Motivation or Manipulation?

Weekly Thought – April 9, 2024

Fred liked to say he was allergic to manipulation. His discernment was highly developed and those who tried to impress him in order to achieve their goals usually failed quickly. Motivation, on the other hand, was a skill he highly regarded.

Motivation or Manipulation?

Motivation is getting people to do something with mutual advantage. Manipulation is getting people to do what you want them to do, primarily for personal advantage. If the other person benefits, it is purely secondary. Manipulation carries a hidden agenda whereas motivation is open about the goal. When motivating you can be totally honest.

We know that there is a fine line to be walked. All of us agree that motivation is good while manipulation is bad. But sometimes only a fine line separates the two and it can be difficult to know exactly which side of the line you are on. The issues aren’t always clear cut… what may be a legitimate source of motivation in one situation could be manipulation – intent matters. What is the driver?

For example, I dislike eggplant and won’t willingly or knowingly eat it. What if Mary Alice decided to add it into a familiar casserole which I eat without question then compliment her on it? “Oh, I am glad you liked it. It was eggplant.” Alright, was that motivation because she knew it was good for me, or manipulation because she knew I would not try it if I knew before lifting my fork?

In an interesting evening of conversation with a group of friends in Minnesota one chided me, “You businessmen exchange and mistake manipulation for motivation.” This renown psychiatrist enjoyed poking “us businessmen.” “Okay, doc what is the difference?” “If you can substitute the word it works with motivation, but not with manipulation.” He was saying to check and see if we are satisfying someone’s thirst or whether we are meeting our own needs. One is motivational while the other is manipulative. Since that evening I have found the principle to be helpful. I can motivate with integrity when I am bringing to consciousness a genuine thirst.

Care must be taken in trying to “uncover a thirst.” When we attempt to do this without the other person’s awareness , we are pushing that thin line. To be helpful we can try to bring out an unrecognized latent desire, but we need to remember three things: 1) recognize how close we are to manipulation; 2) set a checkpoint and if our technique doesn’t produce a genuine thirst, then stop; 3) never resort to immoral means even for righteous ends.

Instilling motivation is hard work. I sometimes hear people say, “well, if a person doesn’t want to go or grow, then I don’t have the right to try to get him there.” I have no right to manipulate, but neither can I allow the fear of crossing the line to be a rationalization for not doing the hard work of instilling motivation. After all, this is one of a leader’s most important tasks.

This week carefully consider: 1) How tempted am I to manipulate to get even short term results? 2) What is my most effective way of motivating? 3) Who is a model for motivation, not manipulation?

Words of Wisdom: “Manipulation carries a hidden agenda; motivation can be open about the goal.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So get rid of all evil and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.” (1 Peter 2:1 NET Bible)

Showing Off

Brenda’s Blog – April 9, 2024

An internet “psychic” service advertised their prowess in opening doors to satisfying romance. This campaign ran before February 14th knowing the data shows New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day topping the list of “worst nights for singles.”

The assuring male voice tells the potential client about the value of paying for supernatural guidance which will bring ultimate happiness and success. After the pitch sets the emotional stage, the radio ad finishes with the tag line: “Flaunt Your Love Life!” Their implication is using their service will lead to unbridled, jealousy-producing relationships.

Beyond bemusement I considered the implication of their tag line. Love is no longer a precious, personal gift from God but a commodity to be monetized. To desire a relationship for the sole purpose of generating envy makes it sound like a drop-dead outfit with killer shoes.

We are desensitized to the profound nature of true love. We see celebrities proudly using each other for professional gain (until they tire or max out the value). Commitment becomes a matter of “lunch tomorrow.” Utility is the measure, not fidelity.

I don’t know if the West Coast seers are magically finding partners for their clients, but I do know true love is not for flaunting, but for fostering.

Appreciation is a Gift

Weekly Thought – April 2, 2024

Fred often quoted Canadian Hans Selye, author of Stress without Distress. Dr. Selye, in his study on emotions found gratitude as the healthiest emotion. Fred’s respect for the work influenced his thinking and speaking.

Appreciation is a Gift

Once I was asked to speak at the graduation of a drug center in which those who completed the program asked another participant to come stand with him as he received his certificate. His gratitude for the support and friendship was clear. Then another walked up to be recognized. As he did I noticed a woman perk up. She was fortyish, very tired looking, and poorly dressed. The stress showed on her face. When this young man spoke, he thanked the institution, his sponsor, then stopped and turned to speak directly to this woman. “Thanks, Mom.” Her tears began. That may have been the first time he had thanked his mother for all she had come through with him. The gift of appreciation was experienced by both of them that day.

Throughout my business career I’ve been impressed with the importance of assistants so I have tried to get to know them personally. Just last week while I was waiting for my friend, the CEO of a large Dallas company, his executive assistant came out to visit with me while I waited. He had previously told me how much he appreciated her and how capable she was. When I told her what he said, she responded, “You mean he said that about me?” She paused and repeated, “He really said that about me? I can’t believe it!” He appreciated her greatly but simply failed to let her know. He held in his hand a gift but never gave it to her.

When I sat down to type for the first time in several weeks I found a piece of paper in my antique Selectric typewriter.
“Grandfather, whenever you get this, know that I love you. Thank you for your support and continual love. You mean a lot to me.” It wasn’t signed, but it didn’t need to be.

Mary Alice and I were attending an out of town meeting. Before it started we were shaking hands. A woman we didn’t know walked up to introduce herself. All of a sudden, her eyes lit up and she grabbed Mary Alice’s hand. “You are Fred, Jr.’s mother, aren’t you? I will never be able to express my appreciation to him for he kept our son from failing. He didn’t give up, even when our son didn’t seem worth the effort.” Our son Fred had been more than a teacher – he had given this young man the gift of encouragement. Her appreciation was then a gift to Mary Alice.

My good friend Zig Ziglar loves to say, “Catch somebody doing something good…and let them know.” That is the key to making appreciation an everyday habit.

This week think about: 1) Who can I encourage through appreciation this week? 2) What tells me I am appreciated? 3) Why do you think gratitude is a healthy emotion?

Words of Wisdom: “Appreciation is a gift we can give.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Hezekiah expressed his appreciation to all the Levites, who demonstrated great skill in serving the LORD. “ (2 Chronicles 30:22(a) NET Bible)

Up to Speed

Brenda’s Blog – March 26, 2024

“Brenda, there is not a curve on this road that isn’t engineered to be taken at the stated speed. You don’t have to ride the brake through the entire curve.”

Recently, I was behind a very cautious driver navigating our hilly, narrow roads out to the main road in East Texas. I was late to church and aggravated as I saw the brake lights permanently shining in the early morning darkness. “For goodness sake, just keep on – you don’t need to crawl through every little hill or curve!” was what I was thinking.

Then I remembered myself as a 16 year old on a road trip with my Dad. Traveling to North Carolina with him was great fun… except when he decided I needed mountain experience. I clung to the road and the steering wheel with my foot rarely leaving the brake – much to my Dad’s frustration. Finally, he “explained” the fine points of road design.

He was right. If the engineer thought the risk required a severe reduction in speed the signs indicated the information. But as a very “fraidy cat” teenage driver I hesitantly entered every curve as if my caution was all that stood between us and the precipice below.

Finally, Dad decided I had all the experience I needed for that day! (And of course, the agony for him.)

In trying to be patient the other day it occurred to me that God works the same way with us. “Yes, this struggle, this storm, this turmoil makes you want to withdraw, putting on your brakes. But, there is no situation that I haven’t divinely engineered with the capacity to trust me and lean into the situation rather than slamming on the brakes – trust me!”

He knows – He cares – He doesn’t want us to go over the cliff. But He also doesn’t want us to throw up our hands, flailing like the faithless. If it is a 60 miles per hour curve, then He has given us all we need to keep us moving. If He knows we need to reduce the speed of life, resting from the tumult, He will provide that, as well. But the choice is His – we are to trust His wisdom just as we trust the engineering expertise of those who constructed the curvy mountain roads of Western North Carolina.

The Permanent Parent

Weekly Thought – March 26, 2024

Fred admitted to his uncomfortable role as father to young ones. However, as the three grew they all developed relationships with him which endured. In his now-famous “last words” delivered at his own memorial service he made the startling statement: “I want to leave my children loving and respecting me, not needing me.” He and Mary Alice gave them lessons which prepared them for their absence and for their everlasting future together.

The Permanent Parent

Our heavenly father is permanent. He brings us into a forever relationship. God creates a bond which cannot be broken because it is fixed. Scripture says “no one can take them out of my hand.” He is a forever parent, never contingent or conditional.

In 1993 we celebrated our 56th anniversary and stopped in Austin to have lunch with a life-long pastoral friend. He told us of a woman who had been in counseling for over 20 years. She was still struggling with the failure to ever please her father. She was a good student who brought home high marks only to hear “Don’t they give any A+ grades down there?” She was crushed. Our relationship with God is not like that one. Our acceptance is based strictly on His love.

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is expressed by the Apostle Paul: “neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” When our daughter Brenda went to college she lettered that verse on a card and added “nor Denison University” recognizing that no place could be strong enough to shake the permanent nature of God’s hold.

Maturity brings us into this permanent relationship with God the father. There is an intimacy in the perfect relationship. But I have found that intimacy cannot be planned. It cannot be a task or a number one priority. Intimate conversation has to come about naturally. All we can do is give it the opportunity, the honesty, and openness to appreciate it when it does come. Confidence in the permanence of the relationship whether spiritual or human creates a platform from which intimacy can grow. When we are secure in the enduring quality we have the freedom to open up. Prayer grows as we know Him – and understand that we are known.

On a human basis, I find the perfect human relationship is when we gain mutual respect for each other. We become each other’s teacher and mentor. I now recognize my children are able to teach me just as much as I am able to teach them… and sometimes more. This lesson is taught through shared lives, trusting experiences, and lifelong work. The children occasionally thank me for the lessons I have learned in parenting. They comment that I have done a fair job of “reparenting.” As God parents me and I understand His patterns and principles I can apply them in the family. Thankfully He does a more consistent job than I do because I always have a permanent and perfect model to follow.

This week carefully ponder: 1) How deeply do I desire to know God as a father? 2) What Biblical principles can I apply to my family life? 3) When do I most enjoy parenting?

Words of Wisdom: “Our heavenly father is a permanent parent.”
Wisdom from the Word: “See what sort of love the Father has given to us: that we should be called God’s children – and indeed we are!” (1 John 3:1 NET Bible)

The Perseverance Effect

Weekly Thought – March 19, 2024

Fred saw perseverance as the bedrock of a strong character. He frequently quoted Romans 3:3-5 substituting the word “perseverance” for “endurance.” “…We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame.”

The Perseverance Effect

Character is built through perseverance. In Romans 5 we see the process that moves from a position of grace through tribulation and suffering to perseverance and on to character which gives us great hope. Today’s society emphasizes personality and intelligence as the critical elements. But no, it is character for it is the seat of our values – the custodian of our will. You have heard me say before I am convinced the most major failures are ones of character breakdown, not of personality or intelligence.

During a losing season with the Dallas Mavericks Norm Sonju publicly stated that this was the “season of the north side of the tree.” Do you know where we got that phrase? A leading boat manufacturer advertised that they made their hulls from lumber that came from the northside having survived the battering of weather. My friend and mentor Maxey Jarman referred to business downturns as “times that burn the fat off our soul.” Perseverance and character don’t coexist with fat souls.

Character tells us where we will stand on issues, for how long, and at what price. Oswald Chambers warns that if we can’t take the small test we will inevitably fail the large one. Many fool themselves into thinking that they fail the small, but will triumph in the big ones… it just won’t happen. Character is determined by who we are becoming through our choices, our experiences, and our accomplishments. This is the totality of decisions – not just the winning ones.

The Apostle Paul cites the process beginning with suffering. In my experience I have seen trouble speed character development. Prosperity is generally not the soil of great perseverance or of character. In fact, it is a well known fact that no person nor society can endure continuous prosperity. As we rightly experience our valleys we learn the place of prayer, the power of scripture, and the presence of the Spirit. In Isaiah we read “I will give you the treasures of darkness.” God is an artist who paints with both light and dark colors.

Malcolm Muggeridge replied when asked about the value of suffering responded: “Everything I have learned in my seventy-five years, everything that truly enhanced and enlightened my existence, has been through affliction and not happiness. If affliction were eliminated, it would not make life delectable but banal and trivial.”

This week think about: 1) How am I using the dark times to build character? 2) Who is watching me handle difficulties? 3) When have I experienced the hope which is the result of the process?

Words of Wisdom: “Character is built through perseverance.”

Wisdom from the Word: “As a result we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and afflictions you are enduring.” (2 Thessalonians 1:4 NET Bible)

How Do I Love You?

Brenda’s Blog – March 12, 2024

“I knew he loved me and I loved him when he chose me over the Cowboys!”

The young woman’s comment made me smile. For a Texas born and raised man to prioritize his wife over a Cowboys game on TV was huge. It spoke love to her!

It also made me think about the choices I make. Some life changing decisions are ordinary. But they make a significant difference. Dr. Gary Chapman wrote of the Five Love Languages changing the way we maximized relationships. After identifying our own “language” too often we assume ours is universal and attempt to demonstrate love to others by the use of our own. However, Dr. Chapman emphasizes the proper understanding of the individual styles and appropriately applying them.

Clearly, my young friend with a wise husband, hears love when time and focused attention are the expression. To choose time with her above all others (even and especially favorite sports teams) says “I love you” in a way that truly speaks to her.

When my son-in-law changes light bulbs for me, or blows leaves from the back deck it says love to me for “acts of service” is definitely my language. Gifts, or even words of affirmation, are appreciated but miss the mark. Climbing a ladder and cleaning out a gutter definitely thrills my heart.

Being loved is a human requirement for thriving and flourishing. Being understood is a critical element of health. What a blessing we can be to others by taking time to study and correctly identify what translates as love and skillfully employing it in our relationships.

Now that my friend is assured of her husband’s love she is free to occasionally don her Cowboys tee shirt and cheer “the boys” on!

Benefits of Aging

Weekly Thought – March 12, 2024

Fred served as mentor to leaders throughout North America. One, Dr. Ramesh Richard, considered him his “wise old owl” and brought an owl figurine from his proclamation and training journeys worldwide. They were displayed in his bedroom where he could see them from his hospital bed. On his death they were returned to Dr. Richard to distribute as a blessing.

Benefits of Aging

I think that it is important to look at some of the benefits of getting older.

1) Selective tension- Older people are usually tense over important things, not over everything. So many young people maintain such a high level of stress they have no peaks and valleys. There was a time when golf consumed my time. My memory and quickness seemed to wane. In checking with a psychiatrist friend (on a non-professional basis) he told me the brain is a muscle and I had put too much leisure into my schedule. “Bring back some constructive tension and you will improve.” I did – and it did!
2) Clarified values. In aging I agree with the philosopher who says that who we are influences our happiness much more than what we have. As we grow older we have the opportunity to sort through our value system. One caveat: as we clarify we are tempted to force our value structures on younger people. They haven’t had the experiences and growth which matures so imposing our “wisdom” on them can create relational chafing.
3) Experience. Proverbs 20:29 says “The glory of young men is their strength; of old men their experience.” We can take knowledge, run it through the press of experience, and out comes a powerful concentrate – wisdom. Faith is better than experience because it doesn’t come with the scars. In my estimation faith and experience can lead to the same destination. The older I get, the more faith looks like the best path.
4) Increased excitement. The last minutes of a sporting event generate tremendous excitement. I once sat in the pit with one of the Indy 500 crews. The last 100 miles were “the reason for the first 400.” All the experiences, friends, association, and education are consummated in these last years.
5) Tested Relationships. As we grow older, relationships mature. We have tested our friendship over the years and know which ones will hold and which ones will always be tentative. We learn to trust people with whom we can talk confidentially. They’re real. And it’s a wonderful thing to know we will probably be neighbors in heaven.
6) Death is part of life. The great hope of heaven is that I will know the full truth. I think it is important as we go along through life to create certain thirsts that death will satisfy. For example, the thirst for truth, immortality, knowing God, and renewing relationships with those who have gone ahead. You start developing these in your teens, feed and nurture them, and then when the time comes it becomes a graduation.

This week carefully consider: 1) How well am I managing my aging process? 2) What interests are stimulating my brain? 3) Who models finishing well for me?

Words of Wisdom: “Aging has definable benefits.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man who had lived a full life.” (Genesis 25:8 NET Bible)

Fear Can Be Beaten

Weekly Thought – March 5, 2024

Fred was considered a mentor by countless young business men – many of whom he met when speaking on college campuses. One was Jarrell McCracken, founder of Word Books and Records. In this excerpt of vintage 1960 material Fred speaks to their national sales force.

Fear Can Be Beaten

As I see it fear is one of the two biggest problems in sales; discouragement is the other. I can give you a lot of quick, easy answers, but they have a problem – they don’t work. They make wonderful articles and sell well, but are actually only aspirin tablets.

Tonight I don’t want to talk about aspirin. I want to talk about the causes of fear and to overcome it. You don’t have fear? Don’t kid me or yourself – all salesmen have fear.

Let me sum up the five of the basic reasons for the “why” of fear:

1) People will find out we’re insincere. Layden Stroud, one of the foremost insurance men in Dallas always says “people don’t care how much I know until they know how much I care.’
2) We are there for selfish reasons. Who is uppermost in our mind – the good of the prospect or the personal value of the sale? Great salesmen believe when they leave the client genuine value has been contributed.
3) Our pride gets hurt when we tell someone we are salesmen and they immediately say “no.” When meeting someone for the first time how do you answer their question,” What do you do?”
4) We don’t have adequate knowledge. An old training adage is “he who stops learning stops getting better.” Prospects know when we know – and when we don’t.
5) We haven’t done our homework and we are unprepared for the appointment. It is said that the successful do what the unsuccessful are unwilling to do. Good luck is where preparation and opportunity intersect. Fear often evaporates in the heat of solid preparation.

I am convinced fear is selfishness; fear is pride; and fear is ignorance. Therefore, fear is wrong. The Bible tells us we are not given the spirit of fear. And also we read that perfect love casts out fear.

Confidence and fear can come from the same root. For example, many of my friends know I love sports cars. We had one delivered the other day and I drove my wife over to Petersburg, Virginia. I love to put a car through its paces in the mountains. I was doing some curves (quiet, gentle ones, of course) thoroughly enjoying the car’s performance. Mary Alice who does not share my enthusiasm began showing nervousness. In our many years of marriage and road trips we have encountered several thousand curves without any trouble. This has given me confidence. However, for Mary Alice it has increased her fear. She figures the law of averages says an accident is due; I believe this record gives experience and confidence. If you think: “Boy, I’ve sold four out of the last five customers I’m bound to lose the next few, this is fear. But if you say, “Boy, I’ve sold four out of the last five I have quite a streak going!” That is an experience-based, confident approach.

Fear is a reality, but it doesn’t have to immobilize. Check carefully on your sincerity, your motivation, your preparation, and your pride. Are you convinced what you are doing is a fair exchange for your time and energy because you and your products were there? If so, then you can go in faith, not fear. You can have the spirit of confidence, not cowardice.

This week think carefully about: 1) I may not be in professional sales, but I how can these principles apply to my career? 2) What situation has created fear for me lately? 3) How genuinely prepared am I for my day to day interactions with others?

Words of Wisdom: “I am convinced fear is selfishness; fear is pride; and fear is ignorance. Therefore, fear is wrong.”

Wisdom from the Word: “For God did not give us a Spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NET Bible)

Step By Step

Brenda’s Blog – February 27, 2024

“When I start a project I think through all the steps then I begin knowing exactly what the end result will be.”

Eric Hollenbeck, the prominent craftsman from Eureka, CA is featured on a Magnolia Network TV series titled The Craftsman. He infuses his philosophy of life, work, community, and service throughout each episode. He often emphasizes that each project is unique, not a mass production. Therefore, each one requires serious thought, solutions, and plans. He points out that a crucial part of his strategy is to think through each step of the project to the very end. When that is complete then he begins with a clear sense of the outcome.

It makes me consider the way God works with us in our Christian lives. He knows the beginning from the end; He is the author and finisher of the work He undertakes. The maturing process is called sanctification and is a serious, series of steps which God takes. The project has a pre-determined conclusion – looking like Jesus… Being transformed into the image of God’s own dear Son. He, like Eric Hollenbeck, considers the entire work. When He drew us to Himself He set us on a path with definite steps which reach a beautiful conclusion in glorification and time with Him forever – just as He planned.

Years ago as a young family we regularly entertained church groups. When preparing for a large dinner I would think through each and every step just as if I were doing them. I always said “when I see it and can walk through it in my mind, I am ready to get to work.” I knew the steps to take, and having prepared mentally I could begin.

Are you facing a daunting task? Are you considering a change? Think through the steps to take between the outset and the outcome. Then get started.

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