Qualities of Excellent Relations

Weekly Thought – May 19, 2020

Fred enjoyed sincere, long-lasting friendships. He knew how to be a friend, a confidant, and understood how to create excellent relationships.

Believing these wisdom emails are helpful, we ask you to share with your colleagues, friends, and family. Fred’s heartbeat was stretching others. As his words still speak truth decades after originally written, we want him to continue being helpful.

Qualities of Excellent Relations

Relations require time… quality time. This can be a limiting factor in developing serious friendships. I don’t mean habitual time, but time which adapts and adjusts to the moving scenes of life. Like capital in a business which must be applied to create the most good at the right time, relations require the same strategic action.

Mature relationships also demand compromise. Since we are all unique there will never be total overlap. There will be differences and often the compromise is exposed in traditions from our upbringing, our view of life, our past experiences, and most importantly, our perspective for the future. In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.

In addition to time and compromise, it is necessary to share worthy projects. In my experience this is particularly true of men. We are not as apt to “do lunch,” as to work on something together. A friend with whom I worked for decades took early retirement. We knew to keep the relationship vital we must find meaningful work outside our company. We joined a corporate board together which gave us a clear reason for ongoing conversations, traveling, and making a strong contribution as a key part of the friendship. It has become a lifetime relationship which is both pleasant and profitable to others. Many of my longtime friends have served actively as Christian laymen, both in the church and parachurch organizations. Joining in Christian work together has given us opportunities to bridge life changes and grow together. We also shared the surviving and thriving of many Christian ministries.

Not only do we share projects, but we also share friends. One of life’s greater benefits is introducing friends to friends who then develop their own relationship. Building a network through the years spurs my own growth, as well as enjoying the synergy of these branches which occur. One of my dear friends Ron Glosser, former CEO of the Hershey Trust, has one of the most robust networks of any one I know. He is constantly trying to connect people in order to create a strong, productive outcome. Every time we talk he wants to know how he can pray for me, and how he can help me. He considers his network a gift of God to be used for His glory and to do much good in the world.

This week consider: 1) How intentional am I about building a helpful network? 2) Who are my best and closest friends? 3) What can I contribute to my friends?

Words of Wisdom: “In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So then, my brothers and sisters, dear friends whom I long to see, my joy and crown, stand in the Lord in this way, my dear friends.” (Philippians 4:1 NET Bible)

As We Go

Weekly Thought – May 12. 2020

Fred had a favorite one-liner: “service is the rent we pay for the space we occupy.” Productivity and contribution were foundational as core values. His definition of a good life would include his life goal of stretching others. This week we explore his thinking on service.

As We Go

We have the responsibility to make life different for those around us.

My friend Dick Halverson was chaplain of the Senate. Dick joined a group of friends who spent 2 or 3 days together with no agenda, just great conversation. It became clear to me Dick’s life was simple: he followed Christ and “went about doing good.”

Christ wasn’t frantic; didn’t follow a hectic schedule, or run from place to place nervously. We never see Him described as someone with an attitude of “I have so much to do, so little time, and I just have to keep on moving.” He just did good wherever He was. Remember when He was on the way to heal Jairus’s daughter and the woman with a serious physical problem stopped Him? He didn’t brush he off, telling her she was a lower priority. He solved her problem then went on. He went about.

I cannot think of a better obituary than to say a person went about doing good, and did good wherever he was. To be a person of good will and eagerness to serve honors the Christ we follow.

Humanly we tend to think about big goods and little goods. If we look at it from a long range perspective those little acts can be seen as seeds which are planted and then grow into something very good. I am convinced those big goods can be mistakenly accomplished by human desire and human energy for wrong reasons. When that occurs, the act shrivels up and bears no fruit.

Our Christian community can be fertile soil for those who strive to be associated with big good. They flit from one project to another, one ministry, one organization to another seeking to dream big for God. Being so focused on good “only God can accomplish,” they lose the miracle of doing good as they go. Clearly I am not discouraging us from joining God where He is working, as Blackaby says, but when the temptation to attach ourselves to only the big name projects makes us ignore the little goods, we have given in to the flesh.

Steve Brown tells a wonderful story about visiting a graveyard looking for hymnist Fanny Crosby’s marker. He couldn’t find it at first, but passed the enormous mausoleum of P.T. Barnum. After searching he found a modest headstone with these words: “Aunt Fanny, she did what she could.”

This week consider: 1) When did I last stop to see a little good I could do? 2) How do I encourage others to make a difference? 3) What can I do to make going about doing good a habit?

Words of Wisdom: “To be a person of good will and eagerness to serve honors the Christ we follow.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up.”(Galatians 6:9 NET Bible)

Growing Old or Older?

Brenda’s Blog – May 5, 2020

“You haven’t changed one bit. You look just like you did years ago!”

It had been 16 years since I was together with this friend. At first blush these words cheered my aging heart (and ego), even though I knew she was wrong.

As the glow faded, the thought occurred to me, “Brenda, if I think about that seriously, it is an indictment. Have you changed since college? Do you have new interests, new skills, deeper knowledge, more wisdom?”

Sadly, I admitted I improved on skills already developed by age 20, deepened my interest in subjects already introduced in early life, and practiced habits created in my 30s. But am I a different woman, or simply a more experienced model of my younger self?

Then, I switched the direction. “Perhaps you set your life course early, establishing your core values at a young age.” I think there is truth in that. My Breakfast With Fred work requires me to read thousands of words written by my Dad throughout his life. One of my ah-ha’s has been the way his foundational thinking matured, but did not change over decades. At 30 he held beliefs expressed in his 80s.

So, then what is the conclusion? Being a more solid Brenda founded on a firm faith is a good thing. Failing to add new skills, new interests, and experiences is not. Allowing fear to keep me from joining in on uncomfortable activities (like learning new games, singing solos, zip-lining, snorkeling, or hiking mountains) leave me unchanged.

Growing requires pushing beyond known boundaries. Perhaps I can risk a bit and the next time I see her she will tell me “You look like you are having great fun in your old age!”

Forgive Us Our Sins

Weekly Thought – May 5, 2020

Fred wrote much about maturity – its elements, and processes. Forgiveness is one of the key factors in mature living.

Forgive Us Our Sins

There is no way to live without violating other people or being violated. The way to even the score is not through revenge. Renowned psychiatrists find that revenge is the most unhealthy of all emotions. From a practical standpoint, I think our human nature is to get revenge, to get even. To move past this and begin the forgiveness work takes divine intervention. From my experience, it isn’t a natural trait.

The Christian faith asserts we must forgive unlike other cultures and religions which teach “an eye for an eye, or a tooth for a tooth.”

Forgiving is part of a process: living in the attitude of forgiveness, accepting the request for forgiveness, and then actually forgiving. I have had people say, “Fred, there are people I will never forgive – never!” Naively, they think withholding forgiveness is the best way to repay the hurt. We know the other person will probably never suffer our lack of forgiveness, but it certainly hurts us.

A business associate feuded with his brother 25 years before I knew him. By this time, he could not even recall the details of the estrangement, but he knew and eagerly told me that forgiveness would never be given. I had no idea of the outcome for the offending brother, but my associate developed ulcerative colitis and died a painful death. But he satisfied his aim of never forgiving.

Forgiveness should be one of those reflex emotions we develop. As soon as we realize it is required, we must discipline ourselves to act quickly. Running away from it, or denying it begins a downward slide for us emotionally, and even physically.

Forgiveness is a deep process, and we can’t just glibly say to somebody “oh, forget it!” Humans don’t forget very easily. Asking someone to forget without forgiveness is unhealthy. We tend to stuff it down into our subconscious. I find that full, true forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting.

Probably, the biggest problem we have is the need to forgive ourselves. A lot of residue of guilt is because after we confess, and receive God’s forgiveness we fail to accept that freedom. Many times I see people who refuse to accept their own humanity. Father Hesburgh, former President of Notre Dame, was given three precepts from his predecessor Father Cavanaugh: be right, be human, be humble. So often when we make mistakes, we hold them against ourselves as if we were not human. Frankly, I have never seen any reason to create a habit of forgiving others quickly, but not affording that to myself. I must be clear – this is not rationalizing. First there must be the admission, confession, and when possible restitution. If I won’t let someone else beat me for a forgiven sin, then I am not going to do that to myself.

This week think about: 1) How well do I handle forgiveness? 2) Who needs my forgiveness? 3) Who taught me the value of true forgiveness?

Words of Wisdom: “Forgiveness should be one of those reflex emotions we develop.”

Wisdom from the Word: “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our offenses, according to the riches of his grace.” (Ephesians 1:7 NET Bible)

Give Thanks

Weekly Thought – April 28, 2020

Fred always remembered those who were influential in his life. He expressed appreciation for men and women who taught him, prayed for him, and opened doors for him to use his gifts. He never took his opportunities for granted and always gave thanks.

In the last few weeks we have received great encouragement from readers of our emails affectionately known as WTs. Thank you for taking the time to email. Each word of support is gratefully received.

Give Thanks

The longer I live, the more I use gratitude as a measure of maturity. I have a friend who is quite ill with cancer. We have a tradition when we talk. I say, “What are you grateful for?” And she always says “I have much to be grateful for.” Notice she does not say, “I had much to be grateful for” No, she says “I have much.” Even in these days of great illness she doesn’t relegate gratitude to the past – it is always present tense for her.

It is easy for people to give you a list of past experiences which generate gratitude, but sometimes it is difficult to express thankfulness for the current season. We need to be conscious that our greed, discontent, and losses can cause a cloud to cover us, hiding what is current. When we have significant difficulties it may blind us to what we have right before us.

As I have gotten older I find many of my friends joining the “used-ta” club. We get together and they talk about “I used-ta do this; I used-ta do that.” I made a deal with my family I would not gain membership in that one. When we fall into this pattern, we lose focus on the good things going on right now. Yes, there were some great highlights, but as I told Mary Alice early in our marriage, “The Best Is Yet To Be.”

A mature person knows the value of gratitude, but this is more than just saying thanks for specifics. It is developing a gratitude mindset. We probably only recognize a small percentage of what should generate appreciation. I think of those things I was protected from unknowingly; those things that were provided without any notice; those times when I was totally unaware… these constrain me to cultivate a lifestyle of gratitude.

Billy Graham once told me of two amazements: his selection by God and his preservation by God. Both are so vast that we could never understand the specifics. Therefore, we need to develop a grateful attitude which allows us to walk in thankfulness day by day.

A side thought: When I think about gratitude it occurs to me to ask the question: “Do we pray to fill our tool box, or our toy box?” Are we more grateful for toys than tools?

This week think about: 1) How currently grateful am I? 2) What triggers my gratitude? 3) Who models gratitude well?

Words of Wisdom: “The longer I live, the more I use gratitude as a measure of maturity.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The LORD strengthens and protects me; I trust in him with all my heart. I am rescued and my heart is full of joy; I will sing to him in gratitude.” (Psalms 28:7 NET Bible)

Getting Priorities Straight

Brenda’s Blog – April 21, 2020

“Put your shovel down!”

My son in law’s business is 100% reliant on internet connections. They are located in a rural East Texas town without alternative lines or even backup systems.

Recently a road crew expanding a narrow roadway cut the fiber optic cable. Result? No service! Clients across the country immediately recognized the downtime. Everything came to a halt. This was not one of their better days.

In his frustration he wanted to go to the worksite and yell, “Put your shovel down!”

Those men working on the road repair had a contract to enable a safer highway. They did not awaken with the intent of shutting down the largest employer in the county. But one errant backhoe and life changed for everyone using those cables.

Yes, they should have instructions about the location of the critical utilities. Yes, a crew should have identified the area with nifty little flags. But in reality, the should haves don’t count. An ordinary day’s work turned into an extraordinarily bad day for everybody.

Can you remember times when you thought you were helping but were actually making a mess? How about that awful experience of wanting to be a problem solver yet creating more confusion? Aren’t they terrible? We shake our heads, wondering “Where did I go wrong?”

But before we get too embarrassed and disillusioned we need to give thanks for those we love (and love us) who understand where the sensitive areas are buried and plant red flags to avoid relational catastrophes. Before disaster they step in to say, “put your shovel down!”

Scatterthinking

Weekly Thought – April 21, 2010

Fred once said he captured every valuable idea he heard, read, or considered. He wrote them on napkins, matchbooks, and especially church offering envelopes. He never traveled far from his tape recorder. Margie Keith spent years taking scraps of paper, and voice snippets and putting them into pages of “captured thoughts.” How grateful we are for both who made it possible to archive and utilize his gifts.

Thanks to all who encourage us week by week. Your words expressing how you use these wisdom emails help us. Thanks to everyone who contributes to make this work possible week by week.

Scatterthinking

1. Considerations on loss

Early one morning at a men’s conference I was greeted by one of the participants who attended my session with loss as the topic. “How would you like to lose $50 million, move your wife out of a three million dollar home, and take Chapter 11?” I asked, “Is that your story?” “Yes.”

It would have been easy to have told him to read the book of Job and put him on my prayer list. That may have been the proper approach for some, but for me it would have been sheer hypocrisy. It would have been irresponsible. Be clear – I am not saying scripture and prayer are the wrong response. But in this situation, I knew I was to offer something I was gifted to give – my business experience and strategic thinking.

We spent two hours going through his situation and considering the options. Often loss causes a cloud to settle in, limiting the ability to effectively think through the problem and possible solutions. In our time together we began the process of navigating through the cloud, finding suitable outcomes.
The book of Proverbs tells us when we have something in our hand to give another, it is wrong to withhold it. My training, my gifting, and my experience prepared me to sit down with him and begin a conversation that would lead him out of the fog.

We identified one option which would begin his way back. Two years later he contacted me telling me he had cleared Chapter 11 and was working his plan.

2.Mental Discipline

Benjamin Franklin assembled a list of character traits he wanted in his life. These virtues were considered part of a mature, successful life: temperance, silence, order, resolution, frugality, industry, sincerity, justice, moderation, cleanliness, tranquility, chastity, and humility. He established a plan to focus on each one week by week, studying them four times during the year. Even today I meet leaders who frame copies of this system and hang them on their office walls.

This practice made me think about not only putting on, but putting off. I asked myself “what habits would I like to break?” I put that question to you. What one, two, or three commitments would set the direction for change? Take one commitment in each major area of life (e.g. career, family, community), write down the desired outcome, and begin an intentional plan of action.

This week carefully consider: 1) How can I use my gifts and experiences to help in problem solving? 2) What do I do when the cloud of loss descends? 3) When do I do my best thinking?

Words of Wisdom: “Often loss causes a cloud to settle in, limiting the ability to effectively think through the problem and possible solutions.”

Wisdom from the Word: “How great are your works, O LORD! Your plans are very intricate!” (Psalm 92:5 NET Bible)

The Human Condition

Weekly Thought – April 14,2020

Fred thought for fun. How odd that sounds, but it is true. He marveled when people would tell him they never thought at all. Everything he saw, read, or experienced started him down an exploratory path of contemplation. In his files are hundreds of pages labeled M-M. No one to date has deciphered the meaning, but they are one or two paragraph observations on diverse subjects. We are serving up two of these delights this week.

As Fred frequently pointed out, we are in constant flux. No one feels this more than college students. Please pray for those we touch each year with a message of hope, and help. Your encouragement and financial support are greatly appreciated.

The Human Condition

Part of our condition is caused by living in a secular world. Too often our religion takes on the flavor of the secular, as well. We live in a competitive world where winning and losing are key. We live in a high-energy world with image fighting reality, with the media too often doing the defining. We recognize and appreciate individualism while needing community.

Peers are more important to the youth than parents. Materialism is more prevalent and more highly valued than spirituality “Now” is overshadowing interest in the hereafter. Science has put faith on the defensive. Authority is being questioned. Institutional religion and denominations are in disfavor.

And yet, there is a memory of what used to be, a faint recollection of a certain otherness. There is a yearning for true reality. In this vacuum there is a longing for meaning.

Transition to What?

Historians have labeled these times as “post-modern.” They say we are in a transition period, not yet knowing what we will become. We are like a trapeze artist who has left the security of one swing and has not yet reached the certainty of the next. I think we are in the period between trapeze and chaos.

Management books are written on managing these times. When we want to go back, we realize we are the trapeze performer caught between swings. It would be foolish to think we can stand still and let the world come back to us. We must move forward.

Our confidence as believers is in the fact that Biblical have no time frame, no relevant situations. Any transition is from one era to another knowing God is always there.

This week think about: 1) What do I think about when I alone? 2) What changes am I anticipating? 3) How well am I balancing Biblical principles in a secular world?

Words of Wisdom: “ ‘Now’ is overshadowing interest in the hereafter.”

Wisdom from the Word: “All generous giving and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or the slightest hint of change.” (James 1:17 NET Bible)

Residual Energy

Brenda’s Blog – April 7, 2020

I am an electric stove user – always have been and at this age will probably always will be. My female relatives all love gas because it is either on or off – period. They turn it off and the heat is off. My electric stove stays hot even when the power is off. I know I can turn off the burner and count on the residual heat to finish the cooking. However, if I turn it off too soon, the remaining heat is insufficient.

The blue light on my computer charger stays on for a short time after it is unplugged from the wall. Residual energy flows through the cable. It powers my device momentarily, but not enough to complete any work.

Thinking about residual energy sent me down one of my rabbit trails… how can this apply to other areas of my life?

1. Relationships – regular contact is necessary for the deeper relationships in our lives. Certainly, there are those that exist as Facebook friends, or even once yearly get togethers. But the heart connection comes with intentional time when the cable is plugged into the power source.

2. Skills – I play the piano. In growing up I was constantly reminded of the virtuoso’s comment: “When I miss one day of practice I know; two days and my critics know; three days and the whole world knows.” Coasting may get us by short term, but regular practice is required for mastery.

3. Development – I can cruise on things I read a month ago (or maybe even a year ago), but to stay fresh, I need to be challenging my mind daily. When I start repeating the same stories I know there is nothing new in the pipeline. The cord is unplugged and I am on residual energy. Dad used to ask me what I was excited about. Lifetime learning is a requisite for excitement.

4. God – perhaps the most important example for me is the spiritual temptation to unplug and think I can move forward. Manna was given for each day, not to be gathered and stored except over the Sabbath. What God is teaching isn’t like punching a ticket on Sunday and riding the bus for the next six days without paying. Spending time with Him is the essential Source of power.

Sometimes it takes a while to recognize the signs of residual living. But inevitably, the evidence is clear – the direct, immediate connection to the power source is missing. The blue light may flicker for a short time, but ultimately the power is lost.

Developing People

Weekly Thought – April 7, 2020

Fred wanted his epitaph to read “He Stretched Others.” A large part of living that out was through his business career. He identified talent and nurtured it.

Developing People

The thing I enjoy most about being an executive is the opportunity to help people. One of the challenges to me is finding people who can fall either way off the fence. There are those who can fall into mediocrity or with the right shove can fall on the side of productivity.

Of course, there are the highly motivated one who do not need this push. They will fight their way out of a slump, up through an affluent culture with their tremendous drive, and talent… they are exceptional.

But there are many who don’t shine or show out. As youth they fall into the middle (and often muddle). They may end up being routine workers with jobs that have little or no promise. They will be on the same track for their lifetime.

These are the ones I enjoy finding. I see a flicker of a flame that hasn’t been fanned. I see “a lithe in the window because someone is home.” Often it takes very little to get them on to another track. I have been surprised many times by what they can overcome and accomplish.

Belief is critical to this transformation. When I was with GENESCO I spent much of my time in the plants and the various departments. I met a man with an eighth grade education, working in the inspection department. He wanted more, but thought his education deficiencies denied him progress. Today he is the President of a small company in Chicago. What made the difference? I believed in him. He finally saw the artificial barriers he created were just that – artificial and counterfeit. He understood he didn’t have to accept this.

I can repeat story after story of people who had someone believe I them and give them the needed shove. You may call this process mentoring, sponsorship, or in the Christian context discipleship. Helping another shift from one track to another can change their destination.

Consider those around you who could transition from mediocrity with your supportive shove.

Think carefully about: 1) Who first said to me, “I believe in you?” 2) How can I make a difference in a person’s life direction? 3) What motivates me to stretch others?

Words of Wisdom: “I believed in him.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Therefore encourage one another and build up each other, just as you are in fact doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11 NET Bible)

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