Weekly Thought – April 15, 2014

Fred commented: “Parenting changes from managerial to relational as the family grows older.”  Later on, he remarked, “I have moved from being an authority figure to a consultant with my children.”  He enjoyed that role.  As an executive, he had difficulty leaving his management style at the office, but he tried.  Especially as he aged, he appreciated the value of relationship for its sake alone.  This week’s thought is unusual – it is a letter written from Fred to Howard E. Butt, a life-long friend.

Keep on praying for Taylor University and the strong team gathering on the campus April 24, 25.  Pray for those who come from Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky, and Texas to participate in our inter-generational ministry of connection.

Dear Howard

Howard – I’m beginning to see the family in a very different light.  The family’s primary function is a relationship to create loving relations and secondarily a production unit for developing mature individuals.  It is different from the plant, where production is primary and relation is secondary.  One hopes, and I believe it is possible, to have both functions running together smoothly, each complementing the other.  However, until we understand which is primary and which is secondary, we are not able to make a good, objective decision when one conflicts with the other.

Howard, you can’t believe what is happening as I’m writing these words to you.  Mary Alice is knocking on the door, wanting to know if I want to go to McDonald’s with Brenda, Mary Helen, and our four grandchildren.  I believe the Lord is testing me as to my sincerity, for you know that isn’t exactly what I want to do right now.  Yet, if I’m going to change according to my new knowledge, I must take leave of you and finish the letter when I get back.  (more…)

Weekly Thought – April 1, 2014

Fred lived a long life so he saw the death of many friends. He experienced loss. In his later years a friend cut ties with Fred because he misunderstood a situation. They were never reconciled. Fred suffered this break. Interestingly enough, he dealt with it using the same steps he wrote about 30 years earlier.

Often we hear “Fred’s words hit home this week. They were just what I needed.” It reinforces what Fred always said, “Principles never change – just the illustrations.” It is our privilege to keep Fred’s principle-based thinking available.

When Friendships Die

When friendships die – and they do – life goes on. It should go on in the best way possible. Neither should stagger through life as if they lost a limb. I have found these seven helpful:

1) Admit it, without recrimination. When we are sure a person is dead, we bury the corpse. We go through the stages of grief, and expect to end up as mature individuals. The loss of a friendship prompts a grief response. Placing blame hinders healthy healing.

2) Don’t let the rejection make enemies. Just as we are honored to be chosen as a friend, we are deeply hurt to be rejected. Though it may be natural, we cannot allow the meaner nature make an enemy of our former friend.

3) Keep confidences received during friendship. Your very self-respect depends on this one. Divulging confidences ends in guilt-producing consequences. And frankly, such actions can lead to reprisals. The death of a friendship is bad enough without opening doors for continuing bitterness.    (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 25, 2014

Fred believed in the value of psychic space.  He carefully respected these lines we draw to protect ourselves.  A woman once came up to Fred after a speech to ask a question.  Fred responded with another query.  She expressed great anger.  A psychiatrist friend explained he had violated her psychic space.  Friendships negotiate space and the masks we wear to fortress our inner selves.

Want to know more about the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute?  There are two great places to understand more: 1) Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute page on Facebook and 2) bwfli.com   See faces, read stories, and acquaint yourself with Fred’s ongoing legacy.

The Importance of Masks

Dealing with masks is a critical element of friendship.  They must be understood and appreciated.

We all wear masks.  We all hide areas of our lives from public view. When we think of them we sometimes feel guilt, anxiety, hurt, and even fear as we think about being exposed.  We don’t want everyone to see or know the deepest parts of ourselves.

Friendship allows us to begin the process of unmasking.  We take test drives on lifting the mask, judging the reaction of another – dipping our toe into the psychological waters.  “Are they shocked?  Are they empathetic? Are they nonchalant?”  We peek out little by little.

Masks are like bandages.  Small ones cover scrapes; rolls of gauze cover serious wounds.  We create them to adequately protect the sensitive part of our life – the part we don’t want to open to criticism or ridicule.  We don’t even want to lift the bandage to see the hurt ourselves.    (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 18, 2014

Fred was asked the “secret” of his friendships with so many substantial and influential people, especially since he had no educational background or social pedigree that would create those natural alliances.  “I want nothing from them and they can trust me.”  He once said, “When I die years of confidences will go with me.” 

He valued the confidence of others, as well.  His faithful secretary Margie Keith listened to his thinking for hundreds of hours as she transcribed his tapes.  She never disclosed his thoughts.  Last month Margie died in Floyd, VA.  She will be missed and her contribution to our ongoing work can never be overestimated.  Please remember her sister Wilma Reed who faithfully cared for her.

Keeping Confidences

Strong friendships involve confidences.  The giving and receiving of them is the true test of the relationship.  They grow in proportion to the confidences which we share with one another.  This demonstrates trust.  Therefore, true friendships grow slowly.

Within each of us is the desire to be known, but each of us does not have the same ability or willingness.  Often it is easier to know others than to be known by others.  When I say “know” I mean a deep understanding.  Often it is easy to create temporary relationships which look like trusting and knowing, but are actually just passing by.  It is easy to feign attachment.

One of the key elements of sharing confidences is knowing how strongly someone feels about the subject being shared.    There are times when something is publicly shared without malice, but just out of misunderstanding the depth and seriousness of the confidence.  Friendships can be jeopardized or even ended by careless exposure.     (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 11, 2014

Fred thoroughly understood the paradox of being both wise and gentle.  He valued friendships and carefully considered what it meant to make and keep friendships.  He wrote a great deal about the nature of business and personal relationships, offering clear thinking and challenge.

Thank you for your encouraging emails.  Fred constantly asked the Lord to make him useful  – we continue to ask the same.  Our goal is to be helpful by bringing you Fred’s thinking.

Interested, but not Curious

The deep, sincere interest in each other as friends does not include curiosity. Personally, I am “turned off” by those who exhibit idle curiosity about me.  Interested-yes; curious-no.

Often people confuse interest in people with curiosity about people.  The tabloid culture fosters endless curiosity which has no limits – not even boundaries of common courtesy.  The desire to know more and more is morbid and indecent.  On the other hand, interest has a positive, helpful, outgoing connotation.

Curiosity is self-centered and self-serving.  It scratches an itch that is strictly for selfish satisfaction.  It has nothing to do with the serving the good of another.  Celebrity chasers don’t think about higher aims for they just want to “get the story.”

Interest is founded on the desire to do good, be helpful, participate in growth, and stretch others.  It is part of the process of finding ways to serve.  These motivations are 180 degrees apart.     (more…)