Brenda’s Blog – December 2, 2014

“What if I take off the mask and there is no one there?”

As I told my friend about Steve Brown’s teaching on masks at The Cove in North Carolina, he paused and asked this poignant question. His expression mirrored the thoughts we may all have.

We wear masks of gentility, civility, humility, and spirituality. We don coverings for our fears, our difficult emotions, and our inability to cope. We walk around appearing to live well and prosper even when we are struggling for breath. “Don’t let them see you sweat” is mask language as is “fake it ‘til you make it.”

However, we are not called to be self-ordained mask rippers. We are not given the task of demasking others in the name of transparency. We have a big enough job just removing our own without creating havoc and chaos.

Interestingly enough, when we are given the armor of God, a mask to cover and protect our face is not issued. We are to cover our head, protecting our thoughts with the power of salvation; a chestplate which guards our heart with His righteousness; a belt which tells us the truth and keeps our pants from falling down; shoes which prepare us to walk in peace; a shield which is formed in community to stand against the fiery darts, and then the sword of the spirit which is the word of God putting us on the offense. NO FACE MASK.

Even though we may dread taking off the false front, we can find freedom in our relationships, our career, our community service, and certainly in our worship lives. The Bible tells us we will one day see Him as He is. The joy of the Christian faith is that with His help we can step out showing who we are.

My friend worries that no one is behind the carefully crafted mask. I bet he would be surprised and relieved. After all, those masks get heavy and they probably cause wrinkles as they drag us down!

Brenda’s Blog – November 18, 2014

The flashing roadside sign caught my attention. The rural route I chose gave me relief from the 18 wheelers and the non-stop interstate. The small towns on the “blue roads” still fascinate me. I think about the remote houses and the reasons they live there – the consolidated school districts which put children on buses for long rides outside their communities – the multitude of church steeples representing a variety of denominations and worship preferences. Mile after mile is the way to see America.

When the sign blinked on and off, it triggered a thought… how ready are we for harvest times in our lives? What are the implements and vehicles which give the world clues that we are in harvest mode?

At work it is easy to get trapped by the ongoing processes and the projects which move endlessly on. But we can’t continue to sow without stopping to reap. If the farmers left the crops alone they wouldn’t self-harvest, would they? No, they would wither and rot.

When we started the Breakfast With Fred Project, one of our board directors asked the question: “When will we know it is a success? When will we know to have the party?”

When do we know relationships have matured to a point of bearing fruit? When do we know we have developed those around us sufficiently to cut the ties and let them fly? How do we measure our spiritual maturity?

Some of us are sowers; others are reapers, but we are all part of the harvesting cycle. When fruition comes we need to stop and celebrate. Children give us great opportunities for their life stages are so evident. Walking, talking, going off to school – those are harvest moments reflecting natural development.

A healthy family, church, or business needs to establish “metrics and measurements” to let them know when it is party time. And we should be clear about those points with those around us. We all need to work for harvest time and then build a flashing light that tells the world our threshing machines are on the move.

Brenda’s Blog – October 28, 2014

Patient’s wife to nurse: “We’ve been married 71 years and we love each other very much.” Family member to nurse: “They would have been married 75 but he had to wait 4 years for her to get out of jail.” The goal was levity, but the result was a marked silence.

Sitting in the waiting room of the cardiac care unit provides ample material for thought and blogging. It also reminds me of the way human nature displays itself during crisis and tension.

Humor is the great social lubricant. We use it to share joys and to reduce stress. Art Linkletter made a fortune regaling the American public with his “Kids Say The Darndest Things!” Kids are not the only ones, are they? But just as my Mom said, “There is a time and place for everything.”

A local leader uses humor to spur others to action, but his sarcasm merely draws negative reactions. How we use this tool is an important element in successful interpersonal relationships. A study done of top executives listed “sense of humor” as one of the common attributes. A well-developed, well-honed appropriate use of stories and laughter can create a more favorable work environment just as a biting tongue can stifle creativity and collegiality.

Proverbs tells us, “A merry heart does good like a medicine.” Medical data shows patients with a congenial attitude and positive expectations recover more quickly. And, a warm smile and laughter create a friendly bond between staff and patient. But off-color or snide remarks certainly serve as negative warnings.

The dismayed young man who could not understand why his Mother-in-Law didn’t appreciate his bedside humor learned about the timing of witty comments. Hopefully, he has learned when and when not to joke!

The masterful use of humor aids in a winsome, winning personality.

Brenda’s Blog – October 14, 2014

“What a beautiful Colorado winter day – let’s go play!”

We moved to Pagosa Springs from Arizona. In the first year we joined the other “flatlanders” (the not-so-favorable phrase for Texans and Arizonans) who saw the clear blue skies and ran headfirst into playtime.

It took us an entire season to understand the correlation between gorgeous winter days and the storm which was surely coming behind. On those days when tourists from non-mountainous areas romped, the locals ran errands, loaded in food, filled vehicles with gas, and prepared. Prepared for what? BAD WEATHER!

They knew after years of experience that those beautiful, unseasonably warm days were precursors to heavy snows. By year two, we left the tourists behind and joined the lines at the grocery and gas station.

Years later during my own personal storm, I remembered this experience and saw great similarities. There were days when my mind was perfectly clear and the stress level seemed to disappear. My first reaction was to play. YAY! Then I thought back to Pagosa. Hmmmm.

Could these days of clarity be given for preparation? Could play take a back seat?

I began using those “sunny winter moments” to do paperwork, make phone calls, and organize my thoughts because I knew an emotional storm was coming when I wouldn’t be able to handle things as well. It made that time manageable and helped me mature.

Generations ago used to say, “Make hay while the sun shines!” There is certainly time for recreation, but in stormy times, the sun shine may be better used for hay-making.

“PERSONALITY AT ALL TIMES”

The plain card placed above the carry-out window caught my eye. It contained the rules for the employees who worked the drive through. The poster was non-descript without even a company logo or interesting typeface… just bold block letters.

The young woman who took my money did so with not even a hint of a smile. She disappeared and finally returned with the change. Then I waited for the food. It, too, was delivered without any emotion.

I had to laugh! How do you legislate a bright personality? And how does a boring sign engender enthusiasm?

A well-meaning manager lettered the sign thinking it would accomplish the purpose. But managing by example won the day – no positive personality in the message.

Have you ever tried to say “no,” but nod your head “yes?” Mixed messages create confusion and rarely achieve the goal.
How do we create excitement and energy in others? How do we engage those around us? What are the elements of environments that encourage associates to genuinely express a winning personality?

Perhaps the next time PERSONALITY is mandated, management will think of a more creative way to reflect its order. And perhaps the next time the woman at the window will add a smile and happy word as she passes the food to the customer. And just maybe that personality will be the result of a work environment produced by authentic cheerfulness.

Brenda’s Blog – September 16, 2014

“This mouse makes me crazy!  I am always typing where I don’t mean to.”

My sweet friend called to read me a letter.  When she made changes, she went through the infuriating experience of finding the “bouncing ball” in a totally unexpected place and her revisions inserted into strange locales.

This exasperates me, as well.  My typing speed is rapid and to find letters suddenly appearing randomly out of order frustrates me.  “Why can’t it just stay where it is and make things simple?”

What is the answer?  Clearly, to make no corrections, additions, or deletions would solve the problem.  But speedy as I am, mistake-free performance is yet to be accomplished.

No, the answer is to check the position of the little black line (there must be a technical term for it) before typing to see that it is aligned in the desired position.  Sounds easy enough, but when my mind gets going, and my fingers engage, my lower tier tasks (like visual contact with the line) fall off the list—-until I find my letters smack dab in the middle of a word three paragraphs up on the page.

Why is this worthy of consideration?  For one reason:  good leaders make sure their ducks are in a row before taking flight.  It is easy to think about the larger picture, and move forward with the vision without checking to see if the action steps are in the sync with the mission.  We laughingly talk about “ready, fire, aim,” but failing to see the next step clearly brings healthy forward progress to a screeching halt.  Action before assessment equals time wasted.

I consistently remind myself to make sure the black line and my mind are in the same place, but consistently I begin typing only to discover that crazy little whatever has a mind of its own and wanders – much to my chagrin.  People are the same way.  Unless they are in line with the direction, time is wasted recovering momentum, retraining, restructuring, and starting again.

Bringing goals and little black lines into conformity makes the job at hand so much easier!

Brenda’s Blog – September 2, 2014

“Will, it is really dark down here.”  “Emma, the longer you are down here the lighter it gets.”

This exchange between two of my grandchildren as we climbed down into the basement struck me.  Isn’t that true of life, as well?

I think of the times when I stepped into the dark places through bad choices and failed to flee.  The longer I stayed, the less the darkness bothered me.  Indeed, as Will said, “it gets lighter.”

A friend’s TV broke and for months he just didn’t watch.  Eventually, he replaced it and began viewing again.  He told me the shock was palpable.  He had become numb to the objectionable material; he had immunized himself against the seduction of the scenarios.  In seven months he had detoxed and now the impact was powerful.

The pull of the darkness is strong.  Web pages measure “stickiness,” meaning how long people stay.  Bad decisions can draw us into a quagmire which envelopes us.  Finding a way back to the light demands intentional action and positive resolve.

As children we sang a little song with the words, “Be careful little eyes what you see….”  The verses continue with ears and hands.  The rest of the chorus says, “For the Father up above is looking down in love.”  We have a heavenly Father who wants us to live in the truth Light.  He makes a way of escape.

Wise leaders constantly monitor their light meters.  Adjusting to the dark is a poor substitute for adequate lighting.  We do our best work in bright environments. 

Brenda’s Blog – August 19, 2014

“When Mama put on her lipstick, it meant we was going to town.” 

The friendly woman told me of her rural upbringing as we visited before I spoke for her church group.  She said most of their time was spent on the farm with a no-frills, no-nonsense lifestyle.  We both laughed as she told me of her Mom’s clue.  They all hustled to get going because they knew Mom was “on the ready.”

What signals do we send?  In Glenn Beck’s book The Overton Window he described a young employee who glanced at her watch during her powerful employer’s remarks.  When the boss stared at her, the room saw what time it really was… “time for her to find another job, in another city, in another industry.”  His wordless look spoke loudly and clearly.

Years ago I went to hear Elizabeth Elliott speak in Dallas.  My Mom attended with a friend.  As I walked into the room, I saw her far across the aisles.  Quickly I read her lips: “That’s Brenda!”  Her smile told me of her love and gladness in seeing me.  I often replay that scene and remember the sense of acceptance I felt.

At a formal dinner, I sat with two executives who questioned the choice of the new CEO.  They bowed and scraped in his presence, but during his speech they caught each other’s gaze and exchanged rolled eyes.  Those weren’t just clues – those were red flags.  Not surprisingly, they were urged to pursue other career opportunities within the next year.

How clear are our actions?  Do we confuse colleagues or family members by mismatched walk and talk patterns?  Do we enable friends or associates to confidently and accurately read us?  Is it possible to hinder communication with muddy messages?

How well I remember the decibel game with the children.  They had an uncanny ability to know exactly when I hit the sound level they read as, “She means it this time!”  Ratcheting up until obedience is inefficient.

Consultants cash big checks garnered by training others to read body language, word usage, and breathing patterns.  They know how to play the game of Clue for People!

We all use the unspoken as shorthand.  Let’s make sure it is consistent with our intentions and effective in its outcome.  When we put on our lipstick, let’s be certain all those around us know we are going to town.

Brenda’s Blog – July 21, 2014

The drought in the last few years has taken a drastic toll on our tall pine trees.  They are reduced to skinny, naked sticks threatening our houses.  So, this week a baker’s dozen came down with loud thumps.  There were times when I thought the ground would surely crack with the impact.  My house literally shook as the closest ones plummeted ungracefully.

Now, I look at my front yard with gaping holes and strangely miss even the damaged trunks and branches.  I had gotten so used to seeing them, I hardly recognized them as dead — they were just part of the landscape.  I knew they were a danger, but they weren’t uncomfortable or bothersome.

Our bad habits are much like these diseased trees.  We get used to their dead weight on our souls and lives.  We give them space and make room for them, even knowing they threaten our health.  We look past them, rationalizing their presence and promising one day to rid ourselves of them.  But like my trees, the cost of removal always seems too high.

Good habits can be cultivated in 30 days we are told.  Bad habits can be eliminated, but it takes way more than a month.  There were days when I told myself the trees would probably fall down on their own in a wind storm.  Foolish, fantasy thinking.  When we vow to rid ourselves of destructive behavior, we can fall into this same thought pattern… thinking it will go away on its own without effort, sacrifice, and pain.

Recognizing and acknowledging the bad habit is step one.  Admitting to myself the trees had to go was the beginning.  Finding someone to do the job well was next.  Having friends in our lives who will help us as we determine to create healthy space by cutting out the dead wood is critical.  I needed a man who knew what he was doing and would follow through with integrity.  We need friends who are wise counselors with courageous and loving spirits.

George stayed with the job until all the trees were down and the mess was cleaned up.  I still hate the holes, but I know I am a better neighbor because I don’t “ugly up” the street.  I will learn to see my yard as it is now and be grateful.  When we cull out our bad habits, we will miss them for awhile (maybe a long time), but with the help of others and God, we can see life more clearly and make room for more sunshine.

Brenda’s Blog – July 22, 2014

“Automobile Assist:  Driver Drowsiness Has Been Detected.”  My friend’s car actually tattles on her.  If she moves too quickly into an occupied lane, red lights flash, and buzzers beep; if she moves upon the car ahead, the brakes activate; and if she appears to lose full attention, a cute coffee cup icon pops onto the screen.

The amenity package in this luxury car amazes me.  But the amenity package of a premium friendship is just as stunning.

Have you ever found yourself dozing off in life and weaving from lane to lane?  Have you ever closed in on an object in your career path threatening a crash?  What about people who travel in your blind spots?  Don’t you wish you had driver assists?

Too often we see friends who are “cruising for a bruising,” yet we avert our eyes and hearts because we don’t want to be intrusive.  Actually, I think we fail to flash warning signals because the messiness of involvement is distasteful.

Don’t trusted colleagues make observations about career limiting moves?  Don’t dear friends take the risk to share firsthand experiences of seeing spouses or children driving in the wrong lanes?  Don’t ministry partners mention dozing off in the work of the Master?

When we bravely and appropriately issue our alerts, we do it with wisdom and gentleness.  If my friend’s cars were to scream at her, she would undoubtedly overreact, overcorrect, and overdo.  The helpfulness of warning would turn into dire destruction.  The engineers designed a system for optimum effectiveness.

Conversely, if the car’s program merely sent happy talk messages, the beeps, buzzes, and flashes would go unheeded and ignored in times of trouble.   It is tempting to pour out nonstop “attagirls/attaboys,” ignoring red flags in the lives of others.

Proverbs 26:7 puts it this way: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.”

Good friends understand how, when, and most importantly why to share these warnings.  Good leaders exercise discernment and strengthen their organizations with appropriate Will Robinson management.