Weekly Thought – March 14, 2023

Fred was a student of humor. In fact, he was a philosophical analyst of its use – and abuse. He wanted to write an entire book on it, but didn’t. However, he put thoughts down as part of an interview which is excerpted this week.

Humor for All Seasons

Humor is a good way to stay connected with me. One of my long time friends’ networks sends clippings, cartoons, and funny stories. We find a quick smile is a fine way to communicate. There are days when a good cartoon is the right fit.

I feel strongly it is good to use humor to take responsibility for relieving embarrassing, tense, or combative situations. When you can do good it is important to use humor correctly. In these situations you could be improving relationships, giving time for parties to think, and probably giving a psychological break. These are healthy uses.

Someone who insists on telling a story whether it fits or not, or serves a purpose or not is abusive. This is taking up the time of others without bringing something positive to the situation. A person who tries to be funny is usually a humor abuser. I have been in social events when one attendee dominated with puny attempts at being humorous. He was not adding to the atmosphere – he was doing nothing but wanting attention and control. A friend of mine told me he was the kind of man who would say, “Here I am doing all the talking and telling you all about myself when what I want is for you to be talking… about me!”
I can tell much about a person’s character, and especially humility. Self-deprecating humor can be helpful, but it has to have a point. Father Hesburgh, President of Notre Dame tells of the time during the 1960s and the Hippies. When demonstrators tried to take over the campus he met with the leaders. He offered his hand but the man refused. After the conversation the Dean who met with them said, “Father, I would have kicked them in the pants. Why didn’t you?” The President said, “My job isn’t to kick students but to educate them.” He took a backseat to pull the stinger.

Humor is an excellent asset. Like any other, it must be valued and developed.

This week think carefully about: 1) How do I use humor in business, family, social activities? 2) When do I laugh most heartily? 3) Who do I know who uses humor well?

Words of Wisdom: “Humor is an excellent asset. Like any other, it must be valued and developed.”

Wisdom from the Word: “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with gladness.” (Job 8:21 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – March 7, 2023

Fred observed the social environment long before it became the thing to do. He understood the “cultural moment” before anybody put those words together to describe where we live. He lived watching the correlation between Biblical principles and modern American culture. The influence of winning and losing is this week’s topic (probably written in the 1950s or 1960s).

Winning and Losing

Winning is a national addiction. Preachers, athletes, businessmen must have visibility and success. Criminals who commit bold crimes and get national coverage garner publicity and get strangely recognized. All of us must be winners – it is a national duty.
We love winners and likewise we dislike losers. We regard losing as a contagious disease so we distance ourselves.

Yet, there is a time to lose. You can be objective as you think about it. I sat down and jotted down for myself four reasons to lose:

1) When winning costs my self-respect, it is better to lose. I think of self-respect as the little guy who lives deep down inside of me. When I wake up at 3:00 am I check with him. If it is thumbs up, I can go back to sleep. But if he won’t talk to me and doesn’t believe the excuses I give, I know I am in trouble. It is critical that I stay in the clear with the little guy.

2) If winning costs me my health that is too much. I have seen too many men who stayed on jobs that have killed them, but their pride kept them in the job. No job, no success is worth that price. I made the decision in advance I would not pay it.

3) No amount of success is worth my family… they are more valuable than any other success. I frequently hear older men tell me they sacrificed their families for their business achievement. They wanted success more than happy families. The loss of family was one of the payments they paid to purchase personal success.

4) Success is too costly when it severs my relation with God. This life is not the game – this life is the practice for the game that is to come. God owns the stadium and I would like to play on His team… forever. If I have to choose between my God and my success that choice has already been made: “Here I stand, so help me, God.”

This week think carefully about: 1) How serious am I about self-respect, health, family, and faith? 2) Which of these points hits home for me? 3) Who can I encourage to consider the cost of success?

Words of Wisdom: “We love winners and likewise we dislike losers. We regard losing as a contagious disease so we distance ourselves.”

Wisdom from the Word: “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will save it.”(Luke 9:24 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – February 28, 2023

Fred clearly differentiated between rights and responsibilities. He saw asserted rights taking people apart while his visual for responsibilities was lamination which pulled pieces together into one, making it stronger. He viewed operating from “it’s my right” position a sign of immaturity. Maturity and strong character lived with a sense of responsibility.

Rights versus Responsibilities

As a leader I have the responsibility for certain tasks and I must take an active role for execution. In fact, sometimes I will take the same action for results from a responsibility position as could be taken as a matter of rights. What is the difference? Motive and maturity. Responsibility has a selfless tone to it while rights carry a selfishness. This shows up in the attitude.

For example, the players in the huddle may be a scene of discussion – even disagreement- but when it comes to the call the quarterback makes the decision. Why? Because it is his responsibility, not because it is his right to do so.

We hear a lot about human rights. This was not the great gift of America it was a matter of human responsibilities. Often we speak about the success of the “American experiment” because it provided freedom. I don’t think so. I am convinced it was the first time in human history that freedom and a sense of responsibility came together simultaneously. Freedom was the environment and responsibility was the operational attitude. That is what gave us our enormous productivity.

The belief that God gave everyone a talent and one day we would account for its use was foundational.

These two concepts will always be in tension, but responsibility should be the primary motivator while rights take the secondary place. When I look at my responses to situations I find that generally I am more concerned about my rights when I feel that someone is taking advantage of it – when someone’s playing me for a sucker. That is unpleasant (to say the least) for me. In those situations I have a responsibility to behave maturely, but exercise my responsibility to not be played. Mahatma Gandhi was not exercising his rights as much as he was emphasizing his responsibility to create a society built on righteousness.

Motive, again, is the key. Generally, rights are about getting; responsibilities about giving.

This week think about: 1) When do I operate from rights rather than responsibilities? 2) How can I measure my attitude in tense situations? 3) What standards am I using to assess my maturity?

Words of Wisdom: “I am convinced it was the first time in human history that freedom and a sense of responsibility came together simultaneously. Freedom was the environment and responsibility was the operational attitude.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Aaron and his sons will go in and appoint each man to his service and his responsibility. (Numbers 4:19 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – February 14, 2023

Fred answered questions with questions. Long before consultants helped corporations train their employees to find “the question behind the question” Fred mentored through his querying style. One of the questions most frequently asked of him was “How can I know what to do with my life?” This week’s excerpt from an interview gives insight into the answering through questioning process.

Way to the Will

A young man came to talk about one of his fears: not living up to his potential. He wanted to talk about finding his path in order to maximize his talents, skills, and gifts. Here is a recap of our conversation.

“When you say fulfilling your potential, there’s no way all of us can do everything that we are capable of doing. The human being has the capacity to do far more than we will ever have the time or energy to complete. This shortfall is why it is critical to have a vision for our lives. That is why we have a focus.

We need to look at all our opportunities and decide where my greatest contribution is to be made.

You, like other young people, often say “What can of job should I get?” I never say “find the one that pays the most money.” Let me ask you a few questions:

1)What do you do with the greatest ease?
2) What do you feel good when you do it?
3) How can you make the greatest contribution to others?
4) What subject do you learn with the least difficulty?
5) When you aren’t thinking about anything specifically where does your mind wander?
6) Where does your mind live?
7) What gives you pleasure?”

After introducing these questions (especially the final two) I always wait a moment because young men will invariably make a funny (even silly) remark. I laugh, so they laugh. If I don’t share the humor they will close up and the conversation won’t continue.

When we get through that successfully they usually continue with “This is what I feel has meaning. This is what I do best. This is what my friends tell me I do well.” Getting to this point is the beginning of a healthy, substantive time.
I do not assume the role of guru; my goal is to stretch them. They will find the way to God’s will by asking questions. Asking them question they want to answer opens the door.

This week think about: 1) What questions am I asking myself? 2) How can I be helpful to others who are thinking about purpose? 3) Who models question-asking for me?

Words of Wisdom: “I do not assume the role of guru; my goal is to stretch them.”

Wisdom from the Word: “While the Pharisees were assembled, Jesus asked them a question:” (Matthew 22:41 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – February 7, 2023

Fred curated ideas, words, and wisdom for the benefit of others, as well as his own personal growth. When talking with him he pulled from his vast memory, pulling out the right story, illustration, or quote to perfectly suit the conversation. Many people came to see him equipped with pad and paper knowing there would be helpful “Fred Saids.”

Understanding Perspective

Just before Mary Alice and I left for a Colorado summer a young man called wanting to come by the office. He had lost everything (about 20 million in 1990 dollars). I walked over to my wall, pulled down a plaque and handed it to him. “The man who kneels before God can stand up to anything.” The backstory is as helpful as those eleven words.

A good friend was an old school oil man. His wife lovingly called him D.H. for Dry Hole as he carried a reputation for a record string of unproductive drills. One night with them he was bemoaning another one when his wife came to the dinner table with the plaque bearing those words. She prefaced it with, “Just move over and drill again.” Her down to earth encouragement on this plaque hung on my office wall to remind me, as well. That day, the young man needed the words so I passed them on.

I met a bright young high achiever when he was in college. He was named Outstanding Young Man by the Texas Junior Chamber of Commerce, rose in his career like riding on a rocket, and saw year after year of success. Now he sat in my office having filed Chapter 11 bankruptcy. We talked and as I heard him talk about the situation I listened. At the appropriate time I gave him one of my favorite quotes for troubled times – one I had used myself in those episodes of failure. “Only your plans have failed; you have not.”

“Fred, I needed that. Would you repeat it for me?” I did so as he wrote it down. “Thanks, this was the right time for you to say that to me.”

In Colorado we stayed with friends high in the mountains. Each morning as I stood outside I thought about these and other young men I knew who were climbing mountains. Then I began considering the pitons which the climbers use, driving into crevices to loop their ropes and create a hand hold. The words I shared with them might be classified as cliches, but I prefer to see them as pitons for the climb.

When I was 19 or 20 a traveling evangelist gave me his paraphrase of Proverbs 18:16: “Take the gift that God has given you, and use it. You will stand before great men.” Many times it became a piton for my climb. One of my daughters lettered this for me and it now hangs on my office wall to give me a hand hold for my rope.

This week carefully consider: 1) What words have I been given to strengthen in troubled times? 2) What words have I shared with others to encourage them? 3) How can scripture assist me in my climb?

Words of Wisdom: “Only your plans have failed; you have not.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” (John 16:33 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 31, 2023

Fred paced himself. He understood his rhythms: body, soul, and spirit and operated within their constraints. This allowed him a sense of adequacy in all areas of his life. This kept him from handing personal power to others. Think about these excerpts from a “someday a book” manuscript.

Adequacy is the Goal

A critical element in adequacy is taking control of your life. A woman came up to me recently after a talk to tell me she was bored. She clarified it wasn’t my talk, but just her life experiences.

I asked her, “how much control do you exercise over your life?” “Well, she said, I don’t need to do that. My life is very convenient – I am well taken care of financially, therefore I don’t need control.” My thought as she spoke “We all need control if we want to feel adequate. When we do not take control, we feel passive. With control we feel active, and alive.”

A friend who recently sold his company called to tell me, “Fred, I’ve sold my business and I am definitely going through those pains of questioning what I am going to do. I am only 50, made a lot of money on the sale, but am puzzled about the next step.”

“Well, while you are deciding be sure to put some kind of personal program into effect that produces activity and accomplishment. You are going to miss the sense of productivity. You are going to need the feeling of adequacy you had in business. Do it in your personal life.”

He was considerably overweight. We talked about two or three options for slimming down. Yes, “Fat Fred” was giving him counsel! I didn’t see him for several months and when I did I didn’t recognize me. He lost 60 pounds, was playing tennis and golf – and regained his self-respect. He knows he can’t do this alone for the rest of his life, but it was a strategy that got him moving. Self-respect fostered his sense of adequacy. Knowing how to establish and control his sense of achievement proved helpful for him.

If emotionally wired for it, the fast lane is exhilarating and creates energy, but putting a life into overdrive can result in chaos – and often crashes. Teaching our children to drive was a parental responsibility I accepted, reluctantly driving up and down the hills of Indian Hill with their inadequacies on display. “You are overdriving the road,” I would helpfully comment. Getting the keys to my Austin-Healey 3000 or Jaguar sedan was the goal of proven road adequacy, but it also tempted them to let the car’s potential and performance get ahead of their competency. When they learned to drive with control they learned true adequacy.

This week think about: 1) How do I define accomplishment in my life? 2) What is the area of my strongest achievement? 3) What plan do I have for staying productive in times of life change?

Words of Wisdom: “Knowing how to establish and control his sense of achievement proved helpful for him.”

Wisdom from the Word: “On every mission on which Saul sent him, David achieved success. So Saul appointed him over the men of war. This pleased not only all the army, but also Saul’s servants.” (1 Samuel 18:5 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 24, 2023

Fred experienced major losses in 1983, including financial setbacks and the death of his Mother. True to form, he crafted a personal plan for going forward. These excerpts will give a flavor of his approach.

Looking at Loss

Difficult circumstances require an organized plan. In my personal experience here are four ways I create a strategy:

1) Stay busy. I see a lot of people who don’t understand how important it is to stay busy when they have problems. They want to take off on vacation, going “to the islands,” or choosing any activity which distracts them. Howard Rome, past head of the World Psychiatric Society said to me, “Fred, stay busy.” He knew me well. He understood that by training and habit I would stay constructively busy. An executive I once knew adopted the philosophy for dealing with problems: “When in trouble, when in doubt… run in circles, scream and shout.” I am not talking about that kind of busyness. I am talking about honest, constructive work in rebuilding the wall.

2) Live with the facts. I hope I am mature enough to receive both good and bad fact any time of any day. A friend asked me if his son would be a good executive. “No.” “Why, Fred?” “Because he told me he doesn’t want to hear any bad news from any of his employees because it depresses him.” I cannot get a sound solution to my problem until I have a clear statement of the facts.

3) Never lose the good of a bad experience. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says the greatest things that happened to her have come from the windstorms of her life. She talks about putting people in the tumbler of life for we come polished when taken out. An example of wasting a bad experience is the national response to the depression. I went into it in such a way I came out without losing a nickel – because I went in without a nickel. I have lost a great deal of money since because I have had the “depression psychosis” imprinted on it. I took the wrong lesson from the experience.

4) Be redemptive. It is my Christian responsibility that in whatever the circumstance I am to bring redemption. This is Christ’s story. I am not to be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of my mind. This means to me that I am not to be formed by the world and its responses to loss and hard circumstances, but by the work of the Holy Spirit. For example, revenge is not redemptive.

This week carefully consider: 1) How would I define my current circumstances? 2) Which of these points stands out as important for me? 3) What makes me know God is real in difficult circumstances?

Words of Wisdom: “I cannot get a sound solution to my problem until I have a clear statement of the facts.”

Wisdom from the Word: “More than that, I now regard all things as liabilities compared to the far greater value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things – indeed, I regard them as dung! – that I may gain Christ,” (Philippians 3:8 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 17, 2023

Fred established the wording for his tombstone as a young man in his twenties: “He stretched others.” His headstone in his Restland/Dallas space has those three words. When speaking of that desire he was often asked about its origin. This week features an answer he gave to a magazine interviewer.

Setting Direction

Question: “How did you decided your life mission was to stretch others?”

“I haven’t the vaguest idea how it came to be. I just realized I had an internal interest. Even all these years later I never tire of it. I have a gift for it and I have never found anything that interested me more than this pursuit. When I analyzed my activities I always get to the core and the common denominator: the desire to stretch others.”

Friends of mine who are artists or athletes have individual aims for personal development. There is certainly nothing wrong with that – it just wasn’t what attracted me. My friend who is a professional golfer strives to keep improving his game to be the best he can possibly be. Excellence is his development goal. My desire is excellence, as well, but it just happens to be in stretching others.
In thinking about personal development I see a clear difference between direction and goals. Direction is your ultimate destination – where you want your life to arrive. Goals are the specific steps you take along the way. It is crucial for goals to be in harmony with the direction.

A direction should be long term and in sync with the person you want to be. I often ask our children: “Are you satisfied with the direction you are going? Are you pleased with who you are becoming?” These questions relate to destination, not 3 or 5 year goals unless they are in line with where they want to be.

As a young man I had a clear sense of who I wanted to be even though I had no opportunities for college education, nor financial resources. I knew the gifts God gave me and developed a plan to set a direction which would allow me to operate within them. Scripture tells us Abraham set out “not knowing where he was going.” He didn’t have a map, but he had a Guide and set out. I, too, set out with a direction. I learned excellence in stretching others as I benefitted from those who believed in me.

The Puritans used the word “calling” as an expression of direction and vision. They believed it was each person’s contribution to the common good. Stretching others is my calling – my contribution.

Think carefully this week about: 1) What is my calling? 2) How clear am I on the direction I am taking? 3) When do I experience a strong sense of direction?

Words of Wisdom: “It is crucial for goals to be in harmony with direction.”

Wisdom from the Word: “By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place he would later receive as an inheritance, and he went out without understanding where he was going.” (Hebrews 11:8 NET Bible)