Clear Identity

Brenda’s Blog – October 19, 2021

“Remember who you are, where you are from, and what you represent.”

Our parents adopted this phrase as a farewell admonition when we were children, especially our Mom. I can still see her standing at the door as we left for school (walking, of course, in those days!) smiling and speaking these words.

Years later they still ring true. They encapsulate a fundamental trio of principles which are critical to healthy living.

In trying to pass this on to my children I was amused by my son who asked innocently “Mom, what do we represent?” A profound query, isn’t it?

In today’s fluid, floundering world these three “remembrances” erect a foundation for stability.

Who you are – I am a child of God, daughter of the King who was created with purpose and intention. I have gifts to be used in the body of Christ and skills/talents which are to be used for the good of all. I am a woman designed to live out His plan for me. As a child I could always say “I am the daughter of Fred and Mary Alice Smith.” That spoke volumes about the expectations, responsibilities, and joys.

Where you are from – This usually had a geographical answer, but it was deeper than that. I was from a family who valued integrity, faith, and responsibility. I am from the heart of my parents with their hopes for me to be a productive woman. As I aged I could look at all my experiences, travels, and relationships with an eye to defining them as part of the answer. Every chapter of my book was illustrated with my “where I am from” stories.

What you represent – This one puzzled us as children. But as we grew it became the most important of the three. We represented our family, our faith, and our work. We strove for reputations that preceded us with pride and honor. We wanted to be thought of as men and women who cherished the right and stood for the true. We represent the Lord Jesus Christ and in addition, our country, our church, and our communities. We represent those who are interested in discovery, curious about life, and eager for adventures. We want to represent the grateful who seek to grow.

Think about your answers and perhaps consider challenging your friends and family to respond.

Disciplined Decisions

Weekly Thought -October 19, 2021

Fred excelled in disciplining his decisions. He, also, made this exercise part of his mentoring. He knew healthy organizations depended heavily on the skill of leadership in assessing situations and making wise, effective decisions.

Disciplined Decisions

As leaders, our decisions determine the character of our organizations. We cannot afford to make exceptions for ourselves. If the President cuts corners, it sets standards for the entire organization. In my experience, dishonesty at the top encourages it throughout.

I have seen some leaders overlook “small dishonesties” as a way to glue the organization to the leader through guilt… it may even become an informal perk. If the company philosophy says honesty is the best policy, then it must be the only policy. My mentor at GENESCO had a policy: “If it has to be done, it has to be done right. If it can’t be done right, it doesn’t have to be done.” Where others took short cuts we had to work to find creative solutions with integrity.

Leaders must recognize that their character directly affects how they operate. They must make disciplined decisions. For example, working from the desire to maintain total control does not usually result in a healthy organization. Some leaders operate with the agenda of protecting personal position. Leadership development in such situations is thwarts personnel development.

I was once in a ministry reorganization that raised the control question. “Is this work his or His?” “Does it belong to the leader or to God?” When I hear a ministry leader say “God called me to head up this organization” I want to ask “For what purpose: to give you a lifetime job, or that the mission might be accomplished?” Control driven ministry leaders are usually more self-serving than God-serving.

Certainly there are times of emergency when unilateral control may be required for a short time – until the emergency is resolved.

Control oriented leadership doesn’t establish succession. I was once asked to take the helm as President of an organization that had long been led by a dictatorial head. I knew my team approach would not be profitable because the staff was trained to act on orders, not to think through solutions. I couldn’t in good conscience ask people who hadn’t taken responsibility for results for years to begin to think for themselves. My experience teaches me the perpetuity of the healthy organization is management’s first responsibility, and so leadership development at all levels is of prime importance. Successful succession is a leader’s responsibility and often a test of character.

Think carefully about: 1) What measures do I use to assess the health of an organization? 2) How careful am I to make disciplined decision – even in the smallest matter? 3) Who looks up to me as a model for character development?

Words of Wisdom: “Leaders must recognize that their character directly affects how they operate.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Listen to advice and receive discipline, that you may become wise by the end of your life.” (Proverbs 19:20 NET Bible)

The Art of Being Mentored

Weekly Thought – October 12, 2021

Fred’s reputation as a nationally recognized speaker, management consultant, and board member morphed during his career to be immediately associated with mentoring. He was known as “mentor to a generation of leaders.” By the end of his life that aptly became generations.

The Art of Being Mentored

Great teachers want to find great students. With my mentors, I tried to be a good student. As I studied the process I recognized four key elements in being successfully mentored.

1) Admit your ignorance. I never tried to impress my mentor with my knowledge. I always exposed my ignorance. To hide ignorance is as foolish as hiding symptoms from a doctor. Dr. Walter Hearn, a biochemist at Yale University surprised me once by saying, “Fred, every night when you go to bed you ought to be more ignorance than you were when you woke up.” He explained that if I considered my knowledge as a balloon that increased in size daily, it touched more and more ignorance on the periphery of its environment. The more I knew the more I knew I didn’t know. Arrogant people are proud of their knowledge; the humble are familiar with their ignorance.

2) Work to ask the right questions. Right questions come from thought, analysis, and discernment. Idle or careless questions are demeaning to the mentor. There’s power in a good question. Years of experience have taught me that one of keys is asking a question the person wants to answer. A young professor recently told me about asking a prominent speaker two questions following an award ceremony. The man disregarded all those trying to shake his hand and concentrated on answering only those two questions. The professor asked questions the man wanted to answer.

3) Do your homework. With my two mentors I never called them unless I had written down what I wanted to talk about. Writing out your questions beforehand is helpful in minimizing verbiage. When we met in person I had already organized my questions; I knew it was not a social situation. If we later spent time together that was up to them, not me. My mentors knew I would not waste their time. In fact, I never walked in their offices and sat down until invited. Preparation shows respect and a readiness to make progress.

4) Never try to “use” your mentor. A person with a high-profile, well-known mentor can be tempted to reference him/her in ways that really are manipulative. Quoting the mentor out of context, attempting to build a relationship for personal gain, or name dropping inappropriately are examples. A mentor is for progress, not ego satisfaction.

A good student grows. Progress is the pay the student gives the teacher. The mentor likes being there when achievement occurs. I now at this age spend most of my time mentoring high achievers. I make no charge. But I get amply paid by the accomplishments I see in them.

This week carefully consider: 1) Who are my mentors? 2) How well do I prepare to be a mentoree? 3) What is my desired outcome from the relationship?

Words of Wisdom: “A mentor is for progress, not ego satisfaction.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Give instruction to a wise person, and he will become wiser still; teach a righteous person and he will add to his learning.” (Proverbs 9:9 NET Bible)

Denial as the Default

Weekly Thought – October 5, 2021

Fred told the truth. His upbringing in the home of a Southern Baptist blacksmith with massive hands and arms turned preacher may have had something to do with this. He valued truth and questioned to uncover the real story many times. “Staying current and facing the facts” were bywords. Denial made little sense to him and was definitely not part of his operating system.

Denial as the Default

The theme song for many goes, “say it isn’t so.” Saying it isn’t so is not making it not so. Yet so often we deny our problems and actually accept denial as one of the ways to solve them. How many times have you heard “leave it alone – it will go away.” I even knew an otherwise bright executive who consciously ignored such things as oil leaking from his car for, he said, “it will probably correct itself.” By denying the problem he delayed the solution – and also increased the damage.

Delay is a form of denial. Once a young man with an exceptional education and family connections asked me to lunch to discuss his business future. When I asked what he had been doing he said “I am looking for the right opportunity.” I thought a shock would be helpful so I told him “you have a great deal of potential n- in fact, you have all you have ever had for certainly you have used none of it.” Later on, one of his peers described him to me as a “Rolls Royce with a loose steering gear.” This sounds unkind, but he could be helped mightily by having his denial by delay pointed out clearly.

Some intellectual problems are handled by denial. Once I was talking with a well-known talk show host recognized for his intellectual, but liberal worldview. When I asked him if he believed in “original sin” he replied, “That would be an awful thought.” Can we escape a fact by calling it an idea, a concept, a viewpoint? Trying to escape the reality we want to deny is a fool’s errand.

Every day we consider ways to avoid the truth. For example, diplomacy is one way we delay and deny our political problems. With cosmetics we deny the aging process. Even in death we dress up the corpse to evoke the response, “doesn’t he/she look wonderful?” Even our vocabulary teaches us about denial. When installment credit plans were developed they were dubbed “convenience purchasing,” not debt. Often, we substitute the word progress for change, even when it is going in a downward direction. Euphemisms become the socially acceptable way of addressing negative events. We shield ourselves from unpleasant facts by giving them new names or definitions.

We are often tempted to deny relational problems. Therapists tell us of refuge in silent denial prominent in troubled homes. Lack of verbal communication supposedly covers the fact of a family breakdown. The ache of losing a child is sometimes covered by building a shrine in the child’s room, pretending death did not occur.
Kubler-Ross says the second step in grief recovery is denial. It is all right to let people deny for a short time, because rushing them into objective examination without gaining equilibrium is unhealthy. But remaining in denial doesn’t result in emotional health, either.

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, “Denial is not a river in Egypt.” It is a place to move through on the way to health and maturity when grieving. It is a poor choice for living if we build it into our operating system.

This week think about: 1) When am I most tempted to deny or delay? 2) Where have I short circuited my growth by not facing facts? 3) Who is a good truth teller for me?

Words of Wisdom: “Delay is a form of denial.”

Wisdom from the Word: “What should we do with these men? For it is plain to all who live in Jerusalem that a notable miraculous sign has come about through them, and we cannot deny it.” (Acts 4:16 NET Bible)

Shopping for Compliments

Brenda’s Blog – October 5, 2021

“I am a really good shopper. The grocery bill was only $5.85!”

In 1966 I was a newly wed finishing college and living with my husband in an $80/month apartment. On weekends we traveled thirty miles to my husband’s home where we did the week’s wash, ate his Mom’s tremendous meals, and did the weekly shopping at his Dad’s grocery store on the midwestern town’s square.

Getting home with bags of staples, fresh vegetables, and meat I proudly boasted about my shopping expertise. What an extraordinary gift I had for stretching our student budget.

Each week Grandpa would rush to the cash register when I completed the list and check me out. I loved seeing how expertly I managed our money.

One Saturday morning the store was particularly busy and he was tied up behind the meat counter. One of the friendly young women who worked up front stepped over and checked me out – much to my dismay! How in the world could a similar shopping list cost at least four times the ordinary Saturday amount?

It was literally years before it dawned on me Grandpa was the miracle worker on those Saturday shopping trips. I wasn’t superior – he was absorbing 3 out of 4 items in the cart. He humbly listened to my bragging without saying a critical word. He continued to give me his loving deep discount without criticism.

I was the receiver and beneficiary of his grace and generosity.

I don’t think I ever told him or thanked him.

Who has shown grace to you? Who has silently showered blessings on you? Consider those times when you were the recipient of another’s graciousness.

If a lightbulb goes off like it did for me, stop and thank the person right away. Then become the grace giver for another without a desire for repayment, or recognition.

If Grandpa were still alive I would so love to hug him in appreciation. He taught me a lesson over 50 years ago in Johnstown, Ohio. What a blessing!

Defining a Lifestyle

Weekly Thought – September 28, 2021

Fred believed in defining a lifestyle as a measure for making life decisions. He and Mary Alice set their priorities when they were newly married and renting one room from a “widow lady.” Several of their friends adopted this habit, as well. One couple said they decided how much money was enough, and when resources exceeded that limit, they increased their giving and not their consumption.

Defining a Lifestyle

A quality lifestyle doesn’t just happen – it takes hard work. When talking with those who are engaging in this exercise I ask them to consider several questions. Here are four of the principal ones:

1) What do I really enjoy doing? The thing I have a talent for, the thing I do best and enjoy the most should certainly be considered first. However, there should always be guidelines because certain things that people enjoy need to come into line with Christian thought. The lifestyle needs to be under the discipline of our scriptural faith.

2) When do I feel good about myself? This is the second defining question. What makes me feel I have meaning, worth, and uniqueness? Too many trade their gifts for money and success. Too many become a human medium of exchange sacrificing the gifts given for usefulness, not just for commerce. If meaning is derived only from getting and not giving, a dangerous line has been crossed.

3) When do I feel joy? What creates a deep sense of satisfaction? When do I get the “life should be like this more often” feeling? Personally, this comes in times of genuine worship. It is not limited to church services alone. It is in those times when I sense the largeness of God and the smallness of Fred. When I feel the smallest I feel the most secure.

4) What gives me balance and authenticity? Speaking to a large group of executives I mentioned the fact that it is wonderful to wake up at 2:00 in the morning and the “little guy” inside is happy to talk with me. But if he says, “Get lost. I’ve lost respect for you,” then I know I am in trouble. One of the men jumped up, saying, “Man, you have plowed up a snake!” I knew right away he had spent some early morning hours wrestling with his little guy.

There must be ethical harmony within the lifestyle we define. Our life must reflect good relations with our family, friends, and associates. A healthy lifestyle definition strives for a compatible, beautiful, harmonious life.

This week think about: 1) Which of the questions makes me really think? 2) How am I communicating this exercise to others? 3) When I have a definition, what will I do with it?

Words of Wisdom: “If meaning is derived only from getting and not giving, a dangerous line has been crossed.”

Wisdom from the Word: “You have made known to me the paths of life; you will make me full of joy with your presence.” (Acts 2:28 NET Bible)

Generation to Generation

Brenda’s Blog – September 21, 2021

“I wish I had known your Dad.”

We Smith children hear that a lot after people read Dad’s writings. His wisdom and principle-based thinking still impact people years after his death.

My answer is usually “If you know me or my siblings, then you do know Dad.” His influence permeates our thinking.

We have an excellent Biblical example in David and Solomon. They were both writers who expressed their belief systems – one in a lyrical format; the other in wisdom sayings. David’s Psalm 37:5 says “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” Solomon’s admonition in Proverbs 3:5-7 reflects the influence of his father: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Acknowledge him. And he will make straight your paths.”

We hear the father in the voice of the son.

Have you ever said something and then immediately responded, “Oh, that sounds exactly like my Mom (or Dad)? We are profoundly marked by the lives of our parents, grandparents, and other significant adults during our upbringing. And now that we are the voices the younger ones hear, they are being imprinted by our words.

Who is within your sphere of influence? Who is absorbing your attitudes, your thinking, your belief system? What will their lives represent?

The Bible clearly instructs older ones to definitely speak to the younger ones about the nature of God – His faithfulness, His goodness, and His mighty works. We have our marching orders as elders to implant the truths of scripture, not backing away or neglecting our responsibility.

When somebody says to me, “That sounds just like your Dad,” I smile. My greatest hope is to sound like my heavenly Father.

Decisive Actions

Weekly Thought – September 21, 2021

Fred traveled heavily in his consulting and speaking work. Early on he attained lifetime status with American Airlines. He met interesting people and exercised his great skill of question asking. This week’s thought recalls a funny experience during the 1960s on one of those cross-country flights.

Decisive Actions

Decisiveness is a quality of effective executives, but it is indeed a rare trait. Everyone likes to say, “Oh, yes, I am decisive.” Very few really are. They wait until they are forced into a decision or until the decision is made for them.

Lately I’ve been accumulating clever ways people avoid making a decision. And there is no dearth of material. One of the worst offenders is the executive who talks five minutes on both sides of the question and then emphatically announces, “That is what I think.” Oh, no, there is one worse – the fellow who sits next to the him and says, “I agree with Bob.”

Actually, decisiveness is a matter of the will. I think I will illustrate it with a true story.

I was spending a few days with Mobil Oil (one of my consulting clients) on the west coast. Wanting to get home I took the red eye American flight to Chicago and then on to Cincinnati. When I got to the check-in I realized the flight was full. As we loaded people kept coming on the plane until every seat was taken except for the one next to me.

Just before the door closed a 6’3” mountain of a man with big, broad shoulders and a flat stomach came running on the plane and sat down next to me. He shouldn’t have done that. Why should he make me uncomfortable all the way to Chicago as I sat there with my 225 pounds of solid blubber? It was Charlton Heston, the actor.

“Mr. Heston, you are in wonderful physical shape.” “I have to be in my business.” I replied, “I wish I could be, too, but I have to work.” “Well, I have to work but I can stay in this shape on 17 minutes a day.”

He had no right to say that. That was not sociable. I have 17 minutes a day. He should have talked about days under professional training.

For 30 minutes I sat and stewed in my own fat. Then I said, “Mr. Heston, I travel a lot.” “I do, too.” “How do you exercise when you are on the road?” “It’s very simple. I go into the hotel room, sit on the luggage rack, put my toes under the bed, and do back bends.” “What do you do about your shoulders?” “Oh, that is easy. I roll under the bed and push the bed up and down in the air.”

Now what is the difference between Heston and Smith? You recognize it all too quickly. A recent survey discovered the definable difference between successful and unsuccessful people: the unsuccessful say “I should – I ought to- I plan to – I’m going to” but never get around to it. The successful say, “I will.” They make the decision and take action. They do it.

This week carefully consider: 1) As I read Fred’s story, where do I need to make a decision? 2)What is holding me back? 3) Who models decisiveness in my work life, community, and family?

Words of Wisdom: “Decisiveness is a matter of the will.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So give your servant a discerning mind so he can make judicial decisions for your people and distinguish right from wrong. Otherwise no one is able to make judicial decisions for this great nation of yours.” ( 1 Kings 3:9 NET Bible)

Right Thinking

Weekly Thought – September 7, 2021

Fred regarded emotional control and civility highly. He valued maturity in society. As an analytical, he considered the strategies for right thinking a necessary element for all leaders.

Right Thinking

Our society has become so obsessed with winning that we have exchanged honest competition for a philosophy of life – making winning synonymous with winning and losing the effective definition of wrong. In the “win at all costs” culture everyone is an adversary. In such a situation I rarely see civility as the standard. The outcome of perpetual contest is that we stand alone and alienated. Incivility lives itself out as a disease of separation.

Our conversational styles are caught up by this philosophy. “In your face” is currently acceptable, but certainly has no Biblical foundation. The phrases “Just Do It” and “Outta My Way” create a language of incivility resulting in thoughts and actions of rudeness.

Controlling our attitudes and establishing respect for others requires discipline and a system. In my long study of emotions I developed a formula that I will share with you. Experiment and see if it will help you as it has helped me. “First the thought, then the mood, then the rationalized action.” By this I mean, first the thought comes into our mind and if we keep it long enough to give it validity it drops down into our heart and creates a mood. After this, the mood rationalizes the action. For example, when we harbor anger as a thought, it turns into a mood, and then plays out as a hostile action.

How do we work the formula for a successful outcome? We start by keeping the destructive thought out of our hearts.

Thoughts which aren’t given credibility or space will be fleeting. But if we dwell on it and give it the power to create a mood, we have taken a step toward action. Thoughts and actions are linked. “As a man thinks, so is he.”

I am not suggesting we have the ability to clear our minds of all thoughts, I know that just isn’t so. The important thing is to substitute another, healthier thought in its place. My Mother used to warn us that “idle minds were the devil’s workshop.” Even in scripture we are told in our thinking to consider truth, nobility, rightness, purity, loveliness, admirableness, and praiseworthiness.

If our goal is civility, then our mental discipline must be starting with civil thoughts. If we want to live nobly, then ignoble thoughts must be discarded. We must work to reprogram our minds, replacing the bad with the good. Emotional, mental, control will help us create social civility. Understanding the process of guarding the mind and heart allows us to take control of our actions which is the foundation of a civil society.

This week think about: 1) When do I most struggle with allowing unhealthy thoughts to grab hold? 2) How am I establishing mental disciplines to protect my thought life? 3) Which are my most productive moods?

Words of Wisdom: “First the thought, then the mood, then the rationalized action.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Now immediately, when Jesus realized in his spirit that they were contemplating such thoughts, he said to them, ‘Why are you thinking such things in your hearts?’” (Mark 2:8 NET Bible)

Talk A Little, Talk A Lot

Brenda’s Blog – September 7, 2021

Psychologists determined women speak 20,000 words a day while men use only 7,000.

One of the downsides of aging and living alone is the inability to use anywhere near 20,000. This week I had lunch with a dear friend. We started talking at noon and finally said goodbye at 4:30. Sharing and catching up went deeper and deeper.

We laughed about being in social situations, being asked a question, and completely “overtalking,” unable to stop. My brother in law retired as a therapist. He told me of a strategy he developed for women (like me) who find themselves turning into social chatterboxes. “When you realize you are dominating the conversation think W.A.I.T. = Why Am I Talking? This should help you put the brakes on and engage more appropriately.”

Steve Brown, of KeyLife Network, used Peter as an illustration in a recent sermon. His description tickled me. “Peter stood with Jesus, John, and Mark as Moses and Elijah appeared in person on the mountain. Where most would be speechless, not Peter. He didn’t know what to say, so HE SAID IT!”

An article by Rosario Butterfield on Christian hospitality made excellent points about building bridges with neighbors. “We all have strong beliefs and opinions, but we don’t have to say everything that is on our hearts.” Her story of coming to faith through neighbors’ kindness and hospitality emphasized the importance of measuring our words.

The same Peter who awkwardly fumbled through the miraculous appearing on the mountaintop later wrote to Jews who were driven from their home regions. “Be prepared always to give a reason for the hope that is in you.” But he didn’t advocate theological debates, finger-pointing, Bible-thumping behavior. No, he completed his thought by telling them the defense was to be with gentleness and grace.

In a world where overtalking and talking over are the conversational norms it is good to consider the value of appropriate and effective speech. Communicating with each other enables relationships to deepen, businesses to thrive, and church communities to grow. To do this we must hone our verbal skills, operating in truth and skill.

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