Weekly Thought – October 6, 2020

Fred studied people. And along with daily research he enjoyed scientific and psychological work. He continually thought about what made people tick. His consulting business often focused on interaction among groups of people. His instincts were a clear part of his giftedness.

In light of the COVID restrictions, these thought from Fred significantly remind us of human touch. Although we may not apply them currently, we can file them away for future activation.

Hugs Are Important

One of my favorite subjects is therapeutic touch; I have been studying it for several years. I became interested because the President of the Sloan-Kettering Institute said to the American Medical Association during a lecture: “My father was a country doctor. He carried a little black medical valise. We know today that very little in that bag would fully heal anybody, but despite that, people got well. My Daddy put his hand on them and said, “You’re going to get well.” There is now an entire nursing association in New York City practicing therapeutic touch.

I did an interview for the University of Nebraska by telephone. It was the precursor to our teleconferences from my bed following my years of immobility. The students threw questions gat me. I loved the give and take. In preparation for the call, I read their student magazine. Included was a poem by Donna Swanson. It relates to touch and I included it.

When my Mother was 80 years old (on her way to 93) she began to get very wrinkled and was stooped over. It’s said old people miss tactile relationships with others because so many hesitate to touch them. I realized I stopped touching my Mother. Recognizing this, I started hugging her again – what a difference it made to her.

Let me share an excerpt from the poem titled Minnie Remembers by Donna Swanson.

“God, my hands are old; I’ve never said that out loud before, but they are. When did those slender, graceful hands become gnarled, shrunken claws… when, God?”

How long has it been since someone touched me? Twenty years? Twenty years since I’ve been a widow. Respected, smiled at, but never touched. Never held so close that loneliness was blotted out.

I remember how my mother used to hold me, God. Oh, God, I’m so lonely.

I remember the first boy who ever kissed me. I remember Hank and the babies. Out of the fumbling awkward attempts of new lovers came the babies. And Hank didn’t seem to mind if my body thickened and faded a little. He still loved it…and touched it. And the children hugged me a lot. Oh, God, I’m lonely!

God, why didn’t we raise the kids to be silly and affectionate as well as dignified and proper? They do their duty, they come to my room to pay their respects, but they don’t touch me. They call me Mom, or Mother, or Grandma.”

I was at a Christian conference in Kentucky when a frumpy little woman, almost square in shape, stood at the back, waiting for me to get through talking to others. Speakers always watch for that. If somebody stands and waits, they have something they want to say. She walked up to me, straightened up to her full five feet of height, and said, “Would you hug me?” “Of course I will.” I reached out and gave her a big hug. As she walked off I said to myself, “How long has that hug got to last? I knew – a long time.”

Consider carefully this week: 1) Even though physical hugs are unacceptable in this season, how can we express closeness to others? 2) Who needs a hug from our heart this week? ) What are the signs of physical deprivation?

Words of Wisdom: “I was very happy I relearned to touch my Mother.”

Wisdom from the Word: “When worries threaten to overwhelm me, your soothing touch makes me happy.” (Psalm 94:19 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – May 19, 2020

Fred enjoyed sincere, long-lasting friendships. He knew how to be a friend, a confidant, and understood how to create excellent relationships.

Believing these wisdom emails are helpful, we ask you to share with your colleagues, friends, and family. Fred’s heartbeat was stretching others. As his words still speak truth decades after originally written, we want him to continue being helpful.

Qualities of Excellent Relations

Relations require time… quality time. This can be a limiting factor in developing serious friendships. I don’t mean habitual time, but time which adapts and adjusts to the moving scenes of life. Like capital in a business which must be applied to create the most good at the right time, relations require the same strategic action.

Mature relationships also demand compromise. Since we are all unique there will never be total overlap. There will be differences and often the compromise is exposed in traditions from our upbringing, our view of life, our past experiences, and most importantly, our perspective for the future. In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.

In addition to time and compromise, it is necessary to share worthy projects. In my experience this is particularly true of men. We are not as apt to “do lunch,” as to work on something together. A friend with whom I worked for decades took early retirement. We knew to keep the relationship vital we must find meaningful work outside our company. We joined a corporate board together which gave us a clear reason for ongoing conversations, traveling, and making a strong contribution as a key part of the friendship. It has become a lifetime relationship which is both pleasant and profitable to others. Many of my longtime friends have served actively as Christian laymen, both in the church and parachurch organizations. Joining in Christian work together has given us opportunities to bridge life changes and grow together. We also shared the surviving and thriving of many Christian ministries.

Not only do we share projects, but we also share friends. One of life’s greater benefits is introducing friends to friends who then develop their own relationship. Building a network through the years spurs my own growth, as well as enjoying the synergy of these branches which occur. One of my dear friends Ron Glosser, former CEO of the Hershey Trust, has one of the most robust networks of any one I know. He is constantly trying to connect people in order to create a strong, productive outcome. Every time we talk he wants to know how he can pray for me, and how he can help me. He considers his network a gift of God to be used for His glory and to do much good in the world.

This week consider: 1) How intentional am I about building a helpful network? 2) Who are my best and closest friends? 3) What can I contribute to my friends?

Words of Wisdom: “In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So then, my brothers and sisters, dear friends whom I long to see, my joy and crown, stand in the Lord in this way, my dear friends.” (Philippians 4:1 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 14, 2020

Fred valued friendship, enjoying several relationships for a lifetime. His ability to keep confidences, offer wisdom, and enjoy experiences deepened friendships. The hallmark of relationship management is his keystone phrase: “Friendship is mutual.”

BWFLI further deepens our relationship with students this year, producing a series of sessions for a small group of students nominated by their school administrators and faculty. These will feature two team members focusing on one student, developing a serious relationship. We will strengthen their understanding of mentoring, networking, and perseverance.

Mutuality

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. If the relationship is healthy, we receive as well as give. Without mutuality health doesn’t exist, nor can it grow.

Exchange is a better word than share. Where one does all the giving and the other takes all, the relationship will be flawed, and in most cases will be short-lived.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone observe about the efficacy of mutuality I felt that the statement and the observer were cynical. But as I watched for this, I realized all parties must get something valuable from the relationship, or it will die. We must be motivated by the desire to give and if our motivation is to give more than we receive, health increases.

Not only must the benefits balance, but also the spirit of mutuality.

This cannot be formulaic or it eventually fails. When approached by the Philippian jailer with the question, “What must I do to be saved?” Peter answered with “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.” A current phrase reflects this: “Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship.”

Relations must be planned, and well maintained, if they are to flourish. Like floral designs, they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically with each unique flower relating to the others. Some friends must be enjoyed only in one environment. For example, they may be great bridge partners or fellow vacationers, but are not transferable to other environments. Others take a long time to develop and bloom, yet resemble the cactus which can survive contrary conditions.

A very few friends are for all seasons but most of our acquaintances are for particular times. We must consider each relation, knowing how best they fit into the arrangement. Our oldest granddaughter has a friend who said to her, “I have friends when I am serious and sad. You are my friend I laugh with.”

Those who would refute mutuality as the basis for long-lasting relationships quote John 3:16 to me. I feel this is proof of mutuality, not refutation. God created man to have a relationship with Him. The relationship is mutual in that communion is God giving His best to us and our yearning to give back to Him everything we have. The real proof: God wanted that fellowship so much that to redeem the broken world, fallen by sin, God sent Jesus Christ to restore the relationship. Man is precious to God.

This week think about: 1) How purposeful am I about developing healthy relationships? 2) What value do I bring to my friendships? 3) Who teaches me about the true meaning of mutuality?

Words of Wisdom: “Not only must the benefits balance, but also the spirit of mutuality.”

Wisdom from the Word: “He is the reason you have a relationship with Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption.” (1 Corinthians 1:30 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 12, 2019

Fred benefited from dear, close friends. At the end of his life during a hospital stay he spent a morning saying goodbye to many. The precious nature of these conversations demonstrated the depth of lifelong friendships.

As the year closes, your financial support is greatly appreciated.

Excellence in Relations

Mutuality is the heart of relations. We invest interest, time, energy, and love in others. Healthy relationships return them, as well. Without mutuality no relationship remains healthy. Exchange is a good word for this. When one does all the giving, and the other is the total receiver, the relationship isn’t good, and probably will not last long term.

Mutuality is pragmatic. The first time I heard someone say only mutual relations last I thought it was cynical. But as I have watched over the years I know all parties must get something valuable or the association eventually withers and dies. To ensure longevity each one must work to provide and receive value. I believe it is critical for each one want the other to receive a little more. That creates a healthy dynamic.

A strong relationship has a benefits balance and the true spirit of mutuality.

It is important to avoid looking for a formula. A relationship is much more. A current phrase puts it this way: “Christianity is not a religion; it is a relationship.” For example, when the Philippian jailer asked, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul didn’t give him a formula or a set of rules… he outlined a relationship: “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.”

Relations must be planned, and maintained. Like flowers in a beautiful garden they must be arranged harmoniously, artfully, and synergistically. Each flower must be well related to another.

Environments matter. Some relations, like flowers, only flourish in particular soils, or for certain seasons. Some are single purpose like flowers which may be colorful but have little or no aroma.

We must know the seasons of our relationships. Enjoying them fully during their peak and not expecting to bloom out of time creates harmony and health. Great memories keep them alive. Appreciation and gratitude are necessary for excellent relations.

This week think about: 1) How am I doing as a nurturer? 2) What can I do to increase the quality of my relations? 3) Who can I encourage this week?

Words of Wisdom: “Relationships are mutual.”

Wisdom from the Word: “‘Even if the mountains are removed and the hills displaced, my devotion will not be removed from you, nor will my covenant of friendship be displaced,’ says the Lord, the one who has compassion on you.” (Isaiah 54:10 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – December 6, 2016

Fred’s discernment enabled him to consult effectively, mentor wisely, and contribute thoughtfully. His ability to study people allowed him to grasp situations quickly. It also gave him the clarity to ask insightful questions.

The Breakfast with Fred Leadership Institute is actively planning for 2017. The February event at LeTourneau University as well as the April trip to Greenville College are both in high gear. Please pray for the teams and the schools. Pray for the glory of God to shine brightly.

Knowing People

Here are three simple things I have learned about people:

1) I have learned that I waste time in trying to correct other people’s mistakes and helping them become stronger in their soft spots. I should use the time to utilize their strengths and buttress their weaknesses. A lot of training program I have seen are geared to overcoming deficiencies – what a waste of time!

2) I have learned that you can’t change anybody else. Each person has to change himself or herself – you can’t do it for them. You can set up pressures or you can be there to encourage, but action can’t be taken for another. You might even create fear that will cause a temporary change but nothing permanent. We spend too much time affecting short-term behavior thinking we have made long-term alterations. It usually doesn’t take long to see if the change is real or not. If we forced it through artificial and external means, it won’t last. Think about a rubber band which can be stretched to a new shape, but once released will spring back to its original.

3) I have learned that people are the way they are because they want to be that way. I haven’t always believed this. In fact, early in my life I wanted to be a social worker. It didn’t take long for me to become disillusioned. When I recognized the true nature of man and the impact of our choices, I understood the power of personal choice. Now I am totally convinced each of us is the way we are because we want to be. We rationalize and think of all kinds of reasons that this isn’t true but the bottom line is: we choose to be who we are.

When an opportunity for change comes and we don’t take it (out of fear, comfort level, disinterest) we are choosing to stay right where you are. And, neutral is not a normal gear – we either put it in drive or end up in reverse.

When you choose to move through personal challenges, you are opting for growth and becoming who you want to be. One of the key elements of serious growth is a plan. Too often a lack of a plan is a way of rationalizing the unwillingness to change.

Think about this week: 1) What growth pains am I experiencing? 2) How am I evaluating my opportunities for change? 3) Where do I want to grow?

Words of Wisdom: “We spend too much time affecting short-term behavior thinking we have made long-term alterations.”

Wisdom from the Word: “For this reason we also, from the day we heard about you, have not ceased praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding.” (Colossians 1:9 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – March 15, 2016

Fred and Mary Alice enjoyed sports. No one criticized the Cowboys when she was around – and you didn’t carry on casual conversation during the game! Fred’s friendship with All-America, All-Pro Bill Glass lasted over 50 years. He enjoyed talking with “Big Bill” about life principles he found in sports. Here are some of those ideas jotted down in the 1970s.

Not Just A Game

Sports are valuable for they not only teach us how to play, but also how to live. In sports we see the benefit of opposition. You can’t miss it when you watch Joe Green compete against Craig Morton. What if the league decided to ban opposition? What if Joe kept his hands down so Craig could pass better? What is Craig stood still so Joe could sack him easier? The crowd would kill them both! The game is thrilling and exciting because of opposition… the successful handling of opposition.

Life is like that – we succeed as we face and overcome opposition. We get stronger as we shoulder our burden – as we shove aside temptations and climb the hill of our adversity.

The hand is a wonderful thing. It carries its own opposition. It is the thumb. All the fingers press against it. This way we can lift, grip and twist. Without the opposition of the thumb we are crippled. I am told disability insurance pays more for the loss of a thumb than for a finger.

In life we learn to use our opposition. As we do, we get experience. Confidence comes with experience and then we learn to win. So be thankful for opposition.

A distinguished psychiatrist once told me it isn’t what we see in that’s important – it’s what the person sees. One of those the athlete sees is the will to win… the drive to be a pro. The doctor went on to say if we can know what the person sees we can forecast behavior. When we know what is going on inside the athlete we can see if there is the willingness to play hurt, the ability to concentrate on being the best at one thing. I like to call this “Pauline focus: ‘this one thing I do.’”

This week I played golf with an executive who told me: “We can test ability and personality, but we can’t test price he is willing to pay for success.”

This is where championship starts for all of us – the will to win… the will to win… to stay in the game even when losing and keep coming on. This isn’t true just on the football field but in the factory, the home, the office, the church, and the community. We can all be pros.

This week think about: 1) What is opposing me right now? 2) How can I distinguish healthy opposition from negative? 3) When did I identify my will to win?

Words of Wisdom: The hand is a wonderful thing; it carries its own opposition.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But although we suffered earlier and were mistreated in Philippi, as you know, we had the courage in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in spite of much opposition. (1 Thessalonians 2:2 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 26, 2016

Fred’s grasp of human nature gave him an almost uncanny ability to “read” people. His understanding of fundamental principles allowed him to assess motivations, habit patterns, and behavior. As in many situations, Fred knew there was an art and a science to the study of people.

Understanding Each Other

Those who use discernment in leadership can be helped by these principles:

1) Everyone is logical according to his or her reasoning base. I used to believe everyone who disagreed with me was illogical (since I was the measure of logic, of course). Alfred Adler showed me that everyone is logical if you understand the fundamental premise from which he/she is operating. It is important to recognize you don’t know the person’s base until you can accurately predict future behavior. Understanding their base enables me to understand their logic.

2) Dependence can create hostility. One of my psychiatrist friends introduced me to this concept. It has been emotionally helpful in business, and mentoring, as well as with the family. This occurs when someone is dependent emotionally, financially, or spiritually on someone else, and gets angry about it. In older age physical dependence can create this hostile environment. We see this in long term employment situations, and even in long term marriages. People who grow dependent deny their need while continuing to accept the benefits of the situation. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” is a perfect example of hostile dependence lived out.

3) Psychic space requirements differ from one person to another. In a small group a woman became extremely emotional and shouted out, “I hate you, I hate you!” What happened? The leader of the group invaded her personal space and triggered an outburst. As leaders, we need to be careful to correctly identify boundaries and not create emotionally compromising situations. Those who head cross-culturally certainly understand this concept for these limits change dramatically from one culture to another, creating possibilities for misunderstanding and mistrust. We have spiritual space, as well. Too often people jump into another’s space with “penetrating” questions that border on the curious not the interested. We must earn the right to be invited into “soul space.”

Understanding these principles helps us lead with integrity. Facts are always preceded by feelings and using discernment allows us to match one with the other.

This week think about: 1) How can I grow in the use of discernment? 2) What examples can I think of to demonstrate each principle? 3) How well do I know the people around me?

Words of Wisdom: “People who grow dependent deny their need while continuing to accept the benefits of the situation.”

Wisdom from the Word: “indeed, if you call out for discernment – raise your voice for understanding” (Proverbs 2:3 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – April 15, 2014

Fred commented: “Parenting changes from managerial to relational as the family grows older.”  Later on, he remarked, “I have moved from being an authority figure to a consultant with my children.”  He enjoyed that role.  As an executive, he had difficulty leaving his management style at the office, but he tried.  Especially as he aged, he appreciated the value of relationship for its sake alone.  This week’s thought is unusual – it is a letter written from Fred to Howard E. Butt, a life-long friend.

Keep on praying for Taylor University and the strong team gathering on the campus April 24, 25.  Pray for those who come from Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky, and Texas to participate in our inter-generational ministry of connection.

Dear Howard

Howard – I’m beginning to see the family in a very different light.  The family’s primary function is a relationship to create loving relations and secondarily a production unit for developing mature individuals.  It is different from the plant, where production is primary and relation is secondary.  One hopes, and I believe it is possible, to have both functions running together smoothly, each complementing the other.  However, until we understand which is primary and which is secondary, we are not able to make a good, objective decision when one conflicts with the other.

Howard, you can’t believe what is happening as I’m writing these words to you.  Mary Alice is knocking on the door, wanting to know if I want to go to McDonald’s with Brenda, Mary Helen, and our four grandchildren.  I believe the Lord is testing me as to my sincerity, for you know that isn’t exactly what I want to do right now.  Yet, if I’m going to change according to my new knowledge, I must take leave of you and finish the letter when I get back.  (more…)

Weekly Thought – April 1, 2014

Fred lived a long life so he saw the death of many friends. He experienced loss. In his later years a friend cut ties with Fred because he misunderstood a situation. They were never reconciled. Fred suffered this break. Interestingly enough, he dealt with it using the same steps he wrote about 30 years earlier.

Often we hear “Fred’s words hit home this week. They were just what I needed.” It reinforces what Fred always said, “Principles never change – just the illustrations.” It is our privilege to keep Fred’s principle-based thinking available.

When Friendships Die

When friendships die – and they do – life goes on. It should go on in the best way possible. Neither should stagger through life as if they lost a limb. I have found these seven helpful:

1) Admit it, without recrimination. When we are sure a person is dead, we bury the corpse. We go through the stages of grief, and expect to end up as mature individuals. The loss of a friendship prompts a grief response. Placing blame hinders healthy healing.

2) Don’t let the rejection make enemies. Just as we are honored to be chosen as a friend, we are deeply hurt to be rejected. Though it may be natural, we cannot allow the meaner nature make an enemy of our former friend.

3) Keep confidences received during friendship. Your very self-respect depends on this one. Divulging confidences ends in guilt-producing consequences. And frankly, such actions can lead to reprisals. The death of a friendship is bad enough without opening doors for continuing bitterness.    (more…)

Weekly Thought – March 25, 2014

Fred believed in the value of psychic space.  He carefully respected these lines we draw to protect ourselves.  A woman once came up to Fred after a speech to ask a question.  Fred responded with another query.  She expressed great anger.  A psychiatrist friend explained he had violated her psychic space.  Friendships negotiate space and the masks we wear to fortress our inner selves.

Want to know more about the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute?  There are two great places to understand more: 1) Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute page on Facebook and 2) bwfli.com   See faces, read stories, and acquaint yourself with Fred’s ongoing legacy.

The Importance of Masks

Dealing with masks is a critical element of friendship.  They must be understood and appreciated.

We all wear masks.  We all hide areas of our lives from public view. When we think of them we sometimes feel guilt, anxiety, hurt, and even fear as we think about being exposed.  We don’t want everyone to see or know the deepest parts of ourselves.

Friendship allows us to begin the process of unmasking.  We take test drives on lifting the mask, judging the reaction of another – dipping our toe into the psychological waters.  “Are they shocked?  Are they empathetic? Are they nonchalant?”  We peek out little by little.

Masks are like bandages.  Small ones cover scrapes; rolls of gauze cover serious wounds.  We create them to adequately protect the sensitive part of our life – the part we don’t want to open to criticism or ridicule.  We don’t even want to lift the bandage to see the hurt ourselves.    (more…)