Weekly Thought – October 18, 2022

Fred and Mary Alice were married for 67 years. On this day 107 years ago she was born in Tennessee. Raised in severe poverty, she always had a dream for a life of meaning centered around her family and faith. She and Fred met in 7th grade English class at Hume Fogg High School in Nashville. They didn’t start dating until after high school when he would wander over to the S. H. Kress store and buy candy from her, the candy counter clerk. By age 21 they married and built a life of dreams and experiences beyond their dreams. They were both always grateful and modeled this for their children.

Give Thanks

On one of my early morning workouts (meaning going out to a local shop for a donut to prepare for Mary Alice’s breakfast at home) I watched a young well-dressed man walk in, sit down next to two truckers, and pull out of gold pen. To their total disinterest, he began a conversation,” How much is this pen worth?” The first trucker said, “Okay, what is it worth? Is it gold?” “Yes, solid gold.” The trucker shrugged, “I still don’t know what it is worth. Why?” “Well, yesterday I signed away everything I owned in this world with the pen. Now I am without anything.” He became frantic and said, “I know what I’ve got to do and I’ve got the courage to do it.” With that he ran out the door.

I went home, sat in my study, and thought about what I would say had I been able. The first thing would be: “List your assets.” He was alive, healthy, free, had business experience. All in the world he didn’t have was money. As I thought about it I realized that what really happens whenever we have a loss is a shadow or cloud is pulled over all our assets and we are unable to see them – the loss is all we can see.

This young man had lost his money and suddenly was unable to see anything else – and was ready to kill himself. He had not developed the discipline of gratitude.

When people come by my office wanting to talk about their problems I try to very early in the conversation get them to list their assets. When I say assets they invariably start to list their financials. They usually fail to consider the spiritual blessings. For example, a man walked in and I said, “What are your assets?” “Well, I have a bank account. There’s not much left in it. I’ve got some equity in my house.” I stopped him and said, “Let’s go deeper. Are you alive?” Of course, he said, “Well, yes.” “You look that way to me and some people consider that high on the asset list, particularly if they are hospitalized, on chemo, or facing their last days in a hospice.” I continued, “You’re healthy? You have a loving wife? Do you have business experience?” After a few, “yeah, I guess so” responses. I knew we were making some progress.

“Now, let’s list your minor assets. These are the ones that can be measured quantitatively.”

If I can break through and get them to feel gratitude, I’ve a real foundation on which to work against their problems. However, if they keep on saying, “Yes, but…” I know we are still stuck. I keep referring them back to their list of assets until I see them get past the loss and beyond the “yes, but.”

When they’re still saying “yes, but,” they are not really grateful. They are wanting something more. Gratitude is being grateful for what you have, not for what you hope to get.

This week think about: 1) How would I start a list of assets? 2) What problems are blocking my ability to be grateful right now? 3) When does “yes, but” stop me from making progress?

Words of Wisdom: “What happens whenever we have a loss is a shadow or cloud is pulled over all our assets and we are unable to see them – the loss is all we can see.”

Wisdom from the Word: “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – October 4, 2022

Fred prepared for every interaction whether it was a professional consulting appointment, a mentoring breakfast, or a visit with a grandchild. His methodology was asking questions rather than telling. He was a master at crafting questions which led to self-examination and self-discovery. He consistently asked himself questions. This week we will consider a few of them.

Knowing Myself

Relations should be evaluated externally and internally. Striving for excellence in the relation with ourselves is a worthy endeavor. The level we achieve requires the ability to put things into proper perspective. Disciplining ourselves and training ourselves is key. For example, when lonely, a healthy person joins the great writers and thinkers for an exciting evening of reading. When feeling mean, the answer is to associate with philosophers who convince us of our poverty of spirit. When frenzied, we should learn from those who exult in recreation making sure to choose those who know the difference between recreation and dissipation.

A large part of my strategy for “being on good terms with myself” is a personal assessment tool that measures the excellence of our internal relationship. Here are examples:

1) Is my self-respect increasing? Can I identify hollow spots and voids in myself? How am I handling them?
2) Am I content with what I am becoming?
3) Am I willing to be known for who I am rather than an acquired image?
4) Do I have to maneuver my relationships to avoid closeness?
5) Are my relational roots so shallow that they cannot stand adversity? Do I fear alienation from the shallowness?
6) Is power over others the central element in the relationship?
7) Am I trying to buy my way with others, binding them to me with a golden chain?
8) Am I more comfortable with my mortality as I age?
9) Am I developing deeper gratitude, believing that I have nothing but what I have been given?
10) Am I increasingly willing to give before I get?

Knowing and respecting who I am and especially the direction I am taking is a critical part of the maturity process. Stopping to have a conversation with myself assures myself of the proper trajectory.

This week think carefully about: 1) What questions am I asking myself right now? 2) Who do I trust with deep questions about myself? 3) How clear am I on my current direction?

Words of Wisdom: “Striving for excellence in the relation with ourselves is a worthy endeavor.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Therefore consider carefully how you live—not as unwise but as wise,” (Ephesians 5:15 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – September 20, 2022

Fred understood the value of disciplined emotions. He did not deny their presence, but respected their role. He acutely analyzed them with objectivity. He had a particular gift of “standing outside himself” and doing personal assessments. In so doing he sought to know two things: his constructive strengths and his destructive weaknesses. Managing then became a process.

Fear

Dr. Clayton Bell, when pastor of Highland Park Presbyterian Church, had the chilling responsibility of telling one of his parishioners her husband, daughter son, and son-in-law were killed in their private plane. He suggested she keep a diary of her experience. She published a magnificent record of this intimate encounter with catastrophe. It has been an exceptional blessing to many. Mrs. May faced her fears honestly and dealt constructively with them. In so doing others have been enabled to deal with their fears.

In sharing our fears, we are able to overcome them.

All our fears are not directed toward death. Most are everyday, garden variety fears. Those nagging fears of self-doubt and discouragement… fears of sickness, and fears of loneliness all pull at us. While we know “God has not given us the spirit of fear” (the constant feeling of fear), we still must fight against those destructive fears which rob us of the “love, power, and sound mind” as He promised.

Some of our fears are the natural reaction to hurt and inadequacy. They are not phantoms; they are real. Therefore, we must deal realistically, not running in terror or striking out blindly without a plan.

It is only when fear becomes a hindrance to our concentration, an impediment to our normal function of enjoying life, that we have to attack it. Oftentimes we wait and it goes away. If it doesn’t, then we are responsible to keep it manageable.

Some fear is good. A proper existence needs healthy fear. The fear of failure has for years motivated winners. Athletes call it “playing for pride.” Therefore, fear can be a healthy driver so long as a moral, value structure keeps it in place. Fear turns on our juices – it is up to us to use them constructively.

Properly controlled fear becomes our cautious guide. Treated intelligently, it guides us around danger. Only when it gets out of control emotionally it leads us into dark places and finally immobilizes us. We rightly fear lions on the loose, but in the zoo they are something to study and enjoy. Just so uncontrollable fears must keep our emotional control towers in good working order. In vigilance we can control and use fear correctly.

Many years ago, Charlie McCormick of Chicago and spice fame, gave me a line he said he saw on an English pub wall: “Fear knocked at the door; faith, answered, and no one was there.”

This week think carefully about: 1) When have I been gripped by fear? 2) What plans do I have in place to deal with fear? 2) How am I modeling faith over fear?

Words of Wisdom: “Properly controlled, fear becomes our cautious guide.”

Wisdom from the Word: “It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NET Bible)