Emotional Hematoma

Brenda’s Blog – December 3, 2019

(This is excerpt two from my book Divine Confinement, written during a seven year caregiving period).

“The blood has pooled creating a hematoma. Don’t put pressure on it, don’t pierce it, and it will naturally be absorbed into the body.”

Those were the instructions to Mom and me as she was being discharged from the hospital. But all she could see was a monstrous red mound on her tiny arm. “What happened?” “What caused it?” I think I must have learned cause and effect from this little woman who still searches for who to blame, desperately hoping it isn’t her.

This week Mom was hospitalized for a seizure and Dad had cancer surgery.

Those 13 words are the “what caused it” of my emotional hematoma. No one can see the bulbus gathering, but it is as real as was Mom’s on her hand. “Don’t bang it – don’t prick it – or you will cause damage.” The emotions of this week have pooled in my spirit and I need time to reach equilibrium and reabsorption. In Dr. Swenson’s great book Margin he talks about living in the red zone where we use adrenaline designed for emergencies in our everyday lives. I felt I was living there for way too long.

My emotional thermostat overheated. It is time for some coolant and time for some comfort. Hopefully, it will come through resting, not ingesting. Christ is the answer – not chocolate.

PS In April 2018 I was at Lindsey Wilson College in Columbia, KY with a team from the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute. After the evening session I stepped off a curb, went face down into the gravel, and was ungracefully raised up by two strong college professors. Nothing was broken, but my pride was badly bruised.

However, for the next 12 months I watched an enormous hematoma on one knee gradually reabsorb. Over and over I thought about the words I wrote during my caregiving time. This swelling on my knee reminded me again of the process, both physical and emotional.

Emotional Perspectives

Weekly Thought – December 3, 2019

Fred thought continually about maturity. He considered various aspects of character development, bringing clarity. Growth was not casual or optional for him, but part of his responsibility to his God-given gifts and others.

Emotional Perspectives

When down times come here are three approaches that most take 1) fret, 2) become apathetic, or 3) become active.

If we choose activity we have to be careful to recognize both negative and positive results may follow. Oftentimes when we go into overdrive to avoid things we fear we risk heading into circumstances which are worse than those we are avoiding. When we take on negative behaviors like drugs or alcohol to keep our eyes averted from a disappointment, we can create even bigger problems.

A better alternative is recognizing the truth of the situation, then using our energies to take positive action rather than fretting, hiding, or making the situation worse. Downtimes can spur creativity. It is also a time for habits which get us through almost by rote. And a note here – these habits are established well before they are needed.

It is also critical to establish a method for working through the valleys. Taking charge of emotions is healthier than just giving in and spiraling downward. Children are reactionary, but healthy adults learn to have a repertoire of responses.

These dark times often follow mistakes we make. I am convinced the knowledge that we can come back, that we have resilience allows us to forgive ourselves and start again. When we do not feel we can come back we are tempted to transfer the responsibility for the failure to others.

The energy needed to build back can easily be sapped by wallowing in the emotional pit. Directing energies into climbing out and moving forward is the sign of emotional maturity.

Emotional valleys have value. Too many fail to see and use the deep places. In fact, many refuse to admit they are not on the mountain tops. They work hard to fill in the valleys with artificial means. Some choose overdosing on motivational messages, masks, denial, and down-right lying to themselves and others. How authentic can a person be exclaiming “Things couldn’t be better!” when clearly everything is falling down around them?

It is better to relax and take the valley rather than delaying and falling headlong into the pit.

And I learned a long time ago the food we eat on the mountain top was grown in the valley!

Words of Wisdom: “It is also critical to establish a method for working through the valleys.”

Wisdom from the Word: “As the mountains rose up, and the valleys went down— to the place you appointed for them.” (Psalm 104:8 NET Bible)

Time Control

Weekly Thought – November 26, 2019

Fred was once referred to as an “efficiency expert.” In the 1950s as modern management theory developed this phrase became popular. But Fred did not adopt this description. His masterful understanding of people, organizational dynamics, and human practices made him helpful to American corporations.

Your continuing support of our work encourages us month by month. We are consistently reminded how timeless Fred’s thinking and writing were. Your partnerships with us allow us to continue the work. Thank you.

Time Control

(Fred kept a notebook with topical illustrations from his experience. These three are excellent examples)

While consulting with Mobil Oil Corporation, VP of Marketing (Baxter Ball) and I developed a phrase which we used to minimize unnecessary work, and centralize the organization’s thinking about what Bax and I were trying to do. We coined the phrase, “Object of the Exercise.” For us this meant putting into one sentence what we were doing. We found out how seldom most people do this. Now my usual practice is to start each day by defining the work and identifying “the object of the exercise.” For me, this is the essence of time control.

One of my early bosses had a sign on his wall: “Results is the only excuse for activity.” On one occasion I was using a great many words to amplify the activity in order to cover up the meager results. Mid-sentence he interrupted me, “Fred, please, show me the baby and don’t tell me about the labor pains.” So often we get caught up in the entire labor process without ever seeing the baby. He wasn’t unkind. He taught me a valuable lesson in time control that I never forgot. And, my family will tell you they, too, have been “urged” to show me the baby!

I was having lunch with the President of a large American corporation. During the meal he told me he decided to leave his briefcase at work, never taking it home. This surprised me, for certainly I couldn’t understand any executive choosing to be so disrespectful of the responsibility to look conscientious. How could he leave his office without his briefcase? What would others think? I asked him how he could possibly depart from the time-proven image of an executive with his briefcase in hand each evening. “Simple, Fred. I found that all day long I was sorting papers, deciding which ones would go home with me at night. I stopped sorting papers and started doing my work.” I found this to be a helpful illustration of time control.

These three illustrations keep me focused on accomplishment and productivity – and away from the good Texas expression: “fixin’ to.” Managing time well is critical to living and leading well.

This week think about: 1) How well am I handling my time? 2) Which of these illustrations resonates with me? 3) What other illustrations come to mind which help me control my time?

Words of Wisdom: “What is the object of the exercise?”

Wisdom from the Word? “For everything there is an appointed time, and an appropriate time for every activity on earth.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1 NET Bible)

Divine Confinement

Brenda’s Blog – November 19, 2019

(Note) In 2005 I published a book titled Divine Confinement: Facing Seasons of Limitation. It was written during a seven year season of mine while my parents lived out their last days in my house. A section of the book was devoted to short personal responses. I called them “Musings and Amusings.” For the next few months I will share some of them as the bi-monthly blogs. Brenda A. Smith’s book is available as a Kindle book on Amazon here.

Divine Confinement

“You must feel confined.”

Just a passing comment, but it scored a direct hit in my soul. Confinement, yes that is exactly what I feel. I am under house arrest. I sit in my office, looking out the window much like Robert Louis Stevenson lay in a childhood bed of sickness, pretending grand and glorious adventures.

Sadly, I often go into an electronic stupor ad overdose on HGTV. But this isn’t a random confinement – this is one appointed by God – this is divine confinement.

I can either continue making chalk marks on the wall denoting time served, or I can see that this is really a learning lab created to mold me into usefulness. Haven’t I been confined before – a marriage gone bad, a broken relationship with a child, a job with no hope of success, an addiction to chocolate and ice cream, a mean and jealous spirit, a wandering heart — weren’t these all confinements?

But how much better to see God’s hand in this and know that He has the key and that He came to set the prisoners free. I won’t be here on day longer than I need to be and in an ironic twist, Mom and Dad won’t be here one day longer than God knows that I need them to be. Who is taking care of whom?

Aren’t they the stuff of which this confinement is made, so aren’t they the stuff of which the divine purpose will be constructed? And then, ultimately they will be my source of freedom for I will learn to trust Him, love them more dearly, and understand freedom is not lack of confinement, but the recognition that it is divine.

Four Things

Weekly Thought – November 19, 2019

Fred thought systematically. He once said about a friend, “He has an impeccable mind… everything is in place.” Fred, too, had a mind which organized for maximum usage. Mary Alice loved order, too, but in the house. She finally gave up on having his environment (covered with books, articles, scraps of notepaper, etc.) match the pristine nature of his thinking process.

2019’s Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute schedule completed with a successful time at Palm Beach Atlantic University. Thanks to Mark Modesti and the BWFLI team for their work. And deep gratitude to President Fleming and his outstanding staff for their devotion to the growth of their students.

Four Things

(Fred categorized as an effective way to organize content. This week’s thought is built on sets of four things.)

Four great questions:
1. Adam, where are you?
2. Am I my brother’s keeper?
3. Who do you say that I am?
4. Do you love me?
People are searching for these four things:
1. a. Identity and individuality
2. Community – a sense of being home
3. Meaning and significance
4. Hope
Those who have a high need for achievement display four characteristics:
1. They set realistic, not impossible, goals for themselves
2. They prefer work situations in which they can take personal responsibility for the effort and the goal achievement
3. They desire feedback about their own performance
4. They show initiative in researching their environment, traveling, trying new things, and searching for new opportunities
Four elements of entrepreneurial pursuits
1. The emotional strain of playing with your own chips.
2. Wearing more hats and being required to handle more detail than customary
3. Realization that working with people takes twice as long and at least 50% more money.
4. Consider early change in lifestyle and social status understanding money alone is not the full satisfaction in life.
Four steps to helping people reach their potential
1. Locate the path of potential. People cannot do anything they want to or anything they can think of, despite current clichés.
2. Have faith to believe in the potential. Faith is an act, not a feeling or simply a word. Faith is acting as if it were so.
3. Initiate discipline to accomplish the potential. This is the operating system.
4. Have gratitude to enjoy the potential. Gratitude recognized that we have nothing but what we have received.

This week think about: 1) Which set of four things particularly stirs my thinking? 2) How can I organize my thoughts to be more helpful to myself and to others? 3) Who should I be investing in this week?

Words of Wisdom: “Have faith to believe in the potential (of others) knowing faith is an act, not a feeling or simply a word.”

Wisdom from the Word: “There are four things on earth that are small, but they are exceedingly wise.” (Proverbs 30:24 NET Bible)

Excellence in Relations

Weekly Thought – November 12, 2019

Fred benefited from dear, close friends. At the end of his life during a hospital stay he spent a morning saying goodbye to many. The precious nature of these conversations demonstrated the depth of lifelong friendships.

As the year closes, your financial support is greatly appreciated.

Excellence in Relations

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. Healthy relationships return them, as well. Without mutuality no relationship remains healthy. Exchange is a good word for this. When one does all the giving, and the other is the total receiver, the relationship isn’t good, and probably will not last long term.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone say only mutual relations last I thought it was cynical. But as I have watched over the years I know all parties must get something valuable or the association eventually withers and dies. To ensure longevity each one must work to provide and receive value. I believe it is critical for each one want the other to receive a little more. That creates a healthy dynamic.

A strong relationship has a benefits balance and the true spirit of mutuality.

It is important to avoid looking for a formula. A relationship is much more. A current phrase puts it this way: “Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship.” For example, when the Philippian jailer asked, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul didn’t give him a formula or a set of rules… he outlined a relationship: “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.”

Relations must be planned, and maintained. Like flowers in a beautiful garden they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically. Each flower must be well related to another.

Environments matter. Some relations, like flowers, only flourish in particular soils, or for certain seasons. Some are single purpose like flowers which may be colorful but have little or no aroma.

We must know the seasons of our relationships. Enjoying them fully during their peak and not expecting to bloom out of time creates harmony and health. Great memories keep them alive. Appreciation and gratitude are necessary for excellent relations.

This week think about: 1) How am I doing as a nurturer? 2) What can I do to increase the quality of my relations? 3) Who can I encourage this week?

Words of Wisdom: “Relationships are mutual.”

Wisdom from the Word: “‘Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced, my devotion will not be removed from you, nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,’ says the Lord, the one who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10 NET Bible)

Picture Perfect Service

Brenda’s Blog – November 5, 2019

“May I take your picture so you can be in it?”

Sitting on the deck overlooking the Blue Ridge Mountains at the Billy Graham Training Center (The Cove) I noticed a woman wandering from group to group quietly asking the same question over and over. The happiness she created radiated from faces.

One couple quickly handed over their camera, linked arms, and smiled brightly. Just another picture? NO! As she handed back the camera the wife brushed back tears saying, “Thank you for giving us a picture of each other together.” I later found out her loving husband is active military and this weekend was a rare and badly needed respite. This was not just another picture stored on the phone – this captured a sacred event.

Intrigued, I could not stop observing her movement. Clearly, she had the ministry of service and helps. She saw something that needed to be done and without prompting “went about doing good.”

When our evening session began I noticed her standing by the meeting room door waiting for her companions. I just had to speak. Surprising to me (and to her), I teared up as I thanked her for her ministry to all those on the deck that evening. She was humble as she expressed her reason for doing it. “I just knew they would all rather be in the pictures together rather than leaving one out.” No major ministry strategy… just seeing an opportunity and stepping out.

The next morning she tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Your words about my actions being ministry really touched me. I never thought of it that way, but I so appreciate what you said to me.”

Where have you seen the gift of helps recently? Who sees a need and takes steps to fill it without making the announcement “Attention everybody, I am going to serve now!” Look for the appearance of this gift and then say thank you.

Out and About With Fred

Weekly Thought – November 5, 2019

Fred lived with eyes wide open. Every experience fell into a mental file, easily accessible for future application. In a binder he accumulated what he titled “Stories.” This week’s blog gives two excellent examples of Fred’s ability to collect – and then use for the benefit of others.

Thank you for supporting the legacy work of Fred Smith, Sr. Your messages and Facebook shares are encouraging and invigorating.

Out and About With Fred

Well Done Service

I was speaking at a civic meeting in Kingston, New York. My host was scheduled to pick me up, even in the cold, inclimate February weather. A young man appeared who immediately told me he was driving me because he was concerned my host, who was older, would be nervous about the bad roads. As we rode, I found out this young man drove a delivery truck and worked in a warehouse for a local firm.

He was one of the most committed people I had met – committed to service. As we drove, he pulled into a rest stop saying, “You might find a cup of coffee or a restroom among the more pleasant things of life.”

After the meeting I found someone had taken my overcoat – a dire necessity in the cold New York weather. My driver immediately thought about an elderly man whose memory was not quite as sharp as it had been. He drove me to the hotel, tracked down my overcoat, returned to the hotel with it, and handed me a card with his home phone and the number of the closest local hospital. In our conversation he heard me say I had been having gallstone pains. He then told me I could call him any time day or night and he would be happy to come get me.

As he left he asked if he could attend the breakfast the next morning because “I just want to listen.” Afterwards he made a quick exit to his truck, bringing me an envelope which he handed me. “It’s Valentine’s Day. I know you are traveling and was afraid you might have forgotten to get a card for your wife.” It was one of those gaudy, gushy valentines which I would have never picked out, but I was proud to give Mary Alice via the man who was totally committed to service – a man with a noble spirit for whatever task, however menial.

Well Done Commitment

Eating in a country café in Grand Saline, TX I noticed a forty-ish couple sitting behind me. They looked like “salt of the earth” people. Of course, Grand Saline is the salt capital as the home of Morton Salt production! When he got up to pay the bill he came back, stood a minute, and then reached lifting her from the booth. Her arms went around his neck. He backed out the café door, putting her into his pickup parked right outside the door. I saw she was wrapped in a full body brace and unable to stand. As we all watched wordlessly, the waitress commented, “He took his vows seriously, didn’t he?”

This week carefully consider: 1) How well do I notice people and experiences around me? 2) What way can I apply these life lessons? 3) Who models this skill in my daily life?

Words of Wisdom: “A man with a noble spirit for whatever task, however menial.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I know your deeds: your love, faith, service, and steadfast endurance.” (Revelation 2:19a NET Bible)

Scattershooting with the Sage

Weekly Thought – October 29, 2019

Fred often remarked about his one liner style as an outgrowth of sending telegrams. He learned to say the most in the least number of words. He tweeted long before the technology ever developed! He was well-known for his punchy wisdom bites.

Please pray for the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute team as they travel to West Palm Beach, Florida to engage students in the “What’s Next Roundtable.” Your prayer and financial support is greatly appreciated.

Scattershooting with the Sage

1. I can tell a great deal about you from: the recurring subjects in your conversation, the time allocation on your calendar, and how you spend your money.
2. A good conversation should unwrap an idea like a gift package: slowly, mysteriously, and interestingly.
3. We find that most people are logical if we know the base (premise) from which they operate.
4. A job well done is its own reward.
5. Blessing is not a synonym for success.
6. Earl Palmer has on his desk a hand-sculpted sign: “It’s never easy.”
7. I’m not for the old times because I like these times when you have a bedroom and a bath, not a shared bedroom and a path. (Note: Fred remembered the hollyhock lined way to the outhouse!)
8. Opportunity is not mandate.
9. Humility is not denying the power you have but admitting that the power comes through you and not from you.
10. A man does not grow old, but becomes old by not growing.
11. Service is the rent we pay for the space we occupy in life.
12. No matter what age you are, you only have now… that is all you’ve ever had or ever will have, so at any age you have as much as you’ve ever had.
13. God does provide food for the birds of the air, but He doesn’t put the food in their nests.
14. One of our spiritual mistakes is giving God a timetable.
15. One of the greatest Christian rationales for greed is “The Lord blessed me.”

This week think about: 1) Which one liner can be applied right away? 2) ) Which one liner can be applied right away? 3) What am I doing to develop my thinking?

Words of Wisdom: “Opportunity is not mandate.”

Wisdom from the Word: “God gave Solomon wisdom and very great discernment; the breadth of his understanding was as infinite as the sand on the seashore.” (1 Kings 4:29 NET Bible)

Asking About Ethics

Weekly Thought – October 22, 2019

Fred’s ability to ask probing questions enabled him to effectively mentor others. He also used this technique to measure his own progress. Strength of character was his hallmark. When he assessed others as business associates, integrity was the first consideration. Someone asked him how he knew he still had self-respect. “When I wake up in the middle of the night and try to talk to the little boy who lives inside who knows right and wrong, black and white, and he tells me to get lost, I know I have lost my self-respect. When he and I have a good conversation and he says, ‘You’re doing fine’ I can go back to sleep.”

Asking About Ethics

My only reason to speak is to change attitudes and behavior, both those of the audience and mine. One of the questions I like to ask is: “What is the strength of your ethics?” Let me give four questions:

1) Are you using a scriptural or a secular base? God’s law or man’s law? J.C. Penney said, “I shall not be judged by the Heavenly Father according to what I do now, by the material success I achieve. I shall be judged by the honesty of my purpose and by the spirit with which I pursue life’s duties.” He saw work as worship; he had a scriptural base.

2) Do our ethics promote our self-respect? Solzhenitsyn heard that the Dean of Canterbury was friendly to communism. He responded when he heard the man had commented “Better Red than dead,” “Better dead than a scoundrel.”

3) Does our ethical base emphasize our responsibilities or our rights? I have noticed that any individual, organization or society that emphasizes its rights is constantly in conflict with others. Responsibilities have a way of overlapping and forming a bond; rights always clash together. Those who emphasize their rights eventually become paranoid which grows into an unrealistic level of conflict. Oftentimes, their philosophy turns into “the end justifies the means.” This is immoral and cannot coexist with moral ethics.

4) What is the effect of your ethical base on the development of your character? In a conversation with a middle-aged executive I learned his fast progress up the ladder left him uneasy and dissatisfied. “Fred, I’m really not happy with who I am becoming. I’m not a better husband, a better father, a better citizen, or even a better person. I’m successful, but I’ve become phony.” Character is an inside job, and it is largely determined by the succession of choices, desires, habits, and beliefs we inculcate and personify.

Let me ask you three serious questions to contemplate: 1) Am I happy with who I am becoming? 2) Are my ethics on a firm foundation? 3 Will my anchor of ethics hold in the tempest of temptation?

Making sure of ethical mile markers is an exercise before engaging in any enterprise. Waiting until the action has begun is too late. The lines must be drawn way before day one.

This week think about: 1) How clear are my ethical standards to myself, my family, and my workplace? 2) Where are my soft spots? 3) Who serves as an accountability partner for me?

Words of Wisdom: Emphasizing responsibilities creates a bond; demanding rights separates.

Wisdom from the Word: “Yes, your servant finds moral guidance there; those who obey them receive a rich reward.” (Psalm 19:11 NET Bible)

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