Weekly Thought – December 6, 2016

Fred’s discernment enabled him to consult effectively, mentor wisely, and contribute thoughtfully. His ability to study people allowed him to grasp situations quickly. It also gave him the clarity to ask insightful questions.

The Breakfast with Fred Leadership Institute is actively planning for 2017. The February event at LeTourneau University as well as the April trip to Greenville College are both in high gear. Please pray for the teams and the schools. Pray for the glory of God to shine brightly.

Knowing People

Here are three simple things I have learned about people:

1) I have learned that I waste time in trying to correct other people’s mistakes and helping them become stronger in their soft spots. I should use the time to utilize their strengths and buttress their weaknesses. A lot of training program I have seen are geared to overcoming deficiencies – what a waste of time!

2) I have learned that you can’t change anybody else. Each person has to change himself or herself – you can’t do it for them. You can set up pressures or you can be there to encourage, but action can’t be taken for another. You might even create fear that will cause a temporary change but nothing permanent. We spend too much time affecting short-term behavior thinking we have made long-term alterations. It usually doesn’t take long to see if the change is real or not. If we forced it through artificial and external means, it won’t last. Think about a rubber band which can be stretched to a new shape, but once released will spring back to its original.

3) I have learned that people are the way they are because they want to be that way. I haven’t always believed this. In fact, early in my life I wanted to be a social worker. It didn’t take long for me to become disillusioned. When I recognized the true nature of man and the impact of our choices, I understood the power of personal choice. Now I am totally convinced each of us is the way we are because we want to be. We rationalize and think of all kinds of reasons that this isn’t true but the bottom line is: we choose to be who we are.

When an opportunity for change comes and we don’t take it (out of fear, comfort level, disinterest) we are choosing to stay right where you are. And, neutral is not a normal gear – we either put it in drive or end up in reverse.

When you choose to move through personal challenges, you are opting for growth and becoming who you want to be. One of the key elements of serious growth is a plan. Too often a lack of a plan is a way of rationalizing the unwillingness to change.

Think about this week: 1) What growth pains am I experiencing? 2) How am I evaluating my opportunities for change? 3) Where do I want to grow?

Words of Wisdom: “We spend too much time affecting short-term behavior thinking we have made long-term alterations.”

Wisdom from the Word: “For this reason we also, from the day we heard about you, have not ceased praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” (Colossians 1:9 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – March 15, 2016

Fred and Mary Alice enjoyed sports. No one criticized the Cowboys when she was around – and you didn’t carry on casual conversation during the game! Fred’s friendship with All-America, All-Pro Bill Glass lasted over 50 years. He enjoyed talking with “Big Bill” about life principles he found in sports. Here are some of those ideas jotted down in the 1970s.

Not Just A Game

Sports are valuable for they not only teach us how to play, but also how to live. In sports we see the benefit of opposition. You can’t miss it when you watch Joe Green compete against Craig Morton. What if the league decided to ban opposition? What if Joe kept his hands down so Craig could pass better? What is Craig stood still so Joe could sack him easier? The crowd would kill them both! The game is thrilling and exciting because of opposition… the successful handling of opposition.

Life is like that – we succeed as we face and overcome opposition. We get stronger as we shoulder our burden – as we shove aside temptations and climb the hill of our adversity.

The hand is a wonderful thing. It carries its own opposition. It is the thumb. All the fingers press against it. This way we can lift, grip and twist. Without the opposition of the thumb we are crippled. I am told disability insurance pays more for the loss of a thumb than for a finger.

In life we learn to use our opposition. As we do, we get experience. Confidence comes with experience and then we learn to win. So be thankful for opposition.

A distinguished psychiatrist once told me it isn’t what we see in that’s important – it’s what the person sees. One of those the athlete sees is the will to win… the drive to be a pro. The doctor went on to say if we can know what the person sees we can forecast behavior. When we know what is going on inside the athlete we can see if there is the willingness to play hurt, the ability to concentrate on being the best at one thing. I like to call this “Pauline focus: ‘this one thing I do.’”

This week I played golf with an executive who told me: “We can test ability and personality, but we can’t test price he is willing to pay for success.”

This is where championship starts for all of us – the will to win… the will to win… to stay in the game even when losing and keep coming on. This isn’t true just on the football field but in the factory, the home, the office, the church, and the community. We can all be pros.

This week think about: 1) What is opposing me right now? 2) How can I distinguish healthy opposition from negative? 3) When did I identify my will to win?

Words of Wisdom: The hand is a wonderful thing; it carries its own opposition.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But although we suffered earlier and were mistreated in Philippi, as you know, we had the courage in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in spite of much opposition. (1 Thessalonians 2:2 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 26, 2016

Fred’s grasp of human nature gave him an almost uncanny ability to “read” people. His understanding of fundamental principles allowed him to assess motivations, habit patterns, and behavior. As in many situations, Fred knew there was an art and a science to the study of people.

Understanding Each Other

Those who use discernment in leadership can be helped by these principles:

1) Everyone is logical according to his or her reasoning base. I used to believe everyone who disagreed with me was illogical (since I was the measure of logic, of course). Alfred Adler showed me that everyone is logical if you understand the fundamental premise from which he/she is operating. It is important to recognize you don’t know the person’s base until you can accurately predict future behavior. Understanding their base enables me to understand their logic.

2) Dependence can create hostility. One of my psychiatrist friends introduced me to this concept. It has been emotionally helpful in business, and mentoring, as well as with the family. This occurs when someone is dependent emotionally, financially, or spiritually on someone else, and gets angry about it. In older age physical dependence can create this hostile environment. We see this in long term employment situations, and even in long term marriages. People who grow dependent deny their need while continuing to accept the benefits of the situation. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” is a perfect example of hostile dependence lived out.

3) Psychic space requirements differ from one person to another. In a small group a woman became extremely emotional and shouted out, “I hate you, I hate you!” What happened? The leader of the group invaded her personal space and triggered an outburst. As leaders, we need to be careful to correctly identify boundaries and not create emotionally compromising situations. Those who head cross-culturally certainly understand this concept for these limits change dramatically from one culture to another, creating possibilities for misunderstanding and mistrust. We have spiritual space, as well. Too often people jump into another’s space with “penetrating” questions that border on the curious not the interested. We must earn the right to be invited into “soul space.”

Understanding these principles helps us lead with integrity. Facts are always preceded by feelings and using discernment allows us to match one with the other.

This week think about: 1) How can I grow in the use of discernment? 2) What examples can I think of to demonstrate each principle? 3) How well do I know the people around me?

Words of Wisdom: “People who grow dependent deny their need while continuing to accept the benefits of the situation.”

Wisdom from the Word: “indeed, if you call out for discernment – raise your voice for understanding” (Proverbs 2:3 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – April 15, 2014

Fred commented: “Parenting changes from managerial to relational as the family grows older.”  Later on, he remarked, “I have moved from being an authority figure to a consultant with my children.”  He enjoyed that role.  As an executive, he had difficulty leaving his management style at the office, but he tried.  Especially as he aged, he appreciated the value of relationship for its sake alone.  This week’s thought is unusual – it is a letter written from Fred to Howard E. Butt, a life-long friend.

Keep on praying for Taylor University and the strong team gathering on the campus April 24, 25.  Pray for those who come from Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky, and Texas to participate in our inter-generational ministry of connection.

Dear Howard

Howard – I’m beginning to see the family in a very different light.  The family’s primary function is a relationship to create loving relations and secondarily a production unit for developing mature individuals.  It is different from the plant, where production is primary and relation is secondary.  One hopes, and I believe it is possible, to have both functions running together smoothly, each complementing the other.  However, until we understand which is primary and which is secondary, we are not able to make a good, objective decision when one conflicts with the other.

Howard, you can’t believe what is happening as I’m writing these words to you.  Mary Alice is knocking on the door, wanting to know if I want to go to McDonald’s with Brenda, Mary Helen, and our four grandchildren.  I believe the Lord is testing me as to my sincerity, for you know that isn’t exactly what I want to do right now.  Yet, if I’m going to change according to my new knowledge, I must take leave of you and finish the letter when I get back.  (more…)

Weekly Thought – April 1, 2014

Fred lived a long life so he saw the death of many friends. He experienced loss. In his later years a friend cut ties with Fred because he misunderstood a situation. They were never reconciled. Fred suffered this break. Interestingly enough, he dealt with it using the same steps he wrote about 30 years earlier.

Often we hear “Fred’s words hit home this week. They were just what I needed.” It reinforces what Fred always said, “Principles never change – just the illustrations.” It is our privilege to keep Fred’s principle-based thinking available.

When Friendships Die

When friendships die – and they do – life goes on. It should go on in the best way possible. Neither should stagger through life as if they lost a limb. I have found these seven helpful:

1) Admit it, without recrimination. When we are sure a person is dead, we bury the corpse. We go through the stages of grief, and expect to end up as mature individuals. The loss of a friendship prompts a grief response. Placing blame hinders healthy healing.

2) Don’t let the rejection make enemies. Just as we are honored to be chosen as a friend, we are deeply hurt to be rejected. Though it may be natural, we cannot allow the meaner nature make an enemy of our former friend.

3) Keep confidences received during friendship. Your very self-respect depends on this one. Divulging confidences ends in guilt-producing consequences. And frankly, such actions can lead to reprisals. The death of a friendship is bad enough without opening doors for continuing bitterness.    (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 25, 2014

Fred believed in the value of psychic space.  He carefully respected these lines we draw to protect ourselves.  A woman once came up to Fred after a speech to ask a question.  Fred responded with another query.  She expressed great anger.  A psychiatrist friend explained he had violated her psychic space.  Friendships negotiate space and the masks we wear to fortress our inner selves.

Want to know more about the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute?  There are two great places to understand more: 1) Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute page on Facebook and 2) bwfli.com   See faces, read stories, and acquaint yourself with Fred’s ongoing legacy.

The Importance of Masks

Dealing with masks is a critical element of friendship.  They must be understood and appreciated.

We all wear masks.  We all hide areas of our lives from public view. When we think of them we sometimes feel guilt, anxiety, hurt, and even fear as we think about being exposed.  We don’t want everyone to see or know the deepest parts of ourselves.

Friendship allows us to begin the process of unmasking.  We take test drives on lifting the mask, judging the reaction of another – dipping our toe into the psychological waters.  “Are they shocked?  Are they empathetic? Are they nonchalant?”  We peek out little by little.

Masks are like bandages.  Small ones cover scrapes; rolls of gauze cover serious wounds.  We create them to adequately protect the sensitive part of our life – the part we don’t want to open to criticism or ridicule.  We don’t even want to lift the bandage to see the hurt ourselves.    (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 18, 2014

Fred was asked the “secret” of his friendships with so many substantial and influential people, especially since he had no educational background or social pedigree that would create those natural alliances.  “I want nothing from them and they can trust me.”  He once said, “When I die years of confidences will go with me.” 

He valued the confidence of others, as well.  His faithful secretary Margie Keith listened to his thinking for hundreds of hours as she transcribed his tapes.  She never disclosed his thoughts.  Last month Margie died in Floyd, VA.  She will be missed and her contribution to our ongoing work can never be overestimated.  Please remember her sister Wilma Reed who faithfully cared for her.

Keeping Confidences

Strong friendships involve confidences.  The giving and receiving of them is the true test of the relationship.  They grow in proportion to the confidences which we share with one another.  This demonstrates trust.  Therefore, true friendships grow slowly.

Within each of us is the desire to be known, but each of us does not have the same ability or willingness.  Often it is easier to know others than to be known by others.  When I say “know” I mean a deep understanding.  Often it is easy to create temporary relationships which look like trusting and knowing, but are actually just passing by.  It is easy to feign attachment.

One of the key elements of sharing confidences is knowing how strongly someone feels about the subject being shared.    There are times when something is publicly shared without malice, but just out of misunderstanding the depth and seriousness of the confidence.  Friendships can be jeopardized or even ended by careless exposure.     (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 11, 2014

Fred thoroughly understood the paradox of being both wise and gentle.  He valued friendships and carefully considered what it meant to make and keep friendships.  He wrote a great deal about the nature of business and personal relationships, offering clear thinking and challenge.

Thank you for your encouraging emails.  Fred constantly asked the Lord to make him useful  – we continue to ask the same.  Our goal is to be helpful by bringing you Fred’s thinking.

Interested, but not Curious

The deep, sincere interest in each other as friends does not include curiosity. Personally, I am “turned off” by those who exhibit idle curiosity about me.  Interested-yes; curious-no.

Often people confuse interest in people with curiosity about people.  The tabloid culture fosters endless curiosity which has no limits – not even boundaries of common courtesy.  The desire to know more and more is morbid and indecent.  On the other hand, interest has a positive, helpful, outgoing connotation.

Curiosity is self-centered and self-serving.  It scratches an itch that is strictly for selfish satisfaction.  It has nothing to do with the serving the good of another.  Celebrity chasers don’t think about higher aims for they just want to “get the story.”

Interest is founded on the desire to do good, be helpful, participate in growth, and stretch others.  It is part of the process of finding ways to serve.  These motivations are 180 degrees apart.     (more…)