Any Questions?

Brenda’s Blog – May 31, 2022

“Leaders ask the right questions.”

My friend Bob Tiede comes armed with questions whether it is a high level leadership meeting or a birthday greeting on Facebook. His website (www.leadingwithquestions.com)and books highlight the highly developed skill of questioning.

My Dad mastered questioning knowing it was both art and science. Knowing how powerfully he used queries I asked him to coach me in this leadership strategy. “Brenda, it is simple. You ask a question the person wants to answer.” That was the science part of the equation. “Dad, how do you know what question they want to answer?” “You just do –” THAT is the art. He gave me illustrations of experiences with people when his ability to discern opened up conversations, moved problems to solutions, and deepened relationships.

Dad’s listening talents were part of his genius. He read between the lines, asked questions which enlightened, waited for light bulbs to go off, and accomplished his life goal of stretching others. He analyzed the listening process then utilized the steps as he interacted with others. His ability to read body language, assess emotional condition, and determine basic assumptions allowed him to be an interpersonal Sherlock Holmes. He listened to the words, but watched for nonverbal clues.

What are your favorite questions 1) when you are initially introduced to someone? 2) during a difficult, highly emotional situation? 3) when you are encouraging a colleague or family member?

Bob Tiede’s library of authored books includes questions Jesus asked and the latest one features questions asked by Paul. I highly recommend checking out his volumes – and growing in your effective use of questions.

Finally, 1) what is exciting you right now? 2) what can you do today to forward your life mission? 3) who models this leadership skill?

Emotional Energy

Weekly Thought – May 31, 2022

Fred illustrated his principles in ways his audiences could apply. Although he understood advanced theoretical content, he believed his giftedness included communicating ideas in transferable ways. He thought of ideas as pans which needed handles to pass from one person to another in the kitchen. He wanted to make sure he provided accessible handles.

Emotional Energy

We all come with a portfolio of emotions. Learning to manage them profitably is our job. Emotional situations produce energy. The better we manage and control and response to them, the better able we are to successfully utilize the energy.

Often the rigid person is blown apart by the very emotions that could have produced positive energy. I think about the way cars are designed. They are propelled by a series of controlled explosions – each separately timed and contained by elements in the design. Our emotional energy flows through us. Although we can’t perfectly time them, we can exercise control through planning, and discipline. I see this as one of man’s challenges.

On the other hand, the flexible person learns and employs the principle: “Don’t panic.” This comes with constant mental discipline, even in the smallest situations. I found it took a decision against panic always, no matter what. I practice to stay cool in the everyday happenings knowing this will build a habit that will keep me flexible when serious situations arise.

If you freeze in the little events, you will most likely lock up when the really difficult ones come.

Let me share a personal example: I have visualized and “lived through” each and every crisis I can imagine so that if any occurs, I will have practiced my response and prepared. I have friends who criticize this method saying I don’t have God’s grace until the situation arises, but I am not “borrowing trouble,” I am just thinking through situations (whether business or family) and formulating an action plan. I am disciplining myself mentally and spiritually.

My word of counsel on disciplining emotions is PRACTICE. Make emotional energy work for you. I find driving freeways and raising children provide adequate opportunities to work on flexibility and jettison rigidity.

This week consider: 1) How flexible am I emotionally? 2) What sets me off and how can I manage my response? 3) When do I handle emotional situations well?

Words of Wisdom: “If you freeze in the little situations, you will most probably lock up when the really difficult ones come.”

Wisdom from the Word: “A fool lets fly with all his temper, but a wise person keeps it back.” (Proverbs 29:11 NET Bible)

Building Internal Strength

Weekly Thought – May 24, 2022

Fred thought and taught much about stress. He addressed business audiences, as well as ministry groups. Although they had different missions, he pointed out the similarities in their need for managing stress.

Building Internal Strength

I was asked to speak to 25 leading Southern Baptist pastors who showed great interest in knowing what laymen were thinking about handling stress. I told them that business people learn to balance the exterior circumstances with the internal condition. When external circumstances build up pressure and become threatening, attention must be turned to strengthening our internal condition or we will become like the doctor who gets so involved during an epidemic curing the sick he neglects his own health and dies from the very same disease.

A submarine must have the interior pressurized as it submerges or the outside water pressure will crush it. As long as the exterior and interior pressures are balanced there will be zero stress. Another example is the potter who learns the great skill of matching the pressure of the inside hand against the outside hand. Too much pressure from the inside and the clay bulges; too much from the outside and it caves in.

Too often the exterior gets so consuming we pray for the external pressure to be decreased rather than asking for the interior to be strengthened. An old saint prayed not that the burden would be lighter, but that he might become stronger.
One of my favorite examples is Tommy Armour, the “Silver Scot” of golf game. When other pros were talking about weakening the right hand to keep from hooking he said, “NO, strengthen the left hand and then whup the heck out of it with the right.” He was the initiator of the long ball.

Balancing the exterior and interior came home to me recently. I was scheduled to teach the Elliott class and chose this very subject because I was thinking a lot about it. On Saturday morning I went out to the garage to get in the car and head out for a busy day. I could see there was a white substance and oil on the garage window. When I opened the door I realized we had been vandalized. Someone threw a gallon of white paint and two gallons of used crankcase oil on the door. Such an experience does have a way of altering your agenda! Fairly quickly I thought, “Tomorrow I am going to talk about strengthening our internal condition to offset our external stresses. Now I have a great illustration.”

This week think carefully about: 1) How well do I keep the interior and exterior in balance? 2) What stressors are most troublesome right now? 3) Where do I find the greatest balance?

Words of Wisdom: “When external circumstances build up pressure and becomes threatening then we have to turn our attention to strengthening our internal condition.”

Wisdom from the Word: “My hand will support him, and my arm will strengthen him.” (Psalm 89:21 NET Bible)

Hit The Brakes!

Brenda’s Blog – May 17, 2022

“The car is in the house – the car is in the house!”

The message from my Mom set off alarm bells. What could she possibly mean? Her advancing Parkinson’s Disease caused minor confusion, but nothing like this.

I talked with my Dad and agreed to meet him at home. Arriving before him I walked in to see my sweet Mom sitting in a chair slightly dazed and crying. And much to my surprise her car was sitting squarely in the breakfast room nestled up against the kitchen counter. The car was indeed in the house!

To her dying day she insisted the car malfunctioned, sending her through the garage wall, through the very sizeable built in cabinet holding favorite crystal pieces and other sentimental breakables. The car was stopped by the heavy breakfast room table – thankfully. At nearly 75 she climbed out through the window, onto the table, and then down to the floor to reach the telephone.

The tow truck removed her very injured car and the process of piecing the story together began. There were no pointed fingers, just grateful hugs and prayers of thankfulness. Rather than replace the vehicle Dad acceded to Mom’s wishes and had it fully repaired and restored to health. But even though Mom never drove it again, it stayed with them until her death 14 years later.

What really happened? The insurance adjuster’s decision was simple: as she pulled into the garage she hit the accelerator instead of the brake. She picked up speed and drove headlong into the house… the car was in the house!

You may certainly have not experienced a shock like my Mom did, but can you think about a time when you hit the accelerator rather than the brake? How about decisions made in haste? What about purchases made under pressure? Or, words spoken in anger when a quiet, braking pause would have better served?

We can learn from Mary Alice Smith before our relational, emotional, and spiritual cars come crashing through a wall never intended for breaching.

Relationships

Weekly Thought – May 17, 2022

Fred cultivated and nurtured relationships. Networking for him wasn’t a business strategy – it was an effective means of living out his goal of stretching others. He was an excellent friend. He held confidences; he prayed for them; he connected them with others; and he believed in them.

Relationships

Relationships are not homogeneous. The variety resembles the diversity of garden flowers. Some bring color while others are known for their aromas. Some are like cacti because they can survive contrary conditions. Some take a long time to develop and bloom but are long lasting.

A few friends are for all seasons but most are for a particular season. It is important to know the seasons of our relationships. And just as important is the ability to understand every friendship doesn’t endure forever. This doesn’t diminish the effectiveness, the contribution, or the value. I hear people say, “I used to be friends with him.” I refuse to think like that. Friendships are always alive, even if only in a certain timeframe, situation, or environment. We do not bury a relationship just because the season has changed. We appreciate and remember their blooms.

I am convinced friendships must have mutual benefit as the foundational element. Of course in every mutual relationship there are pluses and minuses, contributions and embarrassments, agreements and conflicts… but in the end the mutuality must be solidly built on the net good to all.

God created man for relationship with Himself. We see the mutuality in that God gives us His best, and in perfect communion, man returns his best to God. It is important to understand we don’t offer our best in order to gain favor, salvation, or ongoing fellowship. God so loved that He gave… His best is exactly that – His best. But we can respond in gratitude by offering everything that we can as a gift back to Him.

God wanted that communion so much that when it was broken, Christ came to restore it for man is precious to the Father.
It is important to understand that mutuality does not demand equality of contribution but the commitment in which each does his best for the other. We see this in friendships, in family, in business associations – and in the love of God in Christ.

This week carefully think about: 1) How do I chronicle my history of friendships? 2) What makes me a good friend? 3) Where do I need to improve my intentional development of mutual benefit?

Words of Wisdom: “I am convinced friendships must have mutual benefit as the foundational element.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced, my devotion will not be removed from you, nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,” says the LORD, the one who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10 NET Bible)

Doing Good

Weekly Thought – May 10, 2022

Fred enjoyed pulling friends together for conversation. In 1986 he invited a group together for three days of “totally informal good talking and good eating together” as he put it. There was no agenda, just time to consider life and ways for Christian service as businessmen.

Doing Good

A few weeks ago a group of friends met with Dick Halverson (then chaplain of the US Senate) to talk. As we did so, we thought about how often we have the opportunity of doing good. I remembered those words about Christ “He went about doing good.” His work wasn’t doing good – He came to bring the Gospel and give Himself as a sacrifice, but just in the everyday circumstances He did good.

Christ didn’t go about doing good when He was feeling good. Nor did He with just a good feeling. I get weary of two words I hear so often from ministry representatives “happy and excited.” Everybody thinks a Christian ought to be happy and how tired I get of hearing how excited they are about what God is doing. It is only in America that we have this hype.

Christ did not go about looking for the “highest good.” He just did the good that was at hand. It is easy to become immobilized looking for the highest good because we tend to ignore the small bits all around us. What is small? We cannot measure the quality or quantity of good.

One of my favorite examples is that of MacDonald, an unknown British theologian who wrote of the Christian faith to a relatively small audience. An agnostic professor in Oxford became a Christian and delivered a series of lectures on the BBC as an apologetic which then was published as Mere Christianity. Yes, C.S. Lewis. Tom Phillips, CEO of Raytheon Corporation read it and passed it on to Chuck Colson before he went to prison for improprieties during the Nixon administration. This resulted in Chuck’s conversion. When he left prison he didn’t return to his law firm, but formed Prison Fellowship. Good often has a long history. During the years we can’t tell what are the small parts and which are the large.

Christ went about doing good letting the circumstances set His agenda. I challenge myself each morning to see what’s around me and ask for the discernment to respond rightly. I don’t go out to be a “do-gooder,” but instead to see what is in front of me and do good.

This week carefully consider: 1) How well do I maximize opportunities to serve well? 2) What good can I do this week? 3) Where are the small bits of good which add up to changes in my life?

Words of Wisdom: “Christ did not go about looking for the highest good. He just did the good that was at hand.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9 NET Bible) * Fred’s Mother, Mrs. Bunyan Smith, repeated and lived these verses.

Forward Motion

Brenda’s Blog – May 3, 2022

“Do not back up – severe tire damage will result.”

These words appear on a sign at the exit to my community. The red metal prongs ominously poking up from the ground warn us to keep on moving. One day as I drove carefully over them I laughed to myself thinking how applicable the words are to life.

As we age the temptation to drive in reverse grows stronger. My Dad referred to this as joining the “usta club.” Too many engage in conversations leading with “I usta do this — I used to work there— I usta own that…”

“What is God doing right now? What is He teaching you?” Those questions introduced the small group exercise. “It must be current… no sharing something from years ago.” Why? It is easy to get stuck in life experiences and in spiritual growth, as well.

What happens when a car reverses over the spikes? Flat tires! What happens when we fail to move forward and insist on living in the past? Emotional flat tires.

How can we avoid the “usta club?” 1) Seeing each day as an opportunity to live out the work God gives us to do; 2) Engaging with younger people, hearing their stories, and encouraging their efforts; 3) Committing to stretch mentally, spiritually, and physically; 4) Keeping current on reading, travel, and social activities;5) Giving thanks day by day.

Memories are precious and important to health; but resisting new experiences hinders growth. Integrating our stories to help others is a blessing; focusing only on the past limits our contribution.

Forward progress is God’s plan for our lives – let’s stay involved, running the race well.

What is Compassion?

Weekly Thought – May 3, 2022

Fred recognized the need for a clear understanding of compassion. His reputation for clear thinking also acknowledged his proper use of healthy emotions. Ordinarily we excerpt writings on leadership, personal development, and business. These words on compassion will spur thought and conversation.

What is Compassion?

Compassion must be earned or else it becomes a substitute for grace, which it is not. To be compassionate toward immorality is to justify the immoral in all of us. Psychiatrists and psychologists who their goal of achieving a sense of being normal moves us away from the true goal of understanding redemption. It is critical for us to comprehend justification through sacrifice and grace. When we are told we are bigoted if we do not have compassion who do not deserve it results in intellectual dishonesty.

Unbridled compassion lets us accept the villain as long as he is personable, and so long as we are not his victim. The mobster Mickey Cohen was once asked by a youngster for his autograph. He inscribed it: “To Billy from a lonely old man.” He didn’t mention the fact that he deserved to be lonely and hardly deserved to be old.

We must not refuse to see there is a difference between a compassionate and a discerning heart.

Compassion is the realization of the havoc sin can bring, but not the excusing of the sinner. When we use our own sin to excuse every other sinner, then we are not bringing redemption at all. This is why it is so vital to accept forgiveness because it teaches us to grasp grace rather than sympathy.

In a very subtle way, sympathy becomes a revolt against authority, particularly scriptural authority. Oswald Chambers powerfully warns us about sympathizing with someone with whom God is dealing. He tells us to not get between God and that person. When we try to solve the problem, ease the pain, or make life better it makes God look unkind. We take sides against God.

The true function of compassion is to motivate us to lead the person to the source of healing – to God. I have been regarded as hard-hearted when I refused to bail someone out of a financial pit created by unwise decisions. What if I had short-circuited the lessons he was to learn? Generosity and compassion should be guided and instructed by wisdom and discernment.

This week think about: 1) How clear am I about the proper use of compassion? 2) When is it easier to be compassionate rather than dealing with the root causes and asking hard questions? 3) What do I need to do to deepen my understanding of Godly compassion?

Words of Wisdom: “Generosity and compassion should be guided and instructed by wisdom and discernment.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Indeed, if you call out for discernment – shout loudly for understanding.” (Proverbs 2:3 NET Bible)

Growing Older

Weekly Thought -April 26, 2022

Fred managed the aging process masterfully. He followed his own principle of growing older, but never old. He prepared well for the last years through planning and mental discipline. Even in his years of restriction he said, “I am not disabled; I am delightfully dependent.”

Growing Older

Joy is like the wine which Christ made from the contents of the water jugs – the best was saved for last.

Normally, people think the exuberance of youth creates the best years of life. They believe the poorer wine is reserved for old age, so they substitute the memories of youth for current experiences. Too many people are eating the crumbs of former feasts. They take the scraps from a years old big dinner, reheat them, and accept that as satisfactory.

The Christian life should reverse that philosophy. God works on an ascension scale – he moves us as He transforms us; He changes and enhances our spirit even as our body deteriorates. If we follow Christ we are moving from earth to heaven; from temporal to eternal. In our Christian life “the best is yet to be.”

Our prayer of thanksgiving as we age should be, “Thank you that thou has kept to best until now.” Finishing well is summed up by hearing “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joys of thy Lord.”

The Christian life has responsibilities and duties. Being profitable to the Master is our job description. At the end of this work is the participation in His joy. This should be the normal pattern for Christian living, not the exception. God wants us to be productive – it is part of the relationship we have with Him. We can use it as a measure of our life experiences.

At my age my friends are tempted to reheat and rehash stories of youthful successes. It is challenging to cancel our membership in the “usta club.” It is tiring to sit with formerly active, eager people and hear them endlessly retell tales of what they “usta do.” God’s plan is forward gear, accomplishing to the last day. He saves the best wine for the last – we must drink it with joy.

This week carefully consider: 1) How much joy am I displaying? 2) What are my future plans? 3) When do I feel God’s pleasure as I strive for “well done?”

Words of Wisdom: “They take the scrap from a years old big dinner, reheat them, and accept that as satisfactory.”

Wisdom from the Word: “He died at a good old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth, and honor. “ (1 Chronicles 29:28a NET Bible)

The Price of Leadership

Weekly Thought – April 19, 2022

Fred accumulated thoughts on maturity which he planned to form into a book. Although the manuscript did not go into print, the collection exists and contains valuable thoughts on growing wise. This week’s message is a short commentary on a challenge to those seeking leadership.

The Price of Leadership

Aloneness is chosen; loneliness is imposed. It can be imposed by responsibility… for example, an executive who is highly functioning can never really be “one of the boys.” (Of course this applies to women executives, as well – and is actually even more difficult).
It can be imposed by circumstances caused by a move to a new location without any social contacts. Or it can be imposed by others who choose not to associate with you, making you feel like an outcast. I read in China this isolation was one of the punishments to insure conformity.

The loneliness of leadership must be accepted as part of the price. As a young man at GENESCO after given executive responsibilities, the CEO asked me, “Fred, how far do you want to go?” “Mr. Jarman, I want to go as far as I can.” He responded, “Then learn to live with loneliness.”

I used this example in a speech to an Ohio Presidents Organization meeting. Afterwards the President of a large architectural wanted to talk. “You have just explained my biggest management problem. I hate being lonely, so I talk too much to my people. I tell them everything so I won’t feel alone in all the decisions I make.”

This can be disastrous. Any changes he discusses with his firm will either be supported or stopped, depending on who has what to gain. In abdicating his leadership to create a comfortable environment he opened the door for poor decisions. He sacrificed the power to control his strategy. Talking over his potential decisions is valuable if and only if he chooses the right person and assesses his motivation. Leaders ultimately come to a crossroad and must make the final call… it isn’t a group activity.

This week think about: 1) How well do I handle loneliness? 2) What hinders my personal leadership development? 3) Who models healthy decision making for me?

Words of Wisdom: “Loneliness of leadership must be accepted as part of the price.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you! Don’t be frightened, for I am your God! I strengthen you— yes, I help you— yes, I uphold you with my victorious right hand!” (Isaiah 41: 10 Net Bible)

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