Challenge Yourself to Grow

Weekly Thought – April 16, 2024

Fred considered growth a spiritual stewardship. His friend Charlie “Tremendous” Jones always told people “except for the people, the places you go, and the books you read, your life will be the same in five years as it is today.” Fred challenged others to include reading, travel, and association as building blocks for growth.

Challenge Yourself to Grow

Some people with 20 years’ experience may really only have one year’s experience repeated twenty times. Often people close their lives to expansion. They eat in the same places; they repeat the same activities; and they follow the same routines. I am not sure whether it’s because they’ve truly found the best or whether they simply reach a level of comfort, get habitual, and fail to see how big, wonderful, and varied life can be. Maybe they are like the man who all his life wanted to own a bass fiddle, finally got one, brought it home, and sawed away on one note all the time. His wife couldn’t stand it any longer and asked why in the world he didn’t learn another note. With amazement he answered, “They run their hand up and down the fret board playing different notes because they are hunting, but I’ve already found it!” Think of people who never play the rich variety of tones that are available because they have found the one note that works for them.

I’ve been concerned about the boredom I see, particularly among affluent women. I don’t think they realize all of their activities are just variations of the same theme. I once saw a documentary on the social season in Palm Beach, FL. The non-stop party schedule was all in the name of one charity or another. But the socialites had to engage social secretaries just to get them to the right party at the right time in the right attire. Even when doing good this hyperactivity results in meaningless and boredom unless the people have finally just given up and considered this “the right note.”

Early in my speaking career I spoke with a New York social maven as she described her restrictive life I thought about growing up in the mill district of North Nashville. She was incarcerated in a life built of gold bars. The slums knew bars, also, but they were the iron ones enclosing prison cells. Both were locked in. After hearing her I decided, right then, that I would not ever live like that. Creating quality experiences means staying free. From my earliest life I wanted to own myself. Unfortunately I see people with a sign on them, “For sale.” Unfortunately, they think the high life is living. But, that is dying. When we don’t grow, we shrink. My life mission is stated very simply: “He stretched other.” And, I want that to be true to the last breath stretching myself, as well.

This week carefully consider: 1) Where have I mistaken concrete for roots? 2) How can I stretch this week? 3) When do I feel most alive?

Words of Wisdom: “Some people with twenty years’ experience actually have one year’s experience repeated twenty times.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the honor both now and on that eternal day.” (2 Peter 3:18 NET Bible)

Motivation or Manipulation?

Weekly Thought – April 9, 2024

Fred liked to say he was allergic to manipulation. His discernment was highly developed and those who tried to impress him in order to achieve their goals usually failed quickly. Motivation, on the other hand, was a skill he highly regarded.

Motivation or Manipulation?

Motivation is getting people to do something with mutual advantage. Manipulation is getting people to do what you want them to do, primarily for personal advantage. If the other person benefits, it is purely secondary. Manipulation carries a hidden agenda whereas motivation is open about the goal. When motivating you can be totally honest.

We know that there is a fine line to be walked. All of us agree that motivation is good while manipulation is bad. But sometimes only a fine line separates the two and it can be difficult to know exactly which side of the line you are on. The issues aren’t always clear cut… what may be a legitimate source of motivation in one situation could be manipulation – intent matters. What is the driver?

For example, I dislike eggplant and won’t willingly or knowingly eat it. What if Mary Alice decided to add it into a familiar casserole which I eat without question then compliment her on it? “Oh, I am glad you liked it. It was eggplant.” Alright, was that motivation because she knew it was good for me, or manipulation because she knew I would not try it if I knew before lifting my fork?

In an interesting evening of conversation with a group of friends in Minnesota one chided me, “You businessmen exchange and mistake manipulation for motivation.” This renown psychiatrist enjoyed poking “us businessmen.” “Okay, doc what is the difference?” “If you can substitute the word it works with motivation, but not with manipulation.” He was saying to check and see if we are satisfying someone’s thirst or whether we are meeting our own needs. One is motivational while the other is manipulative. Since that evening I have found the principle to be helpful. I can motivate with integrity when I am bringing to consciousness a genuine thirst.

Care must be taken in trying to “uncover a thirst.” When we attempt to do this without the other person’s awareness , we are pushing that thin line. To be helpful we can try to bring out an unrecognized latent desire, but we need to remember three things: 1) recognize how close we are to manipulation; 2) set a checkpoint and if our technique doesn’t produce a genuine thirst, then stop; 3) never resort to immoral means even for righteous ends.

Instilling motivation is hard work. I sometimes hear people say, “well, if a person doesn’t want to go or grow, then I don’t have the right to try to get him there.” I have no right to manipulate, but neither can I allow the fear of crossing the line to be a rationalization for not doing the hard work of instilling motivation. After all, this is one of a leader’s most important tasks.

This week carefully consider: 1) How tempted am I to manipulate to get even short term results? 2) What is my most effective way of motivating? 3) Who is a model for motivation, not manipulation?

Words of Wisdom: “Manipulation carries a hidden agenda; motivation can be open about the goal.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So get rid of all evil and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.” (1 Peter 2:1 NET Bible)

Appreciation is a Gift

Weekly Thought – April 2, 2024

Fred often quoted Canadian Hans Selye, author of Stress without Distress. Dr. Selye, in his study on emotions found gratitude as the healthiest emotion. Fred’s respect for the work influenced his thinking and speaking.

Appreciation is a Gift

Once I was asked to speak at the graduation of a drug center in which those who completed the program asked another participant to come stand with him as he received his certificate. His gratitude for the support and friendship was clear. Then another walked up to be recognized. As he did I noticed a woman perk up. She was fortyish, very tired looking, and poorly dressed. The stress showed on her face. When this young man spoke, he thanked the institution, his sponsor, then stopped and turned to speak directly to this woman. “Thanks, Mom.” Her tears began. That may have been the first time he had thanked his mother for all she had come through with him. The gift of appreciation was experienced by both of them that day.

Throughout my business career I’ve been impressed with the importance of assistants so I have tried to get to know them personally. Just last week while I was waiting for my friend, the CEO of a large Dallas company, his executive assistant came out to visit with me while I waited. He had previously told me how much he appreciated her and how capable she was. When I told her what he said, she responded, “You mean he said that about me?” She paused and repeated, “He really said that about me? I can’t believe it!” He appreciated her greatly but simply failed to let her know. He held in his hand a gift but never gave it to her.

When I sat down to type for the first time in several weeks I found a piece of paper in my antique Selectric typewriter.
“Grandfather, whenever you get this, know that I love you. Thank you for your support and continual love. You mean a lot to me.” It wasn’t signed, but it didn’t need to be.

Mary Alice and I were attending an out of town meeting. Before it started we were shaking hands. A woman we didn’t know walked up to introduce herself. All of a sudden, her eyes lit up and she grabbed Mary Alice’s hand. “You are Fred, Jr.’s mother, aren’t you? I will never be able to express my appreciation to him for he kept our son from failing. He didn’t give up, even when our son didn’t seem worth the effort.” Our son Fred had been more than a teacher – he had given this young man the gift of encouragement. Her appreciation was then a gift to Mary Alice.

My good friend Zig Ziglar loves to say, “Catch somebody doing something good…and let them know.” That is the key to making appreciation an everyday habit.

This week think about: 1) Who can I encourage through appreciation this week? 2) What tells me I am appreciated? 3) Why do you think gratitude is a healthy emotion?

Words of Wisdom: “Appreciation is a gift we can give.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Hezekiah expressed his appreciation to all the Levites, who demonstrated great skill in serving the LORD. “ (2 Chronicles 30:22(a) NET Bible)

The Permanent Parent

Weekly Thought – March 26, 2024

Fred admitted to his uncomfortable role as father to young ones. However, as the three grew they all developed relationships with him which endured. In his now-famous “last words” delivered at his own memorial service he made the startling statement: “I want to leave my children loving and respecting me, not needing me.” He and Mary Alice gave them lessons which prepared them for their absence and for their everlasting future together.

The Permanent Parent

Our heavenly father is permanent. He brings us into a forever relationship. God creates a bond which cannot be broken because it is fixed. Scripture says “no one can take them out of my hand.” He is a forever parent, never contingent or conditional.

In 1993 we celebrated our 56th anniversary and stopped in Austin to have lunch with a life-long pastoral friend. He told us of a woman who had been in counseling for over 20 years. She was still struggling with the failure to ever please her father. She was a good student who brought home high marks only to hear “Don’t they give any A+ grades down there?” She was crushed. Our relationship with God is not like that one. Our acceptance is based strictly on His love.

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is expressed by the Apostle Paul: “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” When our daughter Brenda went to college she lettered that verse on a card and added “nor Denison University” recognizing that no place could be strong enough to shake the permanent nature of God’s hold.

Maturity brings us into this permanent relationship with God the father. There is an intimacy in the perfect relationship. But I have found that intimacy cannot be planned. It cannot be a task or a number one priority. Intimate conversation has to come about naturally. All we can do is give it the opportunity, the honesty, and openness to appreciate it when it does come. Confidence in the permanence of the relationship whether spiritual or human creates a platform from which intimacy can grow. When we are secure in the enduring quality we have the freedom to open up. Prayer grows as we know Him – and understand that we are known.

On a human basis, I find the perfect human relationship is when we gain mutual respect for each other. We become each other’s teacher and mentor. I now recognize my children are able to teach me just as much as I am able to teach them… and sometimes more. This lesson is taught through shared lives, trusting experiences, and lifelong work. The children occasionally thank me for the lessons I have learned in parenting. They comment that I have done a fair job of “reparenting.” As God parents me and I understand His patterns and principles I can apply them in the family. Thankfully He does a more consistent job than I do because I always have a permanent and perfect model to follow.

This week carefully ponder: 1) How deeply do I desire to know God as a father? 2) What Biblical principles can I apply to my family life? 3) When do I most enjoy parenting?

Words of Wisdom: “Our heavenly father is a permanent parent.”
Wisdom from the Word: “See what sort of love the Father has given to us: that we should be called God’s children – and indeed we are!” (1 John 3:1 NET Bible)

The Perseverance Effect

Weekly Thought – March 19, 2024

Fred saw perseverance as the bedrock of a strong character. He frequently quoted Romans 3:3-5 substituting the word “perseverance” for “endurance.” “…We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame.”

The Perseverance Effect

Character is built through perseverance. In Romans 5 we see the process that moves from a position of grace through tribulation and suffering to perseverance and on to character which gives us great hope. Today’s society emphasizes personality and intelligence as the critical elements. But no, it is character for it is the seat of our values – the custodian of our will. You have heard me say before I am convinced the most major failures are ones of character breakdown, not of personality or intelligence.

During a losing season with the Dallas Mavericks Norm Sonju publicly stated that this was the “season of the north side of the tree.” Do you know where we got that phrase? A leading boat manufacturer advertised that they made their hulls from lumber that came from the northside having survived the battering of weather. My friend and mentor Maxey Jarman referred to business downturns as “times that burn the fat off our soul.” Perseverance and character don’t coexist with fat souls.

Character tells us where we will stand on issues, for how long, and at what price. Oswald Chambers warns that if we can’t take the small test we will inevitably fail the large one. Many fool themselves into thinking that they fail the small, but will triumph in the big ones… it just won’t happen. Character is determined by who we are becoming through our choices, our experiences, and our accomplishments. This is the totality of decisions – not just the winning ones.

The Apostle Paul cites the process beginning with suffering. In my experience I have seen trouble speed character development. Prosperity is generally not the soil of great perseverance or of character. In fact, it is a well known fact that no person nor society can endure continuous prosperity. As we rightly experience our valleys we learn the place of prayer, the power of scripture, and the presence of the Spirit. In Isaiah we read “I will give you the treasures of darkness.” God is an artist who paints with both light and dark colors.

Malcolm Muggeridge replied when asked about the value of suffering responded: “Everything I have learned in my seventy-five years, everything that truly enhanced and enlightened my existence, has been through affliction and not happiness. If affliction were eliminated, it would not make life delectable but banal and trivial.”

This week think about: 1) How am I using the dark times to build character? 2) Who is watching me handle difficulties? 3) When have I experienced the hope which is the result of the process?

Words of Wisdom: “Character is built through perseverance.”

Wisdom from the Word: “As a result we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and afflictions you are enduring.” (2 Thessalonians 1:4 NET Bible)

Benefits of Aging

Weekly Thought – March 12, 2024

Fred served as mentor to leaders throughout North America. One, Dr. Ramesh Richard, considered him his “wise old owl” and brought an owl figurine from his proclamation and training journeys worldwide. They were displayed in his bedroom where he could see them from his hospital bed. On his death they were returned to Dr. Richard to distribute as a blessing.

Benefits of Aging

I think that it is important to look at some of the benefits of getting older.

1) Selective tension- Older people are usually tense over important things, not over everything. So many young people maintain such a high level of stress they have no peaks and valleys. There was a time when golf consumed my time. My memory and quickness seemed to wane. In checking with a psychiatrist friend (on a non-professional basis) he told me the brain is a muscle and I had put too much leisure into my schedule. “Bring back some constructive tension and you will improve.” I did – and it did!
2) Clarified values. In aging I agree with the philosopher who says that who we are influences our happiness much more than what we have. As we grow older we have the opportunity to sort through our value system. One caveat: as we clarify we are tempted to force our value structures on younger people. They haven’t had the experiences and growth which matures so imposing our “wisdom” on them can create relational chafing.
3) Experience. Proverbs 20:29 says “The glory of young men is their strength; of old men their experience.” We can take knowledge, run it through the press of experience, and out comes a powerful concentrate – wisdom. Faith is better than experience because it doesn’t come with the scars. In my estimation faith and experience can lead to the same destination. The older I get, the more faith looks like the best path.
4) Increased excitement. The last minutes of a sporting event generate tremendous excitement. I once sat in the pit with one of the Indy 500 crews. The last 100 miles were “the reason for the first 400.” All the experiences, friends, association, and education are consummated in these last years.
5) Tested Relationships. As we grow older, relationships mature. We have tested our friendship over the years and know which ones will hold and which ones will always be tentative. We learn to trust people with whom we can talk confidentially. They’re real. And it’s a wonderful thing to know we will probably be neighbors in heaven.
6) Death is part of life. The great hope of heaven is that I will know the full truth. I think it is important as we go along through life to create certain thirsts that death will satisfy. For example, the thirst for truth, immortality, knowing God, and renewing relationships with those who have gone ahead. You start developing these in your teens, feed and nurture them, and then when the time comes it becomes a graduation.

This week carefully consider: 1) How well am I managing my aging process? 2) What interests are stimulating my brain? 3) Who models finishing well for me?

Words of Wisdom: “Aging has definable benefits.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man who had lived a full life.” (Genesis 25:8 NET Bible)

Fear Can Be Beaten

Weekly Thought – March 5, 2024

Fred was considered a mentor by countless young business men – many of whom he met when speaking on college campuses. One was Jarrell McCracken, founder of Word Books and Records. In this excerpt of vintage 1960 material Fred speaks to their national sales force.

Fear Can Be Beaten

As I see it fear is one of the two biggest problems in sales; discouragement is the other. I can give you a lot of quick, easy answers, but they have a problem – they don’t work. They make wonderful articles and sell well, but are actually only aspirin tablets.

Tonight I don’t want to talk about aspirin. I want to talk about the causes of fear and to overcome it. You don’t have fear? Don’t kid me or yourself – all salesmen have fear.

Let me sum up the five of the basic reasons for the “why” of fear:

1) People will find out we’re insincere. Layden Stroud, one of the foremost insurance men in Dallas always says “people don’t care how much I know until they know how much I care.’
2) We are there for selfish reasons. Who is uppermost in our mind – the good of the prospect or the personal value of the sale? Great salesmen believe when they leave the client genuine value has been contributed.
3) Our pride gets hurt when we tell someone we are salesmen and they immediately say “no.” When meeting someone for the first time how do you answer their question,” What do you do?”
4) We don’t have adequate knowledge. An old training adage is “he who stops learning stops getting better.” Prospects know when we know – and when we don’t.
5) We haven’t done our homework and we are unprepared for the appointment. It is said that the successful do what the unsuccessful are unwilling to do. Good luck is where preparation and opportunity intersect. Fear often evaporates in the heat of solid preparation.

I am convinced fear is selfishness; fear is pride; and fear is ignorance. Therefore, fear is wrong. The Bible tells us we are not given the spirit of fear. And also we read that perfect love casts out fear.

Confidence and fear can come from the same root. For example, many of my friends know I love sports cars. We had one delivered the other day and I drove my wife over to Petersburg, Virginia. I love to put a car through its paces in the mountains. I was doing some curves (quiet, gentle ones, of course) thoroughly enjoying the car’s performance. Mary Alice who does not share my enthusiasm began showing nervousness. In our many years of marriage and road trips we have encountered several thousand curves without any trouble. This has given me confidence. However, for Mary Alice it has increased her fear. She figures the law of averages says an accident is due; I believe this record gives experience and confidence. If you think: “Boy, I’ve sold four out of the last five customers I’m bound to lose the next few, this is fear. But if you say, “Boy, I’ve sold four out of the last five I have quite a streak going!” That is an experience-based, confident approach.

Fear is a reality, but it doesn’t have to immobilize. Check carefully on your sincerity, your motivation, your preparation, and your pride. Are you convinced what you are doing is a fair exchange for your time and energy because you and your products were there? If so, then you can go in faith, not fear. You can have the spirit of confidence, not cowardice.

This week think carefully about: 1) I may not be in professional sales, but I how can these principles apply to my career? 2) What situation has created fear for me lately? 3) How genuinely prepared am I for my day to day interactions with others?

Words of Wisdom: “I am convinced fear is selfishness; fear is pride; and fear is ignorance. Therefore, fear is wrong.”

Wisdom from the Word: “For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NET Bible)

Qualities of Worship

Weekly Thought February 27, 2024

Fred grew up as a – PK (preacher’s kid) which often sent mixed messages about the church. One thing sustained him – the reality of worship. The greatness of God and his awe for the Father never diminished.

Qualities of Worship

What do you think about worship? Here are some of mine through the years.

1) Quiet creates an atmosphere of reverence. Some of my deepest experiences of worship have come in empty churches. Whether it was downtown Chicago, the mountains of Colorado, rural Mexico, or Europe I have gone into churches alone just to sit and worship God quietly. One night in Colorado I stood outside with nothing but starlight illumination. Out loud I asked “How big is God?”

2) In worship we establish a proper position to God. The poem “Invictus” is not my creed. I am NOT the master of my fate; I am not the captain of my soul. God is my Father, Christ is my Savior – He is my Lord. In prayer we position ourselves in humility. It is interesting to me that I have never found a place in scripture where we are told to pray for humility – we are commanded to humble ourselves – We position ourselves in gratitude in worship… not only for the things we have received but for the many unknowing times of protection. We understand our position by faith. And we position ourselves in submission. “I am the vine; you are the branches” Jesus tells us.

3) In worship I evaluate myself. The worshipper’s view of life is the ultimate perspective – revealing and reversing our earthly take. The ultimate challenges us to consider the warning on the car’s side mirror: images in this mirror are larger and closer than they appear. Our eternal position is actually nearer and way larger than we imagine it to be. To live with an eternal perspective alters our priorities.

I think that possibly our children and our grandchildren are one ultimate way we evaluate ourselves. Last night, one of our granddaughters and her friend were at the house about midnight baking cookies (a glass of milk, a dozen cookies, and a granddaughter is about as good as life gets). And I said to her, “Ultimately my life will be evaluated more by our children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren than by any other factor of my life.”

4) In worship we lose ourselves. I think “turn ourselves loose” is a better way of putting it. While walking on the gulf beach and studying a shell I picked up I was caught up in the awe and wonder of God. I was briefly distracted by a man who struck up a casual conversation. It quickly moved from “how are you?” to “who are you?” and it became competitive. I lost my focus for when I was looking at the shell and the ocean and thinking of God I turned loose of everything but worship. When my “Type A friend” came by jockeying for position I turned my focus back onto myself… a loss. In true worship I am “lost in the majesty of God.”

Worship is recognizing who He is and who I am in Christ. Worship is the natural response of my heart to a right relationship with myself, with Him, and with others.

This week carefully consider: 1) Where do I experience true worship? 2) What causes me to stop in wonder and awe? 3) How can I pause this week to truly worship?

Words of Wisdom: “Quiet creates an atmosphere of reverence.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The man bowed his head and worshiped the LORD,” (Genesis 24:26 NET Bible)

Life Lessons

Weekly Thoughts – February 20, 2024

Fred asked questions – not just random, shallow ones, but queries which went deep to the heart of situations. When there were problems to solve he asked questions to break up the “log jam.” His philosophy was very simple: “ask a question the person wants to answer.” This week the thought features two questions Fred liked to ask himself.

Life Lessons

I have spent my life asking questions. I always work to find the key question. Here are two that I have meant a lot to me in my development.

1) Does my will control my feelings? Integrity is more a matter of the will than those of feelings. Certainly feelings are important for without them are mechanical. We are unable to connect with others through empathy or compassion. They are great implementors but poor leaders. Our will must control our feelings. The will is the single most distinguishing feature of our character. I was fortunate enough to have a Mother with an indomitable will. In spite of many physical disabilities, she persevered, often quoting Galatians 6:9: Be not weary in well doing, for in due season you shall reap if you faint not.” Leadership demands a strong will – not a selfish or stubborn will but a determined will to do what needs doing. By will we overcome our yen for pleasure and our satisfaction with mediocrity. There is a will which the leader must give to them in the organization who lack it. This does not blind us to the importance of emotion. It does, however, wring out the rationalization and procrastination that can attack us. Our will, not our feelings must be charged with the ultimate responsibility for our actions.

2) Is grace real for me? The great saints knew grace was genuine, real, personal, and palpable. Brother Lawrence, Frank Laubach, Francis Fenelon all had no doubt that they were the constant recipients of God’s amazing grace. It was a practical part of their everyday life. For example, Brother Lawrence said that when he made a mistake he didn’t spend any time thinking about it — he simply confessed it and continued on. He told God that without Him falling is natural. Before I read that, I lingered over guilt, thinking “immediate grace is too good to be true.” Brother Lawrence’s experience and counsel greatly released me. Nevertheless legalism appeals to our human nature. I must remind myself that the very Scripture that makes me know my guilt lets me know God’s grace. By refusing grace we play God and punish ourselves. We then view events as punishment; we redefine discipline. In reality it isn’t discipline – just the natural consequences. Mistakenly, we inject our own reading of it as God’s judgment. Why? Because we feel we deserve judgment rather than grace. Grace brings freedom. If only we could accept it fully, then we, like Brother Lawrence, could admit failure, accept forgiveness, and keep on to make forward progress. Such grace cannot be deserved. When I forget that it is a gift and available, I lose its power, depth, and richness until I stop and understand that “he who is forgiven much, loves much.”

This week carefully consider: 1) What are key questions I ask myself? 2) How would I evaluate the ratio between will and feeling in my decision making? 3)When is grace most evident to me?

Words of Wisdom: “I must remind myself that the very Scripture that makes me know my guilt lets me know God’s grace.”

Wisdom from the Word: “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” (Colossians 6:9 NET Bible)

Take A Note and Ask a Question

Weekly Thought – February 13, 2024

Fred, in his mid-to-late twenties, met Maxey Jarman. That introduction grew into a lifelong friendship. A job offer and years of learning under Mr. Jarman and other strong, wise men helped Fred set a path for accomplishment.

Take A Note and Ask a Question

One form of mentoring helps the mentoree define the principles of living. Recently a young man said to me, “Mr. Smith, my grandfather was everything to me. He loved me and he taught me how to live.” That young man was surely blessed by a relationship like that. As we look at lifestyle mentoring in scripture, we think of Paul and Timothy. From the text we don’t know how much technical “how to be a missionary” time was spent between them. But we do know Paul was an excellent sponsor – a father in the faith. He allowed Timothy to work with him, observing, and absorbing. The words of Paul to Timothy were pointed and key to establishing healthy life patterns.

For years Zig Ziglar and I meet regularly to talk. Without fail the first thing Zig does is pull out his notepad and pen even though his memory for material is far better than most. I told him I was writing about mentoring and he said, “Be sure and tell the person being mentored to take notes. No one should trust his memory with anything this important.” Another friend, Dr. Ramesh Richard always puts his electronic notetaker on the table when we begin talking. “Mr. Smith, I have a completed recorded file of all our conversations.” For forty years as I worked with Maxey Jarman first as his employee, to a trusted consultant, fellow Christian board member, friend, and confidante I wrote down everything I saw him do or say that I thought was key. I was continually learning and wanted to remember both the principles and the illustrations.

Having a lifestyle mentoring relationship is not the same as a skill-based, or situational mentorship. This one focuses on a long time walking with another. The mentor is to be open, real, and to consistently personify their values before the young mentoree. Asking questions is a significant part of this process. One man with whom I have an ongoing conversation always comes prepared with questions to ask me before I enter that “senile eclipse.” (Editor’s note: Bill Glass, who considered Fred a mentor for 60 years came to the ICU for his last visit with Fred notebook and pen in hand. “I still have some questions for Fred,” he told the family in the waiting room.)

The mentor must provide a comfortable environment in which the mentoree feels free to ask any questions he considers needed. These may be questions about the mentor’s life or situations that may be coming. Questions like: “What were the major decisions in your life? What were the circumstances? What were the principles involved? How did you evaluate the outcome?” The more probing the questions, the better the learning.

A good mentor never ridicules a question. The mentor may choose to not answer, but must never ridicule for that shuts off the pump which produces the flow.

Lifestyle mentoring is coming alongside another for the purpose of learning and development. This won’t be the ordinary process. In fact, it will be reserved for very few, but for the right combination it provides an opportunity for a mentor to pass on more than techniques. As Paul said to Timothy, take what you are learning from me and build it into the lives of others who will then teach. Lifestyle mentoring is an effective method of torch passing.

This week carefully consider: 1) Who do I seek out for meaningful conversations? 2) What questions should I be asking a mentor?3) How can I become available to learners?

Words of Wisdom: “The mentor must provide a comfortable atmosphere in which questions can be freely asked.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Let the wise also hear and gain instruction, and let the discerning acquire guidance! (Proverbs 1:5 NET Bible)

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