Vision is the structure.

As Christians our operating vision is the transforming work of God which continually changes us into the image of Jesus. This is the vision in the mind of God – we are His workmanship, the outworking of His vision. Even though we cannot even imagine what the outcome will be, we can be scripturally attune to many of the elements in this process. We know His changing us from self-directed to Spirit-led is indeed in His “vision statement.”

Our lives can be visionary adventures. We can exult in the unexpected experiences He presents. Trucks roll on the vision of a blind man; we move on the impeccable vision of Him whose sees all.

Brenda’s Blog – July 30, 2019

“No wonder you can’t download that app. You have used up all your memory. Let’s see – hmmmm you have texts going back to 2015. Don’t you ever delete them? And pictures – you have thousands. You need to go home and start cleaning all this up.”

The young woman was kind, but she also looked at me like a troglodyte who just rolled out of the cave. I honestly didn’t know to delete text messages. And yes, I knew there were hundreds of unwanted pictures which “someday” I was going to erase.

“You don’t want to buy a new phone and transfer all that. Come back when you have cleaned it up.”

Shamed, but thankful, I walked out of the store. Have you ever tried to delete 4 years of text messages? It is not only tiring, but totally unrewarding. I know I could clean it with one fell swoop by a single “delete all,” but it is like cleaning out a drawer, or a closet – throw it all away and absolutely you will eliminate the very thing you need someday, right?

This became a “that’ll preach” for me. I started thinking about my gratitude for my Savior. When I was definitely piled up with years of undeleted mess, He gave His life in obedience to the Father who planned before time to save me from my sin. At Calvary He did delete all. Jesus paid it all.

And our great triune God promised me a new life without demanding I clean up the current one. The Bible doesn’t tell me to get rid of the junk and then come to Him – no, the Bible says there is no way I could ever get it together in order to be acceptable enough. He came to me because there was nothing I could do on my own.

My plan is to get the new phone on Friday. Between now and then I am going to drive myself crazy pushing delete, but then every once in a while I will stop and say thanks to God for reminding I am His – junk and all!