Weekly Thought – January 31, 2023

Fred paced himself. He understood his rhythms: body, soul, and spirit and operated within their constraints. This allowed him a sense of adequacy in all areas of his life. This kept him from handing personal power to others. Think about these excerpts from a “someday a book” manuscript.

Adequacy is the Goal

A critical element in adequacy is taking control of your life. A woman came up to me recently after a talk to tell me she was bored. She clarified it wasn’t my talk, but just her life experiences.

I asked her, “how much control do you exercise over your life?” “Well, she said, I don’t need to do that. My life is very convenient – I am well taken care of financially, therefore I don’t need control.” My thought as she spoke “We all need control if we want to feel adequate. When we do not take control, we feel passive. With control we feel active, and alive.”

A friend who recently sold his company called to tell me, “Fred, I’ve sold my business and I am definitely going through those pains of questioning what I am going to do. I am only 50, made a lot of money on the sale, but am puzzled about the next step.”

“Well, while you are deciding be sure to put some kind of personal program into effect that produces activity and accomplishment. You are going to miss the sense of productivity. You are going to need the feeling of adequacy you had in business. Do it in your personal life.”

He was considerably overweight. We talked about two or three options for slimming down. Yes, “Fat Fred” was giving him counsel! I didn’t see him for several months and when I did I didn’t recognize me. He lost 60 pounds, was playing tennis and golf – and regained his self-respect. He knows he can’t do this alone for the rest of his life, but it was a strategy that got him moving. Self-respect fostered his sense of adequacy. Knowing how to establish and control his sense of achievement proved helpful for him.

If emotionally wired for it, the fast lane is exhilarating and creates energy, but putting a life into overdrive can result in chaos – and often crashes. Teaching our children to drive was a parental responsibility I accepted, reluctantly driving up and down the hills of Indian Hill with their inadequacies on display. “You are overdriving the road,” I would helpfully comment. Getting the keys to my Austin-Healey 3000 or Jaguar sedan was the goal of proven road adequacy, but it also tempted them to let the car’s potential and performance get ahead of their competency. When they learned to drive with control they learned true adequacy.

This week think about: 1) How do I define accomplishment in my life? 2) What is the area of my strongest achievement? 3) What plan do I have for staying productive in times of life change?

Words of Wisdom: “Knowing how to establish and control his sense of achievement proved helpful for him.”

Wisdom from the Word: “On every mission on which Saul sent him, David achieved success. So Saul appointed him over the men of war. This pleased not only all the army, but also Saul’s servants.” (1 Samuel 18:5 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 24, 2023

Fred experienced major losses in 1983, including financial setbacks and the death of his Mother. True to form, he crafted a personal plan for going forward. These excerpts will give a flavor of his approach.

Looking at Loss

Difficult circumstances require an organized plan. In my personal experience here are four ways I create a strategy:

1) Stay busy. I see a lot of people who don’t understand how important it is to stay busy when they have problems. They want to take off on vacation, going “to the islands,” or choosing any activity which distracts them. Howard Rome, past head of the World Psychiatric Society said to me, “Fred, stay busy.” He knew me well. He understood that by training and habit I would stay constructively busy. An executive I once knew adopted the philosophy for dealing with problems: “When in trouble, when in doubt… run in circles, scream and shout.” I am not talking about that kind of busyness. I am talking about honest, constructive work in rebuilding the wall.

2) Live with the facts. I hope I am mature enough to receive both good and bad fact any time of any day. A friend asked me if his son would be a good executive. “No.” “Why, Fred?” “Because he told me he doesn’t want to hear any bad news from any of his employees because it depresses him.” I cannot get a sound solution to my problem until I have a clear statement of the facts.

3) Never lose the good of a bad experience. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says the greatest things that happened to her have come from the windstorms of her life. She talks about putting people in the tumbler of life for we come polished when taken out. An example of wasting a bad experience is the national response to the depression. I went into it in such a way I came out without losing a nickel – because I went in without a nickel. I have lost a great deal of money since because I have had the “depression psychosis” imprinted on it. I took the wrong lesson from the experience.

4) Be redemptive. It is my Christian responsibility that in whatever the circumstance I am to bring redemption. This is Christ’s story. I am not to be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of my mind. This means to me that I am not to be formed by the world and its responses to loss and hard circumstances, but by the work of the Holy Spirit. For example, revenge is not redemptive.

This week carefully consider: 1) How would I define my current circumstances? 2) Which of these points stands out as important for me? 3) What makes me know God is real in difficult circumstances?

Words of Wisdom: “I cannot get a sound solution to my problem until I have a clear statement of the facts.”

Wisdom from the Word: “More than that, I now regard all things as liabilities compared to the far greater value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things – indeed, I regard them as dung! – that I may gain Christ,” (Philippians 3:8 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 17, 2023

Fred established the wording for his tombstone as a young man in his twenties: “He stretched others.” His headstone in his Restland/Dallas space has those three words. When speaking of that desire he was often asked about its origin. This week features an answer he gave to a magazine interviewer.

Setting Direction

Question: “How did you decided your life mission was to stretch others?”

“I haven’t the vaguest idea how it came to be. I just realized I had an internal interest. Even all these years later I never tire of it. I have a gift for it and I have never found anything that interested me more than this pursuit. When I analyzed my activities I always get to the core and the common denominator: the desire to stretch others.”

Friends of mine who are artists or athletes have individual aims for personal development. There is certainly nothing wrong with that – it just wasn’t what attracted me. My friend who is a professional golfer strives to keep improving his game to be the best he can possibly be. Excellence is his development goal. My desire is excellence, as well, but it just happens to be in stretching others.
In thinking about personal development I see a clear difference between direction and goals. Direction is your ultimate destination – where you want your life to arrive. Goals are the specific steps you take along the way. It is crucial for goals to be in harmony with the direction.

A direction should be long term and in sync with the person you want to be. I often ask our children: “Are you satisfied with the direction you are going? Are you pleased with who you are becoming?” These questions relate to destination, not 3 or 5 year goals unless they are in line with where they want to be.

As a young man I had a clear sense of who I wanted to be even though I had no opportunities for college education, nor financial resources. I knew the gifts God gave me and developed a plan to set a direction which would allow me to operate within them. Scripture tells us Abraham set out “not knowing where he was going.” He didn’t have a map, but he had a Guide and set out. I, too, set out with a direction. I learned excellence in stretching others as I benefitted from those who believed in me.

The Puritans used the word “calling” as an expression of direction and vision. They believed it was each person’s contribution to the common good. Stretching others is my calling – my contribution.

Think carefully this week about: 1) What is my calling? 2) How clear am I on the direction I am taking? 3) When do I experience a strong sense of direction?

Words of Wisdom: “It is crucial for goals to be in harmony with direction.”

Wisdom from the Word: “By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place he would later receive as an inheritance, and he went out without understanding where he was going.” (Hebrews 11:8 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 10, 2023

Fred highly valued concentration and focus. Many early morning breakfasts were scheduled by friends who wanted their “sons with potential” to meet with him. He listened, evaluated, and often decided the missing ingredient was intensity… no laser focus.

Life in Focus

The verse of Scripture which always comes to my mind about the focused life is: “This one thing I do, forgetting what is behind, I press forward.” One of the brightest men I ever met never amounted to much despite testing at genius level in 13 of 14 key measures. What was missing? He could never pick an area and develop it. He kept looking back at experiences, enjoyed the memories, and wandered into the future. He had too many options and failed to press forward.

Concentration is the power of life. The fireman knows to make sure the nozzle is screwed down. Otherwise he just has a flow of water. There is little force.

A lot of people do not focus because they are afraid of missing something, and they’re also afraid of being judged for having failed by making the wrong choice. One of the most talented baritones I ever knew was offered an opportunity to solo at the Metropolitan. He refused to focus, risking everything else to become truly great. Instead, he remained a fine talent but never achieved superiority.

The fear of being judged is always part of making a decision. A large number of people would rather be thought to be a person of potential, rather than attempt something, possibly failing, and losing the title of “highest potential in the pack.” Ironically, too many carry the idea of potential success more lightly than actually sacrificing to make it happen.

Growing up in the mill district in North Nashville I saw many with limited talents, and very limited opportunities who accomplished simply because they focused and concentrated. They found their uniqueness and held on to it like a junkyard dog with a bone. They had the “this one thing I do” spirit. I always think the welding torch is a fine illustration. You have to turn the flame down to a blue point before it will weld. Those who work with blue flame intensity accomplish.

I see people who believe working long hours is the secret. They think those hours means they are doing their job well. Intensity comes with you understand what are the important parts of your job. Some people spend as much time on inconsequential details as they do on the vital parts of their job. They certainly become hard workers, but not necessarily accomplishers because they miss the key elements.

Effective focus is achieved through proper prioritization, and intense attention.

This week think about: 1) How focused am I on the most important aspects of my work? 2) What does pressing forward look like for me right now? 3) When does fear get in the way of accomplishment?

Words of Wisdom: “A lot of people do not focus because they are afraid of missing something.”
(Note: Fred recognized FOMO way ahead of his time…)

Wisdom from the Words: “Pay careful attention to the condition of your flocks, set your mind on your herds.” (Proverbs 27:23 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 3, 2023

Fred’s reputation for humor extended past his use in speaking or consulting. He thought much about the principles of humor and analyzed its use in personal development. His writings on the subject help other speakers, but also add vitality to each reader’s life.

Laugh or Have High Blood Pressure

There’s no way to be truly mature without a well-developed sense of humor. It is the emotional escape valve. It is accepting the fallibility of man. I don’t remember meeting a humorless man who wasn’t also arrogant and a control freak.

Because I always see something funny in every mistake it has provided great relief for me. When we fail to laugh at ourselves in embarrassing situations shows a lack of maturity.

Of course, there are serious abuses of humor. For example, sarcasm, hurtful practical jokes, and hostile jokes. And we test the social edges – trying to see where the boundaries are. Stage comedians do this regularly, but also in ordinary social relationships this is a strategy to where the edge of acceptability is.

I have a pastor friend who has a personal measure: “Could I tell this from the pulpit?” Many businessmen throw out funny comments to see how the businesswomen react. They find out where the boundaries exist.

A friend of mine who uses humor to probe the intellectual depth of the audience. He is a scientist with four earned degrees and speaks regularly. He told me he developed three stories which he tells. By the reaction of the audience he can judge the intellectual capacity.

I am convinced the use of humor is a maturity/immaturity measurement tool. Those who use it well know how to develop an appreciation, much like art or music. Becoming discriminating and understanding the types of humor are key parts of this process.

For example, humor has a terrific communal aspect. A highly educated friend sent me a Mark Twain book. There were many passages which were lessons in sharing humor. I called to thank him and we began discussing the way we deepened our understanding of life’s funny bone. He told me of a friendship which included a weekly Sunday morning call. They didn’t discuss the news – they read the comic pages together.

I notice very few people will laugh heartily when alone, but when in a group and the very same story is shared, people will immediately start laughing out loud. Laugher is communal.

Another principle: keep you eyes and ears open for humor. I rarely go through a day in which I fail to see real life situations with a humorous element. This is a practiced habit. I look for the situations, written articles, and conversations. During a layover in the Chicago Ambassador Club I saw Charlie “Tremendous” Jones, the great public speaker. I walked up and he foisted a book into my hands. “Read this!” It was two pages of some of the funniest extemporaneous speaking I had ever read and it was 50 years old. Charlie was sharing something of value. Just as easily we could have fallen into, “What flight are you on? Where are you going? What group?” But instead of small talk, he made the time very valuable by just showing a great piece of humor.

This week think carefully about: 1) When was the last time I laughed out loud? 2) How effective am I in applying humor to relieve tension? 3) What can I do to sharpen my sense of humor?

Words of Wisdom: “Laughter is communal.”

Wisdom from the Word: “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.” (Job 8:21 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 13, 2022

Fred chose to live in the active tense, rarely in passive voice. He deliberately made decisions. “Going with the flow” was not spoken in his life’s vocabulary. What were key words and concepts? Responsibility, maturity, character, productivity, discipline, and “profitable to the Master” represented him.

Path To Maturity

“Fred, what are you really talking about when you say maturity?” An excellent question.

It is certainly not old age though most of us mistakenly expect to reach maturity and old age simultaneously. Look around: don’t you see many immature, selfish, irritable, and narrow-minded old folks? They have not matured with age, and no matter how long they live they will stay the same as they are right now… or slip into even deeper immaturity.

Maturity is a path we choose consciously and follow conscientiously.

The younger one sets out on the path, the more opportunity they have to achieve maturity. The real satisfaction in reaching greater levels, the greater the benefits. There will be fewer mistakes to correct; fewer hurt feelings to mend; and many more compounded returns from good decisions.

“Well, Fred, if maturity is not old age, then what is it?”

My best definition is a quiet center surrounded by life segments. As a schematic it looks like a sliced grapefruit. The key for me is that all areas of my life are related and grouped around the center. I adopted the quiet center from the Quaker philosopher Thomas Kelley who felt every life should have a place in our heart that is immune to being disturbed and all is well. When I first read I envied him this and made it my aim to acquire such an attitude.

For me it had to be a dynamic quiet center, not a passive one. The difference is vital. I think of quiet as stable, and well-positioned like the turning gyroscope in the airplane’s instrument panel from which the other instruments get their direction.

Christ has this dynamic quietness that could not be thrown off course. Yet He could retreat into the desert for a visit with His Father. When people think of quiet as the passive absence of noise or disturbance they aren’t thinking clearly. It is not that at all. I remember the prize-winning picture of a bird on her nest in the crevice of the cliff while the storm whirled around her. Her confidence was in her quietness – in knowing what she should be doing – and doing it. That is peace.

This week think about: 1) How would I describe maturity? 2) What plan do I have to actively pursue maturity? 3) Who demonstrates gracious, wise, and mature aging?

Words of Wisdom: “Maturity is a path we choose consciously and follow conscientiously.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 22, 2022

Fred and Mary Alice established gratitude and thanksgiving as foundational for their family. They built into each child “Be A Blessing” was an essential part of the family vocabulary. Thanksgiving was Mary Alice’s favorite family celebration. And all year long whenever the family gathered around the table she would smile and say, “Now, THIS is Thanksgiving!”

Count Your Blessings

Gratitude is a very positive emotion. Han Selye gives it high marks in his celebrated spectrum of emotions. The grateful are among the happiest, most balanced individuals. They have an outward view of life. They have kept the old ritual of “counting blessings.”

Gratitude should start with the very basics: life, health, adequate food, clothing and shelter, love among relations, freedom, and a personal relationship with God. Too often we take the basics for granted. And focusing on the “big blessings” can distract us from recognizing and acknowledging those we just assume.

When I first read in the Psalms that God asks for “the sacrifice of gratitude” I wondered how that could be. Then on further consideration I saw when we are grateful we appreciate that another has done something for us we could not do for ourselves. The arrogant, self-sufficient ones find gratitude difficult. Too often we want others to need us, but resent needing others. God is saying to us He wants our egos to say, “Thank you. I need you – or as the hymnist says, “I need you every hour.” This is a humbling experience, but it is also exhilarating.

Have you stopped recently to make a list of things for which you are grateful? I hadn’t, so as I was thinking about this I quickly jotted down some: feet I can still use to walk 18 holes; a back that doesn’t hurt all the time; eyes for reading and seeing loved ones; punctuation, because without it I would have to read text out loud; enough coordination to drive a car; some discretionary money which I never used to have; my opposing thumbs that make hands workable; a comfortable place to work and something to do; some competitive souls to argue with and a pen and paper on which I made this list.

And if you need help, you can always add Heaven, grace, forgiveness, and the presence of the Spirit.

Have you made your list? If you’re not thankful by now, then shame on you. And if shame doesn’t work, then start writing down the reasons others should be grateful for you. That very short list might develop a great deal of gratitude.

This week carefully consider: 1) How long has it been since I made a gratitude list? 2) What difference would gratitude make in my personal and professional relationships? 3) Who needs to hear “Thank you?”

Words of Wisdom: “…When we are grateful we appreciate that another has done something for us we could not do for ourselves.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The LORD strengthens and protects me; I trust in him with all my heart. I am rescued and my heart is full of joy; I will sing to him in gratitude.” (Psalm 28:7 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 8, 2022

Fred took a piece of paper, a pencil (always), drew a line down the middle and put emotions on the left side which hindered his mental health and helpful ones on the right. Then in true Fred fashion focused on the right side of the paper. One of the primary ones was “excitement.” This week we share some of his thoughts.

What’s Exciting?

Without excitement life is flat, blah, and boring. We become negative, lethargic, and even difficult to be around. Therefore, we need to keep the energy flowing, not only personally, but professionally and certainly in our families. The wonderful news is that we can manage this element.

Often I ask other “what is exciting in your life?” I especially do this when I sense the charge in their battery is weak. For me, it is exciting to find various ways in which others might enjoy an excitement boost.

Sometimes people respond by asking me what is on my list: learning new things, meeting new people with common interests, visiting with old friends, developing others, starting new projects, wrestling with strange ideas, exploring theories I question, thinking up techniques that spring from common principles; analyzing problems and writing their parts. (By the way, I am writing this as I wait to go to Sunday School where I would be bored if it weren’t for the excellent teacher who knows how to make almost any subject exciting.) I think it would be a good discipline for teachers to decide that at least one point in every lesson is going to spark excitement.

We have to accept the responsibility for our own excitement. Two often I hear couples complain of being bored with each other for neither is willing to create something new. They depend on circumstances which is too haphazard. Just as we must plan and work to provide necessary money, so we must plan the necessary emotional stimulation for our healthy living.

Accomplishment is one of the ways to create excitement. Often it starts with a quiet resolve then builds, providing the energy to complete the task. We can accelerate this process with simple habits. For example, when I was younger I left my car on the city streets knowing I would have to move it. Getting out in the air would wake me up for an extra hour or two of work. Accomplishment followed.

The desire for accomplishment shows up late Sunday afternoon after golf has been on TV. Driving ranges all over the country start filling up with golfers come out to see if they can do what they have been watching.

We all need to feel the satisfaction of making progress – knowing we are completing tasks we have undertaken. A key factor is seeing the progress. A piece work factory study showed employees tended toward burn out and the sense of being overwhelmed when the work pile never went down. Seeing only the unfinished work gave no satisfaction of accomplishment.

Rarely do we operate at maximum levels when we cannot see the target. The more we know the target of our activity, the most excitement we get out of the accomplishment.

This week think carefully about: 1) What gives me excitement? 2) Who needs a battery charge and a word of encouragement to schedule excitement? 3)Where do I put excitement on my priority list?

Words of Wisdom: “We have to accept the responsibility for our own excitement.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Therefore, since we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that could defile the body and the spirit, and thus accomplish holiness out of reverence for God.” (2 Corinthians 7:11 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 1, 2022

Fred, when once asked to distinguish between joy and happiness, responded: “Happiness is a bubbling stream; joy is a deep aquifer. One is temporary and on the surface; the other is underground providing water for years.” Part two of Fred’s first book You and Your Network was Joy in the Journey.

Fine Wine

Growing older should include joy. Joy is like the wine which Christ offered to the host after turning it from ordinary water in the pots. The best was saved for the last of the marriage feast.

The normal pattern is expending the energy of youth and the exuberance of young adulthood in chasing the best. They focus on happiness. Those who age well like fine wine know that the latter years can be the best – filled with joy, not just happiness. Too many waste time drinking the best first, leaving the poorer for the years of old age. They live on the crumbs of former feasts. They are defrosting frozen meals from the past and snacking on reheated scraps rather than enjoying hot, fresh dinners.

They spend their time with memories of their “good days” rather than creating new stories, new memories, and new joys. The Christian life is not like that. As Christians we have the possibility to see our usefulness continue and even grow as we age. We are to live constantly believing that “the best is yet to be.” I am not as young and mobile as I was in my twenties, but my life is far richer from the people in my life, opportunities to mentor, seeing the family grow well. These last years have provided profound joy, not just moments of happiness.

Our prayer of gratitude as we get older should be, “Thank you, Lord, for thou hast kept the best until now.” In Scripture we see the story of the servant who accept responsibilities and duties. At the end of the story we read “Well done, thou good and faithful servant. Enter into the joys of the Lord.” The end of life brought the very best.

Seeing aging as the time to experience the Lord’s joy should not be the exception – this should be the normal pattern for Christians. We should eagerly drink the best wine as we reach the end. We should, also, recognize the privilege and responsibility of “length of days” and use them in service, not self-interest.

This week think carefully about: 1) At my age am I focusing on temporary happiness or building a life which will bring long term joy? 2) Who is failing to appreciate the benefits of growing older? 3) What can I do to make sure I don’t eat scraps from earlier banquets?

Words of Wisdom: “As Christians we have the possibility to see our usefulness continue and even grow as we age.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Even when you are old, I will take care of you, even when you have gray hair, I will carry you. I made you and I will support you; I will carry you and rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:4 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – October 25, 2022

Fred grew up in the depths of the national depression. He grew up knowing economic downturns, as well as prosperous economic conditions. He always held to his basic principles about money: no debt, no greed, and recognition of the fact everything he had came from God. His generosity was rarely known, and his desire to serve the Lord with their resources enabled many ministries to grow.

Concern for Others

In the midst of a serious Dallas financial downturn a successful, female stock broker called me. “How is it going with you?” Since I wasn’t her client, but knew her and her reputation I asked, “Why in the middle of this chaotic time would you have time to call me?” She said, “Because I care what happens to you.” Touching.

I recently read an article saying 38 people in one day fell off the Forbes 400 list of richest people. It brings to mind how easily we can fall off a financial list, but that’s not what is ultimately important. We are to always remember to rejoice because our name is written in the Lamb’s book of life. That is a permanent list – when your name is there you cannot be removed.

Often during times of loss, particularly financial loss, we totally ignore other people. My friend Ron Ritchie sent this to me during a downturn in his life.

“I spoke to her at the bus stop, but she turned the other way.
My immediate reaction: a rush of resentment.
She’s ignoring me, and really doesn’t like me, I have always suspected it, but now I know.
“Forgive me, I didn’t see you.” (Until then I hadn’t noticed the agony lining her face.)
A hesitant pause, a catch in her voice… “I just came from the doctor’s office.
Our little boy has leukemia. It’s all a terrible nightmare.”
Lord, what loathsome selfishness!
A mother stricken with grief, her heart broken with pain
An hour of black market catastrophe and I thought only of me.
Cleanse me, Lord, sensitize me until my first concern is for others
and my last concern is for me.”

As Christians we need to be reminded, don’t we?

This week carefully consider: 1) How do I react to loss? 2) Who needs a caring word? 3) What has been my greatest loss?

Words of Wisdom: “We are to always remember to rejoice because our name is written in the Lamb’s book of life. That is a permanent list – when your name is there you cannot be removed.”

Wisdom from the Word: “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, and favor is better than silver or gold.” (Proverbs 22:1 NET Bible)