Weekly Thought – January 30, 2024

Fred studied “the question behind the question” long before it became a popular corporate sales training concept. He also was a student of language (spoken and body). He consistently looked to break down the differences between manifest and latent skills. He differentiated them considering the actual words used while latent is looking for what is behind what is being said.

Levels of Listening

I like to consider four levels of listening:

1) The meaning of words – even the meaning breaks down into three distinct categories: dictionary colloquial, and personal. Dictionary definitions are relatively easy. Colloquial expressions generally mean the same to everyone in the conversation; on the other hand, personal words need to be carefully understood. Communication can be hindered when personal words are misused or misunderstood.

2) The choice of words – while the meaning of words is largely manifest, the choice of words moves into the latent category. Word choice can give a rather reliable evaluation of a person’s depth of intelligence, scope of interest, ability to think in principles or techniques, as well as the moral basis of the expression. The choice of words demonstrates the speaker’s emotions. Our feelings show through in the description of individuals and situations. The news media has great skill in coloring reportage by choosing emotionally charged words.

3) The sound of words – a key to masterful listening is shutting out the meaning and the choice and focusing only on the sound. Fox ample, the rhythm many times gives us a cue to the person’s emotional nature, as well as the familiarity with the subject. Coming out of church one day I asked our younger daughter what she thought about the sermon. “Dad, I couldn’t get the words to go into my ears.” Mary Alice enjoys the British comedies, but I am like our daughter — I can’t get the words (probably the accent) go into my ears. Part of sound is the pitch and speed. As the speaker gets more excited the pitch becomes more intense and the speed increases. Tone is another aspect of sound. A nasal tone usually leaves a negative impression. Think of children who whine. Change of pace is an interesting part of sound. Often when a speaker is speaking to an important point will slow down, lower their tone, and change the pace. Sound is a central part of latent listening. Two other aspects are pauses and mistakes. Usually breaks occur when the speaker is thinking about two words or phrases simultaneously.

4) The sight of words – I know we don’t actually see the words, but we do see the physical expression in the gestures which are used. Are they friendly or hostile? Open or closed? What is the facial expression, particularly the movement of the mouth? Do they have any facial tics or body movements which are significant? Other sight clues are clothes and office environment.

In the decades I have studied listening I have seen those who study in order to manipulate, not create more effective communication. It is a method of diagnosis, much like a physician’s. He evaluates in order to treat. Good listeners hear the words spoken and unspoken. We listen to better lead.

This week think about: 1) How much time have I spent developing my listening skills? 2) Who models both manifest and latent listening well? 3) Which situations stimulate my listening abilities? Which hinder?

Words of Wisdom: “Manifest listening is considering what the person is saying; latent is that which is behind the spoken words.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Let the wise also hear and gain instruction, and let the discerning acquire guidance!” (Proverbs 1:5 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 16, 2024

Fred learned to hug… no, Fred chose to learn to hug. His thoughts on the importance of physical touch illustrate how a man who grew up in a generation of non-hugging men discovered the power. His grandchildren benefited from the time with a Grandfather who appreciated their warm hugs.

Hugs Are Important

One of my ongoing studies is the subject of therapeutic touch. I have been working on it for several years. I got interested in it because the President of the Sloan-Kettering Institute said to the AMA during an address. “My father was a country doctor. He carried a little black valise. We know today there was not one thing in there that would heal anybody, but people got well, because my Daddy put his hand on them and said, ‘You’re gonna get well.’”

I read of an entire nursing association in New York City practicing therapeutic touch.

I did a telephone Interview for the University of Nebraska. At the time that was an interesting new interview technique. The interviewer is sitting with a large audience at a conference or academic classroom. The hour is spent asking and answering questions. In preparation for this session they sent me the school magazine. Interestingly, there was a poem written by Donna Swanson. It expresses her thoughts about touch and aging. It triggered distinct emotions about her words on the loneliness which accompanies lack of human touch.

When my Mother was 80 years old (she lived to be 93) she began noticeably aging. Her once porcelain smooth skin wrinkled badly and her military-like posture began to slump. It surprised me and also reminded me that one of the negative aspects of aging is the lack of physical touch. By this time my Dad had been gone for over twenty years, her “boys” grew up and moved away, and she lived in an apartment by herself. I finally realized she suffered from the lack of the physical, tactile element in relationships. In her very old-fashioned way she would greet the grandchildren with, “Come give Nanny some sugar!” She wanted to show her love by giving healthy hugs, but it often frightened the little ones.

Studies show the reticence to touch older people is not uncommon. In nursing homes many of the residents will sit for days without visitors and specifically without any touch.

I realized I had quit touching my Mother. Recognizing this, I started hugging her again and it made a big difference… to her and to me.

I was speaking at Barkley Lodge in Kentucky at a Christian meeting. Afterwards a quiet, shy woman stood at the back and waited for me to finish talking with other people. In speaking you always notice those who purposely wait because they usually have to something specific to say. She finally walked up to me. She wasn’t over 5 feet tall, so she looked up at me and said, “Would you hug me?” I said, “You know I will.” I reached out and gave her a great big hug. As she walked off I said to myself “How long has that hug got to last?” I knew the answer – a long time.

This week think carefully about: 1) Who do I need to hug? 2) Why do I think people avoid physical contact with the elderly? 3) How can I become more aware of my own need for a hug?

Words of Wisdom: “I realized I had quit touching my Mother. Recognizing this, I started hugging her again and it made a big difference… to her and to me.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their adversity and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” (James 1:27 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 9, 2024

Fred thought. One of his friends commented yesterday that thinking was not a hobby, but a way of life for him. In his last years he spent hours undergoing dialysis. During these sessions each week he took ideas, chased them down, and then distilled them into “material” for his Saturday home meetings known as “Fred in the Bed.” He observed current culture, measured it against bedrock principles and then shared with others.

The Good Life

“Living the good life” means being winners, feeling good, experiencing a non-stop high. Looking like TV commercials is the desired effect. When we get down it merely means we are in the “before” portion, but the “after” is on the way. Sitcoms and commercials solve problems in lightning speed making any problems look like a mere moment. The truth is: the offered solution may actually just be another layer of an essential problem.

Consciousness altering substances promise instantaneous relief. Real life doesn’t work that way; nature cannot transform us that quickly. Process is serialized, not one episode. This way of thinking leads too many to seeking spiritual highs and quick fixes. Spiritual transformation isn’t overnight. “Living on the mountaintop” thinking leads to immature, incomplete spiritual development. Theologians call the lifelong change sanctification. Positive change in blinding speed with nonstop happiness is contrary to human experience.

The always winning philosophy fails because it is unreal and requires artificial, synthetic, inauthentic dependence leading to addiction. The sudden high cannot endure.

The core hurts and pains are surrounded by a periphery. In the beginning we can find temporary answers, but the essential problem isn’t touched. The problem continues to grow until one day the pain consumes the entire core and the effort to find a temporary fix is impossible. Friends of mine have chosen destructive behavior, irrational decisions, and even suicide as the way to avoid facing the full impact of festered pain. Great men have sacrificed self-respect in their effort to run away from deep hurt.

What is the answer? The rejuvenation of the Holy Spirit. Nothing satisfies like the washing and changing through the Spirit. The power of regeneration allows us to translate head knowledge into living experience. There is risk in reformation – it cannot be experienced on a trial basis. The Christian life is a total risk. But the good life through faith is truly the only genuine way to enduring satisfaction. All other efforts and substitutions have a short shelf life. They may work for a season, but ultimately fizzle and fail.

This week think about: 1) When do I trade long term growth for a temporary win? 2) How can I model maturity in my work, family, church? 3) Who mentors me in choosing to play the long game?

Words of Wisdom: “Great men have sacrificed self-respect in their effort to run away from deep hurt.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might for the display of all patience and steadfastness.” (Colossians 1:11 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 2, 2024

Fred grew up with limited financial resources. Unable to attend college, he often joked about his only time on campus was when he was invited to address the student body. Often he was asked to be the commencement speaker and received two honorary doctorates. This week we excerpt one of these addresses.

Editor’s Note: The Weekly Thought for December 19th featured an illustration given to Fred by his long time friend Ben Haden, television host, author, and pastor. Apparently, autocorrect decided Ben’s surname needed a “y” making it Hayden. Apologies to the many friends who pointed out the additional letter.

Heart Qualities

I would like to talk about a few heart qualities.

The difference in you today and yesterday is that you have now assumed the responsibility to be your own teacher. Plato said if the teachers have done their job correctly they have awakened in the student a teacher enabling the person to live being both student and teacher. My friend Jack Modesett said that his life changed as a sophomore at Princeton when he found the joy of learning. He graduated magna cum laude and now lives magna cum laude because he is both teacher and student.

Let me give you two qualities of an educated heart.

1) A taste for the full life
Professor William James referred to it as “thickness,” meaning that life has a full dimension. It is more than surface level. Christ described this as “the abundant life.” The Menninger Clinic in studying mature individuals said that one of the traits is a life which exhibits a confluence of stimulation from a variety of sources. They are more than uni-dimensional.
I see individuals whose function has taken over their personhood. We get our strokes from our function, but our joy from our being. It is possible that a preacher or missionary or ministry leader can become a function just as easily as an executive, professional, or athlete. They are no longer fully orbed.

2) The love of truth
We live in a fantasy world created by media, advertising, political propaganda – even religious propaganda. Their primary aim is not always dealing in truth. After becoming President of Notre Dame University, Father Hesburgh was given three rules which guided Father Cavanaugh, his predecessor. The three were: “be right – be human – be humble.” When David Rockefeller asked Father Hesburgh to join the board of Chase Manhattan Bank, he laughed and said, “I am a priest. I have never even had a personal bank account and now you ask me to be a director of this prestigious financial institution.” David Rockefeller replied, “Father Hesburgh, if we don’t know how to run a bank we shouldn’t be here. What we need is somebody skilled in knowing what is morally right. You have your education in philosophy and theology and we want you to help us know what is right.” Father Hesburgh said that sometimes during the board meetings when they got into an ethical discussion Mr. Rockefeller would turn to him and say, “Father, tell us what is right.” Then without thinking about profitability, political astuteness, or popular acclaim, I tried to tell them what was morally right.

This week carefully consider: 1) What do I use as the standard for truth and morality? 2) Who helps me stay on track? 3) How can my faith make a difference in my decisions?

Words of Wisdom: “We get our strokes from our function, but our joy from our being.”

Wisdom from the Word: “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 26, 2023

Fred tolerated laziness and boredom poorly – if at all. When their children were growing up in the late 50s and 60s it was quite fashionable as teenagers to be bored. They soon learned their parents had a quick cure – work. Tasks were readily available for just such groaning and moaning.

Overcoming Boredom

Boredom is the dry rot of the soul. It comes when we feel that what we’re doing isn’t worth the time nor is it interesting, worthwhile, or challenging. Boredom can be the result of living too efficiently and less effectively. When our life becomes a series of habits and routines, then our creative juices are not stirred up enough to avoid boredom.

Oftentimes we hear children say to their parents, “I’m bored.” The best answer for that is a question: “What are you going to do about it?” we need to learn very early the response to boredom is our own responsibility, not that of others. If we stay bored too long we escape into pseudo-sophistication or melancholia, refusing to lift ourselves by our emotional bootstraps out of the quagmire. I would make three suggestions to the bored:

1) Break up the repetition of life. Sometimes the most simple changes will help because they help us use our minds rather than relying on automatic habits. When I was speaking constantly I would find a talk became boring, so I would rearrange the point just to increase my interest and concentration. Routine is needed for efficiency, but life is more than good time management.

2) Add something good to your life. Start a new activity, begin a new hobby, see the old things in new ways, start new friendships, and associations. Do something specific for others each day. Enroll in a course, sign up for a film series, symphony concert, summer theater, athletic event, Bible study – but do something good! Remembering the more bored you are, the less interested you will be when you begin, but the greater your interest the more interesting you will become.

3) Take something bad out of your life… things that need correcting. The sedentary life is a good place to start making a change. “Goofing off” may need redefinition. For example, one of the most interesting men I know has decided not to read the daily newspaper. He recognized so much of it is repetitious and absolutely of no earthly value. Some of us may need to stop an activity which is nothing but activity. Surely you can find something to throw out. We spent one New Year’s Eve in Naples, Italy. During that night we quickly became acquainted with their quaint custom of throwing things out the window that they don’t want to carry into the New Year. The streets became so littered that no vehicles could travel them for hours. It seemed everyone had something to throw out of the window.

The war on boredom can begin the same way – throwing away what isn’t needed. After all, boredom is a sign of poor self-management and that is a waste of talent, gifts, and resources.

This week carefully consider: 1) When do I find myself fighting boredom? 2) How can I help others with the tendency to get stuck? 3) What questions should I be asking myself to assess my vitality?

Words of Wisdom: “Boredom is the dry rot of the soul.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Whatever you are doing, work at it with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not for people.” (Colossians 3:23 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 19, 2023

Fred was known for his problem solving skills. He did not gravitate toward difficulties. In fact, he preferred healthy organizations and relationships. However, his exceptional discernment equipped him for analyzing and assessing problem situations with objectivity.

Making a Problem Solving Plan

Any problem can be approached in an objective, logical way. Organizing the facts and building an active plan keeps you from taking a passive posture.

1. Accept the seriousness of the problem
A good friend was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It is serious. It is not psychosomatic. It cannot be handled through denial, affirmations, or positive thinking. One of my earthier friends said, “you can’t cure diarrhea by ignoring it.” That may be a little raw, but it certainly is memorable. The cure to any major problem starts with acceptance.

2. Externalize the problem
I am indebted to my friend Dr. Kevin Gill for the major contribution to my understanding of illness. When I was covered with penicillin poison I said to him, “Kevin, my body is sick, but I am not.” He smiled and said, “You are the kind who will get well.” Then he told me that executives are the easiest to cure because they have a practice of externalizing their problems, organizing them, and working on them objectively. He said the most difficult one are those who internalize their problems, thinking the problem is caused as punishment, through unfairness, or evidence of guilt.

I was speaking to a large audience and noticed a young man on the front row with a serious disability. Afterwards he came up and said to me, “Mr. Smith, I have a disability, but the disability doesn’t have me.”

(Note: Fred later on in his season of physical deterioration he made a sign saying “I am not disabled, but delightfully dependent.”)
Ben Hayden who pastored the First Presbyterian Church in Chattanooga told me of a member who was diagnosed with leukemia. He told Ben his road to a cure began when he became “a student of my disease.” This meant that simply as a third party he was going to study his disease. He was going to externalize the problem.

3. Use the problem as a learning experience
I have a friend when diagnosed with cancer remarked, “I have a new mentor: cancer. In my mind I think of it as Professor C.” There’s real wisdom in never losing the good in a bad situation. There is seldom, if ever, a bad experience that doesn’t contain some good. And as we learn we have the opportunity and responsibility to share with others what we have been taught.

(Note: when Fred began dialysis he sat down and wrote about his perspective. He called it Dialysis University. It outlined his philosophy of anticipation, expectation, and approach.)

I hope you will find a plan in these quick points about organizing your approach to problems. Accept the problem – don’t duck!
Externalize it – put the problem in the third person and learn from it – find the good in the suffering. The challenge is to take control and not falter – keep moving.

Think carefully about: 1) What am I facing right now? 2) What is coming close to overwhelming me? 3) Am I running from problems or facing them?

Words of Wisdom: “Never lose the good of a bad situation.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Look, you desire integrity in the inner man; you want me to possess wisdom.” (Psalm 51:6 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 12, 2023

Fred started playing golf at 50. His fascination and love for the game never waned. He studied the game, used it in illustrations, and always carried “his sticks” with him – just in case! In his latter years he was bedbound and watched hours of the golf channel. He once commented to golfing friends, “I would be so much better if I were playing now because of all the hours I have watched.”

Morality versus Legality

Among individuals of character, the legal simply defines the minimum morality needed for a healthy, well-functioning society to function, benefitting the individual and the group. As long as no one wants an unfair advantage but rather desire everyone to have all that he deserves, laws can be simple.

Men (and women) of good will can have honest differences of opinion, and these can be covered legally in short order. Men of ill will use the law not for rightness, but for wrongness… this necessitates voluminous documentation.

Golf gives me an excellent illustration of the reason for law. Few games have such volumes of laws with such extensive interpretation. John L. Low, chief compiler of the 1902 Golfing Code clearly shows why. “The code of laws is being used by individuals to escape the law rather than to abide by it. They want interpretations which will favor their escape but bind their opponents. The pity of golf today (1905) is that men play entirely to win. It would be happier for golf if it could be remembered that the true good is in the playing, not the winning. The man who does his best and loses has wrought his play as bravely as the winner and is entitled to feel equal satisfaction from the day’s engagement. Those who will not abide by the spirit of the game cannot be trusted, and they need the law to birch-rod them into the ways of honesty.”

I have played with theologians who cheated – intellectuals who remained ignorant of the laws on purpose – and otherwise honest men who opportunistically made exceptions to the law for their own benefit as well as legalistic friends who would ask for interpretation hoping for advantage. These are all ways to get around the rules.

You could simplify a great many golf rules by stating: “A player shall not create any advantage for himself other than by skill.” This would do away with picking the ball up – cleaning it – moving it – kicking it – soiling the club – stepping behind the ball – and all such things which are really manufactured improvements for the advantage of the player. Yet human nature would cry out that these actions were merely a way of recompensing an unfair circumstance. This is their idea of a “fair advantage.”

Wherever morality far exceeds legality, there can be a reverence for the spirit of the law permitting the simplification of the law.
In my humble opinion, when golf became only about winning, Satan was given membership in the club. He sends some of his demonic minions our with every foursome shouting “Win! Win! Win! Win!”

This week carefully consider: 1) How often do I fall into the trap of thinking more about the legality than the morality? 2) What comes to mind when I think about the proliferation of laws? 3) Who would enjoy and understand Fred’s golfing illustrations?

Words of Wisdom: “Wherever morality far exceeds legality, there can be a reverence for the spirit of the law permitting the simplification of the law.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The one who conducts himself in integrity will live securely, but the one who behaves perversely will be found out.” (Proverbs 10:9 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 5, 2023

Fred once defined a cynic as one who would choose to ride through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat. He made sure he maintained a realistic perspective without lapsing into cynicism. He jotted down some ideas about overcoming cynicism which serve as the text for this week’s thought.

Overcoming Cynicism

Cynicism has no integrity. Even though it often properly evaluates the present, it has no hope for the future. A Christians we can never be without hope for tomorrow. Christians believe in the great possibilities given by God. It is our responsibility to make a difference, not to drop out.

Recently a bright, young executive asked me to lunch. He opened the conversation by saying, “I serve on several Christian boards and have been invited to join two national ministry boards. But as a businessman I have become cynical at what I see. You have been in this situation most of your life. How do you avoid cynicism?”

I freely admitted being involved with Christian organizations as long as I have been tainted by an amount – hopefully, it is the healthy variety.

I gave him an antidote: Maintain your sense of humor. In my experience there is no human activity (spiritual or not) devoid of human frailties. To me, humor eases the tension between where we are and where we ought to be. Tragically, and way too often, in the most serious business of the Kingdom, we act as clowns in the court. We play games, indulge in politics, defend our errors, and deny our temptations. All of these can be a source of humor. Sin garbed in ecclesiastical raiment is ridiculous. In such situations it is better to laugh than to criticize. I must emphasize I am not endorsing any of these sinful behaviors – just recommending a healthy objectivity.

May I share a personal illustration? At my father’s funeral both the elderly retiring pastor and the young incoming man shared the platform. I knew how this would work so I wrote a note to my brother, “Watch this!” Sure enough, the outgoing man widely known for his vast Bible memorization skills began with passage after passage. The younger man looked uncomfortable, but literally rose to the occasion drawing on all his recently acquired homiletical skills. I could have become cynical but I knew my Dad as a Baptist preacher influenced by George Truett and W.A. Criswell would have thoroughly enjoyed it. Both men were men of fine spirit and sincerity who just got caught up in a situation that became a contest.
To become cynical would have been to deny the present reality. To allow cynicism to overshadow the truth of their words would defeat their goal.

As Christians we have the responsibility to accurately assess the environment and respond appropriately. Maturity allows us to see without falling into unhealthy cynicism. We always want to be realistic, but keep our minds centered on the truth of the higher things.

This week think about: 1) When do I tend to become cynical? 2) How do I discipline myself to see reality without jumping into a glass bottom boat? 3) Who models healthy maturity?

Words of Wisdom: “It is our responsibility to make a difference, not to drop out.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But whoever is among the living has hope.”(Ecclesiastes 9:9(a) NET Bible)