Family Magnetism

Weekly Thought – April 8, 2014

Fred grew up as the third boy in a family of five. His Dad was a Southern Baptist preacher who pastored in the mill district of North Nashville during the depression. His Mother was a strong woman who fed their family of seven (and everyone else who came to the door) by watering down the soup and stretching the vegetables. He met his wife Mary Alice in English class when they were twelve, but didn’t date until after high school. They raised three children and the family now includes 6 grandchildren and 13 great grandchildren.

Your continuing support for the Weekly Thought and the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute is deeply appreciated. Please pray for the event at Taylor University April 24, 25. The team goes to “stretch and bless the next generation of leaders… to the glory of God.”

Family Magnetism

A family is like a cluster of steel balls held together by a strong, unifying magnetism. Each member is separate, yet together, drawn by the magnetism in each ball and held by the force of the whole. The cluster is flexible, not permanently joined to one piece or another. Families, too, should be gathered together by the force of love while holding individuality and not permanently affixed in position. This allows for growth and change.

As the families grow, the steel pieces are added, and the force of love encompasses them all. The magnetism is not a closed universe, but expands as the family model changes. The addition of more children, in-laws, and grandchildren just stretches the reach of the magnetism.

In the magnetized “ball cluster” concept, love’s magnetism does not restrict movement, growth, individual responsibility, or our identity. If something happens to one, the others coagulate, forming a new cluster.

In contrast, hostility pushes the pieces apart and turns the magnetism into non-magnetism and polarized relations. (more…)

Water Features

Brenda’s Blog – April 1, 2014

“Hmmmm, wonder what that sound is…” The distinct sound of running water intrigued me as I emptied my suitcases from two weeks on the road. Putting on my grown-up self, I followed the sound to the front porch where I found a glorious new water feature. But wait, I didn’t have a water fall added to my house!

Yes, a broken pipe was allowing water to flow abundantly down to the ground creating a pool…
So, what did I learn?

1) The kindness of neighbors brings immeasurable relief, especially when they can manage the main water cutoff;

2) Plumbers who call at 6:30 am are received with great appreciation.

3) Life is much like frozen pipes. What?

When our circumstances get difficult we seem to handle them well. We don’t show the strain or the stress… we look good. We adopt the “don’t ever let them see you sweat.” We push through.

Then, the pressure is off and we crater. A good friend had a particularly rigorous schedule for the last month. When he finished the last activity, an unmerciful virus felled him. He said he felt like it just caught up to him. When he was running hard he couldn’t stop to be sick, but the minute he let up – wham!

The same is true for my pipe. The break occurred during the subzero weather, but the frozen water held it together. Only when the temperature rose, and the melting began, did the pipe let go and release the water. It looked so promising as I checked it during the arctic weather, but only when the sun came out did I realize the damage.

“I am concerned about you when your parents are both gone.” My doctor’s words alerted me to the frequency of illness after a long caregiving period. “Make sure you keep your immune system in shape and prepare for the decompression time.” I made plans to navigate those post-caregiving waters to avoid the crash, knowing the seven years of living in the red zone might threaten my health.

Could I have prevented the break? I encased it in -30 wrap and spoke words of encouragement after each storm. “Way to go, pipes, you are doing a GREAT job!” But the builder of this house left them exposed and no amount of TLC could ensure their safety. We are the same way. Our environment plays a large part in the way we handle pressure. When we put ourselves into no win situations, we are usually left with damage control, hoping a “life plumber” will come quickly.

Plumber is gone; water is running; and, I am thankful for broken pipes which teach me the truths of everyday living.

When Friendships Die

Weekly Thought – April 1, 2014

Fred lived a long life so he saw the death of many friends. He experienced loss. In his later years a friend cut ties with Fred because he misunderstood a situation. They were never reconciled. Fred suffered this break. Interestingly enough, he dealt with it using the same steps he wrote about 30 years earlier.

Often we hear “Fred’s words hit home this week. They were just what I needed.” It reinforces what Fred always said, “Principles never change – just the illustrations.” It is our privilege to keep Fred’s principle-based thinking available.

When Friendships Die

When friendships die – and they do – life goes on. It should go on in the best way possible. Neither should stagger through life as if they lost a limb. I have found these seven helpful:

1) Admit it, without recrimination. When we are sure a person is dead, we bury the corpse. We go through the stages of grief, and expect to end up as mature individuals. The loss of a friendship prompts a grief response. Placing blame hinders healthy healing.

2) Don’t let the rejection make enemies. Just as we are honored to be chosen as a friend, we are deeply hurt to be rejected. Though it may be natural, we cannot allow the meaner nature make an enemy of our former friend.

3) Keep confidences received during friendship. Your very self-respect depends on this one. Divulging confidences ends in guilt-producing consequences. And frankly, such actions can lead to reprisals. The death of a friendship is bad enough without opening doors for continuing bitterness. (more…)

The Importance of Masks

Weekly Thought – March 25, 2014

Fred believed in the value of psychic space. He carefully respected these lines we draw to protect ourselves. A woman once came up to Fred after a speech to ask a question. Fred responded with another query. She expressed great anger. A psychiatrist friend explained he had violated her psychic space. Friendships negotiate space and the masks we wear to fortress our inner selves.

Want to know more about the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute? There are two great places to understand more: 1) Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute page on Facebook and 2) bwfli.com See faces, read stories, and acquaint yourself with Fred’s ongoing legacy.

The Importance of Masks

Dealing with masks is a critical element of friendship. They must be understood and appreciated.

We all wear masks. We all hide areas of our lives from public view. When we think of them we sometimes feel guilt, anxiety, hurt, and even fear as we think about being exposed. We don’t want everyone to see or know the deepest parts of ourselves.

Friendship allows us to begin the process of unmasking. We take test drives on lifting the mask, judging the reaction of another – dipping our toe into the psychological waters. “Are they shocked? Are they empathetic? Are they nonchalant?” We peek out little by little.

Masks are like bandages. Small ones cover scrapes; rolls of gauze cover serious wounds. We create them to adequately protect the sensitive part of our life – the part we don’t want to open to criticism or ridicule. We don’t even want to lift the bandage to see the hurt ourselves. (more…)

The Maker’s Mark

Brenda’s Blog – March 18¸2014

“Bourbon Trail” said the sign along the Kentucky highway. Famous distilleries (known even to non-imbibers) graced the landscape.

The exit notifications told me the distillery for Maker’s Mark® was ahead. No, I wasn’t tempted to visit their tasting room, but it set my mind whirring. The Maker’s Mark — what a wonderful phrase for Christians. Don’t we bear the mark of our Maker?

One of my cousins raised her family in Bardstown, Kentucky, home of the Jim Beam Distillery. Her daughter said everything in their house smelled like bourbon, including their clothes and their furniture. This beautiful little town is the home of the “Bourbon Festival” each year, welcoming guests from all over the country to relish their products. You cannot miss the sweet smell of success in this quaint community.

What is the mark we carry? What is the aroma emanating from our lives? I think Jesus gave us a hint when He said, “They will know you are mine by your love for one another.” Love is our mark. What is the aroma? As we lift our voices and dedicate our lives to Him we present ourselves as living sacrifices. We become precious offerings of praise to our God. We are to be aroma therapy for a world sinking into a stinking morass.

I love collecting pottery. The ones produced by the hands of artisans are marked as evidence of craftsmanship and pride of ownership. Mass produced items never have a personal signature. Who has signed you? Who says, “They are mine.”

In Ephesians 2, Paul tells us we are God’s workmanship. He has created us for a specific purpose and has designed us with work to do which will show His mark to the world. We are the work of His hands and we wear His mark with dignity because we are created in His image.

We are the distillation of His grace and in ALL ways wearer of The Maker’s Mark.

Keeping Confidences

Weekly Thought – March 18, 2014

Fred was asked the “secret” of his friendships with so many substantial and influential people, especially since he had no educational background or social pedigree that would create those natural alliances. “I want nothing from them and they can trust me.” He once said, “When I die years of confidences will go with me.”

He valued the confidence of others, as well. His faithful secretary Margie Keith listened to his thinking for hundreds of hours as she transcribed his tapes. She never disclosed his thoughts. Last month Margie died in Floyd, VA. She will be missed and her contribution to our ongoing work can never be overestimated. Please remember her sister Wilma Reed who faithfully cared for her.

Keeping Confidences

Strong friendships involve confidences. The giving and receiving of them is the true test of the relationship. They grow in proportion to the confidences which we share with one another. This demonstrates trust. Therefore, true friendships grow slowly.

Within each of us is the desire to be known, but each of us does not have the same ability or willingness. Often it is easier to know others than to be known by others. When I say “know” I mean a deep understanding. Often it is easy to create temporary relationships which look like trusting and knowing, but are actually just passing by. It is easy to feign attachment.

One of the key elements of sharing confidences is knowing how strongly someone feels about the subject being shared. There are times when something is publicly shared without malice, but just out of misunderstanding the depth and seriousness of the confidence. Friendships can be jeopardized or even ended by careless exposure. (more…)

Interested, but not Curious

Weekly Thought – March 11, 2014

Fred thoroughly understood the paradox of being both wise and gentle. He valued friendships and carefully considered what it meant to make and keep friendships. He wrote a great deal about the nature of business and personal relationships, offering clear thinking and challenge.

Thank you for your encouraging emails. Fred constantly asked the Lord to make him useful – we continue to ask the same. Our goal is to be helpful by bringing you Fred’s thinking.

Interested, but not Curious

The deep, sincere interest in each other as friends does not include curiosity. Personally, I am “turned off” by those who exhibit idle curiosity about me. Interested-yes; curious-no.

Often people confuse interest in people with curiosity about people. The tabloid culture fosters endless curiosity which has no limits – not even boundaries of common courtesy. The desire to know more and more is morbid and indecent. On the other hand, interest has a positive, helpful, outgoing connotation.

Curiosity is self-centered and self-serving. It scratches an itch that is strictly for selfish satisfaction. It has nothing to do with the serving the good of another. Celebrity chasers don’t think about higher aims for they just want to “get the story.”

Interest is founded on the desire to do good, be helpful, participate in growth, and stretch others. It is part of the process of finding ways to serve. These motivations are 180 degrees apart. (more…)

What is Love?

Weekly Thought – March 4, 2014

Fred’s memorial service featured a DVD produced six months before his death. He shared wisdom, humor, and inspiration. He spoke of the legacy he wanted to leave for his children: “I don’t want them to need me; I want them to love me.” Fred loved deeply, but he didn’t like to be “ooky-gooky” about it. Yes, that is his expression.

Thank you for praying with the Breakfast With Fred Leadership Institute team. God’s presence and power filled the days. The Palm Beach Atlantic University campus was “buzzing” with the conversations, the interactions, and the prayer. The team appreciates the warm hospitality of PBA.

What is Love?

“How do you define love, Fred?” Frankly, I don’t have a concise and precise answer that covers the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual elements. After all, the Greeks had at least four different words.

Love is so poorly understood. The best definition I have found is: “Love is willing the ultimate good for the other person.” I like the idea of “willing,” rather than “wanting,” “feeling,” or “wishing.” Love is deeply rooted in the will.

If left to feelings, it invariably becomes selfish. Because we are fundamentally self-centered, undisciplined love focuses on ourselves and not the ultimate good of the other. Competition ensues —my ultimate good versus yours. When I hear someone say, “If you loved me, you would…” I know selfishness is ruling.

Two factors are in play using this definition: 1) will and 2) ultimate good. When we use these measures, we maturely respond to emotional situations. By looking for the ultimate good we are able to include discipline, restraint, and even confrontation in our response to others. (more…)

Everyday Facades

Brenda’s Blog – March 4, 2014

“Just don’t take your jacket off – you’ll be fine!”

As college student newly-weds, our schedules were chaotic. Good friends invited us to their apartment for dinner, and this was one of our first married couple outings. Only problem – I was behind on my ironing. In those days, shirts were button-down oxford cloth which definitely weren’t “wash and wear.” They required starch, much elbow grease… and time. On that Saturday night, I was fresh out of all three!

“I will iron the collar and the front of the shirt – they will never know and you will look fine.” Famous last words. Out he went in his faux-ironed shirt under a wool sport coat, even though it was a balmy fall evening.

They kept urging him to “make yourself comfortable and take off your jacket .” To his credit, my husband braved the hot, un-air-conditioned apartment with a smile, while wiping the perspiration from his forehead, and ignoring their offers.

I don’t remember if we ever told Ted and Kathy what lay behind the crisp shirt front.

For years I was in a sales world which espoused the “fake it ‘til you make it” philosophy. “Don’t ever let them see you sweat” was taken as reasonable truth. How foolish! We need to be willing to let others see that beneath the wool sport coat are lots of wrinkles. We need to acknowledge we don’t have all the answers.

A female associate of mine years ago was known for her painstaking efforts on her hair – at least the front of it. One day the comment was made, “Doesn’t she know she has to eventually leave the room? Why doesn’t she brush the back?” All of us have to leave the room, don’t we? When we are tempted to put up a front, let’s remember that.

Life is messy; life is wrinkled. Authenticity has a high price tag… but it pays high dividends, as well.

Enmity Toward Us

Weekly Thought – February 25, 2014

Fred enjoyed laughter as “life lubricant.” As he aged, he believed humor was one of the key elements of aging well. And part of the freedom of laughter is the ability to let go of slights given by others.

Praying with us as we go forward with the work of Fred Smith, Sr. encourages and strengthens us. Thank you.

Enmity Toward Us

While we can avoid enmity toward others, we cannot control others’ enmity toward us. When we find we have an enemy, we can take a healthy review.

There are several reasons others dislike us. Here are a few:

1) Our involvement in a cause. Cliff Barrows of the Billy Graham team once told me that they are well received, but there is always the offense of the Cross. In war times we see lines drawn creating political enemies. The poignant book, All Quiet on the Western Front showed the pathos of war.

2) Being different from others. Some people just don’t like anything “foreign.” We had a home in another state for years. There was a clear feeling we were “flat landers” and not truly accepted. I asked a local how long we would have to be there before we were accepted as one of them. “Oh, about 50 years, I’d say.”

3) Our self-centeredness. We are selfish by nature. The paradox of Christianity is that we are to be servants of all. We are to use our time and talents not just for ourselves, but for others to the glory of God. (more…)

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