Sign Language

Brenda’s Blog – February 11, 2020

“Love is free; Divorce is Expensive; Choose Wisely”

I laughed as I read the billboard sponsored by a local law firm in Arkansas.

Yes, it caught my eye. Yes, it made me remember. And yes, it made me think about the consequences of decision making. Emotional actions establish patterns which often have long-lasting and costly reactions.

A dear friend of mine left this earth for heaven several weeks ago. His influence lives on. One of the lessons he taught is the value of H.A.L.T. The way he phrased it is burned into my consciousness. Let me share it with you, hoping to give you the help he gave me.

“When you are preparing to make a life-altering decision, HALT! In other words, never make a life-altering decision if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.”

I am rarely hungry (I am always prepared with a snack), but I can recite times when anger, loneliness, and exhaustion provided an atmosphere for bad decisions. The impulse to take control rises under those conditions – the drive to DO SOMETHING outweighs the ability to fully consider consequences.

That is the time to consider the cost of impulsive action. Wisdom says “Wait” when emotion says “Go.”
The billboard made me smile; HALT protects me from great mistakes.

Principles of Life Changers

Weekly Thought – February 11, 2020

Fred mentored others, stretching them and as BWFLI says, “blessing them.” His primary mentor was Maxey Jarman who built a shoe company into an apparel giant with 75,000 employees. Fred wrote an article published in Leadership Journal highlighting principles evident in Mr. Jarman’s life. (Editor’s note: the article fleshes out each principle; space prohibits the full text.)

As we begin another year of BWF activities we thank you for your faithful participation. Organizing Fred’s thousands of pages into brief messages stretches us as we hope it does you in reading them. We appreciate your notes and your recommendations to others. Fred’s earthly life ended in 2007, but his influence continues. Thank you for your support.

Principles of Life Changers

I learned much from Maxey Jarman. He would be embarrassed if he knew I were writing this article, but then he would merely want it to be helpful. This is not an exhaustive list, but key to my development.

1. Maxey thought little about himself. His mind was occupied with opportunities and how he was going to get the job done.
2. Maxey was future oriented. He seldom wanted to reminisce. He was not cursed with the albatross of dragging the past around.
3. Maxey believed in progress, not perfection. He realized the difference between satisfactory progress and whimsical perfection simply costs too much.
4. Maxey read broadly. He read constantly, quickly, and widely, usually 5 or 6 books at a time.
5. Time was Maxey’s greatest “means.” Since time was his greatest limitation, it was to be invested judiciously. He needed to feel at the end of the day he had fulfilled his greatest responsibilities.
6. Effort alone didn’t count. “Results is the best excuse for activity.” He felt many substituted activity for accomplishment.
7. Maxey believed in people’s potential. He preferred for people to pull responsibility to them, provided they would accept accountability for it.
8. Maxey implemented responsibility with a strong, consistent discipline. He thought emergencies were the evidence of poor planning, therefore, he had very few.
9. Maxey was courteous, but still honest. He didn’t want gunslingers in the organization – shooting either for him or against him.
10. Maxey made lists. To live was to improve, and to improve was to make a list for specificity.
11. Maxey accepted his own weaknesses. “Don’t try to strengthen people in their weaknesses; it is less productive than utilizing their strengths.”
12. Maxey never became cynical. He knew to manage a large organization he had to trust his subordinates. The few who failed him or conned him didn’t change this conviction.
13. Maxey was decisive. He had a very open mind before making a decision, but a very closed mind once that decision was made.
14. Maxey was a much better demonstrator than a teacher. He rarely lectured; he showed you. You had to work with him to fully appreciate him. He was not colorful; he was effective.
15. Money to Maxey was a means, not an end. He was “afraid” of accumulating personal wealth. He talked about money’s deception and the evils it brought to those obsessed by it. He proved his conviction by giving millions to Christian causes.
16. Maxey was grateful. Thanksgiving was a great part of his relation with God. He had the humility of gratitude.

This week think about: 1) Who is my mentor? 2) How has he/she contributed to my personal or professional growth? 3) What can I be a more intentional mentor?

Words of Wisdom: “I never saw a man so serious about wanting to reach the truth.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Now give me wisdom and discernment so I can effectively lead this nation.”(2 Chronicles 1:10(a) NET Bible)

Ultimate Goals

Weekly Thought – February 4, 2020

Fred spoke with insight, wisdom, and elegance. His ability to think was a God-given gift which he treated as a stewardship. In January, 1981 he spoke to an unnamed group in Dallas. The entire speech is powerful, but too lengthy for these brief messages. We hope these snippets stimulate your thinking.

Ultimate Goals

Recently I met an old and prosperous friend who wanted to relive earlier times. Once an active layman, he is now inactive. I asked him if he remembered the verse, “When it is day I long for the night and when it is night I long for the day.” He became quiet and then barely audible said, “Fred, that’s me.”

He needs to reorder his life. Like too many, when given the choice of filling the soul or the pocketbook… he grabbed the cash. His poor soul had been on a stringent diet.

A pastor friend told me of the large industrialist, who owned his town, but was seldom seen and never appeared in church. When he was near death he called the pastor and asked him to visit. “When I came to America I heard there was a pot of gold at the rainbow and I went in search of it. I found the gold, but lost the rainbow.”

In East Texas I first learned of pine beetles. I saw them on the trees and thought they were alive. They looked completely natural, but when I took a closer look, they were hollow. Often I have to remember how possible it is to become hollow while looking alive. The inside seems to go before the outside.

It isn’t easy to keep the inside renewed for sometimes life seems to be a lot of activity and very little being… too much slant and not enough balance. We use up the inside in maintaining the outside.

I truly wish I could help the many bored, frantic, angry, even violent and meaningless people who cross my path – people who need to laugh, to love unselfishly… those who need relief from a social life that has become rote and empty. I see executives whose business life is their only life. We live with family life fractured and scratchy… the home little more than a transfer station. Some of us have let our bodies become little more than clothes racks or display mannequins. We need to help each other on the constant internal renewal of spirit worthy of respect, attention, and affection.

Recently, the President of a large financial institution called “just to visit.” I enjoy those calls. As we talked, I sensed the pace was almost frenetic so I asked, “How are you keeping your head together?” “Work, work, work” was his answer. I highly value work, but there should also be the mystical awe of life.

Malcolm Muggeridge defines life as a mystery to be illuminated not a problem to be solved. When true awe disappears, life becomes boring and repetitive. In America (and particularly in Dallas) I fear we substitute acquisition and entertainment for genuine awe. As a poor kid in the slums of North Nashville I spent hours on the curb looking up at the stars – in genuine awe and amazement. I probably haven’t had many times with better feelings of the bigness of the world and its Creator.

Part of awe is gratitude. I have a dear atheist friend in the oil business who returned from an extremely successful venture in Australia. “Fred, one of the most frustrating aspects of being an atheist is having no God to thank when things go well and you know you are blessed beyond what you deserve. In those times it would be satisfying to have a God.”

Real meaning in life is filling the soul, finding the right perspective, and saying thank you.

This week carefully consider: 1) Have I sacrificed the rainbow for the pot of gold? 2) How healthy am I on the inside despite how good I look on the outside? 3) What triggers gratitude right now?

Words of Wisdom: “We use up the inside in maintaining the outside.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold – gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away – and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” (1 Peter 1:8 NET Bible)

Perspective

Brenda’s Blog – January 28, 2020

“Convenience with no commitment” was the tag line for the movie theater club program. The promo showed all the benefits of paying $8.99 per month for the listed privileges. Finally, the screen filled with those words: “Convenience with no commitment.” Some marketing genius certainly took the pulse of the buying public.

Sadly, that is the tag line for too much of our culture, isn’t it? A social scientist years ago observed major changes can occur by appealing to two factors: comfort and convenience. We will actually give up our freedoms when driven by these two. It is a subtle transaction, but effective. We buy products which are not only new and improved, but provide ease. We hand over the keys to our lives for comfort. Hardship is not cool!

As we begin a new year, perhaps we can stop, do an evaluation of our values, and reassess the importance comfort and convenience play.
The second part of that phrase is unsettling – creating discomfort for me. “No commitment.” Decades ago Glen Campbell sang of the freedom he felt because no “ink stains on a piece of paper” kept him in the relationship. His bedroll stashed behind the couch was a testament to his love for her because she didn’t tie him down. As a “woman of years” I have a simple analysis of this philosophy: HOGWASH!

Until we plant our flag and say like Martin Luther, “Here I stand – I can do no other” we are still children. It takes courage, endurance, and tenacity to boldly persevere. This is true for relationships, jobs, community volunteer efforts, and even hobbies. Gladwell wrote about developing expertise saying it takes a minimum of 10,000 hours to gain mastery of a subject or skill. Imagine how many it takes to forge a healthy, lifelong relationship.

Deep roots are required for tall trees. A subterranean hole as deep as the building is high is necessary for skyscrapers. Commitment which stays the course is a critical element for maturity.

May we exchange “convenience with no commitment” for a true and lasting adherence to standing firm, even when it is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and just downright disagreeable, knowing the reward is great.
At the end of the first month, here’s wishing you “Happy 2020.”

Thinking Devotionally

Weekly Thought – January 28, 2020

Fred had a heart connection with the Elliott Class of Highland Park Presbyterian Church in Dallas. His long time friend (and no relation) Jim Smith invited him to substitute when he was out of town. Fred constantly thought about what he would say when he was “up to bat” the next time. Deep friendships developed, and outstanding content emerged from these years. This week is an excerpt from a lesson in June, 1988.

As plans solidify for the mentoring “deep dive” for BWFLI your prayer support is greatly appreciated. We also know how you stand with us in praying for the schools. If you haven’t joined the monthly prayer network, please sign up and pray with us for our network of twelve schools.

Thinking Devotionally

I want to review the five steps of developing a devotional life which counterbalances the stress we all experience in daily living.

1) Contemplation – In this step we establish our understanding of who God is. We acknowledge and participate in the fact of His infiniteness and our finiteness. We experience the awe of God. Until we see our relative position vis a vis God, we are handicapped in our search for peace.

2) Meditation – While contemplation is just between God and ourselves, meditation is generally augmented by the thought and writings of great men and women of the faith. For me, personally, the old saints who help us drive our roots deeper into faith. I learned a great word which covers this – agrapha – meaning spiritual writings which are orthodox, but not in scripture. I like to distinguish between meditation and inspiration. Although there is a place for inspirational writings they do not have the lasting quality of meditation. Think of it this way: inspiration sprinkles the grass; meditation waters the roots. In times of high stress, the well-watered root system better serves us. I am not belittling the value of inspiration, merely recommending the further step of serious meditation.

3) Prayer – the attitude of gratitude is a requirement for healthy prayer. When we say, “Yes, but…” we have not come to the place of gratitude. Prayer isn’t a technique for manipulating God. Until we see that it is to ultimately change us, not God, we are not fully understanding prayer. The opportunity to be in constant communication with the sovereign God puts our situations into perspective.

4) Bible Study – in the secular we learn, then do while in the sacred we do and learn. So many are refusing to obediently do. They hold to the intellectual pursuit of scripture not seeing that it is to be transformational, not just informational. In high stress situations head knowledge unaccompanied by experiential action is of little help. “O, taste and see that the Lord is good.” We study in order to more fully feed on Him.

5) Fellowship – Christianity is not a “loner” religion. It is a community, a body, a fellowship of believers. This concept consists of both giving and receiving. There are those who haven’t matured to the point past wanting to only receive. And those who compulsively give out of egotism are equally unworthy. It is only in recognizing what others need and willingly accept what we need that we experience the inhale/exhale function of fellowship.

Stress and anxiety are part of the human condition. To live in Dallas in the mid-80s without experiencing the push/pull would certainly be living in denial. However, these spiritual disciplines can help counterbalance the pressure.

This week think about: 1) It is not 1988, but stress is still real. What can I do to create a counterbalance? 2) Who can help me develop spiritual disciplines? 3) How can my faith stabilize my work, family, and community life?

Words of Wisdom: “Christianity is not a ‘loner’ religion.”

Wisdom from the Word: “May my words and my thoughts be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my sheltering rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14 NET Bible)

Book Shelf

Weekly Thought – January 21, 2020

Fred told people he read selectively. He chose topics and authors carefully. This week’s message is an answer to the question, “What book has most significantly influenced you?” This response was written in 1983. Several other authors became favorites, but Oswald Chambers never lost his prominent place.

Please pray for BWFLI as we craft an in-depth mentoring program for use in 2020.

Book Shelf

I find no difficulty in naming my most significant book. It is My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. This book has influenced my thinking and convictions more than any other book authored by man.

In December 1955 Grant and Orean Howard of Phoenix gave Mary Alice and me our first copy, thereby starting a chain of gifting that continues to this day. My friend and mentor Maxey Jarman wrote me in 1975: “I’ll always be grateful for the introduction you gave me to Oswald Chambers.” We plant seeds when we give vital books. After all these years we are seeing a fruitful and delightful harvest among our friends who read right along with us.

His thinking has become part of my reflexive thought. I quote him often both as an authority and the author of a shared experience he first coagulated for me. He has taken up residence in my mind.

Let me illustrate with five thoughts that continue to shape my attitude toward life which come from Chambers:

1) “Sit loose to things.” I recently received a phone call which informed me of a significant financial loss. I was able to think “sit loose…” I told myself “enjoy them, work for them, use them, but sit loose to them.”

2) “Lust says ‘I must have it now.’” Lust is often a matter of timing rather than possession. Psychiatrists tell us the most common evidence of American immaturity if the inability to delay gratification. Even in our emotions we refuse to take the long term vies. We hurry up to fill up our emotional valleys and holes with poor substitutes. We want relief NOW! Chambers showed me lust is much broader than I originally thought. It is refusing the normal rhythm of life, and failing to mature in it.

3) “So often we sharpen a verse of scripture and jab another with it.” I see too many who know chapter and verse, using it to intimidate the less instructed. Sadly, it is possible to sign most statements of faith and then live with an unloving attitude, injuring one another.

4) “We will not stand in large matters if we fail in smaller ones.” He constantly attacks my spiritual arrogance by pointing this out. It is easy to think we would be true and courageous in the weighty matters when in truth we are making exceptions for ourselves in smaller ones.

5) “The white funeral.” He calls us to truly die to self before we go through the black funeral of physical death. Too many of us have not completely died and been through the “white funeral.” Out of this experience comes the complete resurrected life, unhampered by the problems of human ego and self-righteousness. Dying to self and living in Christ gives life meaning.
I am happy to recommend the thinking and writing of My Utmost For His Highest. It is not entertaining, nor even exciting. It is compelling.

This week carefully consider: 1) What book has significantly influenced me? 2) How good am I about giving books to others? 3) Which of these life lessons strikes a chord with me?

Words of Wisdom: “His thinking has become part of my reflexive thought… He has taken up residence in my mind.”

Wisdom from the Word: “It must be with him constantly, and he must read it as long as he lives, so that he may learn to revere the LORD his God and observe all the words of this law and these statutes and carry them out.” (Deuteronomy 17:19 NET Bible)

Time Passes By

“When we did that I knew we were old.”

My son in law told me of standing over the newly purchased washer mesmerized, watching through the acrylic lid as the clothes agitated. They paused, laughed, and knew they weren’t 25 year olds anymore.

I love to ask people when they first realized they were aging. Top of the list is usually, “When a young person called me ma’am or sir.” That is a startling rite (or wrong) of passage. Or, how about being given the senior discount without asking!

Last week my daughter and son in law hosted a dinner at my house. I proudly presented a stack of Christmas CDs after digging through many boxes. She graciously ignored my efforts as she quietly said, “Alexa, play Christmas music!” YIKES!

At church last night an energetic young staffer conversed with two of the deacons. “I retired in 2001.” Quickly, the youth worker responded, “I graduated from high school in 2001.” “Wow! That makes me feel old was the deacon’s response.”

Those are outward evidences we have turned more calendar pages than most, but “feeling old” is not the same as chronological age. “How old do you feel?” is a question I enjoy asking my 65+ friends. Rarely do I hear someone response “I feel every day of my 70 years.” Or, “I feel ten years older than my age.” Quite the contrary. Most of us put a pin at a point 5 to 10 years younger than the sundial reads.
Dad used to say, “I cannot stop getting older, but I can certainly refuse to get old.”

We can be told by the culture we aren’t riding in the fast lane, but we aren’t being flagged off the course quite yet.

Psalm 71 records David’s request for years enough to tell the next generation about the strength, mighty acts, and greatness of God. He didn’t ask for years of idleness, or total leisure. He sought time to speak to the next generation. We aren’t finished – we are still in the race with a clear purpose.

Okay, when I am told “nobody carries sacred sheet music anymore,” I can smile remembering the delightful hours of exploring music stores, but recognizing “time marches on.” When a kind person offers an arm when walking up a hill, I can accept the help knowing there is an agile young woman inside who is enjoying the assistance.

Aging is a privilege. At age 85 Caleb asked God for years to conquer a mountain in the Promised Land. Let’s carefully consider our requests. What is your mountain? What is your testimony to the next generation? The world may look askance at us, but little do they know what lies behind that gray hair!

Mutuality

Weekly Thought – January 14, 2020

Fred valued friendship, enjoying several relationships for a lifetime. His ability to keep confidences, offer wisdom, and enjoy experiences deepened friendships. The hallmark of relationship management is his keystone phrase: “Friendship is mutual.”

BWFLI further deepens our relationship with students this year, producing a series of sessions for a small group of students nominated by their school administrators and faculty. These will feature two team members focusing on one student, developing a serious relationship. We will strengthen their understanding of mentoring, networking, and perseverance.

Mutuality

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. If the relationship is healthy, we receive as well as give. Without mutuality health doesn’t exist, nor can it grow.

Exchange is a better word than share. Where one does all the giving and the other takes all, the relationship will be flawed, and in most cases will be short-lived.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone observe about the efficacy of mutuality I felt that the statement and the observer were cynical. But as I watched for this, I realized all parties must get something valuable from the relationship, or it will die. We must be motivated by the desire to give and if our motivation is to give more than we receive, health increases.

Not only must the benefits balance, but also the spirit of mutuality.

This cannot be formulaic or it eventually fails. When approached by the Philippian jailer with the question, “What must I do to be saved?” Peter answered with “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.” A current phrase reflects this: “Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship.”

Relations must be planned, and well maintained, if they are to flourish. Like floral designs, they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically with each unique flower relating to the others. Some friends must be enjoyed only in one environment. For example, they may be great bridge partners or fellow vacationers, but are not transferable to other environments. Others take a long time to develop and bloom, yet resemble the cactus which can survive contrary conditions.

A very few friends are for all seasons but most of our acquaintances are for particular times. We must consider each relation, knowing how best they fit into the arrangement. Our oldest granddaughter has a friend who said to her, “I have friends when I am serious and sad. You are my friend I laugh with.”

Those who would refute mutuality as the basis for long-lasting relationships quote John 3:16 to me. I feel this is proof of mutuality, not refutation. God created man to have a relationship with Him. The relationship is mutual in that communion is God giving His best to us and our yearning to give back to Him everything we have. The real proof: God wanted that fellowship so much that to redeem the broken world, fallen by sin, God sent Jesus Christ to restore the relationship. Man is precious to God.

This week think about: 1) How purposeful am I about developing healthy relationships? 2) What value do I bring to my friendships? 3) Who teaches me about the true meaning of mutuality?

Words of Wisdom: “Not only must the benefits balance, but also the spirit of mutuality.”

Wisdom from the Word: “He is the reason you have a relationship with Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption.” (1 Corinthians 1:30 NET Bible)

Getting Our Heads Together

Weekly Thought – January 7, 2020

Fred, in his thinking on maturity, spoke and wrote about mental health. He once said, “I give a testimony rather than a medical thesis about mental health.” He used his own perspective as a traveler, not a theoretician.

Plans for 2020 begin with conversations among team members about goals for the year and campus activity. For the next two years we will be drilling down deeper with conversations among selected students and BWFLI teams. It is interesting to see the focus go from contact with 1000s to concentrated attention to 10s. The broad brush approach certainly introduced us, but the almost one on one interaction and engagement allows us to bring Fred’s principles into closer focus. THANK YOU for your participation with us through team membership, prayer, words of encouragement, and financial support. The work goes on and we eagerly anticipate 2020.

Getting Our Heads Together

Our desire for mental health is at the heart of the matter. Christ, at the pool of Siloam, asked the man “Do you want to be well?” I used to think this had to be the most useless question in the Bible. Who wouldn’t want to be well? But the more I dealt with people the more I realized not only was that not useless – it was essential to the man’s getting well.

As we look at our plan for mental health we must ask ourselves, “Do I want to be well?” If so, then simple, consistent discipline is required. A note, I am not talking about mental disease which should be handled professionally. I am writing to those who want to construct a strategy for emotional wellness as part of their general life plan. I have several good friends who serve their psychiatric patients well.
Let’s look at an exercise as we begin our conversation.

Take a card or piece of paper; draw a line from top to bottom creating two columns. On the left, write down those emotions you must discipline in order to stay mentally healthy. On the right, write the ones you recognize bring you mental discomfort or even sickness. After doing this, take a good look at both lists. The appropriate response is to create the discipline, as much as possible, to build the healthy emotions into our daily living. Part of this is to understand how they work. For example, gratitude is high on my list for desirable emotions. In order to cultivate thankfulness I try to understand exactly what it looks like when I am practicing it. I create a pattern which grows into a habit, and eventually a lifestyle. But it begins by identifying it as helpful and healthy, then purposing to build it into my life.

No two of us will have identical lists. For example, one person may have fear as an unhealthy, undesirable emotion, but only see it as a distraction from mature growth. Another, who lists fear will be paralyzed by it and unable to make progress while in its grip.

After careful study of the strength building emotions, prioritize them. Some people devise a plan and then wear themselves out trying to master each and every aspect of their “healthy person” ideal. Make a plan for enhancing the value of the good emotions. Of course, they all overlap to some degree. A grateful person will undoubtedly show kindness. And, a forgiving person will be one of grace. But determine the primary emotions.

One last word – spend little or no time trying to correct the negative emotions… that is a waste of time and energy. Let the good drive out the bad through its own momentum.

This week think about: 1) In this new year what emotions do I want to emphasize? 2) How interested am I in analyzing my own mental health? 3) Who is a good role model for me in my high priority emotions?

Words of Wisdom: “The desire to be well is essential to getting well.”

Wisdom from the Word: “When Jesus saw him lying there and when he realized that the man had been disabled a long time already, he said to him, “Do you want to become well?” (John 5:6 NET Bible)

Clean-Up Time

Brenda’s Blog – December 31, 2019

“Ma’am, I have the old washer and dryer out. You may want to take this opportunity to sweep up before I bring the new ones in.”

“Take the opportunity…” What a smooth way to let me know there was 12 years of dust, dirt, and unclaimed socks on the floor. It made me think about the ways I could apply his suggestion.

What else could use a broom and mop? Not just around my house, but in my life. Yes, there are closets, cabinets, and shelves that need scrubbing. There are boxes of craft supplies that need to be moved on to grandchildren or community centers. I realized recently I cannot possibly live long enough to use all the plastic cups (in every possible color) I have accumulated.

Looking at “stuff” is the easy part. Transitioning to habits and life patterns is a tougher assignment. I began running an inventory of values. How loyal am I to Jesus? How faithful am I to following scripture? What captures my imagination? When do I find time for family, church, and community?

Then the broom in my hand starts to create a blister. What about looking at the way I spend my time, my money, and my energy? I used to say anyone could get a clear view of who I am if they could see my bank book, look at my mail, and review my day planner. Funny, how times have changed… no bank books, very little snail mail, and definitely no leather-bound day planner. But the analysis still stands with different online measurements!

The old adage “a new broom sweeps clean” still intrigues me. After cleaning up 12 years of washer and dryer litter, a new broom is on the shopping list.

The joy of God’s grace is in experiencing the freedom to take His opportunities to bring all the muck and mire to Him. He creates within us a clean heart. The appliance man had no idea where his kind suggestion would lead me this afternoon, but I am ever so grateful.

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