Take A Note and Ask a Question

Weekly Thought – February 13, 2024

Fred, in his mid-to-late twenties, met Maxey Jarman. That introduction grew into a lifelong friendship. A job offer and years of learning under Mr. Jarman and other strong, wise men helped Fred set a path for accomplishment.

Take A Note and Ask a Question

One form of mentoring helps the mentoree define the principles of living. Recently a young man said to me, “Mr. Smith, my grandfather was everything to me. He loved me and he taught me how to live.” That young man was surely blessed by a relationship like that. As we look at lifestyle mentoring in scripture, we think of Paul and Timothy. From the text we don’t know how much technical “how to be a missionary” time was spent between them. But we do know Paul was an excellent sponsor – a father in the faith. He allowed Timothy to work with him, observing, and absorbing. The words of Paul to Timothy were pointed and key to establishing healthy life patterns.

For years Zig Ziglar and I meet regularly to talk. Without fail the first thing Zig does is pull out his notepad and pen even though his memory for material is far better than most. I told him I was writing about mentoring and he said, “Be sure and tell the person being mentored to take notes. No one should trust his memory with anything this important.” Another friend, Dr. Ramesh Richard always puts his electronic notetaker on the table when we begin talking. “Mr. Smith, I have a completed recorded file of all our conversations.” For forty years as I worked with Maxey Jarman first as his employee, to a trusted consultant, fellow Christian board member, friend, and confidante I wrote down everything I saw him do or say that I thought was key. I was continually learning and wanted to remember both the principles and the illustrations.

Having a lifestyle mentoring relationship is not the same as a skill-based, or situational mentorship. This one focuses on a long time walking with another. The mentor is to be open, real, and to consistently personify their values before the young mentoree. Asking questions is a significant part of this process. One man with whom I have an ongoing conversation always comes prepared with questions to ask me before I enter that “senile eclipse.” (Editor’s note: Bill Glass, who considered Fred a mentor for 60 years came to the ICU for his last visit with Fred notebook and pen in hand. “I still have some questions for Fred,” he told the family in the waiting room.)

The mentor must provide a comfortable environment in which the mentoree feels free to ask any questions he considers needed. These may be questions about the mentor’s life or situations that may be coming. Questions like: “What were the major decisions in your life? What were the circumstances? What were the principles involved? How did you evaluate the outcome?” The more probing the questions, the better the learning.

A good mentor never ridicules a question. The mentor may choose to not answer, but must never ridicule for that shuts off the pump which produces the flow.

Lifestyle mentoring is coming alongside another for the purpose of learning and development. This won’t be the ordinary process. In fact, it will be reserved for very few, but for the right combination it provides an opportunity for a mentor to pass on more than techniques. As Paul said to Timothy, take what you are learning from me and build it into the lives of others who will then teach. Lifestyle mentoring is an effective method of torch passing.

This week carefully consider: 1) Who do I seek out for meaningful conversations? 2) What questions should I be asking a mentor?3) How can I become available to learners?

Words of Wisdom: “The mentor must provide a comfortable atmosphere in which questions can be freely asked.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Let the wise also hear and gain instruction, and let the discerning acquire guidance! (Proverbs 1:5 NET Bible)

Lessons from the Beach

Weekly Thought – February 6, 2024

Fred and Mary Alice enjoyed owning a condo in the Padre Island area for ten years. She loved walking the beach and collecting shells. He appreciated watching and writing down his observations.

Lessons from the Beach

I once went to our beach condo during Spring Break – not by intention! Have you ever been sober among the drunk? Old among the young? Outsider among the insiders? Fully clothed among the….well, you get the idea! It seemed to me the kids wanted three things:

1) Fun – it appeared the fun must always be eluding them because they were frantically looking for it. Fun is a phantom. Their laughter was hollow. They were loud, profane, and destructive Judging by the trash on the beach, fun is expensive. This search for fun was the definition of hedonism.

2) Irresponsibility – the essence of their irresponsibility could be summarized by three words: drunk, nude, and drugged. Signs encouraging women to “get naked” were plastered everywhere. I don’t have any experience with the drug culture, but judging by their behavior I had to believe they were “spaced out.”

3) Anonymity -The group provided a way to blend into a social mass, but it became more of a social mess. Behavior which would have been unthinkable alone gained acceptance with the mob mentality. I walked into our condo lobby as the police were interviewing four males who had raped a female. Not one of them carried any ID – they weren’t individuals for they were just part of the amorphous spring break culture. Spring break would end and the students would return to school with tales of beach conquests. These males, instead, may find themselves in jail and the female would leave scarred for life. They had chosen anonymity, but in so doing, had given up much of their unique identities.

We don’t automatically grow out of the search for fun, irresponsibility, and anonymity. Someone asked me, “what would it take to reach maturity?” For these beach goers they would have to 1) turn fun into joy; 2) exchange irresponsibility for accountability; 3) exchange anonymity for understanding identity and the outcome of having our name written in the book of life.

The danger of the beach week is not so much the three or four days of binge, but it is the danger of thinking the sinful appetite can be satisfied. It can be much more – it is a fire which constantly changes its appearance. What can be beach week turns into adult patterns with the same principles. I have known adults who never outlive the beach but disguise the search in more “adult” expressions. It can be greed, hunger for power, or desire for status. No matter what they try, the fire isn’t extinguished.

This week carefully consider: 1) What have I done to eliminate any Spring Break thinking? 2) How can I help younger ones understand the long term consequences of a lost week? 3) When do I see colleagues falling into immature thinking?

Words of Wisdom: “We don’t automatically grow out of the search for fun, irresponsibility, and anonymity.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The wise person accepts instructions, but the one who speaks foolishness will come to ruin.” (Proverbs 10:8 NET Bible)

Progress Through Patience

Brenda’s Blog – January 30, 2024

“Learn to live with ugly for awhile.”

The local master gardener posted an article with advice for post-extreme cold gardening. “People assume the low temperatures have killed all their outdoor plantings. They immediately cut them all down. But wait – not until the thaw and warmer temperatures come can a true evaluation be made. It may take time and you must “learn to live with ugly.”

Plants that are traumatized by extreme cold aren’t the only examples of this principles, are they? What about other losses? What about critical experiences?

The temptation to run, hide, and emotionally detach is like the gardener who wants to immediately purge the beds of the dead plants. We have an automatic desire to take action – to do something. But wisdom says, “Wait, trust, assess, and ‘learn to live with ugly.’”

In financial services we always counseled clients undergoing a life change to avoid major decisions for at least two years. Bill Lawrence, founder of Leader Formation International, seminary professor, and eminent Bible teacher gave me an acronym which has served me well for over 30 years. Bill said, “Before making a significant decision HALT!” He went on to explain: “Never make a life altering decision when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.” Before action, take time to consider all the facts. Emotional decisions can carry a high price tag.

We need to give circumstances to clear up. And until that time we just “learn to live with the ugly.”

Life Is Not A Grapefruit

Weekly Thought – January 30, 2024

Fred focused on the process of maturity. He believed in the consistent devotion to the fullness of character. A casual, passive lifestyle held absolutely no appeal for Fred. Taking his gifts and developing them was of prime importance.

Life Is Not A Grapefruit

While speaking in Cincinnati a visitor to the hotel walked by the auditorium, heard me, and took a seat in the back of the room. The next day he called and asked to meet for lunch. I discovered he held a PhD in chemistry, followed Gandhi devotedly, and lived in India. After hearing about his time in our country I asked, “What have you observed about Americans?”

“Well,” he said, “you Americans are segmented. A large part of your life is devoted to making money. You have one for family, another for social interaction, and yet another for religion. But they are not tied together with any philosophical thread. Each of them stands alone, almost as if you are a different person in each of these roles.”

I asked him to tell me about Dr. Gandhi. “Dr. Gandhi had all the areas of interest I mentioned, too, but in his life each was an expression of his religion.”

I realized the chemist had made a profound observation about American life. I also realized his comment about Gandhi was one of the greatest compliments I had ever heard paid to another. The focused, unsegmented life is a rarity today.

Even the church, at least in our culture, sometimes has a tendency to segment persons. We take the section labeled “spiritual”, dressing it up differently from the rest. The Sunday culture can differ greatly from the everyday – different people, vocabulary, and activities… all with little in common with the other six days. Few people think of their work as an expression of their faith. Few think of time with family as spiritual, or social occasions as religious experiences.

After speaking at a seminary chapel service I met with a faculty group. The very first question was: “How long have you been bi-vocational?” “What do you mean? I asked. Their answer: “How long have you been in ministry and in business?”

“I am not bi-vocational. That term means one interest is above the other or that I stop doing one temporarily while I am doing the other. That is not so; I carry them simultaneously. Hopefully I am a whole person – a Christian. Both my speaking, my consulting, and my board activities are expressions of that wholeness.” I could tell that these experienced theologians still accepted the segmented concept of the Christian life.

This week carefully consider: 1) How often do I find myself segmenting my life? 2) What work can I do to integrate each area? 3) Who models wholeness for me?

Words of Wisdom: “The focused, unsegmented life is a rarity today.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Whatever you are doing, work at it with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not for people.” (Colossians 3:23 NET Bible)

Levels of Listening

Weekly Thought – January 30, 2024

Fred studied “the question behind the question” long before it became a popular corporate sales training concept. He also was a student of language (spoken and body). He consistently looked to break down the differences between manifest and latent skills. He differentiated them considering the actual words used while latent is looking for what is behind what is being said.

Levels of Listening

I like to consider four levels of listening:

1) The meaning of words – even the meaning breaks down into three distinct categories: dictionary colloquial, and personal. Dictionary definitions are relatively easy. Colloquial expressions generally mean the same to everyone in the conversation; on the other hand, personal words need to be carefully understood. Communication can be hindered when personal words are misused or misunderstood.

2) The choice of words – while the meaning of words is largely manifest, the choice of words moves into the latent category. Word choice can give a rather reliable evaluation of a person’s depth of intelligence, scope of interest, ability to think in principles or techniques, as well as the moral basis of the expression. The choice of words demonstrates the speaker’s emotions. Our feelings show through in the description of individuals and situations. The news media has great skill in coloring reportage by choosing emotionally charged words.

3) The sound of words – a key to masterful listening is shutting out the meaning and the choice and focusing only on the sound. Fox ample, the rhythm many times gives us a cue to the person’s emotional nature, as well as the familiarity with the subject. Coming out of church one day I asked our younger daughter what she thought about the sermon. “Dad, I couldn’t get the words to go into my ears.” Mary Alice enjoys the British comedies, but I am like our daughter — I can’t get the words (probably the accent) go into my ears. Part of sound is the pitch and speed. As the speaker gets more excited the pitch becomes more intense and the speed increases. Tone is another aspect of sound. A nasal tone usually leaves a negative impression. Think of children who whine. Change of pace is an interesting part of sound. Often when a speaker is speaking to an important point will slow down, lower their tone, and change the pace. Sound is a central part of latent listening. Two other aspects are pauses and mistakes. Usually breaks occur when the speaker is thinking about two words or phrases simultaneously.

4) The sight of words – I know we don’t actually see the words, but we do see the physical expression in the gestures which are used. Are they friendly or hostile? Open or closed? What is the facial expression, particularly the movement of the mouth? Do they have any facial tics or body movements which are significant? Other sight clues are clothes and office environment.

In the decades I have studied listening I have seen those who study in order to manipulate, not create more effective communication. It is a method of diagnosis, much like a physician’s. He evaluates in order to treat. Good listeners hear the words spoken and unspoken. We listen to better lead.

This week think about: 1) How much time have I spent developing my listening skills? 2) Who models both manifest and latent listening well? 3) Which situations stimulate my listening abilities? Which hinder?

Words of Wisdom: “Manifest listening is considering what the person is saying; latent is that which is behind the spoken words.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Let the wise also hear and gain instruction, and let the discerning acquire guidance!” (Proverbs 1:5 NET Bible)

Hugs Are Important

Weekly Thought – January 16, 2024

Fred learned to hug… no, Fred chose to learn to hug. His thoughts on the importance of physical touch illustrate how a man who grew up in a generation of non-hugging men discovered the power. His grandchildren benefited from the time with a Grandfather who appreciated their warm hugs.

Hugs Are Important

One of my ongoing studies is the subject of therapeutic touch. I have been working on it for several years. I got interested in it because the President of the Sloan-Kettering Institute said to the AMA during an address. “My father was a country doctor. He carried a little black valise. We know today there was not one thing in there that would heal anybody, but people got well, because my Daddy put his hand on them and said, ‘You’re gonna get well.’”

I read of an entire nursing association in New York City practicing therapeutic touch.

I did a telephone Interview for the University of Nebraska. At the time that was an interesting new interview technique. The interviewer is sitting with a large audience at a conference or academic classroom. The hour is spent asking and answering questions. In preparation for this session they sent me the school magazine. Interestingly, there was a poem written by Donna Swanson. It expresses her thoughts about touch and aging. It triggered distinct emotions about her words on the loneliness which accompanies lack of human touch.

When my Mother was 80 years old (she lived to be 93) she began noticeably aging. Her once porcelain smooth skin wrinkled badly and her military-like posture began to slump. It surprised me and also reminded me that one of the negative aspects of aging is the lack of physical touch. By this time my Dad had been gone for over twenty years, her “boys” grew up and moved away, and she lived in an apartment by herself. I finally realized she suffered from the lack of the physical, tactile element in relationships. In her very old-fashioned way she would greet the grandchildren with, “Come give Nanny some sugar!” She wanted to show her love by giving healthy hugs, but it often frightened the little ones.

Studies show the reticence to touch older people is not uncommon. In nursing homes many of the residents will sit for days without visitors and specifically without any touch.

I realized I had quit touching my Mother. Recognizing this, I started hugging her again and it made a big difference… to her and to me.

I was speaking at Barkley Lodge in Kentucky at a Christian meeting. Afterwards a quiet, shy woman stood at the back and waited for me to finish talking with other people. In speaking you always notice those who purposely wait because they usually have to something specific to say. She finally walked up to me. She wasn’t over 5 feet tall, so she looked up at me and said, “Would you hug me?” I said, “You know I will.” I reached out and gave her a great big hug. As she walked off I said to myself “How long has that hug got to last?” I knew the answer – a long time.

This week think carefully about: 1) Who do I need to hug? 2) Why do I think people avoid physical contact with the elderly? 3) How can I become more aware of my own need for a hug?

Words of Wisdom: “I realized I had quit touching my Mother. Recognizing this, I started hugging her again and it made a big difference… to her and to me.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their adversity and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” (James 1:27 NET Bible)

Dressed for Success

Brenda’s Blog – January 16, 2024

“Royals have no muscle mass because somebody does everything for them.”

This commentary triggered my thinking. Articles about the lifestyle of royals often mention the fact that they are responsible for no domestic duties. They don’t mow the grass, carry out the garbage, or for sure drive carpool. Ordinary exceptions can be understood, but when we read that the valets and special assistants are responsible for the entire wardrobes of royals, assuring them that the exact protocol is followed, it assures me they are not everyday people. The theory was their time was so valuable that by having someone to participate in the dressing gave the monarch the ability to focus on the important issues of the coming day.

My parents had a vacation home in Colorado. My Dad loved to rise early, go to a local restaurant, and enjoy the local color. Sartorial splendor was not Dad’s number one priority. He dressed splendidly when in business mode, or on a platform as a keynote speaker. However, when he was casual – he was pragmatic… Clothes served a very practical purpose and style usually came in a distant second.

One morning he sat down and one of his favorite servers stopped by the table, laughed and said, “Mr. Smith, I see you dressed yourself this morning!” It became a favorite family story and tag line.

In his later years he was bed bound, but continued to attend a favorite monthly prayer group established decades ago by key executives in the Dallas area. It met at the Dallas Country Club. In the final months he continued to attend, but did not have the strength or interest to focus on his attire. In fact, his aides drove him to the front door of the prestigious club in the handicap van, rolled him out in his wheel chair, and led him to the meeting room – all while he was in his plaid flannel pajamas! He defended his decision against family objections with the simple comment, “They don’t invite me for what I am wearing, but for what I am thinking. I still have a contribution to make. I am too weak to care about spending energy getting dressed up, but my mind is still immaculately attired.”

What contribution do you have to make? How are you making its development a priority? How are you protecting your energies to focus on the important aspects of your giftedness?

The Good Life

Weekly Thought – January 9, 2024

Fred thought. One of his friends commented yesterday that thinking was not a hobby, but a way of life for him. In his last years he spent hours undergoing dialysis. During these sessions each week he took ideas, chased them down, and then distilled them into “material” for his Saturday home meetings known as “Fred in the Bed.” He observed current culture, measured it against bedrock principles and then shared with others.

The Good Life

“Living the good life” means being winners, feeling good, experiencing a non-stop high. Looking like TV commercials is the desired effect. When we get down it merely means we are in the “before” portion, but the “after” is on the way. Sitcoms and commercials solve problems in lightning speed making any problems look like a mere moment. The truth is: the offered solution may actually just be another layer of an essential problem.

Consciousness altering substances promise instantaneous relief. Real life doesn’t work that way; nature cannot transform us that quickly. Process is serialized, not one episode. This way of thinking leads too many to seeking spiritual highs and quick fixes. Spiritual transformation isn’t overnight. “Living on the mountaintop” thinking leads to immature, incomplete spiritual development. Theologians call the lifelong change sanctification. Positive change in blinding speed with nonstop happiness is contrary to human experience.

The always winning philosophy fails because it is unreal and requires artificial, synthetic, inauthentic dependence leading to addiction. The sudden high cannot endure.

The core hurts and pains are surrounded by a periphery. In the beginning we can find temporary answers, but the essential problem isn’t touched. The problem continues to grow until one day the pain consumes the entire core and the effort to find a temporary fix is impossible. Friends of mine have chosen destructive behavior, irrational decisions, and even suicide as the way to avoid facing the full impact of festered pain. Great men have sacrificed self-respect in their effort to run away from deep hurt.

What is the answer? The rejuvenation of the Holy Spirit. Nothing satisfies like the washing and changing through the Spirit. The power of regeneration allows us to translate head knowledge into living experience. There is risk in reformation – it cannot be experienced on a trial basis. The Christian life is a total risk. But the good life through faith is truly the only genuine way to enduring satisfaction. All other efforts and substitutions have a short shelf life. They may work for a season, but ultimately fizzle and fail.

This week think about: 1) When do I trade long term growth for a temporary win? 2) How can I model maturity in my work, family, church? 3) Who mentors me in choosing to play the long game?

Words of Wisdom: “Great men have sacrificed self-respect in their effort to run away from deep hurt.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might for the display of all patience and steadfastness.” (Colossians 1:11 NET Bible)

Heart Qualities

Weekly Thought – January 2, 2024

Fred grew up with limited financial resources. Unable to attend college, he often joked about his only time on campus was when he was invited to address the student body. Often he was asked to be the commencement speaker and received two honorary doctorates. This week we excerpt one of these addresses.

Editor’s Note: The Weekly Thought for December 19th featured an illustration given to Fred by his long time friend Ben Haden, television host, author, and pastor. Apparently, autocorrect decided Ben’s surname needed a “y” making it Hayden. Apologies to the many friends who pointed out the additional letter.

Heart Qualities

I would like to talk about a few heart qualities.

The difference in you today and yesterday is that you have now assumed the responsibility to be your own teacher. Plato said if the teachers have done their job correctly they have awakened in the student a teacher enabling the person to live being both student and teacher. My friend Jack Modesett said that his life changed as a sophomore at Princeton when he found the joy of learning. He graduated magna cum laude and now lives magna cum laude because he is both teacher and student.

Let me give you two qualities of an educated heart.

1) A taste for the full life
Professor William James referred to it as “thickness,” meaning that life has a full dimension. It is more than surface level. Christ described this as “the abundant life.” The Menninger Clinic in studying mature individuals said that one of the traits is a life which exhibits a confluence of stimulation from a variety of sources. They are more than uni-dimensional.
I see individuals whose function has taken over their personhood. We get our strokes from our function, but our joy from our being. It is possible that a preacher or missionary or ministry leader can become a function just as easily as an executive, professional, or athlete. They are no longer fully orbed.

2) The love of truth
We live in a fantasy world created by media, advertising, political propaganda – even religious propaganda. Their primary aim is not always dealing in truth. After becoming President of Notre Dame University, Father Hesburgh was given three rules which guided Father Cavanaugh, his predecessor. The three were: “be right – be human – be humble.” When David Rockefeller asked Father Hesburgh to join the board of Chase Manhattan Bank, he laughed and said, “I am a priest. I have never even had a personal bank account and now you ask me to be a director of this prestigious financial institution.” David Rockefeller replied, “Father Hesburgh, if we don’t know how to run a bank we shouldn’t be here. What we need is somebody skilled in knowing what is morally right. You have your education in philosophy and theology and we want you to help us know what is right.” Father Hesburgh said that sometimes during the board meetings when they got into an ethical discussion Mr. Rockefeller would turn to him and say, “Father, tell us what is right.” Then without thinking about profitability, political astuteness, or popular acclaim, I tried to tell them what was morally right.

This week carefully consider: 1) What do I use as the standard for truth and morality? 2) Who helps me stay on track? 3) How can my faith make a difference in my decisions?

Words of Wisdom: “We get our strokes from our function, but our joy from our being.”

Wisdom from the Word: “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32 NET Bible)

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