Brenda’s Blog – June 28, 2016

“This painting is a supreme statement on interiority.”

The Edward Hopper work, New York Movie, depicts a woman standing in the stairwell to the theater as the audience is seated watching the film. As in all his work, there is much darkness with a figure popping out as if a spotlight were focused on them. The mood he creates represents the Depression Era in America.

As I first read the commentary I stumbled over the word “interiority.” Then it totally intrigued me. What would be a supreme statement of my own interiority? Not my inferiority, but interiority. What colors would be used to express the inside of me? How about you?

What description of your internal makeup would you want to give to the world? How would it match with the external?
My Dad taught us to look at photographs and study the symmetry (or lack of) in a face. He was convinced when there is discontinuity inside the face reveals the conflict. I know there are exceptions, but it is an interesting exercise. Who we are inside eventually shows up, doesn’t it? The Bible tells us our actions have a direct correlation to the condition of our heart.

I recently asked a friend, “How are you?” She answered, “That is too general a question for all that is going on in my life. Ask something more specific?” I thought and then asked, “Where is your peace?” I was asking about her interiority.

A recent widow at church answered the “how are you?” question with a nod and the normal, “fine.” Then she looked up and said, “Not really fine, but doing as well as possible.” She is on the way to healing because she is in touch with her emotions and is willing to express them.

Hopper captured the drama of interiority. We must avoid putting on a brave face when war is waging inside. And, we must help each other by being trustworthy and true friends. We can work for an inside and outside in sync with one another.

Brenda’s Blog – June 14, 2016

“Hey, you there, in the cage!”

The billboard on Interstate 75 driving down toward Tampa caught my eye. I laughed out loud as I thought about it.

The Harley-Davidson ad certainly appeals to the secret biker in all of us. Yes, even this 70-something grandmother of nine! In fact, years ago I taped a picture of a curvy Colorado mountain road on my mirror and declared it to be my dream trip – on three wheels (I was never going to get down to two… )

Next step – taking the motorcycle license class. The first day we studied the rules of the road. Of course, I got the highest mark in the class. I was on the way to the Rocky Mountains. THEN the actual riding came. The moment the instructor asked me to surrender the bike and leave the class I knew I was never going to be cage free.

Unrealized dreams become fodder for funny stories.

We can look at that billboard in two ways. We absolutely make choices which put us in cages. Those limit our joy, our freedom, and our fulfillment. But alternatively, cages keep us from hazardous environments. For example, when shark-hunters explore their habitat they descend safely ensconced in wire cages – feeling grateful for the protection.

What cages do you remember? Which ones inhibited you? Which ones gave you safety? And what unrealized dreams now give you pause and a smile? Our stories make us real – let’s really always recall them. And ride free!

Brenda’s Blog – May 17, 2016

“Use your Rottweiler voice…”

My daughter stood talking with a friend at church. The subject of a new and undisciplined dog was the topic. As Heather told of the misbehavior, her friend, a dog trainer, said, “use your Rottweiler voice.” Then without notice she loudly yelled, “NO!” The ensuing silence startled my daughter. People turned to see what happened. Embarrassed, my daughter’s friend smiled and continued the conversation in her non-Rottweiler voice.

There are moments when full-throated responses are not only helpful, but necessary. Think of the times when everything in you screamed “ENOUGH!” We either responded to another’s violation or even our own bad decisions. Change often begins with a loud proclamation.

We can get tone deaf when we live with relational noise long enough. We tune out negativity, discouragement, and distraction. We train ourselves to live with mediocrity. We need to take an inventory and perhaps use our Rottweiler voice to clear the air.

I am a product of the television era. At five Howdy Doody and Uncle Bob entertained us. I learned to do my homework with Dick Clark in the background. Even today, it provides company as I live alone. I learn to shut it out, but frequently a commercial comes on with a pitch so ridiculous it breaks through my hearing. As I spent time writing recently, an ad for “right sized toilets” came through. How can you not stop and listen? They figured out how to use their Rottweiler voice to capture my attention.

Women learn the effective use of voice placement to successfully compete. “Shrill, whiney, grating” are words often used to describe many female voices. Well-modulated, well-placed vocal expressions get attention without irritating. Speaking to be heard is incredibly important. Barking may work for dogs, but not for women (or men for that matter).

Let’s employ our authoritative voices as we mature socially and professionally. Let’s listen to our own voices as we seek to make wise choices.

Brenda’s Blog – May 3, 2016

“They are talking so fast I can’t get the words to go into my ears.”

My grandson’s comment made me laugh. Then it made me stop and think. How many times have I had trouble “getting the words into my ears?” The barriers of dialect, rhythm, decibel level, content, or even interest made it hard for me to transform sound waves into recognizable words.

Mom and I loved watching the British comedies together. We laughed over and over at Hyacinth’s insistence on pronouncing her surname “Bouquet” rather than the naturally assumed pronunciation of their name “Bucket” as it was spelled. It never got old. Dad, however, did not enjoy them because he said he just couldn’t understand the words. His ears were not attuned to the high pitched, British voice.

In one version of the Bible the word “listen” is found 420 times; the word “hear” 1384 times. In contrast, the word “speak” is found 541 times. Listening is regarded as an important skill, at least to the Biblical authors.

Charles Stanley is a renowned Baptist preacher from Atlanta. Part of his delivery style is the sudden “LISTEN!” which he integrates frequently into his sermon. He emphasizes his points with punch.

“He who has ears to hear…” is a common Biblical phrase. Listening and hearing are important elements for mature, healthy people.

Listening is a significant topic in training classes. We are taught to “be present” at all times, alert and engaged.

That is hard, isn’t it? My mind likes to take its own road trips at times. Sincere listening is an expression of respect. But it isn’t always easy. Like most skills, it deserves attention and practice.

The next time you have a hard time getting the words in, think about honing your earfulness.

Brenda’s Blog – April 19, 2016

“He told me I forgot to nod, so I made sure I didn’t make that mistake again.”

My fifteen year old grandson and I are reenactors. Yes, at 72 I have found my calling! He and I are members of Neeley’s Roughnecks, an artillery group. We have uniforms and travel as many as six hours to participate in Civil War events.

Colby loves the jerk position – the one who wears the lanyard and applies the primer which then results in the explosion. (If any of you are cannoneers, forgive me if I lack the correct terminology). In simple terms – he makes the gun go “boom!” There is a very precise protocol for each position.

On Saturday he worked on a different cannon with a different officer (gunner). For one of the firings he missed one step and was reminded of the steps. Rather than chafe under the correction, he recognized the misstep and immediately worked to correct it. He did not miss one step the rest of the day.

The Bible tells us to “study to show ourselves approved.” We are not to be people who merely shoot from the hip. (Pardon the imagery) We are to be disciplined, prepared, and ready for action. Sloppy habits and lackadaisical behaviors are not marks of leaders. I grew up hearing “pay the price” as the byword for readiness.

How we accept correction is a sign of our character. If we bow our backs and refuse to change, we are immature and will diminish our growth. Those who are truly concerned about our progress will point out mistakes not to gloat or criticize but keep us aligned with our goal to be our best.

A key element in this situation was the credibility of the one bringing the correction. Colby had respect for the man’s experience, training, and knowledge. He trusted the ability of this officer to know how to perform at the highest levels. And in knowing this, he readily accepted the admonishment and succeeded.

“There are partyers and larners.”

The woman carefully instructed the young college student. “You are going to find partyers (holding up her left hand) and larners(holding up her right hand.) Her twang and emphasis on “larners: caught my attention. She went on to tell him one day the partyers will be here (lowering her left hand) and the larners will be here (raising her right hand).

The student sat quietly and then said, “I guess I am a larner.” She smiled broadly.

She wasn’t a professor. In her conversation, she told him she didn’t even have a high school diploma. BUT, she was so very wise. And the visual way she expressed her point got his attention. He was feeling down because he didn’t feel he belonged at the school. After their talk he walked away convinced he was indeed a “larner” and that he would one day be on the side of the upraised hand.

My Dad used to talk to me about “paying the price” for accomplishment. There is sacrifice attached to achievement.

We choose our groups and we then choose the results. Decisions have consequences and outcomes. Certainly, those who opt for partying can change course and grow up, but those who walk the path of “larning” rarely regret it.

I walked away thankful for that woman whose formal education was quite limited, but her life experiences and wisdom had great depth. It encouraged me to take time to sit down with younger ones, listening to their stories and supporting them in their journey.

And it challenged me to continue stretching – for “larning” doesn’t have an end point.

“How long’s it been since you tuned your piano?”

When I was eight my parents bought me a Baldwin Acrosonic piano. It became a dear and faithful friend. By the time I gave it to a young seminary wife whose dream was owning a piano this instrument had thousands of moving miles wrapped around its strings.

Ten years ago a new Baldwin piano joined me – this time a grand with a glorious sound. We immediately bonded. Losing intonation was a red flag – my piano was displaying a distress signal.

This week I found an outstanding tuner whose sensitive ear and touch restored the sounding board to its optimum level. As soon as he left I sat down to play. The robust, clear sound thrilled me.

As I ran up and down the keyboard I started thinking about the necessity for my own tuning. Are there times when someone asks me, “How long has it been since you were tuned?” What does it take to carefully check each string, to make sure the tension is well-adjusted? Who can help listen and tweak motivations, decisions, and actions?

When we fail to stop and assess, our lives can start sounding a bit tinny. We begin to sound a bit off.

A great pianist once said, “When I don’t practice one day I know; two days and my coach knows; three days and everyone knows.” A life well-tuned is the same way. We can slowly grow out of tune and eventually everyone knows.

Is it time for a tuning fork? Stop before the rest of the world grimaces! Begin the joy of perfect intonation.

Brenda’s Blog – March 8, 2016

“Do you love me – now that I can dance?”

As a child of the 50s and 60s, I grew up with rock and roll… the real stuff… the “Rock Around The Clock” type. When ads for nostalgic record collections play, I temporarily drift back to high school dances. And then almost immediately I think of my yearbook with smiling faces of “Best Dancers.” My picture wasn’t there.

We grew up in the golden age of peacetime economic growth and promise. We received advantages unafforded to any other generation. We thrived – but we learned about behavior modification and manipulation.

“Do you love me (do you love me); Do you love me (do you love me); Do you love me – now that I can dance?” Our music didn’t advocate drug use, misogynistic philosophies, or violence, but messages of people pleasing washed over us.

Young women sat by phones on weekends mimicking Vikki Carr’s prayer:” Let it please be him, oh dear God, it must be him, it must be him; or I shall die, or I shall die.” Messages of women without men as losers plagued and punished us. We bought into the simplistic rules of “The Book of Love.”

Thankfully, we learned we wouldn’t die and we learned that dancing wasn’t the only road to love and happiness.

Sadly, performance based relationships didn’t disappear with the demise of these heart wrenching ballads. When I took my first corporate position this advice was given to me: “Know what makes Papa smile and know what makes Papa frown.”

Understanding personality and communication styles is a healthy skill; sacrificing personal development and adopting a false persona to advance is unhealthy.

Finding your own path and eschewing the roads strewn with people pleasing traps is part of the maturing processing. If you are a dancer, swing on, but not because it brings love, but because it brings great joy.

Where do you shine? Where is your “best” picture? Identify and personify – find success because you are the very best “you.”

Brenda’s Blog – February 23, 2016

“You know you want me!”

The table tent card featured a mini chocolate Bundt cake dripping with rich, chocolate frosting. The photo was enticing and the words made me laugh – then think. Some ad agency definitely had the pulse of the American consuming public. “I want it and I want it right now!”

Delayed gratification is apparently outmoded. Waiting to satisfy a want is passé. We are trained to want and to want immediately. Does this build character? I think not. There is a healthy element to waiting.

A couple lost a great deal of their assets. They sought counsel in dealing with the ramifications. An unexpected one was the reaction of those they counted as friends. They were no longer included – as if their financial misfortunes were a communicable disease. The other seemed to be illogical, but made great sense to them. “We are behind on our spending.” Getting what they wanted when they wanted it was a normal pattern of life. To suspend their consumerism made them feel off balance.

HGTV runs stories of couples in all economic brackets buying houses. No longer do they look for utility and houses “they can live with until they can afford to upgrade.” Too often a young couple avers, “Oh, we couldn’t live with this – this is a total gut job.” They believe they deserve the finest amenities, finishes, and features. Starter homes exist only in realtor ads. If they had the money, that might make sense, but too often they are going into deep debt.

Strong leaders know how to set a long range vision with short term mile markers. They know how to motivate others to reach for more than just the immediate. They understand the value of plans which will build a solid foundation. Grabbing the immediate often undercuts the delayed payoff.

Yes, that cake looked delicious; yes, it would have tasted great. But it wasn’t the time and it wasn’t worth the money. One day it may be, but not that morning.