Faith and Friendships

Weekly Thought – May 26, 2020

Fred wrote and thought much about relationships. Last week we introduced his thinking on the excellence of them. We continue this week with thoughts about a critical challenge: religious differences between friends.

Thank you for praying as we bring Fred’s wisdom to you.

Faith and Friendships

Religious differences can test our friendships, even to straining the quality of the relationship. It can be the most volatile factor of sustaining a long term connection.

The knowledge of God’s will, the interpretation of God’s Word, loyal ties to an institution, along with traditions of denomination and family combine to create intensity in our beliefs and opinions which affect our relation with others.

It is easy to generalize our unique relation with God into a pattern for everyone else. When our faith walk leads us to believe we know the will of God, we can unconsciously come to apply that knowledge to ourselves, but to others, as well. Young friends of mine used to parody the Four Spiritual Laws of Campus Crusade by saying “I love you and have a wonderful plan for your life.” This can definitely throw a clinker into a friendship.

I have signed many “statements of faith” holding forth the tenets of New Testament dogma. I have never seen one featuring these words: “I am currently living in love with my fellow Christians and will continue to do so as tenaciously as I hold the other points of doctrine.”

Often we find it much easier to fight for the faith than to exemplify it. Our relationships illustrate our real beliefs. The non-Christian world of the first century would say, “Behold the love they have for one another.” Even the keeping of Christ’s commandments was predicated on love: “If you love me, keep my commandments.” In the early days of Christian contemporary music a Catholic priest named Peter Scholtes composed a song which became an anthem for the 1960s Jesus movement: “They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love.” It was sung by long-haired youth, and three-pieced suited businessmen.

The only genuine ecumenism is based on love first before organizational unity. Doctrinal harmony is critical, but making sure it is core dogma and not just preference is an outworking of love.

Often when some of my more ardent doctrinal friends criticize other Christians, I ask them: “Do you think they are going to heaven?” This usually stops them for awhile and even with hesitation they say, “Certainly. Why?” Then I give them my simplistic conclusion: “If they are going to heaven, they are part of the body of Christ and I have no option as to whether or not to associate with them and to love them. We are part of the same family.”

Therefore, excellence in friendships (especially long term ones with diverse religious backgrounds) requires a purposeful effort to practice love, seeing others without personal filters as the only answer (as much as possible).

This week carefully think about: 1) How many friends do I have who hold dissimilar religious traditions? 2) What can I do this week to focus on loving and not judging? 3) When does oneness in Christ become real to me?

Words of Wisdom: “The only genuine ecumenism is based on love first before organizational unity.”

Wisdom from the Word: “The one who loves his fellow Christian resides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.” (1 John 2:10 NET Bible)

Duck and Cover

Brenda’s Blog – May 19, 2020

Growing up in the cold war era of the 1950s, I learned the fine art of “ducking and covering.” In case you missed this, let me explain.

The United States established an agency known as Civil Defense to protect us from the effects of an atom bomb attack. School children rehearsed climbing under desks with their hands covering their heads. Children riding bikes were trained to jump quickly into covered areas – and again, ducking and covering. The trigger for these responses was simple: the sight of a giant light explosion in the sky reflecting the explosion of an atom bomb.

Sounds silly, doesn’t it? But ask anyone in their late sixties, or definitely in their seventies. “Duck and cover” was a finely honed skill!

We now know by the time we see a bright flash in the heavens we are already vaporized. Putting a newspaper over your face would be your last earthly action.

Feeling in control is foundational to human nature. Acknowledging the helplessness of forecasting an atomic bomb drop created panic. SO…teaching us all, especially the children to take charge of our destiny made sense to a governmental agency. Don’t you wonder if they chuckled as they handed out yellow hardhats with the prominent CD logo emblazoned on them?

We haven’t changed a great deal. We look at our fears, creating methods to overtake them. We speak affirmations early in the morning to set us on our paths. We establish our own ritual of duck and cover to ward off the effects of potential failures.

Now, as in the 50s, there is only one fail-proof protection – The Lord God Almighty. As the hymnist says, “when morning gilds the skies, my heart awakened cries, ‘may Jesus Christ be praised.’” Yes, we use our wills to devise helpful disciplines, but we know where our ultimate trust lies.

Qualities of Excellent Relations

Weekly Thought – May 19, 2020

Fred enjoyed sincere, long-lasting friendships. He knew how to be a friend, a confidant, and understood how to create excellent relationships.

Believing these wisdom emails are helpful, we ask you to share with your colleagues, friends, and family. Fred’s heartbeat was stretching others. As his words still speak truth decades after originally written, we want him to continue being helpful.

Qualities of Excellent Relations

Relations require time… quality time. This can be a limiting factor in developing serious friendships. I don’t mean habitual time, but time which adapts and adjusts to the moving scenes of life. Like capital in a business which must be applied to create the most good at the right time, relations require the same strategic action.

Mature relationships also demand compromise. Since we are all unique there will never be total overlap. There will be differences and often the compromise is exposed in traditions from our upbringing, our view of life, our past experiences, and most importantly, our perspective for the future. In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.

In addition to time and compromise, it is necessary to share worthy projects. In my experience this is particularly true of men. We are not as apt to “do lunch,” as to work on something together. A friend with whom I worked for decades took early retirement. We knew to keep the relationship vital we must find meaningful work outside our company. We joined a corporate board together which gave us a clear reason for ongoing conversations, traveling, and making a strong contribution as a key part of the friendship. It has become a lifetime relationship which is both pleasant and profitable to others. Many of my longtime friends have served actively as Christian laymen, both in the church and parachurch organizations. Joining in Christian work together has given us opportunities to bridge life changes and grow together. We also shared the surviving and thriving of many Christian ministries.

Not only do we share projects, but we also share friends. One of life’s greater benefits is introducing friends to friends who then develop their own relationship. Building a network through the years spurs my own growth, as well as enjoying the synergy of these branches which occur. One of my dear friends Ron Glosser, former CEO of the Hershey Trust, has one of the most robust networks of any one I know. He is constantly trying to connect people in order to create a strong, productive outcome. Every time we talk he wants to know how he can pray for me, and how he can help me. He considers his network a gift of God to be used for His glory and to do much good in the world.

This week consider: 1) How intentional am I about building a helpful network? 2) Who are my best and closest friends? 3) What can I contribute to my friends?

Words of Wisdom: “In good relationships, we establish a lamination of layers which allow us to bond one with the other.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So then, my brothers and sisters, dear friends whom I long to see, my joy and crown, stand in the Lord in this way, my dear friends.” (Philippians 4:1 NET Bible)

As We Go

Weekly Thought – May 12. 2020

Fred had a favorite one-liner: “service is the rent we pay for the space we occupy.” Productivity and contribution were foundational as core values. His definition of a good life would include his life goal of stretching others. This week we explore his thinking on service.

As We Go

We have the responsibility to make life different for those around us.

My friend Dick Halverson was chaplain of the Senate. Dick joined a group of friends who spent 2 or 3 days together with no agenda, just great conversation. It became clear to me Dick’s life was simple: he followed Christ and “went about doing good.”

Christ wasn’t frantic; didn’t follow a hectic schedule, or run from place to place nervously. We never see Him described as someone with an attitude of “I have so much to do, so little time, and I just have to keep on moving.” He just did good wherever He was. Remember when He was on the way to heal Jairus’s daughter and the woman with a serious physical problem stopped Him? He didn’t brush he off, telling her she was a lower priority. He solved her problem then went on. He went about.

I cannot think of a better obituary than to say a person went about doing good, and did good wherever he was. To be a person of good will and eagerness to serve honors the Christ we follow.

Humanly we tend to think about big goods and little goods. If we look at it from a long range perspective those little acts can be seen as seeds which are planted and then grow into something very good. I am convinced those big goods can be mistakenly accomplished by human desire and human energy for wrong reasons. When that occurs, the act shrivels up and bears no fruit.

Our Christian community can be fertile soil for those who strive to be associated with big good. They flit from one project to another, one ministry, one organization to another seeking to dream big for God. Being so focused on good “only God can accomplish,” they lose the miracle of doing good as they go. Clearly I am not discouraging us from joining God where He is working, as Blackaby says, but when the temptation to attach ourselves to only the big name projects makes us ignore the little goods, we have given in to the flesh.

Steve Brown tells a wonderful story about visiting a graveyard looking for hymnist Fanny Crosby’s marker. He couldn’t find it at first, but passed the enormous mausoleum of P.T. Barnum. After searching he found a modest headstone with these words: “Aunt Fanny, she did what she could.”

This week consider: 1) When did I last stop to see a little good I could do? 2) How do I encourage others to make a difference? 3) What can I do to make going about doing good a habit?

Words of Wisdom: “To be a person of good will and eagerness to serve honors the Christ we follow.”

Wisdom from the Word: “So we must not grow weary in doing good, for in due time we will reap, if we do not give up.”(Galatians 6:9 NET Bible)

Growing Old or Older?

Brenda’s Blog – May 5, 2020

“You haven’t changed one bit. You look just like you did years ago!”

It had been 16 years since I was together with this friend. At first blush these words cheered my aging heart (and ego), even though I knew she was wrong.

As the glow faded, the thought occurred to me, “Brenda, if I think about that seriously, it is an indictment. Have you changed since college? Do you have new interests, new skills, deeper knowledge, more wisdom?”

Sadly, I admitted I improved on skills already developed by age 20, deepened my interest in subjects already introduced in early life, and practiced habits created in my 30s. But am I a different woman, or simply a more experienced model of my younger self?

Then, I switched the direction. “Perhaps you set your life course early, establishing your core values at a young age.” I think there is truth in that. My Breakfast With Fred work requires me to read thousands of words written by my Dad throughout his life. One of my ah-ha’s has been the way his foundational thinking matured, but did not change over decades. At 30 he held beliefs expressed in his 80s.

So, then what is the conclusion? Being a more solid Brenda founded on a firm faith is a good thing. Failing to add new skills, new interests, and experiences is not. Allowing fear to keep me from joining in on uncomfortable activities (like learning new games, singing solos, zip-lining, snorkeling, or hiking mountains) leave me unchanged.

Growing requires pushing beyond known boundaries. Perhaps I can risk a bit and the next time I see her she will tell me “You look like you are having great fun in your old age!”

Forgive Us Our Sins

Weekly Thought – May 5, 2020

Fred wrote much about maturity – its elements, and processes. Forgiveness is one of the key factors in mature living.

Forgive Us Our Sins

There is no way to live without violating other people or being violated. The way to even the score is not through revenge. Renowned psychiatrists find that revenge is the most unhealthy of all emotions. From a practical standpoint, I think our human nature is to get revenge, to get even. To move past this and begin the forgiveness work takes divine intervention. From my experience, it isn’t a natural trait.

The Christian faith asserts we must forgive unlike other cultures and religions which teach “an eye for an eye, or a tooth for a tooth.”

Forgiving is part of a process: living in the attitude of forgiveness, accepting the request for forgiveness, and then actually forgiving. I have had people say, “Fred, there are people I will never forgive – never!” Naively, they think withholding forgiveness is the best way to repay the hurt. We know the other person will probably never suffer our lack of forgiveness, but it certainly hurts us.

A business associate feuded with his brother 25 years before I knew him. By this time, he could not even recall the details of the estrangement, but he knew and eagerly told me that forgiveness would never be given. I had no idea of the outcome for the offending brother, but my associate developed ulcerative colitis and died a painful death. But he satisfied his aim of never forgiving.

Forgiveness should be one of those reflex emotions we develop. As soon as we realize it is required, we must discipline ourselves to act quickly. Running away from it, or denying it begins a downward slide for us emotionally, and even physically.

Forgiveness is a deep process, and we can’t just glibly say to somebody “oh, forget it!” Humans don’t forget very easily. Asking someone to forget without forgiveness is unhealthy. We tend to stuff it down into our subconscious. I find that full, true forgiveness doesn’t require forgetting.

Probably, the biggest problem we have is the need to forgive ourselves. A lot of residue of guilt is because after we confess, and receive God’s forgiveness we fail to accept that freedom. Many times I see people who refuse to accept their own humanity. Father Hesburgh, former President of Notre Dame, was given three precepts from his predecessor Father Cavanaugh: be right, be human, be humble. So often when we make mistakes, we hold them against ourselves as if we were not human. Frankly, I have never seen any reason to create a habit of forgiving others quickly, but not affording that to myself. I must be clear – this is not rationalizing. First there must be the admission, confession, and when possible restitution. If I won’t let someone else beat me for a forgiven sin, then I am not going to do that to myself.

This week think about: 1) How well do I handle forgiveness? 2) Who needs my forgiveness? 3) Who taught me the value of true forgiveness?

Words of Wisdom: “Forgiveness should be one of those reflex emotions we develop.”

Wisdom from the Word: “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our offenses, according to the riches of his grace.” (Ephesians 1:7 NET Bible)