“Oh, excuse me – may I ask just one more thing?”

Peter Falk, as TV detective Columbo, was famous for his casual turn around as he left the room before asking the key question. His nonchalant attitude took the suspect off guard and usually triggered a most revealing response.

My Dad was a master at asking questions. He was able to unpeel business, faith, financial, and relationship onions by moving from one query to another – never offering advice. In his later years I asked him about this strength. “How do you open conversations with people?” “You ask them a question they want to answer.” Thinking there would be a simple follow-up I asked, “How do you know what that is?” “You just do.” This exchange taught me something critical about the process: there is an art and a science to questioning.

My friend Bob Tiede collects excellent, effective questions – and those who ask them. His blog www.leadingwithquestions.com features outstanding writers and recommendations for asking powerful questions. Each post points out the necessity for putting this skill into your toolbox.

Listening is a critical leadership element. What is the best way to create a listening environment? Asking questions. My Mom accompanied my Dad to many business dinners, often seated next to the host or another high-powered executive. On one occasion the host apologized to my Dad saying, “I am so sorry for placing Mary Alice next to Mr. X. He is a tough nut and he will make her miserable.” “No, you watch tonight and see what happens.” Soon, my Mom and this man were engaged in conversation. The host was stunned. “How did she do that?” “She asked him questions about himself and she truly was interested in the answers.”

What is your favorite ice-breaking question? What is your favorite family question? What is your favorite decision-making question? What is your favorite self-evaluation question?

As we learn the art and science of questioning, we will develop our increase our effectiveness in business, church, community, and relationships. And I leave you with two of my favorites: When do you feel most alive? When do you feel God’s pleasure?

Brenda’s Blog – February 24, 2015

“Thank you for loving us and being so kind to us.”

Thirty-six hours later my 94 year old friend unexpectedly died. Those were the last words I heard from him.

Have you ever considered your final expression? Would you want it to be an affirmation of your faith? How about a message of love to your family?

Jack didn’t have time to craft final words for he fell into unconsciousness never waking up until he opened his eyes seeing the face of Jesus. He lived with words of blessing on his lips. He lived prepared.

What would a lifestyle of readiness look like? Would our relationships benefit from more “I love you” and less “I told you so.”

Years ago an older woman came by my house. Noticing the unfolded laundry on the dining room table, the dishes in the sink, and the toddlers wanting my attention, she offered this advice: “Always leave your house dying ready.” “What?” “If you were to leave the house like this and not make it back, all the sweet church ladies would come in. They would offer condolences adding, “Bless her heart – she tried her best but her house was certainly a mess.” I appreciated her words, but at that point a helping hand with the children would have been much more helpful!

I cannot say my house is always dying ready, but I think about it every time I walk out the door.

Perhaps our relationships should be dying ready. As we leave each other, words of encouragement should be the last ones they hear. At my age, many of my friends enjoy marriages of 50 and 60 years. One of the common denominators is the “say I love you when we leave” rule. The heart is softened when these words cross the lips.

Speaking life and blessing to one another demonstrates the life of Christ. Being ready for our last words to be strengtheners emanates from the Spirit. Creating a community of encouragement flows from our Father God. What a privilege!

Brenda’s Blog – February 10, 2015

“My entire life is ‘have to.’”

Steve Martin’s woeful response in Parenthood struck a chord with me. For the last few years I have worked on a discipline: changing my language replacing have-to with get-to. It is so easy to slip into the habit of thinking life falls into have-to categories: I have to get to church; I have to pick up the grandkids; I have to eat dinner. Funny, I don’t think I ever say, “I have to eat some chocolate!”

When I realized how negative this sounded to myself and to others, I began the exercise of translating my language to match my heart’s feeling. I love to go to church; I adore picking up the grandkids; and nobody likes dinner more than I do. So how did I fall into such a sloppy pattern?

I think I gave into the “oh, how busy I am” lifestyle. I immersed myself in the multitasking style. When that happens, good things become duties. How sad!

Then I stepped back and looked at the privilege of being a part of others’ lives. I looked at the joy of participating in my life. So, I shook my finger at myself and did some self talk arriving at this conclusion: “Life is a precious privilege and I am thankful for all I get to do.”

Beverly Sills, the world-renown operatic soprano, was once at a pre-concert cocktail party. She prepared to leave saying, “I have to go sing at the Met so I will leave you all.” Then she stopped almost mid-sentence correcting herself. “NO, I GET to sing at the Met.” Big difference, isn’t it?

As leaders of families, ministries, companies, and communities, we often make to-do lists that devolve into have-to lists. We must continually train our minds and hearts to know these are opportunities granted to us as blessings.

I want to be a get-to person, don’t you?

Brenda’s Blog – January 27, 2015

“God is a really good painter.”

My four year old grandson stared out the window at the redness. The Christmas Eve sky excited us. Will’s spontaneous response spoke for all.

That moment taught me much about recognizing the beauties of our God. How good it would be to stop and acknowledge His nature. Think of the times when He is kind beyond measure. Or, the days when His faithfulness defies description.
Life is enriched by stopping to say thanks. Seeing His hand in our daily activity makes Him so much more real. We pray for His presence yet ignore His day by day activity. What if we practiced the awareness of His touch? What if we paused to express awe?

Life’s details blur into a mish-mash of prioritized to do lists. The junk prevents us from seeing the sweetnesses He gives us.

Years ago I planted wild flowers which quickly became lunch for my neighborhood’s deer population. Thinking the money was wasted and the effort fruitless, I put it out of my mind. In the spring a few (very few) purple blooms appeared. I grew so accustomed to the yard filled with leaves, pine needles, and dirt I almost missed the wee blossoms. I intentionally stopped one day, stooped down, and spoke words of appreciation for those which made it through deer season and the cold winter. I saw them.

Each day God blooms in our world, demonstrating His qualities. How good it would be to stop and purposefully thank Him. A heart of gratitude for a great God enlarges our capacity for thankfulness. Practicing the “God sighting” game gives a lilt to life that is impossible to duplicate.

Brenda’s Blog – January 13, 2015

“I don’t want to call in the next defensive play.”

These words spoken by the football great Lou Holtz point out the principle: winning doesn’t come through playing catch up.

Years ago I heard the illustration of being a thermometer versus thermostat. One records the current temperature; the other determines the temperature. One plays defense while the other is offense. At the risk of using the entire year’s quota of clichés, one more comparison: reaction versus action. When we consistently wait to respond, we lose the ability to change the game.

New Year’s resolutions too often are merely the reworking of last year’s regrets. “I want to lose weight” is another way of saying, “I gained way too much last year.” “I want to be a nicer, more generous person” restates the dismay of being hard-hearted and close-handed.

Lest I sound like “I am the captain of my fate,” I must say I believe in the sovereign control of our triune God. The book of James warns us against saying, “Tomorrow I will here and I will do that.” He adds, “We must cover each plan with “As the Lord wills.” His complete control does not excuse me from strategic thought and planning. Stepping out in faith with boldness, reverence, and anticipation honors our God.

2015 is already established in the heart of God. As it unfolds in real time, it gives us the grand opportunity to be His thermostat… to be one who sets the tone, the temperature, and the tempo. We can focus on the plays which move the ball up the field. Our emphasis can be to advance our God-ordained plans for His honor and glory.

Brenda’s Blog – December 30, 2014

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a slight problem and will be leaving soon… Ladies and Gentlemen, there is an additional problem so the maintenance crew will be coming out to check… Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be returning to the gate for repairs… Ladies and Gentlemen, the maintenance department will be coming with the required paperwork and we will depart for Dallas/Fort Worth shortly.”

The running narrative represented a series of “few minutes” until we had been squooshed into a full flight for nearly two hours before takeoff. I am a road warrior, loving my time in the car with all the freedom, space, and independence afforded by my own wheels. Here I was leaning into the window as the heavy set gentlemen next to me snuggled into my side and slept soundly.

All on a Thanksgiving Day morning! Clearly, I had a choice: grumpiness or gratitude. I would like to say I immediately shifted into grateful heart mode, but momentarily I tried on the grumpy face to see how it felt.

Then I remembered a man who spent years imprisoned, impoverished, and isolated who taught us the only true freedom is the control of our attitude. Viktor Frankl came back, as did my Dad’s love of his philosophy. I looked at the man in the seat next to me trying to get to Tucson to watch his son play in a college football game and acknowledged the power of parental love. I looked at the two basketball teams on the plane and thought of those young men who would assume leadership positions in our world someday. I silently thanked the woman in the seat in front for not reclining into my already cage-like space.

Instead of a run of the mill flight, I experienced the opportunity to practice appreciation. I even mentally thanked the FAA for having regulations which prevent planes from flying with non-working pumps!

Dad said, “Never lose the good of a bad experience.” The Bible says, “In all things give thanks.” Gratitude is the pathway to a joyful life.

Brenda’s Blog – December 16, 2014

“You take a shaker and sprinkle salt on the rabbit’s tail… that is the way you catch them.”

First came the incredulous expression, then the laughter as we listened to our friend’s story of her childhood. “Mom would send us to the top of a steep hill where the rabbits lived, dragging a large box which took two of us to carry. Then she gave us salt shakers.”

“Did you ever catch a rabbit?” “No, but this is what we did year after year.”

Apparently, the salt had some magical quality and slowed the rabbit down enough for them to capture the four legged hopper in the box.

Funny, eh? But then I started thinking about traditions which continue through families, churches, and businesses. “That’s the way we have always done it” never goes away, does it? A committee recommends changing the color of the church carpeting and some would think a divine edict had crashed into pieces on the somehow sacrosanct floor.

“Sacred Cows Make the Best Hamburger” is the somewhat irreverent title of a book which challenges us to look status quo in the face. Do we accept things as they are just because they are? Do we go rabbit hunting with salt shakers because we always have?

Tradition is important. In fact, I think we are trashing too much of our national history, but we must constantly search for the context. Was there a reason for the activity? Is this still valid? Would another practice be more appropriate and effective?

Remember the old story about the holiday ham? Susie asks her mother Nancy why they cut off the ends of the meat before putting it in the pan. “That is the way you do it,” responded Nancy. Now curious, Nancy asks her Mom, Mary who answers with the same reasoning. Grandmother Marie is then asked why the family bakes a ham this way.” My pan was too short, so I had to cut it to fit.”

We all have our salt shakers. We all follow patterns without question. Some of them give us warm memories of childhood memories. Some of them just become habitual and need shaking up.

The next time you see a floppy eared, cotton-tailed critter hopping through your yard, grab your Morton’s and go for it!

Brenda’s Blog – December 2, 2014

“What if I take off the mask and there is no one there?”

As I told my friend about Steve Brown’s teaching on masks at The Cove in North Carolina, he paused and asked this poignant question. His expression mirrored the thoughts we may all have.

We wear masks of gentility, civility, humility, and spirituality. We don coverings for our fears, our difficult emotions, and our inability to cope. We walk around appearing to live well and prosper even when we are struggling for breath. “Don’t let them see you sweat” is mask language as is “fake it ‘til you make it.”

However, we are not called to be self-ordained mask rippers. We are not given the task of demasking others in the name of transparency. We have a big enough job just removing our own without creating havoc and chaos.

Interestingly enough, when we are given the armor of God, a mask to cover and protect our face is not issued. We are to cover our head, protecting our thoughts with the power of salvation; a chestplate which guards our heart with His righteousness; a belt which tells us the truth and keeps our pants from falling down; shoes which prepare us to walk in peace; a shield which is formed in community to stand against the fiery darts, and then the sword of the spirit which is the word of God putting us on the offense. NO FACE MASK.

Even though we may dread taking off the false front, we can find freedom in our relationships, our career, our community service, and certainly in our worship lives. The Bible tells us we will one day see Him as He is. The joy of the Christian faith is that with His help we can step out showing who we are.

My friend worries that no one is behind the carefully crafted mask. I bet he would be surprised and relieved. After all, those masks get heavy and they probably cause wrinkles as they drag us down!

Brenda’s Blog – November 18, 2014

The flashing roadside sign caught my attention. The rural route I chose gave me relief from the 18 wheelers and the non-stop interstate. The small towns on the “blue roads” still fascinate me. I think about the remote houses and the reasons they live there – the consolidated school districts which put children on buses for long rides outside their communities – the multitude of church steeples representing a variety of denominations and worship preferences. Mile after mile is the way to see America.

When the sign blinked on and off, it triggered a thought… how ready are we for harvest times in our lives? What are the implements and vehicles which give the world clues that we are in harvest mode?

At work it is easy to get trapped by the ongoing processes and the projects which move endlessly on. But we can’t continue to sow without stopping to reap. If the farmers left the crops alone they wouldn’t self-harvest, would they? No, they would wither and rot.

When we started the Breakfast With Fred Project, one of our board directors asked the question: “When will we know it is a success? When will we know to have the party?”

When do we know relationships have matured to a point of bearing fruit? When do we know we have developed those around us sufficiently to cut the ties and let them fly? How do we measure our spiritual maturity?

Some of us are sowers; others are reapers, but we are all part of the harvesting cycle. When fruition comes we need to stop and celebrate. Children give us great opportunities for their life stages are so evident. Walking, talking, going off to school – those are harvest moments reflecting natural development.

A healthy family, church, or business needs to establish “metrics and measurements” to let them know when it is party time. And we should be clear about those points with those around us. We all need to work for harvest time and then build a flashing light that tells the world our threshing machines are on the move.

Brenda’s Blog – October 28, 2014

Patient’s wife to nurse: “We’ve been married 71 years and we love each other very much.” Family member to nurse: “They would have been married 75 but he had to wait 4 years for her to get out of jail.” The goal was levity, but the result was a marked silence.

Sitting in the waiting room of the cardiac care unit provides ample material for thought and blogging. It also reminds me of the way human nature displays itself during crisis and tension.

Humor is the great social lubricant. We use it to share joys and to reduce stress. Art Linkletter made a fortune regaling the American public with his “Kids Say The Darndest Things!” Kids are not the only ones, are they? But just as my Mom said, “There is a time and place for everything.”

A local leader uses humor to spur others to action, but his sarcasm merely draws negative reactions. How we use this tool is an important element in successful interpersonal relationships. A study done of top executives listed “sense of humor” as one of the common attributes. A well-developed, well-honed appropriate use of stories and laughter can create a more favorable work environment just as a biting tongue can stifle creativity and collegiality.

Proverbs tells us, “A merry heart does good like a medicine.” Medical data shows patients with a congenial attitude and positive expectations recover more quickly. And, a warm smile and laughter create a friendly bond between staff and patient. But off-color or snide remarks certainly serve as negative warnings.

The dismayed young man who could not understand why his Mother-in-Law didn’t appreciate his bedside humor learned about the timing of witty comments. Hopefully, he has learned when and when not to joke!

The masterful use of humor aids in a winsome, winning personality.