Weekly Thought – October 27, 2020

Fred built deep, lasting friendships. His commitment to loyalty and confidentiality allowed his friends the freedom to know he was trustworthy and true. These words were delivered to the Elliott Class of the Highland Park Presbyterian Church at the death of his dear friend Jim Smith, who was not a blood relative, but a certain brother in Christ and beloved teacher of the class.

Between Here and Eternity

Yesterday afternoon Jim asked me to come over so he could say goodbye. We sat, held hands, laughed, prayed, talked, and just kept quiet together. Two or three times he said, “This is a blessed time.” It was a time when we blessed each other, recalling the many years of friendship and experiences we had shared. He spoke of his surprise at not going into remission. He firmly believed it would happen. But then in true faith style he said, “It’s all right. Let God’s will be done.” There was no despair, only peace and assurance.

I asked him what it would be like to die without the Lord. “Sheer terror” was his answer.

He told me how much he appreciated the friends who paid off the mortgage on the family home. What a wonderful way to use wealth. That blessing went both ways: to the family and to the giver.

After I left him I sat with the family. They could see I had been crying and they gathered around me, held my hand, and put their arms around me for support. We all stood there upholding each other.

On his mind, also, was this class. I am convinced this class was Jim’s finest work. It was closest to his heart. Year after year we talked together about the class and never once did I ever hear him say, “my class.” It was always “the class.” He knew he didn’t own it; it owned him. The class wasn’t part of his ego, but part of his love. This class is a living memorial to Jim.

A sociological study defined great men and women by the strength of their ideas, how far it reaches, and how influential it is in the lives of others after their death. Jim will never completely die so long as we continue in what he has taught us. When my mentor, Maxey Jarman, died people asked me how I felt and I said, “Maxey will never be dead as long as I’m alive because I am carrying out the things he taught me.”

Once, sitting in the lobby of the Gibson Hotel in Cincinnati, I overheard two writers, one younger, the other older, talking to each other. The younger asked the older, “If you had your life to live over, what would you do?” Without hesitation, the older woman replied, “If I had my life to live over I’d find a cause big enough to give myself to.” Jim had no regrets for having given himself to this class.

As I talked to Jim I realized that he was submitting to the Spirit, not giving up. The act of submission is an act of the will, an act of worship. It is a victory, not a defeat. He crosses from earth to heaven knowing he fulfilled his work and finishes well.

This week carefully consider: 1) Whose life is still going on through me? 2) What is my big cause? 3) How can I submit to the Spirit this week with joy?

Words of Wisdom: “The class wasn’t part of his ego, but part of his love.”

Wisdom from the Word: “My teaching will drop like the rain; my sayings will drip like the dew, as rain drops upon the grass, and showers upon new growth.” (Deuteronomy 32:2 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 29, 2019

Fred didn’t remember wasting time as a child. He was ridiculed by others because he would sit and think, sometimes hiding in the attic or behind bushes to have alone time. Fred knew his goals were different from those around him. Serious thinking became the keystone of his giftedness.

Defining Impact

When I was 28, I sat in a cemetery and decided what I wanted as an epitaph. “He Stretched Others” was the phrase back then – and still is. This became a driving mission as I wanted to be a productive, helpful piece in the development of others.

Thinking of our mortality is important. I read we have an entire generation who is trying to outrun old age through health care, exercise, cosmetic surgery – and fooling themselves. Considering the end helps us bring clarity and reality to the present.

Our son, Fred, asked me “Dad, if you had only one more to talk to make, what would be the subject?” An intriguing question, don’t you think? The importance of our choices increases as we age. We know our time to impact others is limited. Just as Fred asked me, I started asking questions of others.

That became a challenge to describe the process the answering the “final” question. “Fred, everyone doesn’t think about these things as deeply as you do. Help me figure out a process so I can answer my question.” Here are just four of the many questions I asked which may be helpful as you construct your own last words:

1) What fact do I feel has affected my life the most?
2) What one thing would I want to say to my children and grandchildren?
3) What is the one statement that most deeply stirs me?
4) What could I say that would affect my hearers the most?

Whether it would be one last speech to make, one last song to sing, or one last book to write it makes a difference to know what your final expression would be. In defining this you find out a lot about who you are and what your life purpose is.

Oh, just in case you wondered about my answer to Fred… “The True Nature of Man.” Is mankind basically good with a tendency toward sin or basically sinful with a possibility for good?

(Note: on Fred’s tombstone in the Dallas cemetery which he is buried, the headstone says “He Stretched Others.”)

This week think about: 1) What is my “one last” word? 2) How am I evaluating my life in light of the future? 3) Who needs to engage in this conversation with me?

Words of Wisdom: “Considering the end helps us bring clarity and reality to the present.”

Wisdom from the Word: “With God are wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his.” (Job 12: 13 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – January 22, 2019

Fred considered his memory as part of his gifting. Even at the very end of his life he had extraordinary capacity. His ability to not only pull back, but put into context enabled him to speak, write, and teach broadly.

During 2019 BWF is expanding its content through additional written materials. Prayer support as undertake the updating of You and Your Network, and produce a book on transition and change inspired by the What’s Next Roundtable.

The Memory Game

Friends of mine who are being dragged into their 50s complain of “losing their mind” when it is only their recall that is slowing down. (Note: Fred lived to 92 with memory intact). They still have strong reasoning power and good decision making skills.

They are experiencing a weakening of their recall system. As I grew older I felt the same frustration and anxiety.

When I thought it through I realized I have a mind, a memory, and a recall system. The mind does the thinking, the memory does the warehousing of data, and the recall is the retrieval method.

Now that my short-term memory is very capricious, I developed a game which defeats frustration. In fact, I have learned to greatly enjoy it!

The warehouse of my memory still contains all of my experiences. When I cannot bring a name or a word to mind I don’t lay the blame on my memory. Memory hasn’t failed – the warehouse is still in fine shape. And, if the recall element were in top working order, everything would be clear.

Here is how my warehouse works: I decided the building is divided into shelving units with workers whose responsibility was to retrieve and race to the front desk where the request lay. When they were young, they challenged each other to see who could answer my call with the speediest response. No matter what item I required, the answer was found and returned. Sometimes the warehousemen actually ran into each other bringing thoughts, names, and places to mind. Sometimes the warehouse whirred around with unlimited activity.

As I aged the process slowed down. At first I couldn’t understand it and was frustrated. “What was happening?”

Then the lightbulb went on: the warehouse workers were aging as I did. Some have arthritis, have failing eyes, and even misconstrue my request. Some workers have retired so several units are unattended. The pep in their step drags a bit.

The other day I waited and waited for the worker to return. When he arrived he reported he forgot what I ordered. I laughed and said, “So did I!”

When I realized I have not lost my mind I understood the process… and cut the workers some slack. And I wrote out bonus checks for those warehousemen who faithfully serve me for all these years! And prepared myself to hear from them about 3 am for that is their time of choice to deliver the information!

This week think about: 1) How can I change my view of memory loss? 2) What can I do to keep my warehousemen in good shape? 3) Who needs to be encouraged by Fred’s game?

Words of Wisdom: “The mind does the thinking, the memory does the warehousing of data, and the recall is the retrieval method.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I will remember the works of the Lord. Yes, I will remember the amazing things you did long ago!” (Psalm 77:11 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 10, 2015

Fred’s desire to finish well caused him to think about the process. He refused to cruise into his senior years without serious thinking. His thoughts help all of us prepare for the later years. His wife, Mary Alice, maintained a youthful outlook. In her late 80s she finally allowed others to consider her elderly.

Visits to Asbury University, Lindsey Wilson College, Alice Lloyd College, and Greenville College signal the beginning of the activities for 2016 and 2017. Thank you for praying as work is underway.

Notes on Aging – Part Two

The psychologist Erik Eriksen wrote of moving deterioration to the periphery. This has been extremely helpful for me. It keeps me from bemoaning what I used to be able to do and focus on what is left. The core of my being is founded on the indestructible so that never changes. Things like physical disabilities, lack of mobility, and restricted social engagements all get pushed out to the sides. My gifts, my focus on the significant, the strengthening of relations – all these remain alive and well. My uniquenesses never change – just the way I operate does.

In aging I have found several activities I would recommend:

1) Express love. My Mother taught me the importance of touch in older age. Other friends showed me how critical it is to stay in touch. I always tell those who call, “Keep me in the loop.” One aspect of love you wouldn’t ordinarily expect is the freedom to express fear. Love is an outward motion, desiring the best for the other person.

2) Establish disciplines – It is easy to slide into schedules with no routine. I find it key to stay in regular contact with friends; to get dressed every day; to do all I can to maintain my health; and to keep my mind active through reading, thinking, and conversations.

3) Clarify the reputation – “Finishing Well” has always been a high priority. I want my last days to be ones of contribution and productivity. I don’t want to be a selfish old man.

4) Develop new interests – One of the areas I have appreciated in my older age is intercessory prayer. More and more people ask me to pray for them. I guess they think I am getting closer and closer to heaven so I must have more clout. But I find my physical immobility allows me spiritual mobility.

5) Maintain family traditions – As one who is challenged by holiday traditions I still see the value of bringing the family together and observing activities which become “Smith stories.” Mary Alice shared recipes with the women in the family and in doing so passed down her legacy.

6) Be realistic in regard to self – Older age is no time to try to run the sprint you missed in the mid-forties. Focus on the strengths and do not spend time trying to turn weaknesses into strengths. Understand limits without regret. See the value of each season.

7) Discuss final plans with counselors and especially with family – Let your family members know what your wishes are. Do good planning to avoid hardships and hard feelings.

This week think about: 1) Which of the seven particularly jumps out at me? 2) How can I plan to finish well? 3) What wisdom should I be passing on right now?

Words of Wisdom: “Put the deterioration to the periphery.”

Wisdom from the Word: “Even when you are old, I will take care of you, even when you have gray hair, I will carry you. I made you and I will support you; I will carry you and rescue you.” (Isaiah 46:4 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – November 3, 2015

Fred thought a lot about aging and humor, wanting to write books on each topic. Nothing was published but his notes provide us with great insight. This week we will dip into his collection of ideas accumulated eleven years before he died.

Planning has begun for Lindsey Wilson College, Alice Lloyd College, Asbury University, and Palm Beach Atlantic University. The year of 2016 is fully booked. Please pray for those who will be on the teams, the school steering committees, and the BWF board which leads these efforts. If you can, we would greatly appreciate your financial support. We do not charge the schools for these outstanding events. Each team member receives no honorarium, and provides transportation. However, there are many costs associated with this effort. We are totally dependent upon donations for our on-going ministry.

Notes on Aging – Part One

I’m for aging – slowly, if you please. I asked an older friend which period of life he would have liked to live, he said, “As far into the future as possible.”

I started aging Sept 1, 1915; on the back of my birth certificate is my death certificate.

Life divides into two groups: those who are aging, and those who are not: those who are aging are breathing. I am convinced you can get older without getting old.

Make a list of helpful activities for older age: 1) act as glue for the family; 2) mentor by shifting from a power position to wisdom; 3) teach; 4) encourage; 5) stay in touch through exchange of clippings, letters, calls; 6) develop intercessory prayer; 7) maintain a right attitude – stay timely, appropriate, and participatory.

Make sure to understand a good philosophy will get you to the grave, but it takes a good theology to get you through the grave.

Strive for more of God and less of me.

Prepare for old age – start early: 1) create unique and meaningful relationships; 2) make sure to have good memories; 3) develop a network broader than occupation; 4) strengthen networking skills – know people who know people.

Weed out cynicism. A cynic would ride through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat! Not a good way to spend old age. Work to eradicate resentment, jealousy, fear, and paranoia.

Finish well – finish with a flourish. Script your last chapter but leave your hands open to the Author.

This week think carefully about: 1) How well am I aging? 2) Where do I need to do more prep? 3) What aspects of my foundation are the strongest? weakest?

Words of Wisdom: “A good philosophy will get us to the grave but a good theology will see us through the grave.”

Wisdom from the Word: “You must stand up in the presence of the aged, honor the presence of an elder, and fear your God. I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:32 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – July 21, 2015

Fred began dialysis July 1999. As part of his processing he wrote a piece which he called Dialysis University knowing much learning was ahead. In an unusually long weekly thought, the entire article is reproduced for you. In the intervening years many ask for these thoughts applying them to any permanent life changing event. May it bless you this week and beyond.

Dialysis University

My life has permanently changed. I accept the change; now I must try to understand it. In order to get the most from the change I must consider myself, at 84, to have enrolled in a new school which I call DU (Dialysis University) with classes three days a week for four hours each.

There are certain unique features to DU. The teachers share the responsibility with me. They keep me alive with their medical skill and I decide what courses of learning to follow from a great variety of possibilities, the first being a comprehensive understanding of the full dialysis process. They provide the quality time and I decide what I will do with the time. It is a joint responsibility.

Another unique feature of DU is the lack of a graduation; therefore, a diploma doesn’t determine the course selection. Exit from the school is entrance into eternity.

In order to maximize the experience I have decided to adopt a philosophy of dialysis that will guide me as I progress. I have put it into writing so that I might read and review until it becomes a mental/spiritual habit and eventually a living reflex.

Constructive Adjustments To Dialysis:

1. Gratitude for the discipline: Don’t rebel against the restrictions. I am being helped rather than restricted. This discipline assures life.

2. Respect the diet: It is not what I can’t have; it’s that I don’t want what I should not have. Abstinence is positive, not negative.

3. The expenses: I’m making an investment in a quality of life, not being forced to spend money on assistance that I once didn’t require.

4. Recognize the variable value of time: Spend the most valuable hours on the most valuable activities. Have interesting, productive things to do during the hours of energy. Don’t fret about the survival mode in down times. I am only responsible for what I can do, not for what I would like to do or think that I should do. Only my capability is my responsibility.

5. Guard against negative thoughts and remarks: Guard against them either within myself or with others. I am not competing in a health race with others. Accept that sickness can be destructive to a proper attitude. Disciplined silence can be constructive.

6. Not part of divine punishment: I consider my sickness as normal, therefore in no part divine punishment. Nothing is happening to me “that is not common to man.”

7. Be careful not to lose the good of this difficult situation: Look for each bit of good and express appreciation for it. I believe that God is in my circumstances mysteriously, even though I can’t understand or definitely define each element. Faith, therefore, is a major factor in my adjustment.

8. The situation is for life: Therefore I must take the long view and not be occupied or anxious about every up and down blip on the screen. Up times will be limited just the same as the down times. It is good to remember, “This, too, shall pass.”

9. Dialysis will not define my life: Dialysis may alter my way of life but will not define it. I am not living to have dialysis; I am having dialysis in order to live. Therefore it will not dominate my thoughts nor conversation. It is a means to provide quality life.

10. Control: I will not use my dialysis to control my family or friends.

11. Experience the joy of life: In early dialysis I’ve had some experiences of the joy of life that helped me to understand Paul’s acceptance of his “thorn” or Solzhenitsyn’s gratitude for “the stinking straw.” Suffering’s chief function is to purify – purify our thinking and promote the growth of our faith.

Hail to Old DU!

My choice: Be a victim or a victor.

This week think about: 1) Which point hits home right now? 2) Who needs to read this? 3) How can I best apply Fred’s thinking to my life?

Words of Wisdom: “My life has permanently changed.”

Wisdom from the Word: “I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13 NET Bible)

Weekly Thought – February 3, 2015

Fred thought much about aging. One of his best received and best known articles for Leadership Journal carried the title, “Older, but Never Old.” He lived just like that. Some of his thoughts were encapsulated dynamite. This week features many of them.

Older but Never Old

1) I’m for aging – slowly, if you please. When I asked my friend what period of life he would have liked to live in he said, “As far in the future as possible!”
2) I started aging the day I was born….on the back of my birth certificate is my death certificate.
3) Memory is the way we keep in touch with our past, but it should not be the way we keep living in the present. Joining the “used-to club” is counter productive.
4) Activity helps the mind forget what’s going on with the body. There is nothing wrong with me that a little excitement won’t cure.
5) Start the aging process early – avoid surprises through preparation financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and especially relationally. Don’t make a junkyard out of your old age.
6) Life is divided into two groups: those who are aging and those who are not. Those who are aging are breathing.
7) Health has four elements: mobility, energy, lack of pain, and ability to accommodate suffering.
8) As we age we become mutual mentors with our children.
9) Make a list of annoying “old people” habits while still young and read it to as you age. Make peace with physical limitations and show grace to others.
10) Finish well by focusing on the right things. Forget the fading: looks, power, position and accent the forever: relationships, spiritual, contribution. (more…)

Weekly Thought – September 9, 2014

Fred believed a healthy person cultivated friendships with younger people, so aging didn’t rob of all relationships.  He also understood the natural life cycle required an active involvement in managing the process.  An article for Leadership Journal carried the title, “Old but not Older.”  That was Fred! 

Keep It Alive

Aging is a prime example of redefining achievement – the phrase I use to describe the process of refocusing energies to avoid falling into the pit during pits or plateaus.

Erik Erikson, the prominent 20th century psychologist and psychoanalyst, created the phrase “identity crisis.”  His work centered on the wholeness of the human being.  His remarks about aging have been most helpful to me.  He counseled others to move the deterioration to the periphery as they aged.

In other words, the core of who we are never changes.  The things we can no longer do are moved to the outside of our life and don’t define us.  Let me give you a personal example.  My physical condition changed my schedule, severely reducing my travel.  This transition could have caused great stress.  I could have moaned and groaned, but I took Erikson’s advice.  I looked at my gifts and created other venues for making a contribution like teleconferences, personal visits by others to my home, a website, and local speeches.

I like to say “service is the rent I pay for occupying space on earth.”  As I age, these alternative ways to experience achievement and productivity help me keep my rent paid up.

The loss of mobility, agility, ability, and responsibility are tough.  No one wants to surrender their independence.  I made a choice and adopted the attitude “Delightfully dependent.” I moved the deterioration to the perimeter.     (more…)

Weekly Thought – July 22, 2014

Fred spent over seven years on dialysis.  One of the common side effects is depression.  Cancer patients often experience “chemo brain.”  Dialysis produces a similar fuzziness and susceptibility to blue days.  Never one to deny reality, Fred acknowledged these down periods, but fought hard to discipline his thinking and manage his situation. 

Please continue to pray for BWFLI as we establish the schedule for 2015.  Thank you for supporting us as we “stretch and bless the next generation of leaders… to the glory of God.”  Thank you to those who have expressed interest in our multigenerational conversations.  Further details will follow this fall.

Down, but not Out

Research shows a young man today is ten times more likely to be depressed than his father, and twenty times more than his grandfather.   The artificial measures we put on our lives contribute greatly to this condition.  Our faulty, “have it all” definition of success creates an atmosphere ripe for depression.

Our generation of materialism leads to degeneration.

The greatest defense against depression is gratitude – or so I have found.  I once spoke to an audience with a severely disabled young man sitting on the front row.  His attentiveness and response drew me to him.  Afterwards he stayed to speak.  When I asked about his physical condition he said, “Mr. Smith, I have a handicap; the handicap doesn’t have me.”    (more…)