Weekly Thought – June 28,2022

Fred valued friendships and worked hard to nurture them. Networking wasn’t a commercial endeavor – it was relational. In our common vernacular we ordinarily use “relationships,” but Fred was partial to “relation.”

Qualities of Excellent Relations

Relations require time – quality time, not just habitual or ritual appointments. This time should be applied within the moving scene of life. In business terms time in relationships is like applying working capital to create the most good at the right time.

Mature relations also require compromise. As unique individuals, these compromises are between people with varying upbringing, traditions, ideas of what life should be, past experiences, and goals for the future. When we can find areas of overlap, the relation may develop more naturally.

I am often asked about man to man friendships, My answer is: “when the little boy in me likes the little boy in you we can begin developing a friendship.” Men generally establish relations through working on projects together, whether in career, community service, or church. One of my long-time business colleague retired. We knew we wanted the friendship to continue so we agreed to serve together on a corporate board. This gave us common experiences, opportunities to strategize, spend time profitably, and deepen an already well-established friendship. We subsequently served on several Christian ministry boards, as well as other corporate consulting situations which lasted until his death.

Another key element of strong relations is the sharing of friends. It is one of my joys to know that a friend of mine should know another one. Often networking has a negative connotation with the idea of using others for personal advantage. I am total disagreement. I am convinced of the profound benefit of connecting others for their own good. One of my friends is considered a premier networker, known nationwide for his ability to identify potential relationships. He constantly keeps in mind “who do I know who should know Fred?” Knowing his desire for good to emerge gives me a great sense of responsibility in these introductions.

The cultivation of relations is not casual, nor random. It requires great thought and discipline. The outcome is difficult to quantify. To stop and see the work accomplished through decades of friendships brings satisfaction. To know healthy, mature relations are part of my life goal of stretching others gives me confidence I can be helpful and productive.

This week carefully consider: 1) What do my friends have in common?2) How do I think about the value of connecting friends?3) Which of my friends should know each other?

Words of Wisdom: “Relations require time – quality time, not just habitual or ritual appointments.”

Wisdom from the Word: “They help one another; one says to the other, ‘Be strong!’“ (Isaiah 41:6 Net Bible)

Weekly Thought – May 17, 2022

Fred cultivated and nurtured relationships. Networking for him wasn’t a business strategy – it was an effective means of living out his goal of stretching others. He was an excellent friend. He held confidences; he prayed for them; he connected them with others; and he believed in them.

Relationships

Relationships are not homogeneous. The variety resembles the diversity of garden flowers. Some bring color while others are known for their aromas. Some are like cacti because they can survive contrary conditions. Some take a long time to develop and bloom but are long lasting.

A few friends are for all seasons but most are for a particular season. It is important to know the seasons of our relationships. And just as important is the ability to understand every friendship doesn’t endure forever. This doesn’t diminish the effectiveness, the contribution, or the value. I hear people say, “I used to be friends with him.” I refuse to think like that. Friendships are always alive, even if only in a certain timeframe, situation, or environment. We do not bury a relationship just because the season has changed. We appreciate and remember their blooms.

I am convinced friendships must have mutual benefit as the foundational element. Of course in every mutual relationship there are pluses and minuses, contributions and embarrassments, agreements and conflicts… but in the end the mutuality must be solidly built on the net good to all.

God created man for relationship with Himself. We see the mutuality in that God gives us His best, and in perfect communion, man returns his best to God. It is important to understand we don’t offer our best in order to gain favor, salvation, or ongoing fellowship. God so loved that He gave… His best is exactly that – His best. But we can respond in gratitude by offering everything that we can as a gift back to Him.

God wanted that communion so much that when it was broken, Christ came to restore it for man is precious to the Father.
It is important to understand that mutuality does not demand equality of contribution but the commitment in which each does his best for the other. We see this in friendships, in family, in business associations – and in the love of God in Christ.

This week carefully think about: 1) How do I chronicle my history of friendships? 2) What makes me a good friend? 3) Where do I need to improve my intentional development of mutual benefit?

Words of Wisdom: “I am convinced friendships must have mutual benefit as the foundational element.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced, my devotion will not be removed from you, nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,” says the LORD, the one who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 16, 2021

Fred published his first book in the mid-80s titled You and Your Network. At that time the concept of networking had a negative connotation suggesting manipulation. Fred’s lifework as a man who introduced friends to friends for mutual benefit built a foundation for a fundamental shift in its definition.

In the late 1970s Holly Lake Chapel in East Texas assembled a devotional booklet, asking members and friends to contribute short, encouraging pieces. Although not a member, Fred and Mary Alice were homeowners at the Holly Lake Ranch community and frequent attendees of the Chapel. Fred’s brief devotional speaks to the value of introductions.

Friend to Friend

Great things come from introductions. Andrew brought his brother to Jesus. What a connection that was with eternal implications. Barnabas introduced Paul to the apostles. This one was a lesson in timing because the leaders were not prepared to accept Paul immediately into the fellowship. God’s plan worked out as Paul then introduced the gentiles to Jesus.

Do you remember who introduced you to your spouse? It is a special privilege to be part of the chemistry which occurs when friends meet friends and click.

Therefore, I want to use my ink in this devotional endeavor of the Holly Lake Chapel as an introduction to one of my friends: Oswald Chambers.

In 1956 Orean Howard, wife of a leading management executive, gave a copy of My Utmost for His Highest to Mary Alice and me. Her enthusiasm in his writing and impact, as well as our respect for her spiritual maturity, urged us to begin a daily reading habit. (Editor’s note: by the time Fred and Mary Alice both transferred to heaven they wore out 5 copies of this little devotional book).

Chambers helps us to confront materialism maturely. So often we begin believing materialism is our national religion, even putting Christian faith in the shadows. Individuals begin to fit into a rating system for business, society, or athletics. Tragically, we see the church fall prey to this system, giving preference to the big givers and well placed members. Swimming in that pool can be dangerous, leading to drowning.

Oswald Chambers, by his admonition helped me establish a healthy viewpoint: “Sit loose to things.” In the late 1960s I lost a significant client and a major part of my annual income. Thanks to Chambers my first thought was “sit loose, Fred.” Nothing prohibits us from working, earning, and enjoying. But they are a tool, not an idol.

That experience let me practice what Chambers taught: I am more than what I own.

Year by year and day by day the power of introduction becomes even more clear. It is my desire that Oswald Chambers will become your friend and his practical wisdom will create a platform for successful living.

This week begin to think about: 1) What is one of the key introductions in my life? 2) Who is a strong influencer, helping me to smooth the rough places? 3) How can I develop my ability to introduce those who need to know each other?

Words of Wisdom: “Sit loose to things!”

Wisdom from the Word: “Here is a misfortune on earth that I have seen: Wealth hoarded by its owner to his own misery.” (Ecclesiastes 5:13 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – October 6, 2020

Fred studied people. And along with daily research he enjoyed scientific and psychological work. He continually thought about what made people tick. His consulting business often focused on interaction among groups of people. His instincts were a clear part of his giftedness.

In light of the COVID restrictions, these thought from Fred significantly remind us of human touch. Although we may not apply them currently, we can file them away for future activation.

Hugs Are Important

One of my favorite subjects is therapeutic touch; I have been studying it for several years. I became interested because the President of the Sloan-Kettering Institute said to the American Medical Association during a lecture: “My father was a country doctor. He carried a little black medical valise. We know today that very little in that bag would fully heal anybody, but despite that, people got well. My Daddy put his hand on them and said, “You’re going to get well.” There is now an entire nursing association in New York City practicing therapeutic touch.

I did an interview for the University of Nebraska by telephone. It was the precursor to our teleconferences from my bed following my years of immobility. The students threw questions gat me. I loved the give and take. In preparation for the call, I read their student magazine. Included was a poem by Donna Swanson. It relates to touch and I included it.

When my Mother was 80 years old (on her way to 93) she began to get very wrinkled and was stooped over. It’s said old people miss tactile relationships with others because so many hesitate to touch them. I realized I stopped touching my Mother. Recognizing this, I started hugging her again – what a difference it made to her.

Let me share an excerpt from the poem titled Minnie Remembers by Donna Swanson.

“God, my hands are old; I’ve never said that out loud before, but they are. When did those slender, graceful hands become gnarled, shrunken claws… when, God?”

How long has it been since someone touched me? Twenty years? Twenty years since I’ve been a widow. Respected, smiled at, but never touched. Never held so close that loneliness was blotted out.

I remember how my mother used to hold me, God. Oh, God, I’m so lonely.

I remember the first boy who ever kissed me. I remember Hank and the babies. Out of the fumbling awkward attempts of new lovers came the babies. And Hank didn’t seem to mind if my body thickened and faded a little. He still loved it…and touched it. And the children hugged me a lot. Oh, God, I’m lonely!

God, why didn’t we raise the kids to be silly and affectionate as well as dignified and proper? They do their duty, they come to my room to pay their respects, but they don’t touch me. They call me Mom, or Mother, or Grandma.”

I was at a Christian conference in Kentucky when a frumpy little woman, almost square in shape, stood at the back, waiting for me to get through talking to others. Speakers always watch for that. If somebody stands and waits, they have something they want to say. She walked up to me, straightened up to her full five feet of height, and said, “Would you hug me?” “Of course I will.” I reached out and gave her a big hug. As she walked off I said to myself, “How long has that hug got to last? I knew – a long time.”

Consider carefully this week: 1) Even though physical hugs are unacceptable in this season, how can we express closeness to others? 2) Who needs a hug from our heart this week? ) What are the signs of physical deprivation?

Words of Wisdom: “I was very happy I relearned to touch my Mother.”

Wisdom from the Word: “When worries threaten to overwhelm me, your soothing touch makes me happy.” (Psalm 94:19 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – May 19, 2020

Fred enjoyed sincere, long-lasting friendships. He knew how to be a friend, a confidant, and understood how to create excellent relationships.

Believing these wisdom emails are helpful, we ask you to share with your colleagues, friends, and family. Fred’s heartbeat was stretching others. As his words still speak truth decades after originally written, we want him to continue being helpful.

Qualities of Excellent Relations

Relations require time… quality time. This can be a limiting factor in developing serious friendships. I don’t mean habitual time, but time which adapts and adjusts to the moving scenes of life. Like capital in a business which must be applied to create the most good at the right time, relations require the same strategic action.

Mature relationships also demand compromise. Since we are all unique there will never be total overlap. There will be differences and often the compromise is exposed in traditions from our upbringing, our view of life, our past experiences, and most importantly, our perspective for the future. In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.

In addition to time and compromise, it is necessary to share worthy projects. In my experience this is particularly true of men. We are not as apt to “do lunch,” as to work on something together. A friend with whom I worked for decades took early retirement. We knew to keep the relationship vital we must find meaningful work outside our company. We joined a corporate board together which gave us a clear reason for ongoing conversations, traveling, and making a strong contribution as a key part of the friendship. It has become a lifetime relationship which is both pleasant and profitable to others. Many of my longtime friends have served actively as Christian laymen, both in the church and parachurch organizations. Joining in Christian work together has given us opportunities to bridge life changes and grow together. We also shared the surviving and thriving of many Christian ministries.

Not only do we share projects, but we also share friends. One of life’s greater benefits is introducing friends to friends who then develop their own relationship. Building a network through the years spurs my own growth, as well as enjoying the synergy of these branches which occur. One of my dear friends Ron Glosser, former CEO of the Hershey Trust, has one of the most robust networks of any one I know. He is constantly trying to connect people in order to create a strong, productive outcome. Every time we talk he wants to know how he can pray for me, and how he can help me. He considers his network a gift of God to be used for His glory and to do much good in the world.

This week consider: 1) How intentional am I about building a helpful network? 2) Who are my best and closest friends? 3) What can I contribute to my friends?

Words of Wisdom: “In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So then, my brothers and sisters, dear friends whom I long to see, my joy and crown, stand in the Lord in this way, my dear friends.” (Philippians 4:1 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 14, 2020

Fred valued friendship, enjoying several relationships for a lifetime. His ability to keep confidences, offer wisdom, and enjoy experiences deepened friendships. The hallmark of relationship management is his keystone phrase: “Friendship is mutual.”

BWFLI further deepens our relationship with students this year, producing a series of sessions for a small group of students nominated by their school administrators and faculty. These will feature two team members focusing on one student, developing a serious relationship. We will strengthen their understanding of mentoring, networking, and perseverance.

Mutuality

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. If the relationship is healthy, we receive as well as give. Without mutuality health doesn’t exist, nor can it grow.

Exchange is a better word than share. Where one does all the giving and the other takes all, the relationship will be flawed, and in most cases will be short-lived.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone observe about the efficacy of mutuality I felt that the statement and the observer were cynical. But as I watched for this, I realized all parties must get something valuable from the relationship, or it will die. We must be motivated by the desire to give and if our motivation is to give more than we receive, health increases.

Not only must the benefits balance, but also the spirit of mutuality.

This cannot be formulaic or it eventually fails. When approached by the Philippian jailer with the question, “What must I do to be saved?” Peter answered with “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.” A current phrase reflects this: “Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship.”

Relations must be planned, and well maintained, if they are to flourish. Like floral designs, they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically with each unique flower relating to the others. Some friends must be enjoyed only in one environment. For example, they may be great bridge partners or fellow vacationers, but are not transferable to other environments. Others take a long time to develop and bloom, yet resemble the cactus which can survive contrary conditions.

A very few friends are for all seasons but most of our acquaintances are for particular times. We must consider each relation, knowing how best they fit into the arrangement. Our oldest granddaughter has a friend who said to her, “I have friends when I am serious and sad. You are my friend I laugh with.”

Those who would refute mutuality as the basis for long-lasting relationships quote John 3:16 to me. I feel this is proof of mutuality, not refutation. God created man to have a relationship with Him. The relationship is mutual in that communion is God giving His best to us and our yearning to give back to Him everything we have. The real proof: God wanted that fellowship so much that to redeem the broken world, fallen by sin, God sent Jesus Christ to restore the relationship. Man is precious to God.

This week think about: 1) How purposeful am I about developing healthy relationships? 2) What value do I bring to my friendships? 3) Who teaches me about the true meaning of mutuality?

Words of Wisdom: “Not only must the benefits balance, but also the spirit of mutuality.”

Wisdom from the Word: “He is the reason you have a relationship with Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption.” (1 Corinthians 1:30 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 12, 2019

Fred benefited from dear, close friends. At the end of his life during a hospital stay he spent a morning saying goodbye to many. The precious nature of these conversations demonstrated the depth of lifelong friendships.

As the year closes, your financial support is greatly appreciated.

Excellence in Relations

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. Healthy relationships return them, as well. Without mutuality no relationship remains healthy. Exchange is a good word for this. When one does all the giving, and the other is the total receiver, the relationship isn’t good, and probably will not last long term.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone say only mutual relations last I thought it was cynical. But as I have watched over the years I know all parties must get something valuable or the association eventually withers and dies. To ensure longevity each one must work to provide and receive value. I believe it is critical for each one want the other to receive a little more. That creates a healthy dynamic.

A strong relationship has a benefits balance and the true spirit of mutuality.

It is important to avoid looking for a formula. A relationship is much more. A current phrase puts it this way: “Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship.” For example, when the Philippian jailer asked, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul didn’t give him a formula or a set of rules… he outlined a relationship: “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.”

Relations must be planned, and maintained. Like flowers in a beautiful garden they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically. Each flower must be well related to another.

Environments matter. Some relations, like flowers, only flourish in particular soils, or for certain seasons. Some are single purpose like flowers which may be colorful but have little or no aroma.

We must know the seasons of our relationships. Enjoying them fully during their peak and not expecting to bloom out of time creates harmony and health. Great memories keep them alive. Appreciation and gratitude are necessary for excellent relations.

This week think about: 1) How am I doing as a nurturer? 2) What can I do to increase the quality of my relations? 3) Who can I encourage this week?

Words of Wisdom: “Relationships are mutual.”

Wisdom from the Word: “‘Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced, my devotion will not be removed from you, nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,’ says the Lord, the one who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 6, 2016

Fred’s discernment enabled him to consult effectively, mentor wisely, and contribute thoughtfully. His ability to study people allowed him to grasp situations quickly. It also gave him the clarity to ask insightful questions.

The Breakfast with Fred Leadership Institute is actively planning for 2017. The February event at LeTourneau University as well as the April trip to Greenville College are both in high gear. Please pray for the teams and the schools. Pray for the glory of God to shine brightly.

Knowing People

Here are three simple things I have learned about people:

1) I have learned that I waste time in trying to correct other people’s mistakes and helping them become stronger in their soft spots. I should use the time to utilize their strengths and buttress their weaknesses. A lot of training program I have seen are geared to overcoming deficiencies – what a waste of time!

2) I have learned that you can’t change anybody else. Each person has to change himself or herself – you can’t do it for them. You can set up pressures or you can be there to encourage, but action can’t be taken for another. You might even create fear that will cause a temporary change but nothing permanent. We spend too much time affecting short-term behavior thinking we have made long-term alterations. It usually doesn’t take long to see if the change is real or not. If we forced it through artificial and external means, it won’t last. Think about a rubber band which can be stretched to a new shape, but once released will spring back to its original.

3) I have learned that people are the way they are because they want to be that way. I haven’t always believed this. In fact, early in my life I wanted to be a social worker. It didn’t take long for me to become disillusioned. When I recognized the true nature of man and the impact of our choices, I understood the power of personal choice. Now I am totally convinced each of us is the way we are because we want to be. We rationalize and think of all kinds of reasons that this isn’t true but the bottom line is: we choose to be who we are.

When an opportunity for change comes and we don’t take it (out of fear, comfort level, disinterest) we are choosing to stay right where you are. And, neutral is not a normal gear – we either put it in drive or end up in reverse.

When you choose to move through personal challenges, you are opting for growth and becoming who you want to be. One of the key elements of serious growth is a plan. Too often a lack of a plan is a way of rationalizing the unwillingness to change.

Think about this week: 1) What growth pains am I experiencing? 2) How am I evaluating my opportunities for change? 3) Where do I want to grow?

Words of Wisdom: “We spend too much time affecting short-term behavior thinking we have made long-term alterations.”

Wisdom from the Word: “For this reason we also, from the day we heard about you, have not ceased praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” (Colossians 1:9 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – March 15, 2016

Fred and Mary Alice enjoyed sports. No one criticized the Cowboys when she was around – and you didn’t carry on casual conversation during the game! Fred’s friendship with All-America, All-Pro Bill Glass lasted over 50 years. He enjoyed talking with “Big Bill” about life principles he found in sports. Here are some of those ideas jotted down in the 1970s.

Not Just A Game

Sports are valuable for they not only teach us how to play, but also how to live. In sports we see the benefit of opposition. You can’t miss it when you watch Joe Green compete against Craig Morton. What if the league decided to ban opposition? What if Joe kept his hands down so Craig could pass better? What is Craig stood still so Joe could sack him easier? The crowd would kill them both! The game is thrilling and exciting because of opposition… the successful handling of opposition.

Life is like that – we succeed as we face and overcome opposition. We get stronger as we shoulder our burden – as we shove aside temptations and climb the hill of our adversity.

The hand is a wonderful thing. It carries its own opposition. It is the thumb. All the fingers press against it. This way we can lift, grip and twist. Without the opposition of the thumb we are crippled. I am told disability insurance pays more for the loss of a thumb than for a finger.

In life we learn to use our opposition. As we do, we get experience. Confidence comes with experience and then we learn to win. So be thankful for opposition.

A distinguished psychiatrist once told me it isn’t what we see in that’s important – it’s what the person sees. One of those the athlete sees is the will to win… the drive to be a pro. The doctor went on to say if we can know what the person sees we can forecast behavior. When we know what is going on inside the athlete we can see if there is the willingness to play hurt, the ability to concentrate on being the best at one thing. I like to call this “Pauline focus: ‘this one thing I do.’”

This week I played golf with an executive who told me: “We can test ability and personality, but we can’t test price he is willing to pay for success.”

This is where championship starts for all of us – the will to win… the will to win… to stay in the game even when losing and keep coming on. This isn’t true just on the football field but in the factory, the home, the office, the church, and the community. We can all be pros.

This week think about: 1) What is opposing me right now? 2) How can I distinguish healthy opposition from negative? 3) When did I identify my will to win?

Words of Wisdom: The hand is a wonderful thing; it carries its own opposition.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But although we suffered earlier and were mistreated in Philippi, as you know, we had the courage in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in spite of much opposition. (1 Thessalonians 2:2 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 26, 2016

Fred’s grasp of human nature gave him an almost uncanny ability to “read” people. His understanding of fundamental principles allowed him to assess motivations, habit patterns, and behavior. As in many situations, Fred knew there was an art and a science to the study of people.

Understanding Each Other

Those who use discernment in leadership can be helped by these principles:

1) Everyone is logical according to his or her reasoning base. I used to believe everyone who disagreed with me was illogical (since I was the measure of logic, of course). Alfred Adler showed me that everyone is logical if you understand the fundamental premise from which he/she is operating. It is important to recognize you don’t know the person’s base until you can accurately predict future behavior. Understanding their base enables me to understand their logic.

2) Dependence can create hostility. One of my psychiatrist friends introduced me to this concept. It has been emotionally helpful in business, and mentoring, as well as with the family. This occurs when someone is dependent emotionally, financially, or spiritually on someone else, and gets angry about it. In older age physical dependence can create this hostile environment. We see this in long term employment situations, and even in long term marriages. People who grow dependent deny their need while continuing to accept the benefits of the situation. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” is a perfect example of hostile dependence lived out.

3) Psychic space requirements differ from one person to another. In a small group a woman became extremely emotional and shouted out, “I hate you, I hate you!” What happened? The leader of the group invaded her personal space and triggered an outburst. As leaders, we need to be careful to correctly identify boundaries and not create emotionally compromising situations. Those who head cross-culturally certainly understand this concept for these limits change dramatically from one culture to another, creating possibilities for misunderstanding and mistrust. We have spiritual space, as well. Too often people jump into another’s space with “penetrating” questions that border on the curious not the interested. We must earn the right to be invited into “soul space.”

Understanding these principles helps us lead with integrity. Facts are always preceded by feelings and using discernment allows us to match one with the other.

This week think about: 1) How can I grow in the use of discernment? 2) What examples can I think of to demonstrate each principle? 3) How well do I know the people around me?

Words of Wisdom: “People who grow dependent deny their need while continuing to accept the benefits of the situation.”

Wisdom from the Word: “indeed, if you call out for discernment – raise your voice for understanding” (Proverbs 2:3 NET Bible)