Excellence in Relations

Weekly Thought – November 12, 2019

Fred benefited from dear, close friends. At the end of his life during a hospital stay he spent a morning saying goodbye to many. The precious nature of these conversations demonstrated the depth of lifelong friendships.

As the year closes, your financial support is greatly appreciated.

Excellence in Relations

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. Healthy relationships return them, as well. Without mutuality no relationship remains healthy. Exchange is a good word for this. When one does all the giving, and the other is the total receiver, the relationship isn’t good, and probably will not last long term.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone say only mutual relations last I thought it was cynical. But as I have watched over the years I know all parties must get something valuable or the association eventually withers and dies. To ensure longevity each one must work to provide and receive value. I believe it is critical for each one want the other to receive a little more. That creates a healthy dynamic.

A strong relationship has a benefits balance and the true spirit of mutuality.

It is important to avoid looking for a formula. A relationship is much more. A current phrase puts it this way: “Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship.” For example, when the Philippian jailer asked, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul didn’t give him a formula or a set of rules… he outlined a relationship: “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.”

Relations must be planned, and maintained. Like flowers in a beautiful garden they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically. Each flower must be well related to another.

Environments matter. Some relations, like flowers, only flourish in particular soils, or for certain seasons. Some are single purpose like flowers which may be colorful but have little or no aroma.

We must know the seasons of our relationships. Enjoying them fully during their peak and not expecting to bloom out of time creates harmony and health. Great memories keep them alive. Appreciation and gratitude are necessary for excellent relations.

This week think about: 1) How am I doing as a nurturer? 2) What can I do to increase the quality of my relations? 3) Who can I encourage this week?

Words of Wisdom: “Relationships are mutual.”

Wisdom from the Word: “‘Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced, my devotion will not be removed from you, nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,’ says the Lord, the one who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10 NET Bible)

Out and About With Fred

Weekly Thought – November 5, 2019

Fred lived with eyes wide open. Every experience fell into a mental file, easily accessible for future application. In a binder he accumulated what he titled “Stories.” This week’s blog gives two excellent examples of Fred’s ability to collect – and then use for the benefit of others.

Thank you for supporting the legacy work of Fred Smith, Sr. Your messages and Facebook shares are encouraging and invigorating.

Out and About With Fred

Well Done Service

I was speaking at a civic meeting in Kingston, New York. My host was scheduled to pick me up, even in the cold, inclimate February weather. A young man appeared who immediately told me he was driving me because he was concerned my host, who was older, would be nervous about the bad roads. As we rode, I found out this young man drove a delivery truck and worked in a warehouse for a local firm.

He was one of the most committed people I had met – committed to service. As we drove, he pulled into a rest stop saying, “You might find a cup of coffee or a restroom among the more pleasant things of life.”

After the meeting I found someone had taken my overcoat – a dire necessity in the cold New York weather. My driver immediately thought about an elderly man whose memory was not quite as sharp as it had been. He drove me to the hotel, tracked down my overcoat, returned to the hotel with it, and handed me a card with his home phone and the number of the closest local hospital. In our conversation he heard me say I had been having gallstone pains. He then told me I could call him any time day or night and he would be happy to come get me.

As he left he asked if he could attend the breakfast the next morning because “I just want to listen.” Afterwards he made a quick exit to his truck, bringing me an envelope which he handed me. “It’s Valentine’s Day. I know you are traveling and was afraid you might have forgotten to get a card for your wife.” It was one of those gaudy, gushy valentines which I would have never picked out, but I was proud to give Mary Alice via the man who was totally committed to service – a man with a noble spirit for whatever task, however menial.

Well Done Commitment

Eating in a country café in Grand Saline, TX I noticed a forty-ish couple sitting behind me. They looked like “salt of the earth” people. Of course, Grand Saline is the salt capital as the home of Morton Salt production! When he got up to pay the bill he came back, stood a minute, and then reached lifting her from the booth. Her arms went around his neck. He backed out the café door, putting her into his pickup parked right outside the door. I saw she was wrapped in a full body brace and unable to stand. As we all watched wordlessly, the waitress commented, “He took his vows seriously, didn’t he?”

This week carefully consider: 1) How well do I notice people and experiences around me? 2) What way can I apply these life lessons? 3) Who models this skill in my daily life?

Words of Wisdom: “A man with a noble spirit for whatever task, however menial.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I know your deeds: your love, faith, service, and steadfast endurance.” (Revelation 2:19a NET Bible)

Scattershooting with the Sage

Weekly Thought – October 29, 2019

Fred often remarked about his one liner style as an outgrowth of sending telegrams. He learned to say the most in the least number of words. He tweeted long before the technology ever developed! He was well-known for his punchy wisdom bites.

Please pray for the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute team as they travel to West Palm Beach, Florida to engage students in the “What’s Next Roundtable.” Your prayer and financial support is greatly appreciated.

Scattershooting with the Sage

1. I can tell a great deal about you from: the recurring subjects in your conversation, the time allocation on your calendar, and how you spend your money.
2. A good conversation should unwrap an idea like a gift package: slowly, mysteriously, and interestingly.
3. We find that most people are logical if we know the base (premise) from which they operate.
4. A job well done is its own reward.
5. Blessing is not a synonym for success.
6. Earl Palmer has on his desk a hand-sculpted sign: “It’s never easy.”
7. I’m not for the old times because I like these times when you have a bedroom and a bath, not a shared bedroom and a path. (Note: Fred remembered the hollyhock lined way to the outhouse!)
8. Opportunity is not mandate.
9. Humility is not denying the power you have but admitting that the power comes through you and not from you.
10. A man does not grow old, but becomes old by not growing.
11. Service is the rent we pay for the space we occupy in life.
12. No matter what age you are, you only have now… that is all you’ve ever had or ever will have, so at any age you have as much as you’ve ever had.
13. God does provide food for the birds of the air, but He doesn’t put the food in their nests.
14. One of our spiritual mistakes is giving God a timetable.
15. One of the greatest Christian rationales for greed is “The Lord blessed me.”

This week think about: 1) Which one liner can be applied right away? 2) ) Which one liner can be applied right away? 3) What am I doing to develop my thinking?

Words of Wisdom: “Opportunity is not mandate.”

Wisdom from the Word: “God gave Solomon wisdom and very great discernment; the breadth of his understanding was as infinite as the sand on the seashore.” (1 Kings 4:29 NET Bible)

Asking About Ethics

Weekly Thought – October 22, 2019

Fred’s ability to ask probing questions enabled him to effectively mentor others. He also used this technique to measure his own progress. Strength of character was his hallmark. When he assessed others as business associates, integrity was the first consideration. Someone asked him how he knew he still had self-respect. “When I wake up in the middle of the night and try to talk to the little boy who lives inside who knows right and wrong, black and white, and he tells me to get lost, I know I have lost my self-respect. When he and I have a good conversation and he says, ‘You’re doing fine’ I can go back to sleep.”

Asking About Ethics

My only reason to speak is to change attitudes and behavior, both those of the audience and mine. One of the questions I like to ask is: “What is the strength of your ethics?” Let me give four questions:

1) Are you using a scriptural or a secular base? God’s law or man’s law? J.C. Penney said, “I shall not be judged by the Heavenly Father according to what I do now, by the material success I achieve. I shall be judged by the honesty of my purpose and by the spirit with which I pursue life’s duties.” He saw work as worship; he had a scriptural base.

2) Do our ethics promote our self-respect? Solzhenitsyn heard that the Dean of Canterbury was friendly to communism. He responded when he heard the man had commented “Better Red than dead,” “Better dead than a scoundrel.”

3) Does our ethical base emphasize our responsibilities or our rights? I have noticed that any individual, organization or society that emphasizes its rights is constantly in conflict with others. Responsibilities have a way of overlapping and forming a bond; rights always clash together. Those who emphasize their rights eventually become paranoid which grows into an unrealistic level of conflict. Oftentimes, their philosophy turns into “the end justifies the means.” This is immoral and cannot coexist with moral ethics.

4) What is the effect of your ethical base on the development of your character? In a conversation with a middle-aged executive I learned his fast progress up the ladder left him uneasy and dissatisfied. “Fred, I’m really not happy with who I am becoming. I’m not a better husband, a better father, a better citizen, or even a better person. I’m successful, but I’ve become phony.” Character is an inside job, and it is largely determined by the succession of choices, desires, habits, and beliefs we inculcate and personify.

Let me ask you three serious questions to contemplate: 1) Am I happy with who I am becoming? 2) Are my ethics on a firm foundation? 3 Will my anchor of ethics hold in the tempest of temptation?

Making sure of ethical mile markers is an exercise before engaging in any enterprise. Waiting until the action has begun is too late. The lines must be drawn way before day one.

This week think about: 1) How clear are my ethical standards to myself, my family, and my workplace? 2) Where are my soft spots? 3) Who serves as an accountability partner for me?

Words of Wisdom: Emphasizing responsibilities creates a bond; demanding rights separates.

Wisdom from the Word: “Yes, your servant finds moral guidance there; those who obey them receive a rich reward.” (Psalm 19:11 NET Bible)

Ministry of Ushering

Weekly Thought – October 15, 2019

Fred thoroughly enjoyed being a substitute teacher at the Elliott Class (Highland Park Presbyterian Church, Dallas). His influence in that class continues even years after his death. He dedicated himself to preparation for these lessons. And time the class members commented on the way he stretched them.

Ministry of Ushering

The President of this class also serves as the Head Usher. In a recent time together I asked him, “What does it take to be a good usher?” “The first thing is you’ve got to love Jesus Christ with all your heart… so much so that it comes through in your enthusiasm and warmth.”

I have to admit, that wasn’t one of the first things I thought about. In fact, in my own upbringing I surmised there was a bidding system for the center aisle on Sunday mornings which usually went to people who sold insurance or cars and wanted to give themselves an honest name. I thought you had to have a dark suit, and a lapel wide enough for the carnation, too. In fact, I figured those who didn’t really want to be in the work of the church volunteered for church work. And I must confess, in my experience, it gave the advantage of stepping out for a smoke between passing the plate and sitting down. His quick response certainly brought me up short.

Then in typical Smith fashion I started thinking about the potential in the ministry of ushering. It is an exercise of the gift of hospitality. And there are others, as well, which relate to the functions of the church.

1) Many come to the church as if it were a hospital. They might be dressed in designer outfits and not hospital gowns, but they hurt just the same. Who is in a better position to recognize the hurting than the first contact?

2) Some come through the doors who are spiritual lost, without a relationship with God through Jesus. They have not had a new birth experience. Others are believers but are still lost, having wandered off from the Shepherd.

3) Most attending formal services want a reverent atmosphere. Even though I have friends who claim to worship more fully on the golf course or in a boat on the lake, many still find a sense of communing with God in a corporate environment… a “time and place” format for worship. The mode of physical gathering changes, but the idea of bringing honor and glory to God doesn’t. The idea of reverential awe still exists and the ushers are the very first ones to set the tone.

My friend’s comment about warmth and enthusiasm emanating from a love of Jesus Christ is truly the bedrock. The ushers are the very first handshake, greeting, and contact. They serve well as ministers of grace and hospitality.

This week think about: 1) How often do I consider the ministry of my church ushers? 2) What spurs me to notice those who need a friendly word? 3) Who sets an example in my church and how can I express appreciation?

Words of Wisdom: “Ushering is an exercise in the gift of hospitality.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Contribute to the needs of the saints, pursue hospitality.” (Romans 12:13 NET Bible)

Confrontation is a Responsibility

Weekly Thought – October 8, 2019

Fred believed in maturity. Despite his reputation, Fred did not relish confrontation, but he knew it was part of growth. In typical Fred fashion, he did a great deal of thinking on the subject. This excerpt from musings and notes highlights his process.

Please pray as BWFLI continues deepening relationships with students, faculty, and administrators. Watching them navigate the challenges with faith excites us. Recent articles trumpeting the lack of faith, decline in belief, and evaporation of hope emphasize the importance of the relationship between Christian laymen and the schools.

Confrontation is a Responsibility

Control of confrontation is important. Too often it is seen as a loaded gun open on the desk. That is a faulty way of thinking – and using – it.

It is a very purposeful tool, and I like to think of two basic types:

1) In a work environment between employer and employee

2) In a personal environment between friends or family

In the first one, you deal primarily with the facts of the case. It usually includes “this is the failure – here is why it is unacceptable.” Creating a strategy to rectify the situation is part of the outcome. It is a formal process.

The second involves feelings, motivations, and deep sources that require careful handling.

Confrontation requires a correct environment. It is very important the other person hears what you are saying. And not only what you’re saying, but why you are saying it. For that you have to go below the surface by asking questions.

In the personal confrontation I have found taking a “third party persona” works well. For example, I tell the story of somebody else who had a similar problem. I may not even mention the offense in the story. As it unfolds it is not unusual for the person to say, “You know, that is pretty close to my situation.” The opening up of the problematic situation permits the conversation to move ahead. I know the parallel in the stories but I do not create a scenario that manipulates the situation. And I am careful to never confront anybody with anything that they can’t change.

In confrontation it is not necessary to take the position that it is the immovable hitting the unstoppable. I like to think sometimes it is like running along and jumping on like you would a San Francisco trolley car. But you have to have the right environment for this to happen.

1) You have to have the right motive. Itching for a fight is not the way. It is always to enable the other person to grow, never to humiliate them. Accomplishment is the goal.

2) You have to have the right modus operandi (MO). I am careful about confronting anyone in business or the family before others. Correction is private. These conversations need to be respectful, even in the most difficult circumstances.

3) You have to have the right follow-up. Many times the right follow-up is no follow-up. I don’t want the person to give me blame or credit for the steps taken afterward.

This week think about: 1) How careful am I about confrontation? 2) Who models this skill well? 3) What situation am I facing right now?

Words of Wisdom: “In confrontation it is not necessary to take the position that it is the immovable hitting the unstoppable.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The one who refuses correction despises himself, but whoever hears reproof acquires understanding.” (Proverbs 15:32 NET Bible)

A Leash for Anger

Weekly Thought – October 1, 2019

Fred admitted an intentional effort to handle anger. He spoke of bridling bad temper and diverting the energy into a positive, productive direction. He helped many honestly confront their struggles.

Fred’s son and namesake has a new book titled Where The Light Divides. This “collection of essays on the life of faith” allows the reader to glimpse life through his eyes. It is now available on Amazon.com

Thank you for praying as the work continues. Please lift up our Christian colleges and universities. They stand strong in the midst of cultural disturbances and turmoil.

A Leash for Anger

I say a leash for I don’t believe it is possible to live without anger. Anger is a cat which far exceeds its nine lives. It can only be controlled. Just the presence of human beings assumes the reality of anger.

Anger can be dangerous when we begin thinking “two wrongs make a right.” Slipping into the thought that we can get even is foolishness. It is easy to recognize a “mad” in ourselves and others when ideas of retribution arise. Our litany of bad wishes even draws God into the mix by wishing lightning would strike!

I believe there are two emotions we label anger: 1) mad and 2) righteous indignation. The difference is crucial. The spirit which generates the emotion differs. Mad is self-centered and comes from the loss of personal power and the inability to force our will. Righteous indignation is being angry with what makes God angry. The desired outcome of one is retaliation; the other is willingness to stand even to martyrdom for the glory and honor of God.

“Mad” results from personal demeaning. For example, when someone insults, insults, assumes, or spites us. We want to fire back to defend and protect ourselves. It is all about our own ego. We seek to avenge the disdain. As Christians we know this is sin. “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” But it is often hard to wait for Him. And what if He forgives and expects that from us? What if I deserved what I am getting? The more I dwell on it, the deeper I fall into the desire for revenge and “getting them back.”

Scripture tells us to “not let the sun go down on our anger.” This makes great sense. My friends at Mayo Clinic tell me anger churns up acid. Many stomach ailments occur with persistent anger. God gave us a remedy. We are to purge it before we sleep and not let it settle into the value structure of our subconscious. This way we start each new day with our souls fresh. The rancor of yesterday has not festered overnight.

I must always be the one to take the offensive in settling the matter. I must remember Christ died for the other person, as He did for me. I must maintain the spirit of forgiveness. A leash on anger is a worthy goal and an excellent exercise in spiritual maturity.

This week think about: 1) How do I handle my anger? 2) What sets me off? 3) When do I find myself getting angry?

Words of Wisdom: “We are to purge it before we sleep and not let it settle into the value structure of our subconscious.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on the cause of your anger.” (Ephesians 4:26 NET Bible)

Learning from Others

Weekly Thought – September 24, 2019

Fred thought… and thought… and thought. And as he thought he scribbled down notes (thousands are still extant in daughter Brenda’s garage files.) He fed on the writings of those who deeply considered life.

Thank you for the ongoing support of BWF and BWFLI. Each week messages arrive applying Fred’s wisdom. How strengthening it is to hear from you all.

Learning from Others

I enjoy contemplation. It is a solo experience between God and me. Often it occurs in the wee hours of the morning when I come face to face with myself. Some of these sessions go well – others leave me in agreement with God I have been shortcutting.

I also enjoy meditation. The distinction for me is that I see this as a guided study using the help of others who have walked closely and faithfully with God. I look at their writings to find principles which enhance my appreciation of the spiritual experience.

Let me share just a few examples of those who help me drive my spiritual roots down deeper where the drought cannot wither, unlike grass with shallow roots which die in the heat. I can honestly tell you they help me withstand the pressure of external circumstances.

1) Augustine – “Love God and do what you will.” The freedom of obedience. My friend Steve Brown keeps the message of liberty in Christ before me.

2) Francis of Assisi- “It is not so important that I be loved as that I love.” Jesus said we would be known by our love not of ourselves, but of one another.

3) Chambers – “Sit loose to things.” At this age I can look back on sudden losses which would bring devastation without this principle as foundational. Things should never define our lives. Chambers also imprinted another: “God isn’t interested in my success, He is interested in my maturity.”

4) Kelley – “Develop a quiet center in your life.” There must be a place where storms do not hit. We must have a gyroscopic center from which the other instruments get their orientation.

5) Tozer – “My flame may be small, but it is real.” Spiritual growth starts with reality.

6) Brother Lawrence – “Dishwashing is just as sacred as prayer.” He emphasized to me the “practice of the presence of God.”

The joy of contemplation is a necessary part of internal strength. The mutuality of meditation allows me to walk with the old saints. When I add these two elements to prayer, scripture, and fellowship I build a healthy system for a life of devotion.

This week think about: 1) How do I define a devotional life?2) Who have been my meditational teachers? 3) Which of these principles strikes home?

Words of Wisdom: “There must be a place where storms do not hit.”

Wisdom from the Word: “We proclaim him by instructing and teaching all people with all wisdom so that we may present every person mature in Christ.” (Colossians 1:28 NET Bible)

Listing Assets

Weekly Thought – September 17, 2019

Fred’s capacity for gratitude was well known among his friends and family. He believed in the power of appreciation. And he sincerely believed he had nothing that he had not been given by God. He saw himself as a steward and managed well.

Work continues on the What’s Next Roundtable at Palm Beach Atlantic University in November. Financial support is needed and would be received with genuine gratitude. The men and women who are preparing for this event eagerly expect to see what God has in mind for them and the students.

Listing Assets

A well-known woman of international fame called me one day and said soberly, “Fred, I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer.” My immediate response, “List your assets.” When people come to me wanting to talk about their problems this is the exercise I recommend.

Invariably, they start with their financial resources. They rarely think of their spiritual assets at first. For example, a troubled man walked into my office. I asked him to list his assets. “Well, I have a bank account, but there isn’t much in it. I have a little equity in my home.” After a few items like this, I said, “Let’s stop and go back a little bit. Are you alive?”

“Well, yes…” “Good, you look that way to me and some people, especially those in the ICUs and the terminally ill think of that as a strong asset.” I continued, “You’re healthy?” “Yeah.” “You have a loving wife and a good family?” “Yes.”

As we sat there I queried “Do you have an education?” “Of course.” “How about work experience?” “Yes.”

“Okay, now that we have established the major assets, we can look at the minor ones like money.”

When I sit with someone and see a breakthrough in a session like this I know we have a gratitude foundation from which to operate. We can start attacking their problems with a different perspective. If they answer the first questions with a “yes, but…” I know my job isn’t finished yet. They still haven’t grasped the power of gratitude. They are still not grateful.

They are still wanting something more. Gratitude is being grateful for what you have, not for what you hope to get. I was reading in the Psalms and it said to honor God for what He has done. It doesn’t say honor Him for what He is going to do. Gratitude, like honor, is a reaction to what is, not what you want to come.

In my reading I found a study saying gratitude is the emotion with the longest shelf life… that those with a grateful spirit are prone to better mental health. The old hymnist never read this study, but certainly expressed in the words, “Count your blessings, name them one by one… count your blessings, see what God has done.”

Being truly grateful is more than just a courteous “thank you.” Nurturing a mature attitude which demonstrates appreciation is a healthy exercise.

This week think about: 1) How healthy is my grateful spirit? 2) Who needs to hear from me with a message of appreciation? 3) What can I do to cultivate a culture of gratitude at work, in my family?

Words of Wisdom: “Gratitude, like honor, is a reaction to what is, not what you want to come.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The LORD strengthens and protects me; I trust in him with all my heart. I am rescued and my heart is full of joy; I will sing to him in gratitude.” (Psalm 28:7 NET Bible)

Permitting Success

Weekly Thought – September 10, 2019

Fred fielded the question “how do you define success” often. He surprised many when he did not limit it to financial accumulation. He challenged the questioner to look at the full range. And he pushed them to expand their own expectations. One of his favorite definitions: “The measurement of success is simply the ratio of talents used to talents received.”

Please pray for our Christian colleges and universities. In these opening days of the new semester many are welcoming new Presidents, new students, and new campus themes. They need our prayers. If you would like to pray monthly for them sign up for the Prayer Network email which leads in prayer requests and a Biblical exhortation.

Permitting Success

Giving permission to others to succeed is more than encouragement. I believe only a person in authority can give convincing permission. Encouragement can come from a wide group of sources; permission to succeed comes from an authority figure – parent, boss, pastor, mentor, for example. Such permission dispels doubt and gives assurance.

Many years ago I spoke at Baylor University and met a young woman with unusual character and ability. Toward the end of my stay I told her, “I believe you can do almost anything you want to do.” She became a missionary.

Thirty years later she called me. “I’m back in the States,” she said, “and I want you to know when the going really got rough in Japan, I would say to myself, “I know there’s a fat businessman back in the States who believes in me.” She continued, “that sustained me many times – just hearing your belief.”

All I had said was one simple sentence. The difference is that it was more than encouragement because she saw me as a business leader, an authority figure. She accepted my words as permission to succeed.

Experiences like this have taught me it’s not only a leader’s privilege, but also a responsibility, to give others permission to succeed. According to experts, a manager’s number one responsibility is to establish a vision for the organization. One of the ways you establish the vision is to give people a belief in what they can do.

What is the alternative? If you don’t give people permission to succeed you draw artificial boundaries for them. In effect you are saying, “I am building a fence around your abilities – and you cannot go farther than these limits.” PBS recently featured a documentary on children who grow up in negative environments with constant verbal abuse. Most of them grow up to live mediocre, even criminal, lives.

As a leader it is my great opportunity to say, “You have permission to succeed, provided you succeed correctly, by using the right principles in the right way in the right time.” Recognizing talents and gifts in people before they do is one of the great thrills of leadership. Giving them permission to develop them is the responsibility of leadership.

After a focus week on a Christian campus, a student came up to me. In a quiet voice she said, “You spoke life to me. Thank you.” I may never know the direction of her life, but I am grateful for the privilege of lighting a spark.
Give others the permission to succeed. You never know when you may be unlocking the door.

This week think about: 1) Who gave me permission to succeed? 2) How can I lead with this mindset? 3) What will it take to make this part of my organization’s culture?

Words of Wisdom: “The measurement of success is the ratio of talents used to talents received.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Saul replied to David, ‘May you be rewarded, my son David! You will without question be successful!’ So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.” (1 Samuel 26:25 NET Bible)

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