The Permanent Parent

Weekly Thought – August 10, 2021

Fred was the third of five sons, raised by Mathew Bunyan Smith and Amye Anderson Smith. His father was a Southern Baptist pastor while his wife provided support and encouragement for the family. His father’s example of Christian love to the impoverished during the great depression taught Fred of God’s faithfulness. His Mother taught lifelong lessons of steadfastness, faithfulness, and purpose.

The archiving of Fred’s thousands of 3×5 cards with “observations and insights” has begun. They fit nicely between the “Fred Saids” which are his one-liners, and the Weekly Thoughts which expand into several paragraphs. They will be scanned and formatted. Please pray for the project as it progresses.

The Permanent Parent

Our heavenly Father is permanent… we are bonded. At the baptism of Jesus God said, “This is my Son whom I love, with Him I am well pleased.” We have a fixed relationship with a God who loves us unconditionally. Scripture says “no one can take them out of my hand.” We don’t have to keep winning His acceptance; the relationship is based on the fact of His nature.

Many fathers simply cannot accept this perfect bonding of unconditional acceptance in their own lives and consequently cannot model this relationship for their children.

A woman told me of struggling with her father even though he was dead. She felt she could never gain his acceptance or approval. She gave me the example of coming home as a young girl with a report card filled with all A grades. Her father’s response was “Don’t they give A pluses at that school?” He may have been facetious, but the wound cut deeply and has not healed yet. She struggles to see God as a loving Father.

There is intimacy in the perfect relationship. I have found that it cannot be planned or scheduled. It cannot be a task assigned as an A priority in our Daytimer. Intimate conversation has to come about naturally. All we can do is give it the opportunity, honesty, and openness to appreciate it when it does occur. Confidence in the permanence of the relationship, whether heavenly or human, creates a platform for intimacy. When we are secure in the enduring quality of God’s love, we have the freedom to emotionally open up to others in our lives. God’s everlasting love for us teaches us to the way to establish intimacy with our own children.

To me, the perfect human relationship is based on mutual respect. I believe in becoming each other’s teacher and mentor. I now recognize that our children are able to teach me just as much as I am able to teach them – and sometimes more. This lesson of mutual mentoring is taught through shared lives, trusting experiences, and lifelong work. The children occasionally thank me for learning about parenting. “You have done a pretty good job of re-parenting, Dad.”

As God parents me and I work to understand the principles and patterns I am working to apply them to human relationships, especially with the children. God is a good teacher who models what my parenting should be – and what I want it to be.

This week think carefully about: 1) Who models parenthood for me? 2) How convinced am I of God’s love for me? 3) What lessons am I teaching my children about God’s fatherhood?

Words of Wisdom: “When we are secure in the enduring quality of God’s love, we have the freedom to emotionally open up to others in our lives.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The man who loves wisdom brings joy to his father.” (Proverbs 29:3a NET Bible)

Be Legendary

Brenda’s Blog – August 10, 2021

Basketball great Kobe Bryant had a brief conversation with the up and coming Devon Booker. The younger player hung on every word, and then asked the veteran player to sign his shoes. On one he wrote his name boldly. On the other he wrote these words: “Be Legendary.” Then he stopped to explain to the future Phoenix Suns star what that meant: “do everything it takes – do more of whatever is expected – do all that you have in you. You can only be legendary if you give it all you have.”

Those words took root in the soil of Booker’s soul energizing an already electric work ethic. He looks back on that exchange as a lifetime experience.

My Dad often inquired “Who first said, ‘I believe in you.’” When we began the leadership institutes named for him and founded on his principles of mentoring, networking, and persevering we incorporated that question into our presentations.

For thirteen years we spent intense time with institutions of Christian higher education. I never stopped being startled at the response. In every group there would be quite a few men and women who said no one to that time had ever said that to them. These were upper level campus leaders with distinguished records, yet they could not pinpoint a time when someone verbalized their faith and belief in them.

The power of specific encouragement cannot be overestimated. The strength of looking into someone’s eyes, listing positive qualities, and expressing firm belief can be life changing. This is not random “happy talk.” NO! This is getting to know someone, identify the nature of their character and talents, and then with sincerity pronouncing belief. This is as close to a blessing as you can get!

Who first said “I believe in you.” Who are you speaking life and future hope into?

We may not all be legendary, but we can all fulfill the gifts God has built into us. And we all long for the nurture of another’s belief.

Living A Life That Matters

Weekly Thought – August 3, 2021

Fred’s commitment to “a life worth living” never waned. Even in his last hours he struggled to speak wisdom to those who came to say goodbye. Identifying his “uniqueness” as he called it, and maximizing its use for indeed a lifetime endeavor. He died as he lived – with purpose and faith.

Please pray for our friends in Christian higher education. Challenges are great, but their resolve is even greater. We would encourage you to join those who pray monthly for them as participants in our Breakfast With Fred Prayer Network.

Living A Life That Matters

A life worth living is available, but it must be earned. You must earnestly and honestly want it. Emerson said, “Be careful young man what you want, for you will have it.” He spoke of the thing you want from deep down in your heart – the lodestar, the thing that is the magnet to which you are drawn. Many people I see really don’t want the life they’ve got; they want something else, but they haven’t been willing to endure the pain of defining what they want.

One of the most telling truths of Christ’s ministry was at the pool of Bethsaida when he asked the man who had been there for 38 years: “Do you really want to be healed?” I used to think that was a very foolish question, but the longer I live with people, the more I need to know what they honestly want.

When a young executive comes to one of my friends in senior management and says he is unable to complete an assignment he asks,” Is this something you can’t or won’t do?” Then he goes on to say, “If you can’t do it, I can help you. If you won’t do it, nobody can help you.” So much time is wasted by people trying to help others who don’t want to be helped. I am not in the business of building a 95% bridge.

There are two questions I want to ask of those who want my help in achieving a life worth living:

1) What have you done to help yourself? The other evening I visited with a middle-aged man who looked like a comer when he was young. I’ve been surprised that he has not really made a success of his life. He left a large corporation he joined directly from college. He was a bright and promising young rising star. I began to understand it when we talked about the disciplines necessary to pull ourselves out of emotional slumps. He said, “Sometimes I just like being down there and I don’t want anybody to pull me out until I have completely enjoyed the funk.” I saw he had developed a negative narcissism that a successful executive simply cannot afford.

2) Where have I been willing to ask for help? There are times when we cannot do it alone. We need someone else to help and we must ask for that assistance. Of course, there are times when only Go can provide the help. In either case, we must be humble enough to reach out and say, “Please help.” False pride will extinguish the fire of a meaningful life.

The life you have is the result of your choices. If you want a different life you must make different choices. A life worth living is a life worth wanting.

This week carefully consider: 1) How satisfied am I with my life? 2) What choices have set me in this direction? 3) Who can help me assess my current condition?

Words of Wisdom: “I am not in the business of building a 95% bridge.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But tell the people of Jerusalem that the LORD says, ‘I will give you a choice between two courses of action. One will result in life; the other will result in death.’” (Jeremiah 21:8 NET Bible)

Lifestyle Mentoring

Weekly Thought – July 27, 2021

Fred saw himself as an “inveterate note taker. “Rarely do I hear, read, or even think anything that I feel deserves retention that I don’t commit to paper. I’ve been doing this for sixty years.” This became a common practice with those he mentored, as well. In his last days dear friend Bill Glass appeared in the ICU waiting room with a notebook and pen. “I still have questions for Fred and I want to make sure I get the answers right.”

Lifestyle Mentoring

One form of mentoring defines the principles of living. Recently, I hear a young man say, “My grandfather was everything to me. He loved me, and he taught me how to live.” How fortunate to have an older person in one’s life about whom you can say that.

As we look to scripture for examples of lifestyle mentoring we automatically think of Paul and Timothy. Paul let Timothy observe him at work. He didn’t try to teach Timothy mechanics of missionary work. He was a father in the faith… a type of parent without the parental responsibilities.

For years Zig Ziglar and I have regularly met to talk. When we sit down he gets out his paper and pen even though his memory for material is greater than mine. In discussing mentoring he said, “Be sure to tell the person being mentored to make notes. No one should trust his memory with anything important.”

A good mentor never ridicules a question. He may choose not to answer, but he respects the process because questions are the pump that makes the answers flow.

I have sought over my lifetime (which is approaching 90) to distill life into principles. Some are eternal, and therefore always current. I form a mental filing cabinet for all information that passes through my experience. Some items interest me – others do not. So, there are some empty file folders in my cabinet for topics of no interest to me. I was blessed with excellent recall, but I work on it consistently.

Lifestyle mentoring is “coming alongside” in the day by day, developing by observing, asking, absorbing, and putting information into a helpful form.

This week carefully consider: 1) Who is my lifestyle mentor? 2) How effective am I at note taking? 3) What am I learning that will be valuable to younger ones?

Words of Wisdom: “Rarely do I hear, read, or even think anything that I feel deserves retention that I don’t commit to paper. I’ve been doing this for sixty years.”

Wisdom from the Word: “To Timothy, my genuine child in the faith.” (1 Timothy 1:2 NET Bible)

Crisis Management

Brenda’s Blog – July 27, 2021

George Orwell and Aldous Huxley are well-quoted these days for their prescient writings predicting a world and a worldview unlike our comfortable all-American lifestyle.

Interestingly enough, the first glimmers of “Big Brother” and “Animal Farm thinking” startled us. We vehemently protested the loss of privacy, freedoms, and personal liberties. We challenged those who espoused central control. That lasted for a while.

Slowly the older ones have moved out of leadership – and even moved on to their eternal resting place, taking with them their resistance to the new thinking. The younger generations are acclimated to a changing economic, moral, and political environment accepting the changes and consequences with much greater poise.

The other day I thought “we have moved from Orwell to Oh-well.” Acceptance of monitoring, limiting, and determining is more common. The recognition that privacy is an outdated, outmoded concept results in a shrug and sigh when one of us “older ones” argues for the rights of personal thoughts, property, and activities.

Central to this shift is the masterful use of crises. We eagerly give up our freedoms when faced with life threatening situations. Normally, we deal with stressful events by allowing them to resolve. Those who want control must constantly create fear in order to lubricate the process of liberty removal. The shelf life (or media cycle) of a normal event isn’t enough to throw us totally off guard. Instead, as one begins to wane another must take its place, keeping us off balance and even more willing to accept the unacceptable.

In times of disequilibrium Christians can pause to assess, evaluate, and remember “in times like these we have a Savior.” And in these very troubled times we have an “anchor which grips the solid rock” (Jesus Christ).

Life Lessons

Weekly Thought – July 20, 2021

Fred once said, “I have spent my life asking questions. I always work to find the key question.” He knew as does Bob Tiede, premier expert on questioning, it is both an art and a science. This week we will look at two Fred asked himself as part of assessment.

Life Lessons

Personal and professional development requires the asking of questions… of others and myself. Here are two which have meant a lot to me.

1) Does my will control my feelings? Integrity is more a matter of the will than of feelings. Without the healthy use of feelings we become mechanical. We are unable to connect with others without empathy or compassion. They energize us. They make great implementers, but poor leaders. Our will is the single most distinguishing feature of our character. A strong will does not blind us to the importance of emotion. It does, however, stand against the tendency toward rationalization that attacks us.

I was fortunate to have a Mother with an indomitable will. Despite many physical disabilities she persevered often quoting “Be not weary in well doing, for in due season you shall reap if you faint not.” Her grit and Rudyard Kipling’s poem “If” inspired Mary Alice and me to make our family motto: “When nothing but the will says go.”

Leadership demands a strong will – not a selfish or stubborn one, but one determined to do what needs doing. By an act of the will we overcome the draw of pleasure and the satisfaction with mediocrity.

2) Is grace real for me? Grace was genuine, real, personal, and palpable to the great saints. The ancient Christian mystics had no doubt they were the constant recipients of Go’s amazing grace. It was a practical part of their everyday life. For example, Brother Lawrence said when he sinned he confessed it, and moved on without spending time bemoaning it. He knew without the power of God failure is natural. Reading that greatly stirred my thinking. Prior to that I lingered over guilt. Immediate grace was too good to be true, I thought. Brother Lawrence’s thinking released me.

Legalism appeals to many Christians; it fits into a common sense approach to faith. We must remind ourselves the very Scripture that lets me know my guilt lets me know God’s grace. By refusing grace we play God, choosing to punish ourselves. We develop a perverted way of interpreting events in our lives arbitrarily choosing to tag some as God’s discipline and judgment.

Grace brings freedom. If we could only freely accept it we could practice confession and continuing to walk in faith. Why can’t I see the free gift it is and how available it is? In my experience those who value grace most dearly are those who have experienced it most deeply in their lives. It reminds me of the scripture, “He who is forgiven most, loves most.” He or she who understands the release from the bondage of sin through Christ, revel in the gift of grace.

This week think carefully about: 1) How would I answer Fred’s questions? 2) When have I chosen to keep going whether I felt like it or not? 3) What questions are key in my personal assessments?

Words of Wisdom: “By an act of the will we overcome the draw of pleasure and the satisfaction with mediocrity.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9 NET Bible)

Lessons From The Beach

Weekly Thought – July 13, 2021

Fred and Mary Alice loved their time in the mountains of North Carolina. They also enjoyed the years they had a condo on Mustang Island in South Texas. In typical Fred fashion, he analyzed what he learned after a visit to the beach one Spring.

Lessons From The Beach

I was on Mustang Island during Spring Break a few years ago. Have you ever been sober among drunks – old among the young – an outsider among the insiders? If so, then you know exactly how I felt.

It seemed the kids wanted three things:

1) Fun. It must have always been somewhere else because they were always frantically looking for it. Their laughter was hollow. They were loud, profane, and destructive. Early each morning the entire area was littered with trash. And fun was not only a phantom – it was expensive. They appeared to revel in one-upsmanship. After awhile I got the feeling parents had actually funded this adventure just to get them out of the house. And I couldn’t blame them – spring break was totally hedonistic.

2) Irresponsibility. Three words describe their state: drunk, nude, and drugged. It appeared acceptable for a guy to walk around without clothing, but it was mandatory to have a beer can in his hand to be considered well-dressed. Urging young women to “get naked” was the theme. I don’t have enough experience with drugs to speak authoritatively, but many of them seemed what I think is called “spaced out.”

3) Anonymity. They maintained their anonymity by staying en masse. By traveling with the group (especially the in group) they blend in and feel a part of the action. Bad decisions are easily made in such an environment – decisions which leave lifelong scars and permanent consequences. Yet I thought about how many adults strive and fight very hard to be in with the group. Being totally in results in total anonymity. Our unique identification is lost.

I asked one of the young women who seemed to be rather thoughtful and interested in conversation how she felt after the binge. “It isn’t as good as I expected and I guess I feel frustrated.” So often we all have the anticipation without the satisfaction. We think the party will be great, but it isn’t; we try for the big title and the big money but then we feel hollow. Without a spiritual base too much of life is that – anticipation without satisfaction. Scripture calls it “clouds without rain.”

A theologian friend of mine told me “Fred, sin is like the midway at the State Fair — the ride is short and the price is high.” The danger of these weeks is not so much the four day binge, but the danger that people think sin is an appetite that can be satiated. For some of my friends it is greed for power, money, or material possessions. It is a consuming fire which does not know “enough.”

This week think about: 1) How am I still bringing a spring break mentality into my adult life? 2) What changes do I need to make in my priorities? 3) Who is being impacted by my goals?

Words of Wisdom: “Without a spiritual base too much of life is that – anticipation without satisfaction.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I realized that wisdom is preferable to folly, just as light is preferable to darkness.” (Ecclesiastes 2:13 NET Bible)

Use Your Gifts

Brenda’s Blog – July 13, 2021

Archie Manning is the patriarch of the great Manning football family. In an ad for an outdoor grill he is shown conversing about the son’s love of grilling – even from his youth. And then it shifts to a commercial for a particular grill.

One of the great lines in the ad comes as the Dad smilingly remembers the son’s lifelong grill affection. “Remember what I always told you…” The son interrupts and completes Archie’s sentence, “I know, ‘do more of what you are born to do.” It certainly pleased the grill manufacturer to hear the Mannings include their product and activity in the list of “born to do” items.

My Dad used a paraphrase of Proverbs 18:16 as a life verse: “Take the gift that God has given you, and use it, and you will stand before great men.” Archie Manning would love that one!

Oceans of ink and acres of trees produce the resources for the incalculable words discussing “finding God’s will for your life.” Formula after formula surface promising the one and only key to the answer. Dad and Archie Manning both simplified the search: find your uniqueness and spend your life developing it.

It isn’t about uncovering the path to prosperity – it is totally about finding the gifts God has given you to further His purpose for you. We are connected to one another with service, stretching, and strengthening as the desired outcomes. Our gifts are tools to better accomplish His goals for us.

When do you feel most alive? What gives you the sense you are giving pleasure to God? What do others say you do better than most? How do you describe the joy derived from certain activities?

These are all questions leading to what you are “born to do.” You aren’t here as a space holder – you are a vital part of the human jigsaw puzzle – the picture is incomplete without your participation.

Find what you are born to do and then do lots and lots of it!

Fatherly wisdom

Weekly Thought – June 29, 2021

Fred rarely sat down and said to his children, “Listen up, I am going to give you wise words.” On occasion he did sit down at his old Selectric typewriter, masterfully using the two finger “hunt and peck system.” This week’s thought is unusual, personal, and brief. Found after Father’s Day his daughter Brenda shared a memo sent in April, 1992. As always, the truths are timely and timeless.

Fatherly wisdom

To Brenda

Today you took another step in the same direction, not a new road. You are on your way to develop marketable career skills and relations. Increased income and/or company promotion is important, but not controlling. Progress, not winning/losing is your emphasis.

Your continued strengths are your integrity, learnability, relations, knowledge, and superior effort. Keep networking and upward as much as possible. Power is a necessity for action. A small vital effective fish will be put into a larger lake. I like to look out of place where I am and like I belong in a larger one. Be the kind of person others want to help succeed. Keep your contact in good repair – neglected contacts corrode.

Along the way make use of mentors and sponsors (not always the same). You need a challenging situation among real pros. The good student calls forth the good teacher…”when the student is ready the teacher will appear” so goes the ancient Greek saying. In the meantime learn from everyone all you can. Share what you have with others and so feel worthy of help you might get.

These are just a few thoughts running through my mind for the last few days as I have thought about your move into the sales manager’s job. Also I might add: every title has a value in your climb up the executive ladder.

Bless, Dad.

This week think about: 1) What words do I have for my children? 2) Which of Fred’s counsel really hits home for me? 3) How faithful am I to consider my family, my colleagues, and my friends?

Words of Wisdom: “Progress, not winning/losing is your emphasis.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Listen, children, to a father’s instruction, and pay attention so that you may gain discernment.” (Proverbs 4:1 NET Bible)

Blame Shifting

Brenda’s Blog – June 29, 2021

“Not my fault, not my fault!”

Three year old Jeff sat on the floor mumbling to himself. As I got closer I bent over to hear what he was saying: “Not my fault, not my fault!”

“Jeff, why are you saying that?” I asked. “I am practicing for when the girls (his two older sisters) blame me. As the youngest one, the girls often shifted blame to him. They ably put on innocent faces and pointed fingers at their little brother, thinking we would actually buy it!

That is a funny sibling story, but not so humorous when seen in adults. Sadly, our culture often rewards those who deftly avoid personal responsibility and slide past accountability. Mastering the art of dodging receives too much applause and too many accolades. Being slick is no longer shameful but worthy of high fives.

Let’s resolve to be people of integrity who “own up” instead of those who “double down.”

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